~ SHOT AT DAWN ~ ~ Almost A Hero~
Story five...30 total reviews
Comment from juliesibs
This is very insightful and was a really good read. The characters are strong and believable. The story line very good, I was hoping the Private would be a little more restrained, but it was not to be. The firing squad was the only option.
Good read,
Julie
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2015
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This is very insightful and was a really good read. The characters are strong and believable. The story line very good, I was hoping the Private would be a little more restrained, but it was not to be. The firing squad was the only option.
Good read,
Julie
Comment Written 06-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2015
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Thank you Julie, yes this was a mad dog. The firing squad 'was' the only option.
:) Mel.
Comment from kiwijenny
A sight smile visited one side of his face....a slight smile
I put typos first so I don't forget them:o)
This was amazing . Amazing research. And intuitive feel for thuggish no conscience types that Private Andrew Harris was.
God bless
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2015
|
A sight smile visited one side of his face....a slight smile
I put typos first so I don't forget them:o)
This was amazing . Amazing research. And intuitive feel for thuggish no conscience types that Private Andrew Harris was.
God bless
Comment Written 06-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2015
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Thank you kiwijenny, I'm glad you liked it.
:) Mel.
Comment from Ric Myworld
Thanks for the pleasure of reading your very well written story. I'm not a blood and guts kind of guy, but there was a certain amount of humor in the attitude of private Harris. Great job. :-)
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2015
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Thanks for the pleasure of reading your very well written story. I'm not a blood and guts kind of guy, but there was a certain amount of humor in the attitude of private Harris. Great job. :-)
Comment Written 06-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2015
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Thank you Ric, I'm pleased you saw a little bit of the light side of this horrendous character, taken from real life.
:) Mel.
Comment from jaeladarling
Is this a story on its own? It seems like a piece taken out of something larger.
It has an interesting something that made me want to see what else might happen, but it wasn't enough to keep me engaged. Everything happens so fast, and the story reads more like a testimony of sorts - like someone is relaying events without emotion behind it.
You have a good premise. It just needs to be fleshed out more. If your *purpose* was just to relay the story, then you've done it. :) Otherwise, it could use a bit more life.
Thank you for sharing this with us. I like how you've incorporated real history into a fictional story. Always makes things interesting!
I've listed some technical nits below. Take it as you will. :)
Best wishes to you!
********
"He knew nothing else, fighting was his life." (The period should be a semicolon.)
"Took my Champagne; A WHOLE BLOODY CRATE--YOU BASTARDS! (Close the quote)
"You've been warned Harris, if you" ("You've been warned, Harris. If you")
"want some more just carry on," ("want some more, just carry on.")
"keep your eyes on our prisoner, he's dangerous" (The comma should be a semicolon or a period.)
"The Private laughed as only a drunk could, loud and uncontrolled," ("The Private laughed as only a drunk could: loud and uncontrolled.")
"The Sergeant shook his head," (The comma should be a period.)
"But for The Grace Of God," (The comma should be a period.)
"the rest he left unsaid." (Capitalize "The")
"cracked across the Sergeants face." ("Sergeant's")
"As they came to a squeaking halt; the extensive" (The semicolon should be a comma)
"room on the right. Only to be spoiled" ("room on the right, only to be spoiled")
"surveyed with disdain," (No comma)
"Stand to attention in front of your Commanding Officer," he barked. (Change the comma to an exclamation point for better effect. He did "bark", after all.)
"you are heading Private Harris." (Comma after "heading")
"I did a quick one eighty" ("one-eighty")
"They fired and a stray" (Comma after "fired")
"This caused me to crash and" (Comma after "crash")
"So where have you been and why" (Comma after "been")
"You see I'm trying to" (Comma after "see")
"what I'm looking for--A lone wolf." (Lowercase "a")
"he handed a letter to Capt. Greenly." (Capitalize "He")
"I have a task for you Harris." (Comma after "you")
"Volunteer for this work and your" (Comma after "work")
"what the penalty will be," the Capt. waited. ("what the penalty will be." The Capt. waited.)
"By using stealth I want you" (Comma after "stealth")
"I want you Harris," (Comma after "you")
"Through an alcoholic haze he had" (Comma after "haze")
"--Make no mistake if you" (No dashes needed. Semicolon after "mistake")
"to your old habits then you will" (Comma after "habits")
"I will see to that," (The comma should be a period.)
"he noticed that Private Harris" (Capitalize "He")
"in front of the MPs," (Change the comma to a period.)
"a slight smile indicated a sliver of humour," (Capitalize "A". Change the comma to a period.)
"Also some explosive" ("explosives")
"German trench knife they are" ("German trench knife. They are")
"And a sharp 'Cut Throat' razor." he said (Change the period to a comma.)
"was detected by our spies." ("our"? When did this change to first person?)
"In areas here" (Comma after "here")
"Private Harris had been active, signal intercepts" ("Private Harris had been active. Signal intercepts")
"He employed hit and run tactics and over" (Comma after "tactics")
"Looking up into his face he could" (Comma after "face")
"Tell be about last night Harris." (Comma after "night")
"As always I used my" (Comma after "always")
"He stopped as he thought about it and" (Comma after "it")
"a sight smile visited" ("slight")
"and how simple is to climb" (Add "it" after "simple")
"I gave a 'Glasgow Yawn,'" ("I gave a 'Glasgow Yawn'.")
"he was soon quiet and" ("He was soon quiet, and")
"the razor for, ideal for" (Change the comma to a semicolon)
"Done in a second," (Change the comma to a period.)
"the Private drew his index finger across his throat," (Capitalize "The". Change the comma to a period.)
"with it's thirty second" ("with its thirty-second")
"It was a close squick but I was" (Comma after "squick")
"I spoke to the C.O. earlier and he said" (Comma after "earlier")
"on the other side, do you" ("on the other side. Do you")
"in this army Private Harris." (Comma after "army")
"His parting words were." (Change the period to a comma and put the sentence in front of the dialogue.)
"Keep up the good work and make" (Comma after "work")
"Three months later Private" (Comma after "later")
"killing others, who would" ("killing others. Who would")
"This is the best thing for him really." (Comma after "him")
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2015
 |
Is this a story on its own? It seems like a piece taken out of something larger.
It has an interesting something that made me want to see what else might happen, but it wasn't enough to keep me engaged. Everything happens so fast, and the story reads more like a testimony of sorts - like someone is relaying events without emotion behind it.
You have a good premise. It just needs to be fleshed out more. If your *purpose* was just to relay the story, then you've done it. :) Otherwise, it could use a bit more life.
Thank you for sharing this with us. I like how you've incorporated real history into a fictional story. Always makes things interesting!
I've listed some technical nits below. Take it as you will. :)
Best wishes to you!
********
"He knew nothing else, fighting was his life." (The period should be a semicolon.)
"Took my Champagne; A WHOLE BLOODY CRATE--YOU BASTARDS! (Close the quote)
"You've been warned Harris, if you" ("You've been warned, Harris. If you")
"want some more just carry on," ("want some more, just carry on.")
"keep your eyes on our prisoner, he's dangerous" (The comma should be a semicolon or a period.)
"The Private laughed as only a drunk could, loud and uncontrolled," ("The Private laughed as only a drunk could: loud and uncontrolled.")
"The Sergeant shook his head," (The comma should be a period.)
"But for The Grace Of God," (The comma should be a period.)
"the rest he left unsaid." (Capitalize "The")
"cracked across the Sergeants face." ("Sergeant's")
"As they came to a squeaking halt; the extensive" (The semicolon should be a comma)
"room on the right. Only to be spoiled" ("room on the right, only to be spoiled")
"surveyed with disdain," (No comma)
"Stand to attention in front of your Commanding Officer," he barked. (Change the comma to an exclamation point for better effect. He did "bark", after all.)
"you are heading Private Harris." (Comma after "heading")
"I did a quick one eighty" ("one-eighty")
"They fired and a stray" (Comma after "fired")
"This caused me to crash and" (Comma after "crash")
"So where have you been and why" (Comma after "been")
"You see I'm trying to" (Comma after "see")
"what I'm looking for--A lone wolf." (Lowercase "a")
"he handed a letter to Capt. Greenly." (Capitalize "He")
"I have a task for you Harris." (Comma after "you")
"Volunteer for this work and your" (Comma after "work")
"what the penalty will be," the Capt. waited. ("what the penalty will be." The Capt. waited.)
"By using stealth I want you" (Comma after "stealth")
"I want you Harris," (Comma after "you")
"Through an alcoholic haze he had" (Comma after "haze")
"--Make no mistake if you" (No dashes needed. Semicolon after "mistake")
"to your old habits then you will" (Comma after "habits")
"I will see to that," (The comma should be a period.)
"he noticed that Private Harris" (Capitalize "He")
"in front of the MPs," (Change the comma to a period.)
"a slight smile indicated a sliver of humour," (Capitalize "A". Change the comma to a period.)
"Also some explosive" ("explosives")
"German trench knife they are" ("German trench knife. They are")
"And a sharp 'Cut Throat' razor." he said (Change the period to a comma.)
"was detected by our spies." ("our"? When did this change to first person?)
"In areas here" (Comma after "here")
"Private Harris had been active, signal intercepts" ("Private Harris had been active. Signal intercepts")
"He employed hit and run tactics and over" (Comma after "tactics")
"Looking up into his face he could" (Comma after "face")
"Tell be about last night Harris." (Comma after "night")
"As always I used my" (Comma after "always")
"He stopped as he thought about it and" (Comma after "it")
"a sight smile visited" ("slight")
"and how simple is to climb" (Add "it" after "simple")
"I gave a 'Glasgow Yawn,'" ("I gave a 'Glasgow Yawn'.")
"he was soon quiet and" ("He was soon quiet, and")
"the razor for, ideal for" (Change the comma to a semicolon)
"Done in a second," (Change the comma to a period.)
"the Private drew his index finger across his throat," (Capitalize "The". Change the comma to a period.)
"with it's thirty second" ("with its thirty-second")
"It was a close squick but I was" (Comma after "squick")
"I spoke to the C.O. earlier and he said" (Comma after "earlier")
"on the other side, do you" ("on the other side. Do you")
"in this army Private Harris." (Comma after "army")
"His parting words were." (Change the period to a comma and put the sentence in front of the dialogue.)
"Keep up the good work and make" (Comma after "work")
"Three months later Private" (Comma after "later")
"killing others, who would" ("killing others. Who would")
"This is the best thing for him really." (Comma after "him")
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 06-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2015
-
Thank you jaeladarling, for taking the time to review me.
Yes it is part of something larger. This is story five in my 'Shot at Dawn' series.
I could have fleshed it out and incorporated much more but at five thousand words no-one would have read it. This is Fanstory after all.
I thought that I 'had' induced 'some' emotion into this story.
One reviewer criticised my last story for not being descriptive enough about the technical aspects. I had concentrated on the inner conflict and the perception of a sensitive, suffering young man to the sounds of battle. So I cannot please everyone. I could try to write in a style somewhere in between. But then who would like it?
I have seen to the errors that you graciously point out.
As always, I do appreciate reviews such as this. They are a great help. Although awarding three stars in my opinion is counter-productive and not helpful in any way.
:) Mel.
Comment from Jay Squires
A really entertaining chapter, Mel. You've set a great pace for your post, plenty of action, suspense. Well done.
As you noticed, I had to deduct a star for SPAG. It's really on loan. As soon as you make the suggested corrections, and let me know, I'll be returning it to you. Fair enough?
Captain Parker was fishing for information. [Would suggest you leave this out. It should be brought out by the dialogue or description, not author intrusion.]
just what I'm looking for--A lone wolf." he handed a letter to Capt. Greenly. [You need to capitalize "HE"]
Under guard in a small servants room, [...guard in a small SERVANTS' ROOM. >> is Possessive]
I will see to that," he noticed that Private Harris looked excited. [You need a period instead of a comma after "that". What follows is NOT a dialogue tag, and therefore the "HE" needs to be capped as a complete sentence.]
I need the speed to keep in front of the MPs," a slight smile indicated a sliver of humour, [...in front of the MPs(." A)slight smile indicated a sliver of humour(.)]
You are having a real problem punctuating dialogue. I don't have time to point out more instances of it. Please check out the above site for the rules: http://fictionwriting.about.com/od/writingexercises/qt/punctuation.htm.]
"It was the other bastard that was snoring on duty, he made so much noise as I gave him the same as his friend. [A run-on sentence. You can't have two complete sentences (even in dialogue) separated by a comma. You need a period or semicolon.]
***********************************************************
Here you go, Mel!
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2015
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A really entertaining chapter, Mel. You've set a great pace for your post, plenty of action, suspense. Well done.
As you noticed, I had to deduct a star for SPAG. It's really on loan. As soon as you make the suggested corrections, and let me know, I'll be returning it to you. Fair enough?
Captain Parker was fishing for information. [Would suggest you leave this out. It should be brought out by the dialogue or description, not author intrusion.]
just what I'm looking for--A lone wolf." he handed a letter to Capt. Greenly. [You need to capitalize "HE"]
Under guard in a small servants room, [...guard in a small SERVANTS' ROOM. >> is Possessive]
I will see to that," he noticed that Private Harris looked excited. [You need a period instead of a comma after "that". What follows is NOT a dialogue tag, and therefore the "HE" needs to be capped as a complete sentence.]
I need the speed to keep in front of the MPs," a slight smile indicated a sliver of humour, [...in front of the MPs(." A)slight smile indicated a sliver of humour(.)]
You are having a real problem punctuating dialogue. I don't have time to point out more instances of it. Please check out the above site for the rules: http://fictionwriting.about.com/od/writingexercises/qt/punctuation.htm.]
"It was the other bastard that was snoring on duty, he made so much noise as I gave him the same as his friend. [A run-on sentence. You can't have two complete sentences (even in dialogue) separated by a comma. You need a period or semicolon.]
***********************************************************
Here you go, Mel!
Comment Written 06-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2015
-
Thank you Jay, once again.
Your suggestions have all been carried out.
I like the clear way you describe remedies for my ailing work.
I shall download those rules right away.
Many thanks to you for taking the time.
:) mel.
-
The pleasure is mine, Mel.
-
Thank you so much, Jay.
Comment from dmt1967
'As regards () getting to know him, you're welcome."' Insert (to).
' German front line was detected by our spies. In areas (here)' Change to (where).
Great story. There are a word or two missing from the dialogue of the privates speech, but not sure if that is his accent. Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2015
|
'As regards () getting to know him, you're welcome."' Insert (to).
' German front line was detected by our spies. In areas (here)' Change to (where).
Great story. There are a word or two missing from the dialogue of the privates speech, but not sure if that is his accent. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 06-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2015
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Thank you dmt1967, you caught me with:- here s/b (w)here.
I record and listen to quite a lot of natural conversation. People tend to miss odd words from sentences, especially at the beginning. I try to mimic this occasionally, though I do realise that realism is sometimes just an illusion in prose.
Private Harris for the purpose of the story is a Jock, had I written in pure Scots then I would have had a storm of corrections and three star reviews. In those days accents were heavy before the days of TV and mass media.
As always I appreciate your review.
:) mel.
Comment from Patrick G Cox
Hi write hand blue,
This one makes an interesting variant on the theme, and I think many of those currently campaigning for a 'blanket pardon' for those executed during this ghastly conflict overlook the fact that your fictional Harris is representative of a significant group of offenders.
Patrick
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2015
|
Hi write hand blue,
This one makes an interesting variant on the theme, and I think many of those currently campaigning for a 'blanket pardon' for those executed during this ghastly conflict overlook the fact that your fictional Harris is representative of a significant group of offenders.
Patrick
Comment Written 06-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2015
-
Thank you Patrick, yes murders were executed too. You make a valid point there.
:) mel.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
The disturbing and harrowing nature of war is well depicted within this fictional piece. Trench warfare was hideous by all accounts. A very well written and engaging piece.
GMG
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2015
|
Hi there,
The disturbing and harrowing nature of war is well depicted within this fictional piece. Trench warfare was hideous by all accounts. A very well written and engaging piece.
GMG
Comment Written 06-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2015
-
Thank you giraffmang, for your kind review.
:) mel.
Comment from LeannaP
Cleverly written
I really like this fictional piece
There are a lot of recurring themes in this
piece but I like how you play with the
theme of Death most of all
It reminded me of "Adolf Hitler" (In a good way), in the sense
that this idea of war is a vigilant and serious one
You got my attention with this one. I really enjoyed reading it
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2015
|
Cleverly written
I really like this fictional piece
There are a lot of recurring themes in this
piece but I like how you play with the
theme of Death most of all
It reminded me of "Adolf Hitler" (In a good way), in the sense
that this idea of war is a vigilant and serious one
You got my attention with this one. I really enjoyed reading it
Comment Written 06-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2015
-
Thank you LeannaP, for your kind review.
:) Mel.
Comment from Boyce Robbins
Good description of the horrors of trench warfare. Resembles Legends of the Fall where Brad Pitt took revenge for his dead brother. I enjoyed reading it and believe it deals with the basic paradox of warfare- how to win without creating monsters. In this story, the British don't create a monster, they use one who already exists. Good story.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2015
|
Good description of the horrors of trench warfare. Resembles Legends of the Fall where Brad Pitt took revenge for his dead brother. I enjoyed reading it and believe it deals with the basic paradox of warfare- how to win without creating monsters. In this story, the British don't create a monster, they use one who already exists. Good story.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 06-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2015
-
Thank you Boyce, for your interesting take on my story.
:) Mel.
