flip flops held in hand: 5-7-5 suite
track memories, not sand, into the house87 total reviews
Comment from Jumbo J
Hi Sis Cat,
this brought it all in for me... I live nested in between river, sea and heritage rain forest... our village is based on sand... it's very much like living on the beach full-time... sand is traipsed everywhere, and yes usually donning ones feet, shoes, flip flops-( which are called thongs here in Australia)... yes it probably conjurers a different thought and use in your neck of the woods... smile))))))))))... but sand never escapes our existence... never I say!
So I love this beautifully constructed 5-7-5 suite of imagery and notes to where the enlightenment was conceived... a truly enjoyable read.
With our thoughts we create,
the view of a memory,
James xv's.
******Stars!!!!!!
reply by the author on 08-May-2015
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Hi Sis Cat,
this brought it all in for me... I live nested in between river, sea and heritage rain forest... our village is based on sand... it's very much like living on the beach full-time... sand is traipsed everywhere, and yes usually donning ones feet, shoes, flip flops-( which are called thongs here in Australia)... yes it probably conjurers a different thought and use in your neck of the woods... smile))))))))))... but sand never escapes our existence... never I say!
So I love this beautifully constructed 5-7-5 suite of imagery and notes to where the enlightenment was conceived... a truly enjoyable read.
With our thoughts we create,
the view of a memory,
James xv's.
******Stars!!!!!!
Comment Written 07-May-2015
reply by the author on 08-May-2015
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Thank you, Jumbo J, for your kind review and memories. I am astounded by the images I created by the sight of sandy feet. Cheers.
Comment from lakeport
flip flops held in hand, indeed it has been a long time I been at an oceanfront beach. that's a lovely 5/7/5 poem, I enjoyed reading it, God bless you, lakeport.
reply by the author on 07-May-2015
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flip flops held in hand, indeed it has been a long time I been at an oceanfront beach. that's a lovely 5/7/5 poem, I enjoyed reading it, God bless you, lakeport.
Comment Written 06-May-2015
reply by the author on 07-May-2015
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Thank you, lakeport. Your review thrilled me. I am glad my poem brought back memories.
Comment from TKField
You have skillfully expresses the experience of going to the beach. Sand, sand sand. It gets everywhere. Wet feet, flip flops. very childlike, this captures the innocence of youth and the nostalgia of a golden past. I can just hear the sea gulls cawing.
reply by the author on 06-May-2015
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You have skillfully expresses the experience of going to the beach. Sand, sand sand. It gets everywhere. Wet feet, flip flops. very childlike, this captures the innocence of youth and the nostalgia of a golden past. I can just hear the sea gulls cawing.
Comment Written 06-May-2015
reply by the author on 06-May-2015
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Thank you, TKField, for your fine review. I am glad my poem brought back memories. Sand in ones posterior itches!
Comment from visionary1234
A fun piece. Love the 'feet dipped in stardust' - and also enjoyed your explanation of your inspiration, Cat. (Bare feet are dear to my heart - I grew up in Australia and now live in Hawaii ... need I say more?) Love the freedom you remind us about ...
:)S
reply by the author on 05-May-2015
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A fun piece. Love the 'feet dipped in stardust' - and also enjoyed your explanation of your inspiration, Cat. (Bare feet are dear to my heart - I grew up in Australia and now live in Hawaii ... need I say more?) Love the freedom you remind us about ...
:)S
Comment Written 05-May-2015
reply by the author on 05-May-2015
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Thank you, visionary1234, for your fine review. I am glad my 5-7-5 suite brought back fond memories.
Comment from rama devi
Second review
YAY! :-)))
First review (FOUR stars)
Love the feet dipped in stardust satori line! That makes the poem sparkle and shine radiantly! Good originality in content, tone, wording and imagery. Good alliteration as well, especially in the first one, with F, H, T and S as well as consonance of P and S. PHONETICALLY RESONANT!
However, the first two poems do not really fit haiku genre because, unlike the third one, they do not have TWO CONSECUTIVE GRAMMATICALLY CONNECTED LINES off-played by a single, distinct Satori line. Reading aloud, both the first two lines or both the first two stanzas might be read as separate sentences or sentence fragments. In the first one, however, one imagines a comma after hand, and the enjambment works fine as two linked lines. However, the fact that it rhymes also makes it NOT haiku (which never allows end-rhyme). Thus, I strongly recommend you consider changing SAND to SHORE or BEACH or SHELLS, especially since the sand is anyway refereed to in the third haiku. Example, with my most recommended edit:
flip flops held in hand
wet toes trudge across the shore
feet dipped in stardust
In the second haiku, the satori line is lovely in its simplicity, thus reflecting it's own content:
kids play at the sea
The use of IN THE and AND make the first two lines sound wordy, and since the lines also lack grammatically continuity, I recommend playing around with them a bit, especially bearing in mind that traditional haiku needs only a short-long short formula in the breaths and not a rigid 5-7-5 structure. In fact, 3-5-3 is quite typical...or 2-4-3, or any combination of 17 syllables or LESS
Example suggestions to illustrate some options:
sparkling sun
smiles and waves grasp memories
or make it a list:
smiles, waves and
sparkling sun grasp memories
Pitch perfect haiku form in the third one, with a clever and amusing closing satori. Great children reference without mentioning kids. Nice alliteration and consonance on T and internal slant rhyme (which is permissible, I believe) on track and backs:
encrusted, tanned legs
track the oceanfront indoors
sand backs up the tub
If you call these 5-7-5 and not haiku, then I can upgrade the rating, which is based on the fact that you intended these as haiku.
Otherwise, this post leans towards a six for inventiveness, effectiveness and great originality as well as the way it captures the energy of a day at the beach with the kids and the sandy but happily fatigued aftermath of the fun, memorable and relationship-building day. I like how kids are mentioned just once, but hinted at in the first and last ones by showing, not telling. Well crafted! Delightful to read. Touching, too.
Although this has six star potential, I cannot offer more than four stars, with integrity, because of the rhyme and form in the first one not fitting haiku...
Nonetheless, you have my hearty applause and admiration!
Good message too.
Much enjoyed (your notes too).
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 05-May-2015
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Second review
YAY! :-)))
First review (FOUR stars)
Love the feet dipped in stardust satori line! That makes the poem sparkle and shine radiantly! Good originality in content, tone, wording and imagery. Good alliteration as well, especially in the first one, with F, H, T and S as well as consonance of P and S. PHONETICALLY RESONANT!
However, the first two poems do not really fit haiku genre because, unlike the third one, they do not have TWO CONSECUTIVE GRAMMATICALLY CONNECTED LINES off-played by a single, distinct Satori line. Reading aloud, both the first two lines or both the first two stanzas might be read as separate sentences or sentence fragments. In the first one, however, one imagines a comma after hand, and the enjambment works fine as two linked lines. However, the fact that it rhymes also makes it NOT haiku (which never allows end-rhyme). Thus, I strongly recommend you consider changing SAND to SHORE or BEACH or SHELLS, especially since the sand is anyway refereed to in the third haiku. Example, with my most recommended edit:
flip flops held in hand
wet toes trudge across the shore
feet dipped in stardust
In the second haiku, the satori line is lovely in its simplicity, thus reflecting it's own content:
kids play at the sea
The use of IN THE and AND make the first two lines sound wordy, and since the lines also lack grammatically continuity, I recommend playing around with them a bit, especially bearing in mind that traditional haiku needs only a short-long short formula in the breaths and not a rigid 5-7-5 structure. In fact, 3-5-3 is quite typical...or 2-4-3, or any combination of 17 syllables or LESS
Example suggestions to illustrate some options:
sparkling sun
smiles and waves grasp memories
or make it a list:
smiles, waves and
sparkling sun grasp memories
Pitch perfect haiku form in the third one, with a clever and amusing closing satori. Great children reference without mentioning kids. Nice alliteration and consonance on T and internal slant rhyme (which is permissible, I believe) on track and backs:
encrusted, tanned legs
track the oceanfront indoors
sand backs up the tub
If you call these 5-7-5 and not haiku, then I can upgrade the rating, which is based on the fact that you intended these as haiku.
Otherwise, this post leans towards a six for inventiveness, effectiveness and great originality as well as the way it captures the energy of a day at the beach with the kids and the sandy but happily fatigued aftermath of the fun, memorable and relationship-building day. I like how kids are mentioned just once, but hinted at in the first and last ones by showing, not telling. Well crafted! Delightful to read. Touching, too.
Although this has six star potential, I cannot offer more than four stars, with integrity, because of the rhyme and form in the first one not fitting haiku...
Nonetheless, you have my hearty applause and admiration!
Good message too.
Much enjoyed (your notes too).
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 05-May-2015
reply by the author on 05-May-2015
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Rama, thank you for your thorough review and suggestions. I have changed my title and author's notes to 5-7-5 for accuracy and the upgrade in rating. Many reviewers pointed out that they were not traditional haiku because of the rhyme but you went into detail with helpful suggestions and alternatives. As a 5-7-5, my poem can keep the rhyme.
Thank you for your helpful suggestions. There is a lot of information to digest right now in the eleventh and final hour of my post. Renaming it 5-7-5 is a start.
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Indeed, yes! It can have rhyme in 5-7-5, as well as other rules being bent, like using punctuation, caps, personification, lack of present tense, lack of conjoined lines, etc.
Upgrading!
Warmly, rd
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Thank you very much. One thing your review and many other reviewers' comments pointed out is my need to study the different forms and know the differences and the rules between them. I read haiku, but I never heard of a 5-7-5 or a Senryu until I joined FS in January. A 5-7-5 will give me flexibility to do things haiku disallows. Thanks for the information.
Comment from Curly Girly
Everything about this poem sounds fun and nostalgic, apart from this:
sand backs up the tub
OOpsie! Who is going to clean it? Hopefully, not the plumber!
reply by the author on 05-May-2015
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Everything about this poem sounds fun and nostalgic, apart from this:
sand backs up the tub
OOpsie! Who is going to clean it? Hopefully, not the plumber!
Comment Written 05-May-2015
reply by the author on 05-May-2015
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Thank you, Curly Girl, for your fine and fun review. I am amazed that three days ago the sight of sandy feet inspired this nostalgic poem.
Comment from ravenblack
Very good haiku suite. I really like your progression from ethereal stardust to kids laughing and playing to the end of the day when time in intense light of vision is finished- sand backs up in the tub. Really, a funny line.
reply by the author on 05-May-2015
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Very good haiku suite. I really like your progression from ethereal stardust to kids laughing and playing to the end of the day when time in intense light of vision is finished- sand backs up in the tub. Really, a funny line.
Comment Written 05-May-2015
reply by the author on 05-May-2015
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Thank you, ravenblack, for your fine review. You are the first to point out my suite's progression. Thanks.
Comment from davisr (Rhonda)
Really nice summer-type poem about the beach and children playing in the sand and sea.
Great imagery that invokes memories from childhood, even the sand in the bathtub. Funny how much more enjoyable the sand is until you take it home with you!
Great picture to go with the peom. Loved it,
Rhonda
reply by the author on 05-May-2015
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Really nice summer-type poem about the beach and children playing in the sand and sea.
Great imagery that invokes memories from childhood, even the sand in the bathtub. Funny how much more enjoyable the sand is until you take it home with you!
Great picture to go with the peom. Loved it,
Rhonda
Comment Written 05-May-2015
reply by the author on 05-May-2015
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Thank you, Rhonda, for your fine review. I am glad my poem brought back memories for you. Thanks.
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It was great!
Comment from mermaids
Your words bring back memories. I like the line track the oceanfront indoors, it is true to life. I still bring the oceanfront indoors today after going to the beach in the summer. Your haiku form brings up a clear scene and feelings of going to the beach.
reply by the author on 05-May-2015
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Your words bring back memories. I like the line track the oceanfront indoors, it is true to life. I still bring the oceanfront indoors today after going to the beach in the summer. Your haiku form brings up a clear scene and feelings of going to the beach.
Comment Written 05-May-2015
reply by the author on 05-May-2015
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Thank you, mermaids, for your wonderful review. I am glad my haiku form brought back fond memories of you bringing the oceanfront inside.
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
Your linked haikus are most impressive.
even without the picture I could visualize
the scene through your words.
most enjoyable.
Margaret
reply by the author on 05-May-2015
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Your linked haikus are most impressive.
even without the picture I could visualize
the scene through your words.
most enjoyable.
Margaret
Comment Written 05-May-2015
reply by the author on 05-May-2015
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Thank you, Margaret, for your accurate review. I strove to create a haiku suite that was so visual it could stand alone without picture or author's notes. So often I see haiku that requires a picture or author's notes for explanation. Another key to my poem is that I used powerful verbs in each line: trudge, encrusted, backs up, etc. This creates a visual and a tactile experience for the reader. Thank you for reviewing.
