Beautiful Death
Viewing comments for Chapter 10001 "Dipsy/ Dolly roll"from birth I have longed for death
5 total reviews
Comment from Brett Matthew West
Good plot. Easy to follow story line. Plenty of smooth flowing action. Descriptive language well used throughout this story.
reply by the author on 27-May-2015
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Good plot. Easy to follow story line. Plenty of smooth flowing action. Descriptive language well used throughout this story.
Comment Written 26-May-2015
reply by the author on 27-May-2015
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Thank You!
SPAGS?
Comment from davisr (Rhonda)
You have done an absolutely brilliant job with this chapter. The spelling was good, the chapter flowed well, and it was easy and interesting to read. You did a good job of showing the role animals played in your family, and what life on a farm was like. I live on a farm, too, and can relate to chasing Bulls that have jumped or torn down a fence.
Good job, keep it up,
Rhonda
reply by the author on 25-May-2015
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You have done an absolutely brilliant job with this chapter. The spelling was good, the chapter flowed well, and it was easy and interesting to read. You did a good job of showing the role animals played in your family, and what life on a farm was like. I live on a farm, too, and can relate to chasing Bulls that have jumped or torn down a fence.
Good job, keep it up,
Rhonda
Comment Written 25-May-2015
reply by the author on 25-May-2015
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Again Thank you!
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You're welcome. You are doing so well. Fez is a good helper.
Comment from Walu Feral
G'day Coral, this is another very interesting chapter mate. What a cruel boy that Carl was, you and the horse could have been badly hurt or was...another good story my friend...
a couple of suggestions for you....
"The kids enjoyed bottle feeding them, but when it came time to eat them, not(-not..they didn't enjoy it) so much."
"We owned other property's(properties) and everyone participated in "Bucking Hay."
"Horse's(Horses) were a pleasure and one of my favorite ways of escaping the crazy home occasionally."
Cheers Fez
reply by the author on 24-May-2015
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G'day Coral, this is another very interesting chapter mate. What a cruel boy that Carl was, you and the horse could have been badly hurt or was...another good story my friend...
a couple of suggestions for you....
"The kids enjoyed bottle feeding them, but when it came time to eat them, not(-not..they didn't enjoy it) so much."
"We owned other property's(properties) and everyone participated in "Bucking Hay."
"Horse's(Horses) were a pleasure and one of my favorite ways of escaping the crazy home occasionally."
Cheers Fez
Comment Written 24-May-2015
reply by the author on 24-May-2015
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You are the best!
even when you publish, I hope you keep writing.
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Thanks mate. I will keep writing, I have years and years to write about yet. My kids might have to finish it when I'm gone LOL.
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
Excellent story!! I love hearing about your life and I feel like I know you. You have a gift of story teller. The story flowed well and it was easy for me to read all the way to the end and very interested to know what happened next.
I found a few gramatical errors, no big deal, the story is what matters the most. I took the liberty to make some suggestions, it is your writing and your story so you can check it out and keep what you want (if any) and leave the rest.
1st paragraph: 'The property we found after coming home from California dental school had been cheep.'
[The property we found, after coming home from California, had been cheap (not cheep).] or you could say, [After coming home from a dental school in California, we found a cheap property.]
2nd paragraph: 'We had a barn, with cows, horses, chickens and rabbits also I occasionally found a goat or lamb to bring home, the kids enjoyed bottle feeding them, when it came time to eat them; not so much. Of course we always had cats and dogs. I have always been sad I never owned a baby pig.
[We had a barn with cows, horses, chickens and rabbits; also, I occasionally found a goat or a lamb to bring home. The kids enjoyed bottle feeding the animals, but when it came time to eat them, not so much.]
3rd paragraph: 'We owned other property's (properties) and everyone participated in "Bucking Hay." '
9th paragraph: 'We came from (a farming family) so it was not unusual to see a (cow or a deer) beef, or deer hanging in the garage(,) ready for a family meat processing day. In the beginning we also processed our own chickens.'
13th paragraph: 'I loved food purchased already prepared, homemade meant I was home making it.'
['I loved to buy 'ready to eat' food; 'homemade' meant I was home making it.']
15th paragraph: 'We ground our own wheat, for bread, grew gardens and bottled fruit and vegetables.'
[We grounded our own wheat for bread; and, in our garden, we grew our own fruits and vegetables.]
16th paragraph: 'Horse's were a pleasure and one of my favorite ways of escaping the crazy home occasionally. Although many mornings I found myself chasing horses that had escaped down the road before taking kids to school, in these days I was dressed in a long dress (it is so much easier to chase something wearing pants, me not the animal.)'
[Horses were a pleasure, and occasionally, one of my favorite ways to escape my crazy home life.
Although many mornings, before taking the kids to school, I found myself chasing horses that had escaped and were down the road. In those days, I wore a long dress. (Now, it is so much easier to chase something when I am wearing pants) ]
18th paragraph: 'During this time our family had taken in a boy needing a home, his name was Carl, he was related. He decided that Dolly should be his horse, he rode her a lot and I think he was the least trained of the horse and boy.'
[One time, our family took-in a relative that needed a home; he was a boy named Carl. He decided that Dolly should be his horse. He rode her a lot and I think he was the least trained between him and the horse]
20th paragraph: 'Gradually as I became more confident about riding I decided to ride Dolly, she knew me and as with all animals loved me. Carl was unhappy about me riding her, but offered to saddle her up for me. I thanked him; going out after he was done and mounted her, as my weight hit the saddle she immediately shot up into the air coming down on her side rolling me off, then standing by my head nuzzling me to see if I was alright, I reassured her and climbed back into the saddle, instantly she again shot up landing and rolling on me, then standing by me shaking.'
[Gradually, as I became more confident about riding, I decided to ride Dolly. She knew me and, as with all animals, she loved me. Carl was unhappy about me riding her, but offered to saddle her up for me. I thanked him. After he was done, I mounted her. As my weight hit the saddle, she immediately shot up into the air and she rolled me off. She stood by my head nuzzling me to see if I was alright. I reassured her I was ok and I climbed back into the saddle. She repeated the same thing again, then she stood by my side. I was shaking.
Last paragraph: 'As the religion I grew up in became more cult, many young people coming from my hometown were left homeless, the young men especially, we called them "The Lost Boys." Some changed for the better, being encouraged to get educated but many took advantage of kind people trying to help them.'
[As the religion I grew up in, became more like a cult, many of the young people who came from my hometown, were left homeless, especially the young men. We called them "The Lost Boys." Some changed for the better. We encouraged them to get an education, but many took advantage of the kind people who were trying to help them.]
reply by the author on 24-May-2015
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Excellent story!! I love hearing about your life and I feel like I know you. You have a gift of story teller. The story flowed well and it was easy for me to read all the way to the end and very interested to know what happened next.
I found a few gramatical errors, no big deal, the story is what matters the most. I took the liberty to make some suggestions, it is your writing and your story so you can check it out and keep what you want (if any) and leave the rest.
1st paragraph: 'The property we found after coming home from California dental school had been cheep.'
[The property we found, after coming home from California, had been cheap (not cheep).] or you could say, [After coming home from a dental school in California, we found a cheap property.]
2nd paragraph: 'We had a barn, with cows, horses, chickens and rabbits also I occasionally found a goat or lamb to bring home, the kids enjoyed bottle feeding them, when it came time to eat them; not so much. Of course we always had cats and dogs. I have always been sad I never owned a baby pig.
[We had a barn with cows, horses, chickens and rabbits; also, I occasionally found a goat or a lamb to bring home. The kids enjoyed bottle feeding the animals, but when it came time to eat them, not so much.]
3rd paragraph: 'We owned other property's (properties) and everyone participated in "Bucking Hay." '
9th paragraph: 'We came from (a farming family) so it was not unusual to see a (cow or a deer) beef, or deer hanging in the garage(,) ready for a family meat processing day. In the beginning we also processed our own chickens.'
13th paragraph: 'I loved food purchased already prepared, homemade meant I was home making it.'
['I loved to buy 'ready to eat' food; 'homemade' meant I was home making it.']
15th paragraph: 'We ground our own wheat, for bread, grew gardens and bottled fruit and vegetables.'
[We grounded our own wheat for bread; and, in our garden, we grew our own fruits and vegetables.]
16th paragraph: 'Horse's were a pleasure and one of my favorite ways of escaping the crazy home occasionally. Although many mornings I found myself chasing horses that had escaped down the road before taking kids to school, in these days I was dressed in a long dress (it is so much easier to chase something wearing pants, me not the animal.)'
[Horses were a pleasure, and occasionally, one of my favorite ways to escape my crazy home life.
Although many mornings, before taking the kids to school, I found myself chasing horses that had escaped and were down the road. In those days, I wore a long dress. (Now, it is so much easier to chase something when I am wearing pants) ]
18th paragraph: 'During this time our family had taken in a boy needing a home, his name was Carl, he was related. He decided that Dolly should be his horse, he rode her a lot and I think he was the least trained of the horse and boy.'
[One time, our family took-in a relative that needed a home; he was a boy named Carl. He decided that Dolly should be his horse. He rode her a lot and I think he was the least trained between him and the horse]
20th paragraph: 'Gradually as I became more confident about riding I decided to ride Dolly, she knew me and as with all animals loved me. Carl was unhappy about me riding her, but offered to saddle her up for me. I thanked him; going out after he was done and mounted her, as my weight hit the saddle she immediately shot up into the air coming down on her side rolling me off, then standing by my head nuzzling me to see if I was alright, I reassured her and climbed back into the saddle, instantly she again shot up landing and rolling on me, then standing by me shaking.'
[Gradually, as I became more confident about riding, I decided to ride Dolly. She knew me and, as with all animals, she loved me. Carl was unhappy about me riding her, but offered to saddle her up for me. I thanked him. After he was done, I mounted her. As my weight hit the saddle, she immediately shot up into the air and she rolled me off. She stood by my head nuzzling me to see if I was alright. I reassured her I was ok and I climbed back into the saddle. She repeated the same thing again, then she stood by my side. I was shaking.
Last paragraph: 'As the religion I grew up in became more cult, many young people coming from my hometown were left homeless, the young men especially, we called them "The Lost Boys." Some changed for the better, being encouraged to get educated but many took advantage of kind people trying to help them.'
[As the religion I grew up in, became more like a cult, many of the young people who came from my hometown, were left homeless, especially the young men. We called them "The Lost Boys." Some changed for the better. We encouraged them to get an education, but many took advantage of the kind people who were trying to help them.]
Comment Written 24-May-2015
reply by the author on 24-May-2015
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You are such a good teacher.
My process in learning is different and you help me to understand the grammar better.
I am going to attempt to take your advise.
Comment from Jay Squires
Your spacing is all off on this, CBat. You ought to go to the editor now and make sure you have spaces between paragraphs. This causes you to lose readers who make their initial decision on read or skip based on how clunky it is on the screen.
I quit after getting half-way through. I would like to finish this, so if you let me know you've made the spacing corrections, I will go back and read and also return your purloined star.
Fair enough?
reply by the author on 24-May-2015
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Your spacing is all off on this, CBat. You ought to go to the editor now and make sure you have spaces between paragraphs. This causes you to lose readers who make their initial decision on read or skip based on how clunky it is on the screen.
I quit after getting half-way through. I would like to finish this, so if you let me know you've made the spacing corrections, I will go back and read and also return your purloined star.
Fair enough?
Comment Written 24-May-2015
reply by the author on 24-May-2015
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Thank you!
I don't have to tell you, I have a big problem with this.
I just took a grammar class but I am not improving.
Question: If on the same subject is it one paragraph? As you noticed I get distracted easily.
Also spacing, I am not sure when to space.
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"If on the same subject is it one paragraph?" Usually that's the distinction. But sometimes a paragraph is as short as, "He smiled."
Go back to the line: We owned other property's and everyone participated in "Bucking Hay."
The one after that is only a half a line long. To me it belongs to the line before. It's part of the same thought. So if you put the cursor just before the first word of that half line and back space, it will bring it to the end of the previous line.
But then you have three paragraphs in a row that are not spaced between. You can tell because the sentence that ends the paragraph is at the end of a shortened line. You need to space between them. This is how they should look:
I often had to feed a calf with a bottle, the bottle being much larger than human baby bottles. Fortunately cows are not born with teeth, so the worst damage was a crazy roll in cow shit, the funny thing is that when a calf licks your face, it feels like sandpaper.
When working with a colt it was a different story, they are born with teeth, an affectionate nibble on your ear while working with them can hurt. What hurts more is if you accidentally get kicked in the jaw.
Sometimes our bull escaped in the night, all family that were big enough went out looking, we discovered a bull roar sounded like a bear, especially in the dark, I swear my hair stood on end.
Does that help? Good luck.
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Thank you for replying again, I think you helped.
I apologize for my inept writing, I stopped for awhile because I have such a problem comprehending English.
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You raise the question I didn't want to ask, afraid I might offend you, but is English your second language. What is your mother tongue?
