Short Stories
Viewing comments for Chapter 8 "Stay Safe"A book of a mixture of stories
11 total reviews
Comment from IndianaIrish
It's so good reading a story from you again, Carol! This is a good story with good descriptions, great dialogue, and action strat kept me reading. A sad but true ending. I wish you good luck in the contest. I have a couple of suggestions you can use or toss.
Smiles,
Karyn :-)
Duncan aka the Crusher.. (Extra period)
From the confines of the back seat.(,) Duncan's burly body leaned forward and his massive hand squeezed Jay's shoulder. "We got your back(,) bro...You, Me and Master T... we're a team, man." (The use of the double ellipsis is a bit disruptive. Maybe period after bro and comma after T?)
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2015
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It's so good reading a story from you again, Carol! This is a good story with good descriptions, great dialogue, and action strat kept me reading. A sad but true ending. I wish you good luck in the contest. I have a couple of suggestions you can use or toss.
Smiles,
Karyn :-)
Duncan aka the Crusher.. (Extra period)
From the confines of the back seat.(,) Duncan's burly body leaned forward and his massive hand squeezed Jay's shoulder. "We got your back(,) bro...You, Me and Master T... we're a team, man." (The use of the double ellipsis is a bit disruptive. Maybe period after bro and comma after T?)
Comment Written 29-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2015
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Karyn.....Thanks for stopping by to read my post...Unfortunately it is based on my grandson so it was one of my ways of dealing with it. (Rockford has had unbelievable amount of drive by shootings) The list of tragedies in this family is horrible, but maybe writing again will help me deal with it. I'm a bit rusty it seems in the writing department ...don't know if that's my time away or just this old lady's cob=webbed brain. Thanks again...Smiles and hugs, dear friend.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
This story is very intense. I really enjoyed reading this contest entry. I am glad you didn't forget your talent while you were away. This is very good writing. Good luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2015
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This story is very intense. I really enjoyed reading this contest entry. I am glad you didn't forget your talent while you were away. This is very good writing. Good luck with the contest.
Comment Written 27-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2015
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Thanks Barb....Life's been giving me a lot of tragedy to draw upon for my writing..Need to release it somewhere so glad I can still use my writing as an outlet. Appreciate your kind words and hope I can live up to expectations. have a great day
Comment from Nosha17
Interesting story, with well written dialogue, and amusing characters. I found quite a few errors, I have edited it for you: Line 1, bone-chilling is being used as an adverb here so it should read bone-chillingly. Para 5, verb is fish-tail, in the past tense it is fish-tailed. Para 8, you're wearin'. Para 11, the expression is 'for Christ's sake'. Part II, Para 7 and Para 9, its way. Para 10, Did one explode? Good luck in the contest. Faye
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reply by the author on 27-Apr-2015
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Interesting story, with well written dialogue, and amusing characters. I found quite a few errors, I have edited it for you: Line 1, bone-chilling is being used as an adverb here so it should read bone-chillingly. Para 5, verb is fish-tail, in the past tense it is fish-tailed. Para 8, you're wearin'. Para 11, the expression is 'for Christ's sake'. Part II, Para 7 and Para 9, its way. Para 10, Did one explode? Good luck in the contest. Faye
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 27-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2015
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Thank you for your comments and your assistance. It appears as I corrected things I forgot to save it, but I appreciate you bringing it to my attention. Been a long time since I've been posting here and guess I am a bit rusty. thank you and have a great day!
Comment from Tatarka2
I thought this was a very powerful story, and so well-told. There are just a couple of SPAGS, mostly in the beginning: "YOUR cheap ass," (not "you're"); "RITE of passage" (not "RIGHT,") and "ICE-LADEN trees," (not "ice laden.") I love the beginning - it takes the reader immediately into the story in an intriguing way. I also thought this story was perfectly told and formatted for FanStory. Congratulations on a strong entry.
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2015
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I thought this was a very powerful story, and so well-told. There are just a couple of SPAGS, mostly in the beginning: "YOUR cheap ass," (not "you're"); "RITE of passage" (not "RIGHT,") and "ICE-LADEN trees," (not "ice laden.") I love the beginning - it takes the reader immediately into the story in an intriguing way. I also thought this story was perfectly told and formatted for FanStory. Congratulations on a strong entry.
Comment Written 27-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2015
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thank you for you assistance in catching my errors and for taking the time to read and enjoy my story. I appreciate your comments and stars! Have a great day!
Comment from jpduck
I thought this was a very skillful piece of writing. The characters were well developed, and the tension and unease was gradually turned up. The finale, with Jay observing his own corpse, and talking sadly to his Mama, was superb.
Some bits & pieces:
'Duncan couldn't resist the temptation to tease his friend a little more.' (Insert a blank line after this to mark the new paragraph).
'and besides Terence and Duncan always had his back' (I don't understand this. Should 'his' be 'him'? Or is it some expression I haven't come across, I wonder?).
Adrian
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2015
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I thought this was a very skillful piece of writing. The characters were well developed, and the tension and unease was gradually turned up. The finale, with Jay observing his own corpse, and talking sadly to his Mama, was superb.
Some bits & pieces:
'Duncan couldn't resist the temptation to tease his friend a little more.' (Insert a blank line after this to mark the new paragraph).
'and besides Terence and Duncan always had his back' (I don't understand this. Should 'his' be 'him'? Or is it some expression I haven't come across, I wonder?).
Adrian
Comment Written 27-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2015
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Thank you for your comments and suggestions. I appreciate it and also for taking the time to read my story.
I've got your back is an expression....Meaning I will always be there for you or watching so nothing happens. Friends always have their friends back..supporting them in what every way they need.
Thanks again...Have a great day!
Comment from Sasha
You have done an absolutely superb job with this. You captured my full attention from the very beginning. You also did a great job building the tension by subtly letting the reader know something was going to happen. I like that you didn't include a fight or an argument to emphasize the stupidity of there not having to really be a reason. Great work with this and a terrific entry for this contest. I wish you all the best too.
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2015
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You have done an absolutely superb job with this. You captured my full attention from the very beginning. You also did a great job building the tension by subtly letting the reader know something was going to happen. I like that you didn't include a fight or an argument to emphasize the stupidity of there not having to really be a reason. Great work with this and a terrific entry for this contest. I wish you all the best too.
Comment Written 27-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2015
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Sasha...six stars coming from my highly accomplished friend is a true compliment. Thank you so much for kind words and stars. Though this is a fictional account, my grandson was killed in January by a drive by shooter so I wanted the reader to realize there are people living their lives until someone else decides to change the course of events. thank you again....Smiles and hugs
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I am so sorry to hear about your grandson. It seems we are at life's insane plan for us whether we like it or not...I actually don't believe in fate but do think there are some things we can never understand.
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At first I couldn't write because I was so overwhelmed with the tragedies I faced in the last two years....the love of my life in a coma for 3 months, my mother with breast cancer, my daughter suddenly dying, dealing with her children and my own grief, and then my grandson being shot randomly....etc etc...Mike's been in and out of the hospital almost every month.. I need an outlet for my emotions or I am sure I will fall off the edge...thus my return to terrorizing fanstory lol.
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My goodness, definitely terrorize away. You have had to deal with so much more than any one person should ever have to deal with. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Comment from Brett Matthew West
Have read most of these contest entries and find this one of the better ones. Action flows smoothly. Easy to understand story line. Well done. Write on.
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2015
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Have read most of these contest entries and find this one of the better ones. Action flows smoothly. Easy to understand story line. Well done. Write on.
Comment Written 27-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2015
Thank you for your kind consideration. Been in hiatus for a while and this is my first attempt at getting back into the swing of writing again. I appreciate your kind words.
Comment from petalangela
This is a brilliant piece of work nothing less than six stars is deserved. Riveting to the end heartbreaking too.
You can follow all the rules and yet fate will always have it's way
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2015
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This is a brilliant piece of work nothing less than six stars is deserved. Riveting to the end heartbreaking too.
You can follow all the rules and yet fate will always have it's way
Comment Written 27-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2015
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Thanks for starting my day off with a smile and the stars! Due to several family tragedies in the past years, I haven't had the time or desire to follow my passion of writing. this was my first attempt yesterday and you have lifted my spirits more than you will ever know. One never knows what lies around the corner regardless if you do what is expected or not...Thanks again!
Have a great day!
Comment from Eric1
Wow BA, what a really excellent story for this particular competition!, Your characterisation is brilliant and the realistic dialogue makes the whole thing seem so real.
The echo of Jays Mums words throughout add a special meaning to the story.
And that ending! Reminiscent of the scene in 'Ghost' where Swayze doesn't realise he's dead, it was inspirational my friend and you truly deserve to win this contest, Good luck!
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2015
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Wow BA, what a really excellent story for this particular competition!, Your characterisation is brilliant and the realistic dialogue makes the whole thing seem so real.
The echo of Jays Mums words throughout add a special meaning to the story.
And that ending! Reminiscent of the scene in 'Ghost' where Swayze doesn't realise he's dead, it was inspirational my friend and you truly deserve to win this contest, Good luck!
Comment Written 27-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2015
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Thank you for your kind words and for taking the time to read my story. I've been away from fanstory for a while so this is my first posting and I am pleased with your reception. Thank you so much! Have a great day!
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Well welcome back dear friend, I have a feeling that when you get back into your stride you will be a force to be reckoned with on here!
Comment from c_lucas
It's best to leave when things are beginning to get out of control. A bullet has no sense of value. One dead body, or another will do. This is very well written with very good imagery.
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2015
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It's best to leave when things are beginning to get out of control. A bullet has no sense of value. One dead body, or another will do. This is very well written with very good imagery.
Comment Written 27-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2015
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One never knows what the future holds regardless if you follow the rules or not...Thank you for your kind words and taking the time to read my story. Have a great day!
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You're welcome, BA. Charlie
