Reflections Of Color
Viewing comments for Chapter 12 "Daddy When You Coming Home"A collection of my All-Time Best rated song lyrics
36 total reviews
Comment from Stacia Ann
This is powerful material, BMW, somewhere between poetry and prose, I'd call it, a story poem.
The repetition of the son's "You'd said you'd never leave me--" and the father's "It broke my heart to hear these words--" is evocative of how some conversations go in circles with no resolution. And of course there will probably be no resolution to this problem.
I thought at first the father had been deployed, was serving in the military, accounting for his long absence; I had much less sympathy when I learned it was from obtaining a new family. His words then about really loving his son (but for some reason not making time to see him) really ring hollow.
The only concern is some ambiguity about the son's age. The visual is of a toddler, but the words suggest an older child, elementary school age, probably, in the misplaced guilt he feels in the father's absence, his understanding of why his father his gone, feeling responsible for his mother. This seems a child with a little more understanding.
Thanks for sharing this!
All the Best,
Stacia
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2015
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This is powerful material, BMW, somewhere between poetry and prose, I'd call it, a story poem.
The repetition of the son's "You'd said you'd never leave me--" and the father's "It broke my heart to hear these words--" is evocative of how some conversations go in circles with no resolution. And of course there will probably be no resolution to this problem.
I thought at first the father had been deployed, was serving in the military, accounting for his long absence; I had much less sympathy when I learned it was from obtaining a new family. His words then about really loving his son (but for some reason not making time to see him) really ring hollow.
The only concern is some ambiguity about the son's age. The visual is of a toddler, but the words suggest an older child, elementary school age, probably, in the misplaced guilt he feels in the father's absence, his understanding of why his father his gone, feeling responsible for his mother. This seems a child with a little more understanding.
Thanks for sharing this!
All the Best,
Stacia
Comment Written 17-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2015
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Loved the picture. Thought it fit very nicely with the poem. That was why I chose to use it. However, when I wrote this poem about 5 years ago originally it was being told from a little older child's perspective. Regardless the child's age all of them feel like this one in this situation.
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Absolutely, very much so, the feeling's the same--being left by a parent can make an adolescent feel like a toddler!
Thanks again for sharing.
Stacia
Comment from mommerry
Your format was interesting for this heart rending exchange between parents and son. The son's plaintive question "is there somehow... I didn't do" tears at the heart. Good job.
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2015
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Your format was interesting for this heart rending exchange between parents and son. The son's plaintive question "is there somehow... I didn't do" tears at the heart. Good job.
Comment Written 17-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2015
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Thanks for your comments. Appreciate them very much.
Comment from Tatarka2
I like it, and I think it might work just as well as a song. Some suggestions, humbly offered: I'd take one of the somehow/something/somehows out, so it would be something like: "Is there somehow something I didn't do?" Also, the sentence "It broke my heart to hear these words tonight I heard from you" seems a bit long and unwieldy. How about "It broke my heart to hear these words from you?" Makes more sense and flows more lyrically, I think. Otherwise, an important topic, well-rhymed, and a tale well-told.
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reply by the author on 17-Apr-2015
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I like it, and I think it might work just as well as a song. Some suggestions, humbly offered: I'd take one of the somehow/something/somehows out, so it would be something like: "Is there somehow something I didn't do?" Also, the sentence "It broke my heart to hear these words tonight I heard from you" seems a bit long and unwieldy. How about "It broke my heart to hear these words from you?" Makes more sense and flows more lyrically, I think. Otherwise, an important topic, well-rhymed, and a tale well-told.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 17-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2015
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Thank you for your suggestions but I will leave the poem as I have written it. Appreciate you reading and reviewing it though.
Comment from c_lucas
An all too familiar scenario of a broken family. There are many reasons for such a scene I wonder why you left "are" out. Otherwise, this is well written.
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2015
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An all too familiar scenario of a broken family. There are many reasons for such a scene I wonder why you left "are" out. Otherwise, this is well written.
Comment Written 17-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2015
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Thanks for your comments. Appreciate them.
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You're welcome, BMW. Charlie
Comment from Pantygynt
This is a very poignant piece. It is beautifully constructed. The rhythm conveys the pleading of the son brilliantly and the killer is: "Is there somehow something I somehow didn't do?" because taking the blame for the break up of a marriage is something that children all to often do and the tragedy of it is that they are in fact, seldom, if ever, to blame. You have caught the atmosphere and the tragedy so well.
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2015
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This is a very poignant piece. It is beautifully constructed. The rhythm conveys the pleading of the son brilliantly and the killer is: "Is there somehow something I somehow didn't do?" because taking the blame for the break up of a marriage is something that children all to often do and the tragedy of it is that they are in fact, seldom, if ever, to blame. You have caught the atmosphere and the tragedy so well.
Comment Written 16-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2015
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Thanks for your comments. Appreciate them.
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You're welcome
Comment from Singin' in the Rain
this is so touching and poignant- almost leaves tears in my eyes. Good rhythm and rhyme- you handled the subject matter gently with care. Keep up the beautiful work!
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2015
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this is so touching and poignant- almost leaves tears in my eyes. Good rhythm and rhyme- you handled the subject matter gently with care. Keep up the beautiful work!
Comment Written 16-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2015
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Thanks for your comments. Appreciate them.
Comment from Muffins
The emotions go the pit of the reader's stomach, shaking it. How many parents( male or female) either deny access to the children , or dismiss their children for someone else as those they were old suitcases.
The repetition makes the theme tough to ignore, gives the situation a slap in the face dose of realism. Beautiful well executed poem.
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2015
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The emotions go the pit of the reader's stomach, shaking it. How many parents( male or female) either deny access to the children , or dismiss their children for someone else as those they were old suitcases.
The repetition makes the theme tough to ignore, gives the situation a slap in the face dose of realism. Beautiful well executed poem.
Comment Written 16-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2015
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Thanks for your comments. Appreciate them.
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
What a sad, sad, story that is so true for so many. Good job with the rhyme and meter.
Good job with the flow of the lines. This is a true-to-life story.
I see no changes. This reminds me of the song. "The Cat's in the Cradle."
Thanks for sharing. Welcome to FanStory.
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2015
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What a sad, sad, story that is so true for so many. Good job with the rhyme and meter.
Good job with the flow of the lines. This is a true-to-life story.
I see no changes. This reminds me of the song. "The Cat's in the Cradle."
Thanks for sharing. Welcome to FanStory.
Comment Written 15-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2015
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Thanks for your comments. Appreciate them very much.
Comment from Nosha17
There are other scenarios which evoke a cry from a child, when Daddy is not allowed to see his son ( I know this from personal experience)In whatever the instance it is shameful to think a parent could ignore such a plea from a child, who simply wants to see his Daddy and know he is loved. Well expressed message in your poem. Excellent rhyming and sincerest feelings. Faye
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2015
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There are other scenarios which evoke a cry from a child, when Daddy is not allowed to see his son ( I know this from personal experience)In whatever the instance it is shameful to think a parent could ignore such a plea from a child, who simply wants to see his Daddy and know he is loved. Well expressed message in your poem. Excellent rhyming and sincerest feelings. Faye
Comment Written 15-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2015
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Thank you for your comments. Appreciate them.
Comment from Futer98
A vet nicely composed poem with the sons feelings coming out very thoroughly and I kind if imagine a little child speaking these words on the edge of breaking down. It's true this situation is very common and it's very upsetting when little children are involved
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2015
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A vet nicely composed poem with the sons feelings coming out very thoroughly and I kind if imagine a little child speaking these words on the edge of breaking down. It's true this situation is very common and it's very upsetting when little children are involved
Comment Written 15-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2015
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Thank you for your comments. Appreciate them very much.
