Dark Covenant
Viewing comments for Chapter 20 "Dead Man's Creek"The Berwick Witches Series: Book One
25 total reviews
Comment from ShaneS
Great stuff! Well written, easy to follow. I particularly liked the conversation with the blonde woman. You captured the moment beautifully... How it transitions from a problem that seems initially real, to the hesitation of Charlton in suspecting something is not right, to his (and our) realization that it is a trap. Nice!
I found the following sentence a bit too choppy:
"While several pedestrians crossed, he sat staring through vague eyes--he flinched when an impatient female hit her horn."
What about something like:
"He sat staring through vague eyes while several pedestrians crossed the street, only flinching when an inpatient female hit her horn."
Otherwise, great read... Thanks!
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2015
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Great stuff! Well written, easy to follow. I particularly liked the conversation with the blonde woman. You captured the moment beautifully... How it transitions from a problem that seems initially real, to the hesitation of Charlton in suspecting something is not right, to his (and our) realization that it is a trap. Nice!
I found the following sentence a bit too choppy:
"While several pedestrians crossed, he sat staring through vague eyes--he flinched when an impatient female hit her horn."
What about something like:
"He sat staring through vague eyes while several pedestrians crossed the street, only flinching when an inpatient female hit her horn."
Otherwise, great read... Thanks!
Comment Written 04-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2015
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Wonderful! That does sound better. Believe it or not I struggled with that darn thing. I knew a great reviewer would help me out. Thank you so much, ShaneS. And don't be a stranger; would love for you to follow this story.
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Ah! Thanks... I am glad it was helpful. And I will be sure to follow the story!
Comment from kriver
Hi,
This is a very good chapter.
Especially since I am a main
character in your book lol. Don't forget I get some royalties if you book becomes a best seller. lol I saw your jaw drop (Just kidding). I am actually honored that you chose to use it.
Lots of action and suspense build up.
Question: If Charlton is so smart why would he call the Doc he thought lied to him at a time when he obviously figured out He was in trouble. He wouldn't waste the time. He would call the police for help and tell them he was being chased. Being a Doc and rich He would have the best cell phone so it would have a GPS locator.
The police could locate him to within 30 ft instantly. The police would have access to a helicopter and would be there in a matter of mins. Also a Doc is give a special 500 designation so their calls automatically have top priority. In the Chase The Doc should be hitting close to or over 100 miles per hr.
70-80 is slow cruising speed on the freeways so I am sure he would be going a whole lot faster if he was really scared. I don't think a van could keep up and they are very unstable and top heavy. They don't handle curves very well at 80. It is more likely to tip over when banged. You could have the van tip on two wheels almost tip over then and drop back down But you would have to describe how those inside shifted their weight to force it back down just before they hit the curve. Or if you want the Doc to escape on the second time they tried to hit him he stops on the breaks and they keep going and hit a pot hole in the road and tip on its side sliding to a stop, roll, or hit a tree. It might add some more unexpected excitement to the chase. This is all info more or less just for you. You could have him try the cell and get no reception, or an inexplicable dead battery. The thing about the Doc hiding in a tree hollow. A wolf like a dog has an acute sense of smell. I think it is about 1000 time greater than people. Because of that the wolves would be able to locate him very easily. Even with the bad smell of the woods/swamp they would be able to distinguish his scent. If you want him caught leave him in the hollow. If not have him run to some deep water on rocks on the edge with reeds in the water he takes one breaks off the ends and uses it to breath through. He hides under water in the reeds the wolves can't smell him. He just disappears they loose his track on the rock. The wolves would be stuck, shocked, and confused.
They don't know how he could just vanished when they thought for sure they could easily get him But he did just like Houdini.
It might add another small twist to the chase story too.
Anyways, it is a good story like it is.
But I thought I would give you some more ideas to think about.
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2015
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Hi,
This is a very good chapter.
Especially since I am a main
character in your book lol. Don't forget I get some royalties if you book becomes a best seller. lol I saw your jaw drop (Just kidding). I am actually honored that you chose to use it.
Lots of action and suspense build up.
Question: If Charlton is so smart why would he call the Doc he thought lied to him at a time when he obviously figured out He was in trouble. He wouldn't waste the time. He would call the police for help and tell them he was being chased. Being a Doc and rich He would have the best cell phone so it would have a GPS locator.
The police could locate him to within 30 ft instantly. The police would have access to a helicopter and would be there in a matter of mins. Also a Doc is give a special 500 designation so their calls automatically have top priority. In the Chase The Doc should be hitting close to or over 100 miles per hr.
70-80 is slow cruising speed on the freeways so I am sure he would be going a whole lot faster if he was really scared. I don't think a van could keep up and they are very unstable and top heavy. They don't handle curves very well at 80. It is more likely to tip over when banged. You could have the van tip on two wheels almost tip over then and drop back down But you would have to describe how those inside shifted their weight to force it back down just before they hit the curve. Or if you want the Doc to escape on the second time they tried to hit him he stops on the breaks and they keep going and hit a pot hole in the road and tip on its side sliding to a stop, roll, or hit a tree. It might add some more unexpected excitement to the chase. This is all info more or less just for you. You could have him try the cell and get no reception, or an inexplicable dead battery. The thing about the Doc hiding in a tree hollow. A wolf like a dog has an acute sense of smell. I think it is about 1000 time greater than people. Because of that the wolves would be able to locate him very easily. Even with the bad smell of the woods/swamp they would be able to distinguish his scent. If you want him caught leave him in the hollow. If not have him run to some deep water on rocks on the edge with reeds in the water he takes one breaks off the ends and uses it to breath through. He hides under water in the reeds the wolves can't smell him. He just disappears they loose his track on the rock. The wolves would be stuck, shocked, and confused.
They don't know how he could just vanished when they thought for sure they could easily get him But he did just like Houdini.
It might add another small twist to the chase story too.
Anyways, it is a good story like it is.
But I thought I would give you some more ideas to think about.
Comment Written 04-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2015
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Thank you so much kriver. Really appreciate the suggestions and stars. Okay, remember. he didn't call her during the chase. He didn't know he was being chased. He called after finding out for sure it was no short cut. While he was on the phone talking to her, was when he realized he was being chased and he tossed the phone. By that time, he was so busy trying to stay alive, there was no time to call for help.
Comment from Curly Girly
This is a very well written and well edited chapter.
You wrote:
"Boy. You're in for a long drive. No wonder you took the whole day.
Suggest:
"Boy, you're in for a long drive. No wonder you took the whole day.
but there was nothing there, nothing chasing him, just the darkness all around--covering him like a ghastly, smelly blanket.
but there was nothing there, nothing chasing him, only darkness all around--covering him like a ghastly blanket. ('just' could be dropped. Would the darkness be 'smelly'?
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2015
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This is a very well written and well edited chapter.
You wrote:
"Boy. You're in for a long drive. No wonder you took the whole day.
Suggest:
"Boy, you're in for a long drive. No wonder you took the whole day.
but there was nothing there, nothing chasing him, just the darkness all around--covering him like a ghastly, smelly blanket.
but there was nothing there, nothing chasing him, only darkness all around--covering him like a ghastly blanket. ('just' could be dropped. Would the darkness be 'smelly'?
Comment Written 03-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2015
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Thank you so much, Curly for this fine review. And thank you for the suggestions. "Smelly blanket' I guess I could have said it better; I'll revisit it. But earlier in the chapter, I talk extensively about the stench and rotting animal flesh, etc. Really appreciate you taking the time to point out corrections.
Comment from Ulla
It is well written and certainly kept me captivated. I especially liked the section with the girl stranded trying to get him into her web. The chase was well penned. I am looking forward to reading on. Ulla
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2015
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It is well written and certainly kept me captivated. I especially liked the section with the girl stranded trying to get him into her web. The chase was well penned. I am looking forward to reading on. Ulla
Comment Written 03-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2015
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Thank you, Ulla. I really appreciate your support of my book.
Comment from Carulhein
Hi, Amahra,
I haven't read the first part of your book, but this chapter has drawn me in. I like fantasy and will make a point of it to read the rest of your book.
Good writing
Carine
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2015
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Hi, Amahra,
I haven't read the first part of your book, but this chapter has drawn me in. I like fantasy and will make a point of it to read the rest of your book.
Good writing
Carine
Comment Written 03-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2015
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Thank you, Carulhein.
Comment from chasennov
Chapter 20 of the book Dark Covenant The Berwick Witches Series: Book 1 "Dead Man's Creek" Another excellent chapter you have created here which I enjoyed reading. Particularly liked; 'then so close like a dog sniffing another dog's arse.' Well done.
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2015
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Chapter 20 of the book Dark Covenant The Berwick Witches Series: Book 1 "Dead Man's Creek" Another excellent chapter you have created here which I enjoyed reading. Particularly liked; 'then so close like a dog sniffing another dog's arse.' Well done.
Comment Written 02-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2015
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Thank you very much, chasennov.
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You are most welcome.
Comment from Mastery
Hello, Harriett. This is an excellent chapter for sure. The action is well paced and the imagery is great:
"Charlton, his face now devoid of expression, clicked off and laid the phone aside. Coming to a stop sign, he mashed his brake. While several pedestrians crossed, he sat staring through vague eyes--he flinched when an impatient female hit her horn. He spotted a 7-Eleven a couple of blocks away and drove there and parked. He just sat drumming his fingers on the steering wheel and watching people stroll in and out of the glass doors."
And: Matthew roared up and rammed him, forcing the car off the road and into the dirt. But Charlton fought the wheel as the car bounced up and down, hitting rocks and animal carcasses. His jaw tightened as he soared back onto the road. He slammed his car into the Dodge, catching Matthew off guard
Suggestion: ""Charlie," a husky male voice called." I don't think you want to say this like this. Perhaps: A husky voice said "Charlie?" (or maybe I am misunderstanding what your purpose is.)
Also: ""That's good," Charlton said. (I don't think you need the speech tag here as the conversation between the two is established quite well already, Harriett.
Good job, my friend. Bob
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2015
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Hello, Harriett. This is an excellent chapter for sure. The action is well paced and the imagery is great:
"Charlton, his face now devoid of expression, clicked off and laid the phone aside. Coming to a stop sign, he mashed his brake. While several pedestrians crossed, he sat staring through vague eyes--he flinched when an impatient female hit her horn. He spotted a 7-Eleven a couple of blocks away and drove there and parked. He just sat drumming his fingers on the steering wheel and watching people stroll in and out of the glass doors."
And: Matthew roared up and rammed him, forcing the car off the road and into the dirt. But Charlton fought the wheel as the car bounced up and down, hitting rocks and animal carcasses. His jaw tightened as he soared back onto the road. He slammed his car into the Dodge, catching Matthew off guard
Suggestion: ""Charlie," a husky male voice called." I don't think you want to say this like this. Perhaps: A husky voice said "Charlie?" (or maybe I am misunderstanding what your purpose is.)
Also: ""That's good," Charlton said. (I don't think you need the speech tag here as the conversation between the two is established quite well already, Harriett.
Good job, my friend. Bob
Comment Written 02-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2015
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Wow, thank you, Bob. I really appreciate your review and suggestions. Yeah, I was wondering if I needed the tag there. You're so right, btw. The other suggestion. I guess I was trying to show that since Charlton hadn't looked at the caller id, and Ben is a new temporary character just slipped in there to make Charlton suspicious about the short cut. So he didn't know who was on the other end, Ben called his name and the husky voice was suppose to cause Charlton to know just who it was when he heard the voice. But maybe I didn't do a good job. So I'll revisit that dialogue again. But always love your help, Bob.
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Always will help, if I can. :) Bob
Comment from barkingdog
You took me right there with your chase scene. It's a wonder that he caught on in time to make a run for it. Did he take the blood sample with him when he escaped from the car?
*****
The light changed, and he drove a black, then made a left on Kingston Road. He drove several more blocks and made a right on Moonhawk Drive.
I didn't understand what 'he drove a black' meant. Did you leave a word out?
Also, you have 'drove' in both sentences. Maybe change the second one to ' continued'.
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2015
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You took me right there with your chase scene. It's a wonder that he caught on in time to make a run for it. Did he take the blood sample with him when he escaped from the car?
*****
The light changed, and he drove a black, then made a left on Kingston Road. He drove several more blocks and made a right on Moonhawk Drive.
I didn't understand what 'he drove a black' meant. Did you leave a word out?
Also, you have 'drove' in both sentences. Maybe change the second one to ' continued'.
Comment Written 02-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2015
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Thank you for the review and for catching sprag; it should be block not black. The phone call from Ben made him suspicious but he just had to check the place out. In the last chapter, I wrote that he "...placed the sample in an envelop and slipped the envelop in the inside pocket of his sports coat.
Comment from thee-name
Excellent chapter. Seen no mistakes. Writing was interesting.
Then-- suddenly from beyond the darkness came a sound like something moving fast. He spotted a deep hollow in the giant tree. He hid there and muffled his loud breathing.
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2015
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Excellent chapter. Seen no mistakes. Writing was interesting.
Then-- suddenly from beyond the darkness came a sound like something moving fast. He spotted a deep hollow in the giant tree. He hid there and muffled his loud breathing.
Comment Written 02-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2015
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Thank you much.
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thank you!
Comment from Lesley Collier
An exciting chapter of a pathologist who tests the blood of a young boy used to break a curse and decides to take it to be sampled at a lab endangering all werewolves and given wrong directions ends up in a dissipated swampland where he encounters a woman having trouble with her red Dodge but as he senses danger he flees the site only to be be pursued by two werewolves in the woman's Dodge as he tries to outmaneuver them but is run off the road and has to flee on foot and when he stops the and surrounded only by darkness hears something approaching fast and hiding in the hollow of a tree awaits his fate. Well written and full of suspence!
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2015
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An exciting chapter of a pathologist who tests the blood of a young boy used to break a curse and decides to take it to be sampled at a lab endangering all werewolves and given wrong directions ends up in a dissipated swampland where he encounters a woman having trouble with her red Dodge but as he senses danger he flees the site only to be be pursued by two werewolves in the woman's Dodge as he tries to outmaneuver them but is run off the road and has to flee on foot and when he stops the and surrounded only by darkness hears something approaching fast and hiding in the hollow of a tree awaits his fate. Well written and full of suspence!
Comment Written 02-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2015
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thank you lesley.
