Darkness Steals The Night
50 Words or less story contest8 total reviews
Comment from w.j.debi
It is hard to create an entire story in 50 words, but you have done it. This is suspenseful and creepy. Darkness didn't give his victim a chance. Great use of sensory description to heighten the drama and the fear.
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2015
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It is hard to create an entire story in 50 words, but you have done it. This is suspenseful and creepy. Darkness didn't give his victim a chance. Great use of sensory description to heighten the drama and the fear.
Comment Written 02-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2015
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Thank you so much! It was the first thing I wrote when I signed back up. I will look forward to reading your work as well. Pamelia (aka) BellaSpirit
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Bella. I am trying to remember you? I joined in 2004...and I see you supposedly joined FS in 2007? Well, anyway, I am still getting notices that mesns I am still a fan. Fine with me, because this entry is excellent/ The only thing I would question is "darkness and night" are pretty much the same thing, aren't they?
I wish you the best of luck in the contest, however, I would cautiopn you that I will not review anymore work for the two cents paid. I just cannot afford the time, no matter how good the writing is. I think you will find this is true of 95 percent of the members. Blessings Bob (Mastery)
reply by the author on 07-May-2015
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Hi, Bella. I am trying to remember you? I joined in 2004...and I see you supposedly joined FS in 2007? Well, anyway, I am still getting notices that mesns I am still a fan. Fine with me, because this entry is excellent/ The only thing I would question is "darkness and night" are pretty much the same thing, aren't they?
I wish you the best of luck in the contest, however, I would cautiopn you that I will not review anymore work for the two cents paid. I just cannot afford the time, no matter how good the writing is. I think you will find this is true of 95 percent of the members. Blessings Bob (Mastery)
Comment Written 05-May-2015
reply by the author on 07-May-2015
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Hey Bob, I do remember you. We had/have a common interest...my youngest son and his wife are Marines.
It's been a while...thank you for taking time to review this little piece. My thoughts on darkness steals the night were it can be dark and still be able to see but when it's really dark, it steals all the light. I guess I think people can read my mind.
I have time issues as well, and need to review more so I can promote my work more. Thank you again and I will look forward to reading Semper Fi.
Comment from JM
"echoes in the nights stillness" Question:
Did you mean "night's" (apostrophe). I enjoyed your story. I do think it has the element of a thriller. You set the tone very nicely with words like "shadow", "darkness","stench". Great job.
reply by the author on 04-May-2015
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"echoes in the nights stillness" Question:
Did you mean "night's" (apostrophe). I enjoyed your story. I do think it has the element of a thriller. You set the tone very nicely with words like "shadow", "darkness","stench". Great job.
Comment Written 04-May-2015
reply by the author on 04-May-2015
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Yes I did mean to say...night's. Thank you for catching that. I'm so out of practice, I find I'm making simple mistakes. I appreciate your compliment and help.
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
good job!
-action flows smoothly
-descriptive language used
-excellent format and picture (I would change the font to bold)
-excellent character development
-held the reader's interest
reply by the author on 04-May-2015
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good job!
-action flows smoothly
-descriptive language used
-excellent format and picture (I would change the font to bold)
-excellent character development
-held the reader's interest
Comment Written 04-May-2015
reply by the author on 04-May-2015
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Thanks so much Gypsy. I did have trouble with the formatting. I will have to look at that again. I've been away too long and needs some serious brushing up.
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no worries, it was just a suggestion. :)
Comment from Dawn Munro
This little gem most definitely captures the theme beautifully - tense, suspenseful - the 'shadow' introduction ratchets up the fear and keeps us in its grip right through to the chilling ending.
A few suggestions - 1) "Cloaked in (the) darkness..." - omit "the" - it's not needed 2) keep the verb tense consistent throughout 3) keep POV clear* 4) avoid fragmented sentences, especially in a fifty-word challenge
Example: The shadow beside the open window moves. Fear tightens my throat. Panic floods me. He's cloaked in darkness. *I hear* his breath quicken. My heart's pounding echoes in the night's stillness. Suddenly, a hand is choking me, crushing, nails digging - the stench overpowers me, as darkness steals the night.
This review reflects my opinion ONLY - it is offered in the sincere hope it's helpful. Your entry is marvelous. Capturing the 'mood' is probably one of the most important aspects of this genre, and you did it admirably. (My favorite in this respect.) Excellent!
(Oh, and check the spelling of your title - 'steels' should be "steals". :)
reply by the author on 04-May-2015
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This little gem most definitely captures the theme beautifully - tense, suspenseful - the 'shadow' introduction ratchets up the fear and keeps us in its grip right through to the chilling ending.
A few suggestions - 1) "Cloaked in (the) darkness..." - omit "the" - it's not needed 2) keep the verb tense consistent throughout 3) keep POV clear* 4) avoid fragmented sentences, especially in a fifty-word challenge
Example: The shadow beside the open window moves. Fear tightens my throat. Panic floods me. He's cloaked in darkness. *I hear* his breath quicken. My heart's pounding echoes in the night's stillness. Suddenly, a hand is choking me, crushing, nails digging - the stench overpowers me, as darkness steals the night.
This review reflects my opinion ONLY - it is offered in the sincere hope it's helpful. Your entry is marvelous. Capturing the 'mood' is probably one of the most important aspects of this genre, and you did it admirably. (My favorite in this respect.) Excellent!
(Oh, and check the spelling of your title - 'steels' should be "steals". :)
Comment Written 04-May-2015
reply by the author on 04-May-2015
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Dawn, thank you for such a helpful review. This is is what I needed! I liked your suggestions and will go back and look at it again. I appreciated this help more than you know.
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Oh, do be careful about making any changes according to my suggestions, please - I read it again, and even wrote you a private message about it because I liked it so much. Your version is more suspenseful than the example I gave, I think...so do I have your blessing to use your story as my example in the essay I want to write? (Oh, and by the way - your story won my vote. *grin*)
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Yes Ma'am, you may use my work and I will look forward to reading it again.
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BIG grin= :) Thank you!
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
You may want to check the font size, as it is almost unreadable.
His is hand squeezing - delete 'is'
Nice tension built up in the piece. Good job
GMG
reply by the author on 04-May-2015
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Hi there,
You may want to check the font size, as it is almost unreadable.
His is hand squeezing - delete 'is'
Nice tension built up in the piece. Good job
GMG
Comment Written 04-May-2015
reply by the author on 04-May-2015
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Thank you so much. It was late and I think I did this in my sleep. I will make the corrections.
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Do. This is a good competition. Some nice entries of which yours is one.
Comment from mfowler
Very nice, flash and you have created tension and fear with just 50 words. I loved the final line: Darkness steels the night; very poignant. Did you mean: Darkness makes the night steely; or Darkness takes away the night? (That would be steal) Either way, I think it works very well. You did really well to combine such action in that sequence:'His is hand squeezing, choking, crushing, nails digging.' (You might need to fix this to read: His (hand) is squeezing, choking, crushing, nails digging.
Here too: Fear tensed tight in my throat....you have a past tense verb while the rest are present. Present tense works for you as these types of scary scenes are best done in the immediate tense. Really takes you there.
With those things accounted for, I think you have an excellent entry. Good luck.
reply by the author on 04-May-2015
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Very nice, flash and you have created tension and fear with just 50 words. I loved the final line: Darkness steels the night; very poignant. Did you mean: Darkness makes the night steely; or Darkness takes away the night? (That would be steal) Either way, I think it works very well. You did really well to combine such action in that sequence:'His is hand squeezing, choking, crushing, nails digging.' (You might need to fix this to read: His (hand) is squeezing, choking, crushing, nails digging.
Here too: Fear tensed tight in my throat....you have a past tense verb while the rest are present. Present tense works for you as these types of scary scenes are best done in the immediate tense. Really takes you there.
With those things accounted for, I think you have an excellent entry. Good luck.
Comment Written 04-May-2015
reply by the author on 04-May-2015
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I appreciate your taking time to give such thorough review. I will make the adjustments.
Comment from Loyd C. Taylor, Sr
Good morning friend. I enjoyed your post and wish you the best in the contest.
I found an extra word in the following line, you may wish to check it out.
I enjoyed, Loyd
"His is hand squeezing, choking, crushing, nails digging"
reply by the author on 04-May-2015
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Good morning friend. I enjoyed your post and wish you the best in the contest.
I found an extra word in the following line, you may wish to check it out.
I enjoyed, Loyd
"His is hand squeezing, choking, crushing, nails digging"
Comment Written 04-May-2015
reply by the author on 04-May-2015
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Thank you, Loyd. I will go fix that.
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My pleasure. May I invite you to check out some of my work here on Fanstory?
I would be honored.
Loyd C. Taylor, Sr.
