Stand Strong
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "You Light Up the Night"Social pressures threaten a childhood friendship
46 total reviews
Comment from boxergirl
Good job, Bev, with the continuation of your story line. The opening scene was strong and surprized me that she was dreaming. Her reaction to the dream was realistic for a hormonal teenage girl.
Nice job also of using the church scene to show us more about their family values.
Arent we glad "Jethus knowths everything"? 8-)
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2015
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Good job, Bev, with the continuation of your story line. The opening scene was strong and surprized me that she was dreaming. Her reaction to the dream was realistic for a hormonal teenage girl.
Nice job also of using the church scene to show us more about their family values.
Arent we glad "Jethus knowths everything"? 8-)
Comment Written 30-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2015
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Hi, BG. Thanks for your insights and support for my chapter. I know dream sequences are currently frowned on by critics, but I wanted to set up the fact that Mara's dreams are a spiritual gift she doesn't yet recognize. At least, that the plan for now LoL. Happy Easter!
:) Bev
Comment from CR Delport
Ah, it is nice to be back :) I have a ton of things I need to get caught up on. This is very well written. You nailed the baby talk very well :) Good job.
Have a great day.
Christelle.
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2015
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Ah, it is nice to be back :) I have a ton of things I need to get caught up on. This is very well written. You nailed the baby talk very well :) Good job.
Have a great day.
Christelle.
Comment Written 30-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2015
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Thanks so much, CR. Glad you're back, too! :) Bev
Comment from IndianaIrish
I enjoyed your chapter, Bev. Learned more about Mara. I would like to suggest you go over the last section and maybe weed out some of the names in the dialogue between Mara and Mazie. I seemed like each dialogue contained their names as they talked back and forth, and most people never address people with their names so much. If using the name for speech tag purposes, I think those aren't needed either. It was easy to follow who the speaker was, especially with Mazie's lisp. Just a,couple of things to consider...
heart(-)shaped face
I love (wuv--since that's how she pronounced it before) (M)momma, (D)daddy
But what about baby, (delete comma here. The name isn't an address) Violet?
Mara caught her mother's eye from across the room(Since you mentioned Mazie's Mom was in the room, maybe make this clearer it was Mara's Mom?)
Smiles,
Karyn :-)
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2015
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I enjoyed your chapter, Bev. Learned more about Mara. I would like to suggest you go over the last section and maybe weed out some of the names in the dialogue between Mara and Mazie. I seemed like each dialogue contained their names as they talked back and forth, and most people never address people with their names so much. If using the name for speech tag purposes, I think those aren't needed either. It was easy to follow who the speaker was, especially with Mazie's lisp. Just a,couple of things to consider...
heart(-)shaped face
I love (wuv--since that's how she pronounced it before) (M)momma, (D)daddy
But what about baby, (delete comma here. The name isn't an address) Violet?
Mara caught her mother's eye from across the room(Since you mentioned Mazie's Mom was in the room, maybe make this clearer it was Mara's Mom?)
Smiles,
Karyn :-)
Comment Written 29-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2015
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Thanks so much for the suggestions and insights, Karyn. Happy Easter! :) Bev
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Bev. Wow! This tale has room for a lot of direction and interlude. I like the way you are handling it. I am a bit confused, but my own fault...where it says Part One...I took it to mean Chapter One. What is the difference? I am duh? LOL
I love your images as usual. You are good at these:
"His skin, where it touched hers, created a delicious sensation--something so new she struggled to find a way to express what she was feeling. A loud bang made her jump in her chair, wiping away the words she'd formed in her mind."
And: ""Mawa, mawa," four-year-old, Mazie squealed on seeing her idol come through the door. She ran across the room full-tilt, bumping into Violet, her sister and knocking the toddler onto her butt. Immediately, Violet let out a scream causing her mother to rush to her side, but Mazie only had eyes for Mara.
Brilliant writing, Bev. Keep it coming. Bob PS. How is the other book doing with the editing?
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2015
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Hi, Bev. Wow! This tale has room for a lot of direction and interlude. I like the way you are handling it. I am a bit confused, but my own fault...where it says Part One...I took it to mean Chapter One. What is the difference? I am duh? LOL
I love your images as usual. You are good at these:
"His skin, where it touched hers, created a delicious sensation--something so new she struggled to find a way to express what she was feeling. A loud bang made her jump in her chair, wiping away the words she'd formed in her mind."
And: ""Mawa, mawa," four-year-old, Mazie squealed on seeing her idol come through the door. She ran across the room full-tilt, bumping into Violet, her sister and knocking the toddler onto her butt. Immediately, Violet let out a scream causing her mother to rush to her side, but Mazie only had eyes for Mara.
Brilliant writing, Bev. Keep it coming. Bob PS. How is the other book doing with the editing?
Comment Written 29-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2015
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Hi, Bob. You make a good point about that part one business. I plan to stay at the church but switch gears for a confrontation with Jujee, so I was thinking this would link them in the reader's mind. Not sure it's necessary, though, so thanks for mentioning it.
I'm so glad you liked the chapter! Your encouraging words and generosity mean a lot coming from a writer I admire.
I'm working on that novel while still continuing with this one, which I'm also having edited on an ongoing basis. I like to do my best first, then let the 'experts' help me out. It's amazing how much a good editor can offer in the way of insights I might not have considered. Anyway, thanks for asking, Bob.
XX Bev
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X0X Bob
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hi, Bev...
I thought it was real too, instead of a dream, so no wonder Mara did as well when it came to Gabe.
Love the bit with Mazie and Jethus. I could see her missing teeth when she said it! What a cutie.
Great chapter.
...Did you leave out (so long) ??
- "What's taking you, Mara?
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'.... Jax (*:*)
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2015
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Hi, Bev...
I thought it was real too, instead of a dream, so no wonder Mara did as well when it came to Gabe.
Love the bit with Mazie and Jethus. I could see her missing teeth when she said it! What a cutie.
Great chapter.
...Did you leave out (so long) ??
- "What's taking you, Mara?
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'.... Jax (*:*)
Comment Written 29-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2015
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Hi, Jax. Thank you much for your grand review. And I appreciate your suggestion for that section--I think you're right on that.
Happy Easter, my friend.
:) Bev
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You're welcome. (*<*)
Comment from Cat of Letters
Hi,
Nice to see you pressing on with your novel.
This works well to fill in some of the necessary background info. That does make it a little slow paced. But I can see it's needed and you have worked skillfully to keep interest in the information about the Mt Zion. The scene with Mazie is very good and natural. The small scene in the pancake house is likewise.
I saw no actual spags or typos. Just a couple of suggestions.
Kris says . . .ess than twenty minutes to get across town as it is. (as it is - not really needed.)
Adult service I feel the adult should be a small A for this.
Scott says the music is 'over the top'
In British/Canadian usage this would mean 'too much'. It would not be an altogether flattering thing to say. Unless that means something very different in America I think you might want to find another expression to use.
You could just say 'the caliber of the music is exceptional'
I enjoyed it as usual, and look forward to your next chapter.
Best wishes, Alison
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2015
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Hi,
Nice to see you pressing on with your novel.
This works well to fill in some of the necessary background info. That does make it a little slow paced. But I can see it's needed and you have worked skillfully to keep interest in the information about the Mt Zion. The scene with Mazie is very good and natural. The small scene in the pancake house is likewise.
I saw no actual spags or typos. Just a couple of suggestions.
Kris says . . .ess than twenty minutes to get across town as it is. (as it is - not really needed.)
Adult service I feel the adult should be a small A for this.
Scott says the music is 'over the top'
In British/Canadian usage this would mean 'too much'. It would not be an altogether flattering thing to say. Unless that means something very different in America I think you might want to find another expression to use.
You could just say 'the caliber of the music is exceptional'
I enjoyed it as usual, and look forward to your next chapter.
Best wishes, Alison
Comment Written 29-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2015
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Hi, Alison. Thanks for your suggestions and encouragement. I think you've made some good points. Yes, that euphemism can mean too much or outrageous(good). These days, it all gets blurred. Exceptional sounds a bit stiff--which I've been accused of doing in this novel, but works well.
I appreciate you sticking by me with this novel.
:) Bev
Comment from MelB
Holding out her hand for Mara to see, she counted off three fingers. "I love momma, daddy, and Jethus. That's three, right Mara? - Wondered if you wanted Mawa instead of Mara to keep it consistent?
It was a nice dream she had. Who knows, maybe it will come true. I could relate to Mara working in the nursery, as I worked in there for years. We also did the numbers on the clothing. A nice chapter that kept my attention throughout.
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2015
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Holding out her hand for Mara to see, she counted off three fingers. "I love momma, daddy, and Jethus. That's three, right Mara? - Wondered if you wanted Mawa instead of Mara to keep it consistent?
It was a nice dream she had. Who knows, maybe it will come true. I could relate to Mara working in the nursery, as I worked in there for years. We also did the numbers on the clothing. A nice chapter that kept my attention throughout.
Comment Written 29-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2015
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Hi, Melissa. Thanks so much for your very kind review and for catching that typo! Happy Easter, my friend. :) Bev
Comment from Jay Squires
A wonderful addition to a really wholesome, delightful book.
delicious sensation - something so new [Always use two dashes, never one, to separate one clause from another. There should be no space before or after.]
I don't feel like putting on any make-up today. Whose gonna care anyway? [Mara, when you're part of a fictional plot, take the time to do it. You will be the one to care ...]
"We start with the least among us, inspiring them to be the change this world needs." [I know what she meant, but I'd think she would want to use a less value-laden adjective than "least" to describe the todler ... perhaps least experienced, or younger.]
For three months of consecutive Sundays, she'd end up [This might just be me, but you might consider inserting "Kris" instead of "she'd" since you were referring to Mara in the sentence before. No biggy. Just a thought.]
"Yes He is, Munchkin. ["Yes He DOES" (?)]
Great job, Bev
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2015
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A wonderful addition to a really wholesome, delightful book.
delicious sensation - something so new [Always use two dashes, never one, to separate one clause from another. There should be no space before or after.]
I don't feel like putting on any make-up today. Whose gonna care anyway? [Mara, when you're part of a fictional plot, take the time to do it. You will be the one to care ...]
"We start with the least among us, inspiring them to be the change this world needs." [I know what she meant, but I'd think she would want to use a less value-laden adjective than "least" to describe the todler ... perhaps least experienced, or younger.]
For three months of consecutive Sundays, she'd end up [This might just be me, but you might consider inserting "Kris" instead of "she'd" since you were referring to Mara in the sentence before. No biggy. Just a thought.]
"Yes He is, Munchkin. ["Yes He DOES" (?)]
Great job, Bev
Comment Written 29-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2015
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Thanks much for the suggestions and insights, Jay. Happy Easter! :) Bev
Comment from misscookie
This is a great chapter. You had my attention from the from line to the last.
This is a story for all ages to read.
For there was a good message no one should forget.
Thank you for sharing,
Have a blessed Sunday.
Cookie
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2015
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This is a great chapter. You had my attention from the from line to the last.
This is a story for all ages to read.
For there was a good message no one should forget.
Thank you for sharing,
Have a blessed Sunday.
Cookie
Comment Written 29-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2015
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Thanks so much, Cookie. I appreciate your very encouraging review! Blessings, Bev
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you're very welcome, take care .
Cookie
Comment from Joan E.
It was a relief that Gabe selected a photograph that Mara also favored--only to discover that she was dreaming! Mazie's four-year-old chatter is irresistible, as is her "unspoken trust". Cheers- Joan
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2015
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It was a relief that Gabe selected a photograph that Mara also favored--only to discover that she was dreaming! Mazie's four-year-old chatter is irresistible, as is her "unspoken trust". Cheers- Joan
Comment Written 29-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2015
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Joan, thank you so much for this very gracious review. I really appreciate you taking time to read my chapter, and am glad you liked little Mazie. Happy Easter! :) Bev
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She is quite the "munchkin"! Enjoy the Easter season as well- Joan
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I will, Joan. Thank you!
