Lupo Dexus (Duelists Book 1)
Viewing comments for Chapter 15 "A Lion Born"a disparate group of exiles is drawn together
4 total reviews
Comment from royowen
It seems that Arran Cartwright has been vested as a duelist, which sounds a little like an assassin, a complex set of characters that speak of similar things in our realm, I love the different sets of subjects in your story, the interesting moon fathers who wield great authority and most are in awe of, the fascinating duellists who have a unique weapon, almost welded and suited to their nature, fascinating story, well written and succinctly scribed, well done, blessings, Roy.
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2015
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It seems that Arran Cartwright has been vested as a duelist, which sounds a little like an assassin, a complex set of characters that speak of similar things in our realm, I love the different sets of subjects in your story, the interesting moon fathers who wield great authority and most are in awe of, the fascinating duellists who have a unique weapon, almost welded and suited to their nature, fascinating story, well written and succinctly scribed, well done, blessings, Roy.
Comment Written 06-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2015
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Thanks so much, Roy :-). You've picked apart the chapter well and that give me confidence it comes across how I wanted it to. I'm so glad you liked it :-).
Mike
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It was my pleasure,
Comment from amahra
I don't I have read you before, it so, I think it may been a while. Nonetheless, I really like your imagination in this story. I write fantasy too, so I can appreciate a good fiction writer such as yourself.
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2015
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I don't I have read you before, it so, I think it may been a while. Nonetheless, I really like your imagination in this story. I write fantasy too, so I can appreciate a good fiction writer such as yourself.
Comment Written 06-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2015
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Thank you, amahra. It's good to get positive feedback from a fellow fantasist. I'm so glad you liked it!
Mike
Comment from Sasha
I enjoyed this immensely. Your imagination knows no limit. As usual, your descriptions are superb providing awesome imagery. And, again, as always, you made me feel as though I were there in the story.
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2015
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I enjoyed this immensely. Your imagination knows no limit. As usual, your descriptions are superb providing awesome imagery. And, again, as always, you made me feel as though I were there in the story.
Comment Written 06-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2015
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Thank you, my dear :-). It's time to leave Arran for a while now and find out what happens to Barlon and his friends. So happy you're enjoying it :-).
Mike
Comment from rama devi
Nice to see you posting again, my friend. Im not very active here...just having a one week 'free trial' and then back to being standard again. So, sadly, I cannot start from the beginning nor continue with each chapter, but I thought to visit you on this one.
The chapter drew me in. Your character is so deeply fleshed out through your superb depth of POV. Outstanding characterization and descriptive detail in the narrative really brings the scenes to life. I love how your 'pen' zooms in a focus on the internal landscape of his experience in tandem with the external descriptions. Great job! The dialog also enhances characterization. There were some spag nits, but as this is otherwise close to a six, five stars anyway!
NOTES:
Unique opening line...I like it:
Thud, thunk. Giggle.
*
Preacher sighed as he sat in his 'office' cave, attempting(,) with little success(,) to concentrate his thoughts.
* Right now, he was regretting that decision.
why the WAS? I suggest:
Right now, he regretted that decision.
*
Why? Because she beat him too -- beat him with her walk, her body, her talk, her sounds... She found his weak point and exploited it mercilessly.
I think a period would work better than ellipses. But, if you keep the ellipses, I think SHE needs a lower case on S, no?
* Just who was Zita, to exude such an aura?
Not sure you need that comma...
*Then, seeing Blood unsure whether to say any more, he continued.(,) "It would probably be a good idea if you departed on your journey.
*
The deadly lady of mystery(,) who victimised a certain Duelist and waited, often for months, before moving in for the kill, was almost a myth.
*His own considerable skills could never have matched the smooth lines and perfect dove-tails of the desk(,) which only a nobleman should be able to afford.
either add comma or change which to THAT.
* shining all the more brightly for the apparently sourceless gloom around it.
"apparently" seems superfluous here. Suggest trimming.
Superb description of his psychedelic trip, especially the second paragraph, with the disjointed run on sentences mimicking the stream of consciousness of trip-land. Well done:
Blazing colours in a spectrum of chaos, spinning and flashing, thumping, pounding, hounding his mind to the maximum boundaries of its perception. Racing in a tube of light with no source, lurching him back through a multi-coloured visage of pain to the brain in a tunnel without sides. Slowing down as the colours turned to few then to blue then to black then a sluggish halting of his splintered awareness running into one again.
He floated. No vision, just thought. No hearing, just imagination. BANG! An amazing explosion of knowledge of a picture. No -- many pictures, all overlaid, jumbled, moving together without pause. No, being sorted -- eliminated or stored, filtered until there were but a few remaining. Each was moving, an animated image -- no, not an image for his eyes weren't working. Each was a segment of knowledge, a memory -- he was watching pieces of his life. No -- he was experiencing pieces of his life -- all the most poignant, all the most vivid, played out in exaggerated form for a theatre audience on its premiere. Then, as the images coalesced, dwindling, towards something like agreement, there was resolution. Mind twirling in a maelstrom of wonder, he was sucked into one of the memories. Finding himself free of emotion, he observed, fascinated.
ONLY someone who has experienced psychedelics can write like that, methinks! *wink*
And it's a superb device for delivering back story flash backs! Bravo. Also, extra points for continuing the deep POV of the present while he witnesses the scene from his past.
*admitting six armoured men(,) who marched in perfect order toward the father.
*I will sedate you for the second stage of the process, but for now you may take a brief rest."
I'm not sure, but I think this is more accurate punctuation:
I will sedate you for the second stage of the process but, for now, you may take a brief rest."
* Glancing at the mirror, he could see a five-pointed red star,
Why COULD? Maybe try:
Glancing at the mirror, he saw a five-pointed red star,
*An image of Don, kneeling in a lake of unfairly spilled blood, spiked into his mind(,) and he felt a humourless smiled(SMILE--no d) twist his face.
Sad how true this is even in our world:
Being the only source of news, the circular was simply believed by everyone. From their point of view, what it printed was the truth.
* One of his two guards spoke for the first time.
Suggest moving this line down to the next paragraph, as it is sort of a speech tag, no?
One of his two guards spoke for the first time, "You may take one weapon, or one pair of weapons, nothing more." (NEW PARAGRAPH HERE) There was an impressive array of tools -- some beautiful, some decorated, others merely effective -- all instruments of death.
Sounds like a compelling plot. Hope to visit again sometime...
Warmly,
rd
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2015
|
Nice to see you posting again, my friend. Im not very active here...just having a one week 'free trial' and then back to being standard again. So, sadly, I cannot start from the beginning nor continue with each chapter, but I thought to visit you on this one.
The chapter drew me in. Your character is so deeply fleshed out through your superb depth of POV. Outstanding characterization and descriptive detail in the narrative really brings the scenes to life. I love how your 'pen' zooms in a focus on the internal landscape of his experience in tandem with the external descriptions. Great job! The dialog also enhances characterization. There were some spag nits, but as this is otherwise close to a six, five stars anyway!
NOTES:
Unique opening line...I like it:
Thud, thunk. Giggle.
*
Preacher sighed as he sat in his 'office' cave, attempting(,) with little success(,) to concentrate his thoughts.
* Right now, he was regretting that decision.
why the WAS? I suggest:
Right now, he regretted that decision.
*
Why? Because she beat him too -- beat him with her walk, her body, her talk, her sounds... She found his weak point and exploited it mercilessly.
I think a period would work better than ellipses. But, if you keep the ellipses, I think SHE needs a lower case on S, no?
* Just who was Zita, to exude such an aura?
Not sure you need that comma...
*Then, seeing Blood unsure whether to say any more, he continued.(,) "It would probably be a good idea if you departed on your journey.
*
The deadly lady of mystery(,) who victimised a certain Duelist and waited, often for months, before moving in for the kill, was almost a myth.
*His own considerable skills could never have matched the smooth lines and perfect dove-tails of the desk(,) which only a nobleman should be able to afford.
either add comma or change which to THAT.
* shining all the more brightly for the apparently sourceless gloom around it.
"apparently" seems superfluous here. Suggest trimming.
Superb description of his psychedelic trip, especially the second paragraph, with the disjointed run on sentences mimicking the stream of consciousness of trip-land. Well done:
Blazing colours in a spectrum of chaos, spinning and flashing, thumping, pounding, hounding his mind to the maximum boundaries of its perception. Racing in a tube of light with no source, lurching him back through a multi-coloured visage of pain to the brain in a tunnel without sides. Slowing down as the colours turned to few then to blue then to black then a sluggish halting of his splintered awareness running into one again.
He floated. No vision, just thought. No hearing, just imagination. BANG! An amazing explosion of knowledge of a picture. No -- many pictures, all overlaid, jumbled, moving together without pause. No, being sorted -- eliminated or stored, filtered until there were but a few remaining. Each was moving, an animated image -- no, not an image for his eyes weren't working. Each was a segment of knowledge, a memory -- he was watching pieces of his life. No -- he was experiencing pieces of his life -- all the most poignant, all the most vivid, played out in exaggerated form for a theatre audience on its premiere. Then, as the images coalesced, dwindling, towards something like agreement, there was resolution. Mind twirling in a maelstrom of wonder, he was sucked into one of the memories. Finding himself free of emotion, he observed, fascinated.
ONLY someone who has experienced psychedelics can write like that, methinks! *wink*
And it's a superb device for delivering back story flash backs! Bravo. Also, extra points for continuing the deep POV of the present while he witnesses the scene from his past.
*admitting six armoured men(,) who marched in perfect order toward the father.
*I will sedate you for the second stage of the process, but for now you may take a brief rest."
I'm not sure, but I think this is more accurate punctuation:
I will sedate you for the second stage of the process but, for now, you may take a brief rest."
* Glancing at the mirror, he could see a five-pointed red star,
Why COULD? Maybe try:
Glancing at the mirror, he saw a five-pointed red star,
*An image of Don, kneeling in a lake of unfairly spilled blood, spiked into his mind(,) and he felt a humourless smiled(SMILE--no d) twist his face.
Sad how true this is even in our world:
Being the only source of news, the circular was simply believed by everyone. From their point of view, what it printed was the truth.
* One of his two guards spoke for the first time.
Suggest moving this line down to the next paragraph, as it is sort of a speech tag, no?
One of his two guards spoke for the first time, "You may take one weapon, or one pair of weapons, nothing more." (NEW PARAGRAPH HERE) There was an impressive array of tools -- some beautiful, some decorated, others merely effective -- all instruments of death.
Sounds like a compelling plot. Hope to visit again sometime...
Warmly,
rd
Comment Written 06-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2015
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Thanks so much for the awesome notes, RD :-). This is a challenging one for me because I drafted it between 1992 and 2002 (which means I was 16 when I started it - scary!). What I'm doing now is half way between rewriting and a monster edit. I'm torn between horror at how many punctuation mistakes, PoV jumps and split infinitives I used, and delight at some of my inexperienced turns of phrase. It's good to remind myself how experimental my earlier writing was, and keep hold of the bits that work.
I'm so glad you got to this - having that second eye to dig out the errors is incredibly valuable.
As for the psychedelics, happy to say I've never tried any - possibly because my mind goes on such nutty trips without help, I've never felt the need. I did once sit close to a friend smoking a joint, and all it did was make me violent. So I stick to beer and my bonkers imagination!
I hope things are going well for you :-).
Mike
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Ah yes, you have an intensely imaginative mind, my friend. I so not recommend trying any drug induced trips. Rewriting old work can be fun, as you get to see how much you've grown as a writer and you also get to make these old babies shine! ;)
Glad you found my review helpful. Thanks for your gracious response, as ever.
Warmly, rd
