Beautiful Death
Viewing comments for Chapter 10021 "Faat Factor"from birth I have longed for death
12 total reviews
Comment from alexisleech
I think we've all been at a point in our lives where our weight starts to control our lives and dictate how we live it. I know I certainly have! You write with a clear honesty which draws the reader in. I can't see any obvious spag except the first few lines which need rearranging a little with different spacing ie;
I hear the knock, open the door, and find a stranger standing there.
"Who are you?" This girl asks.
"I'm Jan" I tell her.
The girl looked confused. "I asked your mom what you looked like, and she said you were fat" is her reply.
When my own mom cannot give a description of me to a stranger with something kinder than this; Such as "She has cleared up her acne", or "Her feet are swollen but small", even saying something like what color my hair is. No that would not help!; my hair is mousy brown or as she used to say "dishwater blond" (dirty dishwater). Depression sets in, survival only because this is one of the times I an actually NOT FAT! This too will pass.
I hope this helps, and look forward to reading more of your work!
Alexis x
Ps Should the title be 'Fat Factor' not 'Faat factor?'
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2015
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I think we've all been at a point in our lives where our weight starts to control our lives and dictate how we live it. I know I certainly have! You write with a clear honesty which draws the reader in. I can't see any obvious spag except the first few lines which need rearranging a little with different spacing ie;
I hear the knock, open the door, and find a stranger standing there.
"Who are you?" This girl asks.
"I'm Jan" I tell her.
The girl looked confused. "I asked your mom what you looked like, and she said you were fat" is her reply.
When my own mom cannot give a description of me to a stranger with something kinder than this; Such as "She has cleared up her acne", or "Her feet are swollen but small", even saying something like what color my hair is. No that would not help!; my hair is mousy brown or as she used to say "dishwater blond" (dirty dishwater). Depression sets in, survival only because this is one of the times I an actually NOT FAT! This too will pass.
I hope this helps, and look forward to reading more of your work!
Alexis x
Ps Should the title be 'Fat Factor' not 'Faat factor?'
Comment Written 13-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2015
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Thank you for reviewing this.
I have a odd way of looking at things so I spelled Fat different, purposely.
Comment from Curly Girly
This is quite a good story. There are quite a few punctuation errors to fix. To mention a few:
"I am Jan" I answer.
"I am Jan," I answer. / comma
help!; my hair is mousy
help[! M]y hair is mousy
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2015
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This is quite a good story. There are quite a few punctuation errors to fix. To mention a few:
"I am Jan" I answer.
"I am Jan," I answer. / comma
help!; my hair is mousy
help[! M]y hair is mousy
Comment Written 13-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2015
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Thank you much.
Comment from scd41
I admire your frankness in writing this essay intended basically to laugh at yourself. My understanding is that only those who have a very high sense of humour can only laugh at themselves. Even your title suggests a deliberate dig at your fat body rather than any SPAG. Do not bother about your post being silly. We are here for sharing and having fun.
reply by the author on 12-Mar-2015
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I admire your frankness in writing this essay intended basically to laugh at yourself. My understanding is that only those who have a very high sense of humour can only laugh at themselves. Even your title suggests a deliberate dig at your fat body rather than any SPAG. Do not bother about your post being silly. We are here for sharing and having fun.
Comment Written 12-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 12-Mar-2015
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Thank you You for your reply. You gave me a lift, I was questioning my right to write.
You understood where I was coming from. Perhaps you should get your head examined. (joke)
Comment from lancellot
Good idea for satire. You need to edit and work on SPAG, but the general idea is good. I noted a few thing I saw on my first pass.
notes:
Also, this not a script. You should ask Tom to change the category for you.
"Who are you?" this girl asks.
- speech tag
"I am Jan[,]" I answer.
- add
she said you were fat[,]" is her reply.
-add
survival only because this is one of the times I {an} actually NOT FAT!
- should be 'am'
I ask myself[,] "Why don't you create something that claims to help with weight loss?"
- add
When looking for a treadmill I take one home,[]because it looks good in...
-add space
as[,] "My treadmill is so loud The neighbors won't let me use it after eight at night[.]"
-add
I had to {loose} weight fast.
- wrong word - lose
Saying[,] "Smell? What smell? That is incense , Cherries, do you like it?["]
-add
The day I told myself[,] "Thanks to Fen-fen I will never be fat again[.]"(.)
-change, move over
I have tried with the results about {loosing} weight, I know I would read it.
- should be 'losing' Loose, means baggy or not tight.
reply by the author on 12-Mar-2015
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Good idea for satire. You need to edit and work on SPAG, but the general idea is good. I noted a few thing I saw on my first pass.
notes:
Also, this not a script. You should ask Tom to change the category for you.
"Who are you?" this girl asks.
- speech tag
"I am Jan[,]" I answer.
- add
she said you were fat[,]" is her reply.
-add
survival only because this is one of the times I {an} actually NOT FAT!
- should be 'am'
I ask myself[,] "Why don't you create something that claims to help with weight loss?"
- add
When looking for a treadmill I take one home,[]because it looks good in...
-add space
as[,] "My treadmill is so loud The neighbors won't let me use it after eight at night[.]"
-add
I had to {loose} weight fast.
- wrong word - lose
Saying[,] "Smell? What smell? That is incense , Cherries, do you like it?["]
-add
The day I told myself[,] "Thanks to Fen-fen I will never be fat again[.]"(.)
-change, move over
I have tried with the results about {loosing} weight, I know I would read it.
- should be 'losing' Loose, means baggy or not tight.
Comment Written 11-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 12-Mar-2015
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Thank you.
I am checking through your suggestion's. I see the mistakes, and feel silly that I did not not catch them.
I will be working to make my writing better.
You have helped me.
Comment from Kingsrookviii
You lost me at the title. I understand the attempt, but it was a turn of for me. Most importantly, I felt this was a very disjointed effort. Also, I have a good friend who is very big and it isn't funny. I worry for his health a lot. Otherwise, good poem that simply was not one I could relate to.
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2015
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You lost me at the title. I understand the attempt, but it was a turn of for me. Most importantly, I felt this was a very disjointed effort. Also, I have a good friend who is very big and it isn't funny. I worry for his health a lot. Otherwise, good poem that simply was not one I could relate to.
Comment Written 11-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2015
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Actually this was not intended to be a poem.
It was absolutly not making fun of anyone but myself.
If you have not been fat you cannot began to understand my writing.
I would NEVER make fun of someone for this reason.
I have been morbidly obese I and many of my family have and still suffer from this disease.
If I were not allowed to laugh at myself, I would die (at my own hand).
Comment from MizKat
Hi cbat,
It says HE is a top ranked author, so I was surprised this cute little story was about a woman. I enjoyed the read. I remember when I got up to 206 pounds years ago. Now I eat four tiny meals throughout the day and I'm down to 143 pounds and want to keep it there. Thanks again for reading my poem.
MizKat
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2015
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Hi cbat,
It says HE is a top ranked author, so I was surprised this cute little story was about a woman. I enjoyed the read. I remember when I got up to 206 pounds years ago. Now I eat four tiny meals throughout the day and I'm down to 143 pounds and want to keep it there. Thanks again for reading my poem.
MizKat
Comment Written 11-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2015
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Thank you for the reply.
I am a 65 year old woman. Not an accomplished writer.
I have been up to 223 pounds and am very short. I have gone down through the years many times.
I find humor a way of surviving.
Comment from dmt1967
This is a sad story my friend. I can relate to the hate thing and the fat thing. I comfort eat and cannot take depression tablets at all. Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2015
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This is a sad story my friend. I can relate to the hate thing and the fat thing. I comfort eat and cannot take depression tablets at all. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 11-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2015
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I appreciate your reply.
It's funny to realize that readers see my "Fat Story" as sad. I really see it as funny as I look back.
I don't feel sad about the things written, I do feel silly that I judged myself on weight alone.
Now watching my grand kids; I hope to never make them sad about appearance.
Comment from thomdble
The stigma of fat... You and I are in the same boat. (at opposite ends I hope). I have been fat and embarrassed my entire life. Even when I wasn't obese I thought of myself that way. I had an aortic rupture and lost 140 (don't go that route). This is a well written piece with a little fat jokes thrown because you feel like they are expected. Fat people are supposed to be funny right? I feel you forced a lot of the puns and jokes and that took some of the humor out. It did flow good and you do know what you are writing about. Keep up the good writing and thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2015
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The stigma of fat... You and I are in the same boat. (at opposite ends I hope). I have been fat and embarrassed my entire life. Even when I wasn't obese I thought of myself that way. I had an aortic rupture and lost 140 (don't go that route). This is a well written piece with a little fat jokes thrown because you feel like they are expected. Fat people are supposed to be funny right? I feel you forced a lot of the puns and jokes and that took some of the humor out. It did flow good and you do know what you are writing about. Keep up the good writing and thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 10-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2015
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Thank you!
I hope your health is good now.
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I had to read this twice but I got the joke! sorry I missed it earlier.
I have a habit of throwing out what I am thinking, I did not see my jokes as forced.
I have a family of "fat" sisters, we have a great time joking and laughing with each other.
Comment from MSJVClarke
This was a good satire I suppose but I'm glad you noted that it was years ago. Your writing would make a good stand-up comedy routine for sure. One note, your sentence structure in the fourth paragraph was a bit off.
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2015
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This was a good satire I suppose but I'm glad you noted that it was years ago. Your writing would make a good stand-up comedy routine for sure. One note, your sentence structure in the fourth paragraph was a bit off.
Comment Written 10-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2015
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Thank you
Comment from sammy92
A deeply honest explanation of a difficult period of life -- told with humor, candor, and a desire to be motivated and motivate others. Thank you for sharing it!!
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2015
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A deeply honest explanation of a difficult period of life -- told with humor, candor, and a desire to be motivated and motivate others. Thank you for sharing it!!
Comment Written 10-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2015
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Sammy92, Thank you!
