Lupo Dexus (Duelists Book 1)
Viewing comments for Chapter 11 "Lion, Part 4"a disparate group of exiles is drawn together
5 total reviews
Comment from Sasha
How the heck I missed this one is a complete mystery to me. I do hope you intend to continue with this now that I have re-read it and am all caught up. Great story and now I anxiously await the next post!!!!!
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2015
  |
How the heck I missed this one is a complete mystery to me. I do hope you intend to continue with this now that I have re-read it and am all caught up. Great story and now I anxiously await the next post!!!!!
Comment Written 09-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2015
-
Thank you, my dear :-). These should come quite fast now - I'm running through, doing a final edit before publication.
Mike
Comment from Cindy Warren
That Shadow fellow gave me the creeps. I hope he at least got a good beating. I'm going to have to catch up op a few chapters. It seems to be an interesting story.
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2015
|
That Shadow fellow gave me the creeps. I hope he at least got a good beating. I'm going to have to catch up op a few chapters. It seems to be an interesting story.
Comment Written 09-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2015
-
Thank you, Cindy :-). I'm so glad you enjoyed it!
Mike
Comment from Jay Squires
Very good writing, as I've grown to expect from you, but I'm a little confused how this grew out of the prologue. And this shows as chapter 11.
Your dialogue is excellent and the narrative fills in just enough to keep the plot from stalling.
A few considerations:
Occasionally, he though Don had a point [Occasionally, he THOUGHT Don...]
"What?" he span in his chair, [...he SPAN ?? Is this a British-ism?]
his physique and features avoiding definition. [Mike, "avoiding" doesn't sound right here. It sounds too conscious and purposeful.]
"It is carried immediately, once the body has been found, yes. I-" [Use a double dash (EM dash) not a single one, which is only reserved for a hyphen.]
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2015
|
Very good writing, as I've grown to expect from you, but I'm a little confused how this grew out of the prologue. And this shows as chapter 11.
Your dialogue is excellent and the narrative fills in just enough to keep the plot from stalling.
A few considerations:
Occasionally, he though Don had a point [Occasionally, he THOUGHT Don...]
"What?" he span in his chair, [...he SPAN ?? Is this a British-ism?]
his physique and features avoiding definition. [Mike, "avoiding" doesn't sound right here. It sounds too conscious and purposeful.]
"It is carried immediately, once the body has been found, yes. I-" [Use a double dash (EM dash) not a single one, which is only reserved for a hyphen.]
Comment Written 09-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2015
-
Excellent catches all, Jay, and greatly appreciated. I'm re-writing an old manuscript for this, but some of my old peculiar writing habits are getting through! Glad you enjoyed the tle.
Mike
Comment from royowen
I wonder who and what Raymond Shadow is, Arran is musing to himself? The little man makes several accusations about Arran's son, and about a guy called called Don, who may or may not be dead, Arran finally cracks and, by the neck, hoists the little man against the wall, before Meliisa intervenes, and he drops the man to the floor. I enjoyed this excerpt, it was well scribed, structured, and characterisation was good, most intense and readable, well done, blessings, Roy. Spag:-span-a distance between objects- spun I think.
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2015
|
I wonder who and what Raymond Shadow is, Arran is musing to himself? The little man makes several accusations about Arran's son, and about a guy called called Don, who may or may not be dead, Arran finally cracks and, by the neck, hoists the little man against the wall, before Meliisa intervenes, and he drops the man to the floor. I enjoyed this excerpt, it was well scribed, structured, and characterisation was good, most intense and readable, well done, blessings, Roy. Spag:-span-a distance between objects- spun I think.
Comment Written 09-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2015
-
Thanks so much, Roy. I'm glad you enjoyed it and appreciate the catch.
Mike
Comment from adewpearl
you show his emotions well through non-verbal cues like staring and chin resting heavily in hand - many instances of nonverbal communication throughout
you get into Arran's inner thoughts well
good use of natural-sounding dialogue
tone of voice also intensifies the spoken words
good character development
Brooke
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2015
|
you show his emotions well through non-verbal cues like staring and chin resting heavily in hand - many instances of nonverbal communication throughout
you get into Arran's inner thoughts well
good use of natural-sounding dialogue
tone of voice also intensifies the spoken words
good character development
Brooke
Comment Written 09-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2015
-
Thank you, Brooke :-). This is an old story of mine and I'm heavily editing/rewriting it, which has turned out to be far more work than writing a new book!
Mike
