Dark Covenant
Viewing comments for Chapter 16 "Blood Moon/Part 2"The Berwick Witches Series: Book One
22 total reviews
Comment from jaeladarling
Lots of action and suspense in this chapter. Great way to keep the reader wanting more. Scary stuff going on here. Looking forward to the next chapter!
A few suggestions:
"She passed the cup to Beatrice who placed it" (Comma after "Beatrice")
"Three women, Kelly, Rosa and Delveen who had faith in Jewel's spell returned" (Comma after "Delveen" and "spell")
"the men thrashed about--pulling against" (The dash should be a comma)
"snarled two inch fangs" ("two-inch")
"at them--their irises" (The dash should be a comma)
"the near deafening howls." ("near-deafening" or "nearly deafening")
"Within a few minutes into their praying," ("Within" is unnecessary")
"shook the door--causing the" (The dash should be a comma)
"She yelled to Rosa." (Lowercase "she")
"I think its dead." ("it's")
"Not being able to get to the women, enraged them and" (Move the comma to after "them")
"fallen brothers, and then slowly" (No comma)
"The wolves lifted the van over their heads--tilting it then shook it violently" ("The wolves lifted the van over their heads, tilting it then shaking it violently" OR "The wolves lifted the van over their heads. They tilted it then shook it violently")
"stabbed at them, but was" (No comma)
"another slashed her arm causing her" (Comma after "arm")
"She looked over at Rosa who was" (Comma after "Rosa")
reply by the author on 04-May-2015
  |
Lots of action and suspense in this chapter. Great way to keep the reader wanting more. Scary stuff going on here. Looking forward to the next chapter!
A few suggestions:
"She passed the cup to Beatrice who placed it" (Comma after "Beatrice")
"Three women, Kelly, Rosa and Delveen who had faith in Jewel's spell returned" (Comma after "Delveen" and "spell")
"the men thrashed about--pulling against" (The dash should be a comma)
"snarled two inch fangs" ("two-inch")
"at them--their irises" (The dash should be a comma)
"the near deafening howls." ("near-deafening" or "nearly deafening")
"Within a few minutes into their praying," ("Within" is unnecessary")
"shook the door--causing the" (The dash should be a comma)
"She yelled to Rosa." (Lowercase "she")
"I think its dead." ("it's")
"Not being able to get to the women, enraged them and" (Move the comma to after "them")
"fallen brothers, and then slowly" (No comma)
"The wolves lifted the van over their heads--tilting it then shook it violently" ("The wolves lifted the van over their heads, tilting it then shaking it violently" OR "The wolves lifted the van over their heads. They tilted it then shook it violently")
"stabbed at them, but was" (No comma)
"another slashed her arm causing her" (Comma after "arm")
"She looked over at Rosa who was" (Comma after "Rosa")
Comment Written 04-May-2015
reply by the author on 04-May-2015
-
Thank you very much for your help. I really appreciate it.
Comment from michaelcahill
Still catching up. Wow. This was an intense chapter filled with non-stop tension. Once again, I'm never lost or confused. Everything unfolds with perfect clarity. This lets the reader focus on the story and nothing else. I wish authors would realize how important it is to be meticulous and eliminate all distractions like poor punctuation, difficult to understand sentences. This is how to do it, a lesson for me as well. mikey
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2015
|
Still catching up. Wow. This was an intense chapter filled with non-stop tension. Once again, I'm never lost or confused. Everything unfolds with perfect clarity. This lets the reader focus on the story and nothing else. I wish authors would realize how important it is to be meticulous and eliminate all distractions like poor punctuation, difficult to understand sentences. This is how to do it, a lesson for me as well. mikey
Comment Written 27-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2015
-
Thank you for going back. I really appreciate it.
Comment from cbat
A mesmerizing story.
I hope to continue reading as you write.
Your story touches subjects that I find fascinating.
Keep writing!
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2015
|
A mesmerizing story.
I hope to continue reading as you write.
Your story touches subjects that I find fascinating.
Keep writing!
Comment Written 17-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2015
-
Thank you, cbat.
Comment from Shirley McLain
First chapter I've read of your book and it definitely is something I want to continue reading. I did not find any obvious spag. You did an excellent job writing the suspense and action. It certainly kept me reading on and wanting more. Great job.
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2015
|
First chapter I've read of your book and it definitely is something I want to continue reading. I did not find any obvious spag. You did an excellent job writing the suspense and action. It certainly kept me reading on and wanting more. Great job.
Comment Written 15-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2015
-
Thank you very much, Okiegl1930.
Comment from Brett Matthew West
Picture adds depth to this well written piece. Held interest throughout. Descriptive language used. Well done. Write on.
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2015
|
Picture adds depth to this well written piece. Held interest throughout. Descriptive language used. Well done. Write on.
Comment Written 15-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2015
-
Thank you.
Comment from justafan
Break: brake, is the only critique I can give in the negative. All else is splendid. Loved it!!! Thank you for the great read.
Always
Melissa
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2015
|
Break: brake, is the only critique I can give in the negative. All else is splendid. Loved it!!! Thank you for the great read.
Always
Melissa
Comment Written 15-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2015
-
Wow, I'm surprised no one caught that, including me. LOL Thank you so much, justafan.
-
Wink!!
-
Wink!!
Comment from emrpoems
Another well written chapter well developed so that the reader can enjoy the story at a good pace.
good natural dialogue
Descriptive language created vivid imagery
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2015
|
Another well written chapter well developed so that the reader can enjoy the story at a good pace.
good natural dialogue
Descriptive language created vivid imagery
Comment Written 14-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2015
-
Than you very much.
Comment from Patrick G Cox
Hi amahra
Well, that was a dramatic chapter! It seems the spell finally took affect just in time for the women, but one can only feel sorry for the child, his soul swallowed by a demon, his body possessed, and presumably now discarded.
Good chapter, and a good hook on the end.
Patrick
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2015
|
Hi amahra
Well, that was a dramatic chapter! It seems the spell finally took affect just in time for the women, but one can only feel sorry for the child, his soul swallowed by a demon, his body possessed, and presumably now discarded.
Good chapter, and a good hook on the end.
Patrick
Comment Written 14-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2015
-
No, I would never kill a child in my story. You may have missed a few chapters. Than you for reading and reviewing.
Comment from RGstar
Amhara, I thought I would look in on you, just to get a feel of direction.
I am going to give this a six star for you have the imagination for compelling writing. The action sequences are fast and non relenting. You handled them well. A couple of things I noticed, was the usage of semi colons. I am a fan of them as they keep the speed of the write, yet be careful that the times you use them, they are really needed. The sentences must run on naturally with a distinct connection with what was said before. There is a little paragraph where I might of written differently with their usage. Pronoun & determiner could of been used to better effect. If in doubt, use the full stop and start the new sentence, as long as it is not too abrupt or the paragraph made up of too many small sentences.
There was a little editing to do here, Ahara , but my visit was to get the feel of your writing, and you have a good understanding of pace which helps the imagery emotion of the write. This is in the same Genre as Bev's Devil Dog novel, which I couldn't get enough of, so you really have hit a good topic for my liking.
One thing I would say...try to use the periphery a bit more..Mastery uses it very well in his writes. Example; Things that the eye would pick up, watching a film, without it being pointed out. Small things which surround your main thread, but not detracting from it.
Example; The color of blood against the grey interior of the automobile...the way the moon reflects through trees... silhouettes, shadows against posts...contrasts of leaves, so beautiful in the rain, in comparison to the horror taking place...small things at various times to detract in thought for a second yet heightens the senses as if watching that movie.
I love the theme, and you have done very well in keeping a good balance, nothing over the top...and for the most part, an unrelenting narrative for this chapter, keeping the reader interested and on toes.
Bravo.
I will inbox you tomorrow.
The genre of this story interests me very much, so it was a pleasure to read this chapter.
Well done, my friend.
Best wishes,
RGstar
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2015
 |
Amhara, I thought I would look in on you, just to get a feel of direction.
I am going to give this a six star for you have the imagination for compelling writing. The action sequences are fast and non relenting. You handled them well. A couple of things I noticed, was the usage of semi colons. I am a fan of them as they keep the speed of the write, yet be careful that the times you use them, they are really needed. The sentences must run on naturally with a distinct connection with what was said before. There is a little paragraph where I might of written differently with their usage. Pronoun & determiner could of been used to better effect. If in doubt, use the full stop and start the new sentence, as long as it is not too abrupt or the paragraph made up of too many small sentences.
There was a little editing to do here, Ahara , but my visit was to get the feel of your writing, and you have a good understanding of pace which helps the imagery emotion of the write. This is in the same Genre as Bev's Devil Dog novel, which I couldn't get enough of, so you really have hit a good topic for my liking.
One thing I would say...try to use the periphery a bit more..Mastery uses it very well in his writes. Example; Things that the eye would pick up, watching a film, without it being pointed out. Small things which surround your main thread, but not detracting from it.
Example; The color of blood against the grey interior of the automobile...the way the moon reflects through trees... silhouettes, shadows against posts...contrasts of leaves, so beautiful in the rain, in comparison to the horror taking place...small things at various times to detract in thought for a second yet heightens the senses as if watching that movie.
I love the theme, and you have done very well in keeping a good balance, nothing over the top...and for the most part, an unrelenting narrative for this chapter, keeping the reader interested and on toes.
Bravo.
I will inbox you tomorrow.
The genre of this story interests me very much, so it was a pleasure to read this chapter.
Well done, my friend.
Best wishes,
RGstar
Comment Written 13-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2015
-
Thank you very much your encouraging review. I will take every suggestion into account.
Comment from Writingfundimension
I think you've crafted an excellent chapter, Amaha. There's a gradual building of horror and plenty of exciting moments. My only suggestion is to consider toning down the description of blood as in some areas it seemed to stretch credibility for me. I do realize this is horror and fantasy, and I appreciate that gore is a big part of the latter.
Your scene transitions were quite good, also, considering how may POV's you've got going. I know that is FAR from easy.
Hope this helps in some way.
Warm regards,
Bev
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2015
|
I think you've crafted an excellent chapter, Amaha. There's a gradual building of horror and plenty of exciting moments. My only suggestion is to consider toning down the description of blood as in some areas it seemed to stretch credibility for me. I do realize this is horror and fantasy, and I appreciate that gore is a big part of the latter.
Your scene transitions were quite good, also, considering how may POV's you've got going. I know that is FAR from easy.
Hope this helps in some way.
Warm regards,
Bev
Comment Written 13-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2015
-
Thank you very much for reviewing and for suggestions.
-
You're welcome!
