Inside My Head
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "The Artiste"I am what I am,my thoughts, my words,my poems
4 total reviews
Comment from rama devi
Hi Bill. Warm welcome to Fanstory. I like the energy and enthusiasm in your write--and the theme is inspired. I think the delivery could use some work. It reads more like prose than poetry, though I applaud the alliteration and consonance of S sounds as well as the slant rhyme of begins and within. It feels like a simile or strong image would enhance this a lot. Also, sculpting the phrases by using either punctuation or line breaks would enhance the delivery.
The main issue, as I read this aloud, is the overuse of filler words and starting lines with AND, THE THIS THEN...and the pronoun HER is repeated quite a few times. Nothing wrong with using them, but I can't help wondering if trimming some out might enhance the way this sounds read aloud.
I hope you do not mind if I take the liberty to give a sample edit using the above advice (not the simile, but the sculpting of phrases) just to illustrate what I mean:
The artiste writes her score
themes her song
divulges secrets from within.
She sculptures art to bring it life;
This is where it all begins...
Again, warm welcome to FS. Nice to meet you. I like the passion for art evident in these lines.
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2015
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Hi Bill. Warm welcome to Fanstory. I like the energy and enthusiasm in your write--and the theme is inspired. I think the delivery could use some work. It reads more like prose than poetry, though I applaud the alliteration and consonance of S sounds as well as the slant rhyme of begins and within. It feels like a simile or strong image would enhance this a lot. Also, sculpting the phrases by using either punctuation or line breaks would enhance the delivery.
The main issue, as I read this aloud, is the overuse of filler words and starting lines with AND, THE THIS THEN...and the pronoun HER is repeated quite a few times. Nothing wrong with using them, but I can't help wondering if trimming some out might enhance the way this sounds read aloud.
I hope you do not mind if I take the liberty to give a sample edit using the above advice (not the simile, but the sculpting of phrases) just to illustrate what I mean:
The artiste writes her score
themes her song
divulges secrets from within.
She sculptures art to bring it life;
This is where it all begins...
Again, warm welcome to FS. Nice to meet you. I like the passion for art evident in these lines.
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 09-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2015
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i like yours better, but i guess i cant re-enter it into the competition
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Thanks. There are always more contests to enter here...lots of prompts for our muses.
:-))
Comment from humpwhistle
Describing or defining the creative process is fraught
with pitfalls. I wonder if you're purposely mixing metaphors--switching from music to sculpting.
I suspect I don't quite get what you're going for.
Peace, Lee
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2015
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Describing or defining the creative process is fraught
with pitfalls. I wonder if you're purposely mixing metaphors--switching from music to sculpting.
I suspect I don't quite get what you're going for.
Peace, Lee
Comment Written 09-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2015
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just wrote something from the hip really ,don't have much idea if i'm doing it right or not,appreciate your comments tho,gives me something to think about
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
An interesting little piece you have crafted here. The imagery is good and defining the process is always difficult, I think. Not so keen on the use of 'sculptures'. Sculpts may be better, not sure.
A well written piece nevertheless.
GMG
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2015
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Hi there,
An interesting little piece you have crafted here. The imagery is good and defining the process is always difficult, I think. Not so keen on the use of 'sculptures'. Sculpts may be better, not sure.
A well written piece nevertheless.
GMG
Comment Written 09-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2015
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Hi, can you explain to me as a novice what sculptures and sculps are please, its all new to me.I just write what comes into my head, thnx for your comments
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An artists sculpts their work, the end result is a sculpture.
I do the same but then proof read afterwards to make sure that tenses, and the correct terminology is used. I also have a dictionary handy to check usage, especially when reviewing.
GMG
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thanks for that info
Comment from CR Delport
An interesting way of looking at it. It is amazing how every artist can imagine what they want to achieve in their mind and then create it. Good luck in the contest.
Take care.
Christelle.
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2015
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An interesting way of looking at it. It is amazing how every artist can imagine what they want to achieve in their mind and then create it. Good luck in the contest.
Take care.
Christelle.
Comment Written 09-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2015
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thnx for your review,it;s as you say.I love it when my poems are interpreted as i write them,cheers
