I Know a Place
A blessed tropical woods.15 total reviews
Comment from thunderrumble
You've captured the bird songs nicely and the visual descriptions are vivid and clear. A mental picture of the place just leaps off the page and into the imagination.
What does all that variety of vegetation smell like? Does the scent change as you walk? Is it dry or do you prickle with sweat? Is there a breeze under the canopy? Warm or cool? Do the bugs bite? I'd just like a bit more sensory info to really feel like I could stand there rather than seeing it in a beautiful film.
Very nice descriptions. Good luck in the contest!
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2015
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You've captured the bird songs nicely and the visual descriptions are vivid and clear. A mental picture of the place just leaps off the page and into the imagination.
What does all that variety of vegetation smell like? Does the scent change as you walk? Is it dry or do you prickle with sweat? Is there a breeze under the canopy? Warm or cool? Do the bugs bite? I'd just like a bit more sensory info to really feel like I could stand there rather than seeing it in a beautiful film.
Very nice descriptions. Good luck in the contest!
Comment Written 30-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2015
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thunderrumble: there is no scent unless you stick your nose directly into certain flowers. This is Florida. It is terribly humid from mid-April to mid-October. If you live in the middle of the state as I do, there are no lovely little breezes. If the air moves, it means there is a pending thunderstorm or hurricane on its way. Stay away from fire ants. They bite you and leave what looks like a pimple ready to pop; and, when it bites, it hurts. Now, let me point out a thing or two to you. To bring this place to life, description of the property was half the story. The other part of the description which you seemed to discount, is the feeling of it being a Holy place. Most of my reviewers picked this up, you didn't. Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts. livelylinda
Comment from alf collier
Hi unknown author. What an idyllic retreat. I could hear the birds and imagine the serenity as you revealed the scene. Thank you for sharing, alf
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2015
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Hi unknown author. What an idyllic retreat. I could hear the birds and imagine the serenity as you revealed the scene. Thank you for sharing, alf
Comment Written 29-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2015
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Thank you for reading, alf collier.
Comment from kellyolsen
A beautifully-written, descriptive essay about this place you hold so dear. What is it called? Where is it? Your choice of descriptive adjective played well into the imagery you presented. I was walking along that path with you as I read along. Great job. Cheers.
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2015
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A beautifully-written, descriptive essay about this place you hold so dear. What is it called? Where is it? Your choice of descriptive adjective played well into the imagery you presented. I was walking along that path with you as I read along. Great job. Cheers.
Comment Written 28-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2015
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kellyolsen: thank you for reading. This seven acres is located between Gainesville and Archer, Florida. My church sits back in this woods.
Comment from dmt1967
This story definitely gave me a sense of the garden of Eden. At the birds and wildlife who habitat this place and the flowers that grow. Good luck in the contest and thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2015
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This story definitely gave me a sense of the garden of Eden. At the birds and wildlife who habitat this place and the flowers that grow. Good luck in the contest and thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 28-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2015
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Thank you, dmt1967, for reading and commenting. livelylinda
Comment from mfowler
I don't think you could have done a more thorough job of capturing the essence, uniqueness, and sense of place than you have in this story. You take us on almost a documentary style walk through an exotic location, noticing the details, the fauna, the flora and you inject each description with such care that it's easy for the reader to imagine that this is God's gift to you. Best of luck in the poll.
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2015
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I don't think you could have done a more thorough job of capturing the essence, uniqueness, and sense of place than you have in this story. You take us on almost a documentary style walk through an exotic location, noticing the details, the fauna, the flora and you inject each description with such care that it's easy for the reader to imagine that this is God's gift to you. Best of luck in the poll.
Comment Written 28-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2015
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Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts with me.
Comment from Sis Cat
This is quite good! Wonderful sense of place and great descriptions, but to create an intimate experience for the reader, I suggest changing the pronoun from "you" to "I" and speak of this journey in the first person. This way the reader accompanies you on your walk as if they are eaves -dropping. You enhance the power of this story if you tell it in the first person. I have read another entry in this contest and he sucked me in by the use of the pronoun "I." He told a story amid his description of place. This is my suggestion.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2015
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This is quite good! Wonderful sense of place and great descriptions, but to create an intimate experience for the reader, I suggest changing the pronoun from "you" to "I" and speak of this journey in the first person. This way the reader accompanies you on your walk as if they are eaves -dropping. You enhance the power of this story if you tell it in the first person. I have read another entry in this contest and he sucked me in by the use of the pronoun "I." He told a story amid his description of place. This is my suggestion.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 26-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2015
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Thank you.
Comment from Winslow
Dear Writer,
A place where it is possible to commune with nature and with God. We sing praises to the Lord for the many gifts of varied life.
Good luck in the contest.
Regards,
A fansoian
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2015
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Dear Writer,
A place where it is possible to commune with nature and with God. We sing praises to the Lord for the many gifts of varied life.
Good luck in the contest.
Regards,
A fansoian
Comment Written 26-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2015
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Winslow: thank you for reading.
Comment from Herkjv1611
Serene peace,untouched greenery, an eco balance of the flora and fauna, unspoiled by noise, silence is perfect bliss, the kind of place as featured in the story are significant to human understanding.God created a perfect paradise for His human creations but sad to say that the Eden was lost due to the fall of man into sinning. Satan's dominion on the heart and mind of people, they are used to destroy our paradise into corruptible, polluted things.I like this kind of story and I yearn to enjoy promenading into such place.Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2015
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Serene peace,untouched greenery, an eco balance of the flora and fauna, unspoiled by noise, silence is perfect bliss, the kind of place as featured in the story are significant to human understanding.God created a perfect paradise for His human creations but sad to say that the Eden was lost due to the fall of man into sinning. Satan's dominion on the heart and mind of people, they are used to destroy our paradise into corruptible, polluted things.I like this kind of story and I yearn to enjoy promenading into such place.Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 26-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2015
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Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts.
Comment from Debbie Noland
What a very nice place description. You thoroughly cover the flora and fauna of the place while continually reinforcing the idea that its true significance is something spiritual and ethereal. You make me want to go there.
I have just a couple thoughts to share--one is to use a dash instead of a semicolon in your first line in order to avoid a fragment. I love the "goodnight Jim Bob" line, the Waltons allusion, but I wonder if you need one more goodnight line (Mary Ellen or John Boy, maybe) to Have a chance of more readers catching what you are doing with that. Finally, at the end I would use "bursting" rather than "busting," which is non-standard and sounds too colloquial/informal with the diction level you have already established.
It is a really carefully crafted descriptive piece. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2015
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What a very nice place description. You thoroughly cover the flora and fauna of the place while continually reinforcing the idea that its true significance is something spiritual and ethereal. You make me want to go there.
I have just a couple thoughts to share--one is to use a dash instead of a semicolon in your first line in order to avoid a fragment. I love the "goodnight Jim Bob" line, the Waltons allusion, but I wonder if you need one more goodnight line (Mary Ellen or John Boy, maybe) to Have a chance of more readers catching what you are doing with that. Finally, at the end I would use "bursting" rather than "busting," which is non-standard and sounds too colloquial/informal with the diction level you have already established.
It is a really carefully crafted descriptive piece. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 26-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2015
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Debbie: thank you so much for reading and offering such helpful hints to improve the story. I am using all your suggestions. About the Walton reference, I could not remember "John Boy", my memory banks must be closed for the day! Once again, thank you for your support. livelylinda
Comment from Sloegin
Good post. Your descriptive work is done with good style. There is no verbiage and your choice of words is spot on.
Your similes and metaphors work well. All in all a nice job.
One critique I must mention: In Genesis the snake is the symbol of the devil, not the eye of God.
Keep writing.
Sloegin
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2015
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Good post. Your descriptive work is done with good style. There is no verbiage and your choice of words is spot on.
Your similes and metaphors work well. All in all a nice job.
One critique I must mention: In Genesis the snake is the symbol of the devil, not the eye of God.
Keep writing.
Sloegin
Comment Written 26-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2015
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Sloegin: Our snake is an eye used to help God watch over us, oh so it seems when we see him. Or maybe the Devil is attempting to weasel in on our sacred ground . . . Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts. livelylinda