Short
Viewing comments for Chapter 35 "Boxes"Shorter stories
17 total reviews
Comment from rspoet
This is an excellent story, well written with very good dialogue. The two characters and the scene are established very well for a short piece. Small clues all along, but barely perceptible.
Perfect ending to the story with perfect understanding. It makes you want to smile.
One slightly awkward line: "Even then, I felt differently about this than I can explain." You might need 'more' in there somewhere.
Excellent write!
reply by the author on 25-May-2015
  |
This is an excellent story, well written with very good dialogue. The two characters and the scene are established very well for a short piece. Small clues all along, but barely perceptible.
Perfect ending to the story with perfect understanding. It makes you want to smile.
One slightly awkward line: "Even then, I felt differently about this than I can explain." You might need 'more' in there somewhere.
Excellent write!
Comment Written 25-May-2015
reply by the author on 25-May-2015
-
Thank you for reviewing and the suggestion. I'm afraid I don't see how more fits in there anywhere. Happy day. Bill
-
I was thinking of, [more] than I can explain.
Just personal choice. It's excellent either way.
Comment from gazzagodbod
a good heart indeed my friend and who knows when them empty boxes will come in handy great write and an important message give help where you can well done my friend gazza
reply by the author on 25-May-2015
|
a good heart indeed my friend and who knows when them empty boxes will come in handy great write and an important message give help where you can well done my friend gazza
Comment Written 25-May-2015
reply by the author on 25-May-2015
-
Thank you, garza, for the positive review. Bill
Comment from krys123
Bill;
-I really enjoyed this. I found it very entertaining and skillfully written. For some reason I felt that had a very heartwarming feel to it as though the old man was quite nice in his attempt to sell empty boxes of cookies.
-Very good use of syntax and grammar in the imagery was very distinct and clear, and quite expressive and vividly descriptive.
-I'm not very familiar with English dry Humor but I sense this is one of them.
-Thank you for sharing and posting and may the good Lord be with you always Bill.
Alex
reply by the author on 25-May-2015
|
Bill;
-I really enjoyed this. I found it very entertaining and skillfully written. For some reason I felt that had a very heartwarming feel to it as though the old man was quite nice in his attempt to sell empty boxes of cookies.
-Very good use of syntax and grammar in the imagery was very distinct and clear, and quite expressive and vividly descriptive.
-I'm not very familiar with English dry Humor but I sense this is one of them.
-Thank you for sharing and posting and may the good Lord be with you always Bill.
Alex
Comment Written 25-May-2015
reply by the author on 25-May-2015
-
Thank you, Alex, for the positive review. You know I'm not British, right? Happy day. Bill
-
I'm sorry Bill, I thought you were British, but now I know you're not.
Alex
Comment from A TARNISHED KNIGHT
Ha Only an ex jar head would use the word "cover" for a hat lol I say that with the utmost respect my man... Being one who wore the Air Force Blue back in the year of 63-67 I have acquired the knowledge that cover can mean many things.. Mostly in coming "cover" your ass ..Really this was a very neat work.. Many Kudos to you my friend!!!!
tk
reply by the author on 25-May-2015
|
Ha Only an ex jar head would use the word "cover" for a hat lol I say that with the utmost respect my man... Being one who wore the Air Force Blue back in the year of 63-67 I have acquired the knowledge that cover can mean many things.. Mostly in coming "cover" your ass ..Really this was a very neat work.. Many Kudos to you my friend!!!!
tk
Comment Written 24-May-2015
reply by the author on 25-May-2015
-
Thank you, TK, for reviewing this. I did think about calling it a cap. Bill
Comment from Jay Squires
I liked the way you handled this toughest of all writing challenge, flash fiction in under 200 words. I find myself totally incapable of rising to the challenge.
You're definitely not.
Carried mostly by the dialogue, we have two characters; one the wily, feisty old fellow and the narrator.
The old guy sets him up with a goodnatured ploy: the empty Girl Scout cookie box. The narrator gives him a twenty, expecting change, but then is given the empty boxes.
He could get angry. Most would. The old man expected it, and we have no doubt would have returned the money.
But the narrator, seeing, perhaps, the need plays into the game with the words: "If you keep the change," I said, smiling, "we'll consider it one for the price of two."
And then, the words that made this a 6 in my books: He smiled back. A shy and wilting expression of numerous emotions all at once. Leaving, I smiled as well, for similar reasons.
I envy your talents, Bill.
reply by the author on 25-May-2015
 |
I liked the way you handled this toughest of all writing challenge, flash fiction in under 200 words. I find myself totally incapable of rising to the challenge.
You're definitely not.
Carried mostly by the dialogue, we have two characters; one the wily, feisty old fellow and the narrator.
The old guy sets him up with a goodnatured ploy: the empty Girl Scout cookie box. The narrator gives him a twenty, expecting change, but then is given the empty boxes.
He could get angry. Most would. The old man expected it, and we have no doubt would have returned the money.
But the narrator, seeing, perhaps, the need plays into the game with the words: "If you keep the change," I said, smiling, "we'll consider it one for the price of two."
And then, the words that made this a 6 in my books: He smiled back. A shy and wilting expression of numerous emotions all at once. Leaving, I smiled as well, for similar reasons.
I envy your talents, Bill.
Comment Written 24-May-2015
reply by the author on 25-May-2015
-
Wow! Thanks, Jay, for the exceptional review. I appreciate the encouraging comments. Bill
Comment from Gloria ....
Well this is quite the trick story, Bill. So the grandfather ate the cookies, didn't have the money to pay for them himself, so Mr. Nice made it sound like a bargain with a twist on one for the price of two and the old Sarge got to keep his dignity.
Man alive you make us think hard for our funny money around here, Bill. Probably didn't even get it right anyway. More importantly how do you get to buy Girl Scout cookies for four dollars a box? They're five bucks here. Now I feel so foolish. *wink* What kind were they anyway, the Do si Dos or chocolately mint? Those are important questions to me.
Gloria
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 24-May-2015
|
Well this is quite the trick story, Bill. So the grandfather ate the cookies, didn't have the money to pay for them himself, so Mr. Nice made it sound like a bargain with a twist on one for the price of two and the old Sarge got to keep his dignity.
Man alive you make us think hard for our funny money around here, Bill. Probably didn't even get it right anyway. More importantly how do you get to buy Girl Scout cookies for four dollars a box? They're five bucks here. Now I feel so foolish. *wink* What kind were they anyway, the Do si Dos or chocolately mint? Those are important questions to me.
Gloria
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 24-May-2015
reply by the author on 24-May-2015
-
Thank you, Gloria, for reviewing this. We're driving from Tennesee to Michigan and my daughter challenged me to write a short short story that had Girl Scout cookies in it.
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
This was an interesting read. I like the twist with the two characters. You told the short story well.
Question: A shy and wilting expression of numerous emotions all at once. [This line is an incomplete sentence--is it for emphasis maybe?]
Thanks for sharing.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 24-May-2015
|
This was an interesting read. I like the twist with the two characters. You told the short story well.
Question: A shy and wilting expression of numerous emotions all at once. [This line is an incomplete sentence--is it for emphasis maybe?]
Thanks for sharing.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 24-May-2015
reply by the author on 24-May-2015
-
Yes. I find that literature differs from the essay in these instances of license. I allow myself a sentence fragment. Thank you for reviewing this.
