Beautiful Death
Viewing comments for Chapter 10001 "Un-Fettered"from birth I have longed for death
3 total reviews
Comment from Walu Feral
G'day Coral, fascinating stuff mate. She sounds like a bit of a rebel, perhaps she wanted to break away from the religion and didn't know how, but what I can see through this chapter is that you and your other sisters did your best to keep her safe, which is a hard task. Well done on this one my friend, you have my applause.
A few little suggestions for you to consider....
"She was also married by instruction of our "Leaders",("leaders,") she was a first wife."
"She had an active or "Hot"("hot") relationship as she described it."
"She comes home un-expected(unexpectedly) and he is telling and showing wife number two the same things"
"I cant(can't) say I blamed her, this town had only racist people,"
"Baby sister was there for my sister when she left, there for(her) when she died also."
"She when large or small invited and reveled(revelled) in mans(man's) attention," try this......."When she was young and as she got older she invited many men home and revelled in their attention."
"there was never a question if(-if...+as to whether) she had (any) under wear(underwear) on."
"others(other) times she talked of wealthy men wanting to take care of them."
"She as we, were we getting older and needed to decide her own life style(lifestyle)."
Cheers Fez
reply by the author on 19-May-2015
  |
G'day Coral, fascinating stuff mate. She sounds like a bit of a rebel, perhaps she wanted to break away from the religion and didn't know how, but what I can see through this chapter is that you and your other sisters did your best to keep her safe, which is a hard task. Well done on this one my friend, you have my applause.
A few little suggestions for you to consider....
"She was also married by instruction of our "Leaders",("leaders,") she was a first wife."
"She had an active or "Hot"("hot") relationship as she described it."
"She comes home un-expected(unexpectedly) and he is telling and showing wife number two the same things"
"I cant(can't) say I blamed her, this town had only racist people,"
"Baby sister was there for my sister when she left, there for(her) when she died also."
"She when large or small invited and reveled(revelled) in mans(man's) attention," try this......."When she was young and as she got older she invited many men home and revelled in their attention."
"there was never a question if(-if...+as to whether) she had (any) under wear(underwear) on."
"others(other) times she talked of wealthy men wanting to take care of them."
"She as we, were we getting older and needed to decide her own life style(lifestyle)."
Cheers Fez
Comment Written 18-May-2015
reply by the author on 19-May-2015
-
Thank you for all your encouragement.
I have to do corrections quickly, so not to screw up too much.
Things are a little harry here, my son in law is getting his toe removed due to diabeaties (sp wrong) today.
-
No problems at all you are always welcome. Wish your son in law good l;uck from me and Delia.
-
Give family hugs, you never know where you will be next.
Comment from davisr (Rhonda)
This is a very interesting story about what your sister went through with her husband and his new wife, and how that drove her to an unhealthy lifestyle. The story introduces people to another world that few know a lot about. You were very kinds when talking about your sister and her children, and even to the husband who was following the traditions that he was taught. Good job.
Thanks for sharing,
Rhonda
reply by the author on 18-May-2015
|
This is a very interesting story about what your sister went through with her husband and his new wife, and how that drove her to an unhealthy lifestyle. The story introduces people to another world that few know a lot about. You were very kinds when talking about your sister and her children, and even to the husband who was following the traditions that he was taught. Good job.
Thanks for sharing,
Rhonda
Comment Written 18-May-2015
reply by the author on 18-May-2015
-
Thank You.
Many of my siblings survived so much more than I.
-
That's very sad, but I'm glad you came through it all with a positive attitude!
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
I love your story and they way you tell it. It must have been very difficult to live in a Mormon family. But it is not just Mormon families, many families around the world are difficult. I had a very hard life and I am not Mormon, so I hope I am not coming across to you as if I am judging, because I am not.
You do a great job!!! -action flows smoothly, you use descriptive language, you have excellent character development, and you always hold my interest all the way to the end.
***I have a few suggestions, you may use them or not. I am not an expert but you can check it out and see if it makes sense to you.
paragraph: Most of her children did great things,,,,,,,,,,,, put in jail,she (just needs a space between jail and she)
paragraph: She was as were we getting older and needed to decide her own life style.
( separate [as were we] with commas, )
paragraph: I learned over the years,,,,,,,, . Of both I know it happens and the pain, shame and guilt is shared by family and [victim's]. [I would rewrite this paragraph a little]
for example: I know it happens with both, and the pain, shame, and guilt is shared by family and victims. (victims is plural, no apostrophy)
paragraph: The ones actually telling the truth are in my opinion damaged more by this as any one else.
(place commas to separate [in my opinion] from the rest of the sentance.)
reply by the author on 18-May-2015
|
I love your story and they way you tell it. It must have been very difficult to live in a Mormon family. But it is not just Mormon families, many families around the world are difficult. I had a very hard life and I am not Mormon, so I hope I am not coming across to you as if I am judging, because I am not.
You do a great job!!! -action flows smoothly, you use descriptive language, you have excellent character development, and you always hold my interest all the way to the end.
***I have a few suggestions, you may use them or not. I am not an expert but you can check it out and see if it makes sense to you.
paragraph: Most of her children did great things,,,,,,,,,,,, put in jail,she (just needs a space between jail and she)
paragraph: She was as were we getting older and needed to decide her own life style.
( separate [as were we] with commas, )
paragraph: I learned over the years,,,,,,,, . Of both I know it happens and the pain, shame and guilt is shared by family and [victim's]. [I would rewrite this paragraph a little]
for example: I know it happens with both, and the pain, shame, and guilt is shared by family and victims. (victims is plural, no apostrophy)
paragraph: The ones actually telling the truth are in my opinion damaged more by this as any one else.
(place commas to separate [in my opinion] from the rest of the sentance.)
Comment Written 18-May-2015
reply by the author on 18-May-2015
-
Thank you.
As I have seen life, people suffer everywhere, religion is sometimes a comfort.
It is sad to admit bad often comes with the good.
I try to correct my work quickly when you so kindly offer it.
I do not seem to retain some things of grammar in my head.
-
No worries, I do the same thing and I appreciate when other writers give me suggestions. The errors are very small, you write beautifully.
