The Mess
A person asks himself how he will tell others about his MESS20 total reviews
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
There is no denying the quality of the write in this micro fiction piece. It was engaging and drew the reader along, but there was no pay off for that investment.
Interpretation is not hinted at but a wide open gap. I don't need everything wrapped up in a big bow, but a little more would have been better, in my opinion.
GMG
reply by the author on 24-May-2015
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Hi there,
There is no denying the quality of the write in this micro fiction piece. It was engaging and drew the reader along, but there was no pay off for that investment.
Interpretation is not hinted at but a wide open gap. I don't need everything wrapped up in a big bow, but a little more would have been better, in my opinion.
GMG
Comment Written 24-May-2015
reply by the author on 24-May-2015
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Thank you for your help.
Comment from Brett Matthew West
Sounds like old Army buddies sitting around in a bull session. Will have many people wondering what "the mess" is. Can be interpreted a whole lot of different ways.
reply by the author on 24-May-2015
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Sounds like old Army buddies sitting around in a bull session. Will have many people wondering what "the mess" is. Can be interpreted a whole lot of different ways.
Comment Written 24-May-2015
reply by the author on 24-May-2015
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Thank you for your kind words.
Comment from jpduck
While reading this, I began to realise that we weren't going to know what the 'mess' was until the final line. It was goung to be one hell of a sting in the tail.
I appreciate that there will be those who regard the last line as very clever, but I don't think I'm one of them. That's probably my problem, so I won't deduct stars.
Adrian
reply by the author on 24-May-2015
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While reading this, I began to realise that we weren't going to know what the 'mess' was until the final line. It was goung to be one hell of a sting in the tail.
I appreciate that there will be those who regard the last line as very clever, but I don't think I'm one of them. That's probably my problem, so I won't deduct stars.
Adrian
Comment Written 24-May-2015
reply by the author on 24-May-2015
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Thank you for your kind words.
Comment from Dean Kuch
Micro fiction is fun, and it's a lot more difficult to write, and do well, than many people think.
As for your story, I pictured a man who has a compulsion for gambling. A frequent lottery player to excess, he often loses his entire paycheck in poker games or betting his wad on the horses. He's also not very good at it.
This time he's borrowed money from a group of individuals with rather nasty reputations -- and dispositions to match! -- and bet the entire $20,000 bundle on an NHL playoff game between the Chicago Blackhawks and the Mighty Ducks of Anaheim. The problem being he's bet on The Ducks to win by 2, and they're losing by that same amount. Brent Seabrook's blast gives Chicago a two-goal lead, but Anaheim responds with three goals in just 37 seconds to stun the crowd and take a 4-3 lead. Things are suddenly beginning to look up. A holding penalty on Anaheim opens the door for Patrick Kane's power-play goal at 12:39 to force overtime, and Antoine Vermette scores the game-winner in the second overtime to lift the Chicago Blackhawks to a wild 5-4 series-tying win over the Anaheim Ducks at the United Center.
Game over, lights out for our hero.
Fade to black...
~Dean
reply by the author on 24-May-2015
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Micro fiction is fun, and it's a lot more difficult to write, and do well, than many people think.
As for your story, I pictured a man who has a compulsion for gambling. A frequent lottery player to excess, he often loses his entire paycheck in poker games or betting his wad on the horses. He's also not very good at it.
This time he's borrowed money from a group of individuals with rather nasty reputations -- and dispositions to match! -- and bet the entire $20,000 bundle on an NHL playoff game between the Chicago Blackhawks and the Mighty Ducks of Anaheim. The problem being he's bet on The Ducks to win by 2, and they're losing by that same amount. Brent Seabrook's blast gives Chicago a two-goal lead, but Anaheim responds with three goals in just 37 seconds to stun the crowd and take a 4-3 lead. Things are suddenly beginning to look up. A holding penalty on Anaheim opens the door for Patrick Kane's power-play goal at 12:39 to force overtime, and Antoine Vermette scores the game-winner in the second overtime to lift the Chicago Blackhawks to a wild 5-4 series-tying win over the Anaheim Ducks at the United Center.
Game over, lights out for our hero.
Fade to black...
~Dean
Comment Written 24-May-2015
reply by the author on 24-May-2015
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Thanks!!
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Welcome!!! :o
Comment from sibhus
Hmm, let's see, it involves a woman, or women, and will scar you for the rest of your life, ha, ha. A mess is a mess, and you've done a great job of describing outcome with your examples. a good piece that was an interesting read.
reply by the author on 24-May-2015
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Hmm, let's see, it involves a woman, or women, and will scar you for the rest of your life, ha, ha. A mess is a mess, and you've done a great job of describing outcome with your examples. a good piece that was an interesting read.
Comment Written 23-May-2015
reply by the author on 24-May-2015
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Thank you for your kind words.
Comment from Mastery
Very good. Is this for a contest here on the site, Gunner? I liked the way you handled the "mess" idea, but the only thing that stood out as out of place a bit was this: "I didn't plan on getting into this mess but, here I am" (I don't think anyone PLANS on getting into a mess. I would re-word this somehow were it me. Take care, my friend and good luck. Bob
reply by the author on 23-May-2015
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Very good. Is this for a contest here on the site, Gunner? I liked the way you handled the "mess" idea, but the only thing that stood out as out of place a bit was this: "I didn't plan on getting into this mess but, here I am" (I don't think anyone PLANS on getting into a mess. I would re-word this somehow were it me. Take care, my friend and good luck. Bob
Comment Written 23-May-2015
reply by the author on 23-May-2015
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Not a contest. Thanks for the kind words and input. Semper Fi
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Semper Fi
Comment from humpwhistle
I'm sorry, Gunner Lil, but I think it's the author's
responsibility to tell the story. I don't mind connecting the dots, but as far as I can tell, you haven't provided any dots. What am I missing?
Peace, Lee
reply by the author on 23-May-2015
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I'm sorry, Gunner Lil, but I think it's the author's
responsibility to tell the story. I don't mind connecting the dots, but as far as I can tell, you haven't provided any dots. What am I missing?
Peace, Lee
Comment Written 23-May-2015
reply by the author on 23-May-2015
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Don't be sorry, thanks for your input.
Comment from rspoet
The mess remains unknown, probably for the best. A little mystery never hurt anyone.
We knows it's significant, more than any previous mess. It's also survival-able, since at three others have lived through it, but not without consequences. Perhaps it's supernatural. You have accomplished a great deal in this short write. Well done
I'm not sure if "enigma" is the right word choice used towards the end.
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reply by the author on 23-May-2015
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The mess remains unknown, probably for the best. A little mystery never hurt anyone.
We knows it's significant, more than any previous mess. It's also survival-able, since at three others have lived through it, but not without consequences. Perhaps it's supernatural. You have accomplished a great deal in this short write. Well done
I'm not sure if "enigma" is the right word choice used towards the end.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 23-May-2015
reply by the author on 23-May-2015
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Thank you for your kind words and help.
Comment from Justin Chopin
Very descriptive Gunner. The best guess I can make for the horrible situation this man has found himself in is that he is being blackmailed by someone from his past who utterly detests him either that or someone is looking to murder him. The voice you used in this piece was excellent. Can't wait to read more of this piece.
reply by the author on 23-May-2015
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Very descriptive Gunner. The best guess I can make for the horrible situation this man has found himself in is that he is being blackmailed by someone from his past who utterly detests him either that or someone is looking to murder him. The voice you used in this piece was excellent. Can't wait to read more of this piece.
Comment Written 23-May-2015
reply by the author on 23-May-2015
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Thank you for the great rating. Flash shorts are fun to write. I am happy you enjoyed it.
Thank you again.
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you're welcome.
Comment from Veeb
Nice flash. You definitely leave the reader wondering about the mess. I am guess that you got blamed for someone else's mistake. Just a hunch.
One suggestion: "a couple (of) people (got) (angry), but not for long.
Interesting story; glad it didn't cost you anything, and hope it all works out for the best. At the very least, I think you've gained some experience and maybe another story!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 23-May-2015
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Nice flash. You definitely leave the reader wondering about the mess. I am guess that you got blamed for someone else's mistake. Just a hunch.
One suggestion: "a couple (of) people (got) (angry), but not for long.
Interesting story; glad it didn't cost you anything, and hope it all works out for the best. At the very least, I think you've gained some experience and maybe another story!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 23-May-2015
reply by the author on 23-May-2015
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Thank you for your kind words and help.
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most welcome.
