Beautiful Death
Viewing comments for Chapter 10000 "Child in the corner"from birth I have longed for death
4 total reviews
Comment from Brett Matthew West
Yes the truth changes according to who tells it in a large family. That is for sure. Action flows smoothly. Easy to follow story line. Write on.
reply by the author on 10-May-2015
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Yes the truth changes according to who tells it in a large family. That is for sure. Action flows smoothly. Easy to follow story line. Write on.
Comment Written 07-May-2015
reply by the author on 10-May-2015
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Thank you!
Comment from Walu Feral
G'day mate. This is another great story from your memory and I applaud you on it. I am really enjoying your stories, but this one told of a sad time in your life. I have a few changes for you to consider..let me know what you think. Cheers Fez
"Mom was there saying "Daddy please don't. (Please) Stop!". (or maybe leave out "don't" and just have "Please stop!"
""Please don't kill him. He didn't(doesn't) know (any) better"
"My fathers roar!" (My father Roared)
"uncle John who was cowering in a corner, fear in his eye's." (eyes)
"I think if dads (be)loved mother"
"Dad often(had problems controlling his anger) couldn't control his anger; especially after the accident (he had when I was five) that happened to him when I was five. "
"Until this time he had seemed to us(to be) just another kid."
"She was the opposite, quiet(,) kind and needing protection from her own siblings."
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2015
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G'day mate. This is another great story from your memory and I applaud you on it. I am really enjoying your stories, but this one told of a sad time in your life. I have a few changes for you to consider..let me know what you think. Cheers Fez
"Mom was there saying "Daddy please don't. (Please) Stop!". (or maybe leave out "don't" and just have "Please stop!"
""Please don't kill him. He didn't(doesn't) know (any) better"
"My fathers roar!" (My father Roared)
"uncle John who was cowering in a corner, fear in his eye's." (eyes)
"I think if dads (be)loved mother"
"Dad often(had problems controlling his anger) couldn't control his anger; especially after the accident (he had when I was five) that happened to him when I was five. "
"Until this time he had seemed to us(to be) just another kid."
"She was the opposite, quiet(,) kind and needing protection from her own siblings."
Comment Written 23-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2015
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Once again, thank you for your interest.
Comment from H. Rebecca
this is a harrowing story in poetic form, but it needs another pass with the editor's pen. please don't stop. vs. please don't! stop!
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2015
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this is a harrowing story in poetic form, but it needs another pass with the editor's pen. please don't stop. vs. please don't! stop!
Comment Written 22-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2015
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Thank you!
Comment from Pyrrho
" ...Mom is there saying "Daddy please don't Stop!". Please put a period after don't. Without it the sentence means the opposite of your intended meaning.
" ... Grandma has always been more important ..." has always been=>was always. Simple declarative punches up your pace and reads better.
I had difficulty reading this post. I felt it bounced back and forth between being told by different narrators and sometimes past sometimes present. Not sure if that is true, but it felt that way.
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2015
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" ...Mom is there saying "Daddy please don't Stop!". Please put a period after don't. Without it the sentence means the opposite of your intended meaning.
" ... Grandma has always been more important ..." has always been=>was always. Simple declarative punches up your pace and reads better.
I had difficulty reading this post. I felt it bounced back and forth between being told by different narrators and sometimes past sometimes present. Not sure if that is true, but it felt that way.
Comment Written 22-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2015
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It is true as far as my memory goes.
I realize I have a lot of work to do on it.
Thank you for your help.
