Wild Animals
Two trapped teens, caged and uncaged30 total reviews
Comment from c_lucas
In order to give up on life, one has to give up on himself. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very interesting read.
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2015
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In order to give up on life, one has to give up on himself. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very interesting read.
Comment Written 30-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2015
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C Lucas, thank you for your review. I revised my story to smooth out the words after initial feedback from a professional editor and writer on FanStory. I am still stunned by the events surrounding the degradation and disappearance of Al Czar. I mistakenly entered this story in a fiction contest, but it is not fiction. I wish it was. Your explanation, "In order to give up on life, one has to give up on himself," sums up what happened to him and why. Thank you for providing the first review after I revised and reposted my story.
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C Lucas, thank you for your review. I revised my story to smooth out the words after initial feedback from a professional editor and writer on FanStory. I am still stunned by the events surrounding the degradation and disappearance of Al Czar. I mistakenly entered this story in a fiction contest, but it is not fiction. I wish it was. Your explanation, "In order to give up on life, one has to give up on himself," sums up what happened to him and why. Thank you for providing the first review after I revised and reposted my story.
Comment from alf collier
Hi Sis Cat. As I read this I could picture with a rapt audience listening to see what happened. You also have a gift for telling stories on paper. It was very smooth rendition, loved reading it, alf
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2015
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Hi Sis Cat. As I read this I could picture with a rapt audience listening to see what happened. You also have a gift for telling stories on paper. It was very smooth rendition, loved reading it, alf
Comment Written 28-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2015
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Thank you very much! I just got back from a storytelling performance last night and saw your review of a written story. It cheers me to know that I can both tell stories and write them. Thanks for the encouragement!
Comment from MelB
A well written piece on a confused boy looking desperately for love. Did you ever take him to church with you? Statistics reveal, that more than likely this boy had been sexually abused and that is why he was trying to do the same to you. It may have even been happening in his home and that is why he didn't want to go there. My guess is he probably never got help and just rode the pit straight down to being homeless. It is sad. There is help out there, but not everyone wants to accept it.
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2015
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A well written piece on a confused boy looking desperately for love. Did you ever take him to church with you? Statistics reveal, that more than likely this boy had been sexually abused and that is why he was trying to do the same to you. It may have even been happening in his home and that is why he didn't want to go there. My guess is he probably never got help and just rode the pit straight down to being homeless. It is sad. There is help out there, but not everyone wants to accept it.
Comment Written 24-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2015
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Thank you for your review and insight. Al's story has puzzled me for thirty years. I have reached the same conclusion that he may have been molested, possibly at home, and acted it out in his search for love. Everything points to that conclusion.
Yes, until he robbed my family, we took him to Sunday School with us regularly, but there was no one for him to talk to at that time. At that time and place there were scarce services and early intervention for boys in my neighborhood. Al's descent represents all the kids in my neighborhood who never made it out of early adulthood undamaged.
Thank you for taking the time to read my story.
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My heart breaks for each and every one of the kids in your neighborhood. I know there were less services to help back then. It definitely sounds like your family tried to make a difference in his life. That is all you can do and can't make people choose the help. Thanks for sharing the story!
Comment from dmt1967
This is a sad story, even sadder if it is true. As I always say homeless people come from somewhere, they are not born like that. The story is well written. Good luck in the contest and thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2015
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This is a sad story, even sadder if it is true. As I always say homeless people come from somewhere, they are not born like that. The story is well written. Good luck in the contest and thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 23-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2015
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Thank you. Unfortunately, the story is true. My story about Al Czar spans 35 years, although he may not have lived that long once he hit the streets. My story is my attempt to bring closure to an open childhood wound. I sift through memories and diaries for clues, which may not be the answers.
I am still in shock. This is why I felt an urge to wake the sleeping homeless on the streets of San Francisco and ask, "Have you seen Al?"
As I tell his story, I come to accept that some things may be unknowable.
Thank you for the generous review. I posted a reedited version of "Wild Animals" today.
Comment from Cat of Letters
Hi,
I like the power of your story. I read what you say, that your story telling is aural, so you are looking for tips to get it right on the page. Therefore I will get technical on you.
First Para.
Put a period after 'the bedroom I share with my brother'. Skip the 'but. New sentence. 'He is not there because . . . '
'On an August night, (comma) in 1979, (comma) I lie awake beneath nappy polyester blankets. (End the sentence there.)
wondering what they are doing making that racket like a pack of wild animals.
Here you have three 'ing verb endings, wonderING, doING, makING, all in one sentence. Use the search function in Word when you edit your work to find ing. Fix and make stronger wherever you can.
Your writing will always be strengthen if you can find a more direct way to use the verb. Try never to have a bunch of ings in a paragraph.
I wonder what they are doing ( are up to?). They sound like a pack of wild animals.
__
This is not a great edit. I am just want to point out the 'ing' factor. To be aware of it.
___
I like the rest of the paragraph, and the way you phrase it. Very much illustrates, the older brother, above the dignity of pre-teens.
Para 2
cut that 'ing verb again
'as we stroll' instead of 'strolling'
This is a great image. You want to make it as strong as you can.
We kids cut quite a sight, (comma)
after Gary Coleman to should out a comma or a hyphen, if you want to use the -
Al lives upstairs from us, (comma)
Al never seems to live at home. Cut the but again. Start a new sentence. 'He hangs with us . . .
Make a new Para for 'Mom cautions etc' for emphasis. This is key to your narrative, you want the info to stand out.
'Three Days after Valentine's Day, 1980, on a Saturday night, I stay up late with my brother and Al. In the living room, we play card games and card tricks, while we wait for 'Rock Concert' and 'Rock Show', which . . . We missed 'Rock Show', so we wait . . .
till is written 'til as dialect/slang or else use until
'I FALL asleep on the floor next to Al,
You can get these comma placements if you read this aloud to yourself. Where you need to breath, or pause, in speech, you need a comma.
'without even seeing' better than 'without ever seeing'. But if you can get rid of the seeING, another ing verb form, so much the better.
'I miss' . .. something like this as an alternative to cull the weak verb form 'seeING'.
You next para is great, and does real convey a sense of shock to the reader. All of it is great actually, it is only some technical stuff. This 'ing' thing is style, as your writing is technically correct, cull the ings you will add directness, and power.
'Al appears to be sleepING'
'Al appear to be asleep'
tell him to stop, (comma) but I do not want to wake him
More ings:
I pretend to sleep. I ignore his invitation in the hope he will stop touching me.
If you make the touchING the only ING. By getting all the other ing verbs fixed up in the run up to it. You will draw a great deal of attention to it , and increase the considerable shock value of what this kid is up to all the more.
The ings in the next para, in morning, and three nothings, actually work. If you cull your earlier ings.
The nothing, nothing, nothing will echo the touching.
Make it 'now I know why my brother SLEEPS on the sofa. '
I watch from my bedroom window as Al grows older and wilder
OR
I watched from my bedroom window as Al grew older and wilder
One day, in May 1984,
I like these dates. You use of them gives a great progression and context. But you must use the commas to give them the emphasis.
'in the hope (not in hopes) the sun would revive it' - the lizard
He grieves, "I feel sorry . . ." Make this line its own paragraph. Emphasis.
This whole lizard bit is terrific.
"You CATCH fish and leave them on the ground."
I love the confessional screen of the window.
But you need a ,
Through the confessional screen of my window, I preach to my former Sunday Schoolmate, three years my junior
Really good straight on down
You have some more ings at the point, and it is a key point:
He returns me this pitying look, as if he is visiting a prison and looking into my cell.
You might want to actually leave these ings. To lace back to the whole touching and nothing business. Just be aware of them.
But instead of saying 'I am a twenty year old virgin living in Mom's apartment.
say I am a twenty year old virgin. I live in Mom's apartment.
Al ran with the pack. I WANTED to flee with him, but REMAINED behind the screen
You may want to watch your past/present tenses from here on in, as you wind up the story. I have noted your earlier use of tense.
I would suggest you move here into the past tense:
Al ran with the pack. I wantED to flee with him, but remainED behind the screen. In the days to come the BB riddled lizard beneath my window rottED and driED in the sun.
Five months later, in October '84, Al's family movED . . . He SEEMED so lucky. I wishED I could join him. I WROTE in my diary: '
Thirty years passED
After my Mom died I returnED . . . and I askED . . .
My brother answerED
My eyes widenED
When my brother SAID this, Al's nocturnal smile ignited IN my memory. The smile which SHONE on me in the darkness, and faded . . .
My brother CONCLUDED,
My mouth GASPED for words. I SHOOK my head. Mom's warning HAUNTED me
___
It's fabulous. Reading it line by line, like this, made me realize just how much so. You have a great talent.
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2015
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Hi,
I like the power of your story. I read what you say, that your story telling is aural, so you are looking for tips to get it right on the page. Therefore I will get technical on you.
First Para.
Put a period after 'the bedroom I share with my brother'. Skip the 'but. New sentence. 'He is not there because . . . '
'On an August night, (comma) in 1979, (comma) I lie awake beneath nappy polyester blankets. (End the sentence there.)
wondering what they are doing making that racket like a pack of wild animals.
Here you have three 'ing verb endings, wonderING, doING, makING, all in one sentence. Use the search function in Word when you edit your work to find ing. Fix and make stronger wherever you can.
Your writing will always be strengthen if you can find a more direct way to use the verb. Try never to have a bunch of ings in a paragraph.
I wonder what they are doing ( are up to?). They sound like a pack of wild animals.
__
This is not a great edit. I am just want to point out the 'ing' factor. To be aware of it.
___
I like the rest of the paragraph, and the way you phrase it. Very much illustrates, the older brother, above the dignity of pre-teens.
Para 2
cut that 'ing verb again
'as we stroll' instead of 'strolling'
This is a great image. You want to make it as strong as you can.
We kids cut quite a sight, (comma)
after Gary Coleman to should out a comma or a hyphen, if you want to use the -
Al lives upstairs from us, (comma)
Al never seems to live at home. Cut the but again. Start a new sentence. 'He hangs with us . . .
Make a new Para for 'Mom cautions etc' for emphasis. This is key to your narrative, you want the info to stand out.
'Three Days after Valentine's Day, 1980, on a Saturday night, I stay up late with my brother and Al. In the living room, we play card games and card tricks, while we wait for 'Rock Concert' and 'Rock Show', which . . . We missed 'Rock Show', so we wait . . .
till is written 'til as dialect/slang or else use until
'I FALL asleep on the floor next to Al,
You can get these comma placements if you read this aloud to yourself. Where you need to breath, or pause, in speech, you need a comma.
'without even seeing' better than 'without ever seeing'. But if you can get rid of the seeING, another ing verb form, so much the better.
'I miss' . .. something like this as an alternative to cull the weak verb form 'seeING'.
You next para is great, and does real convey a sense of shock to the reader. All of it is great actually, it is only some technical stuff. This 'ing' thing is style, as your writing is technically correct, cull the ings you will add directness, and power.
'Al appears to be sleepING'
'Al appear to be asleep'
tell him to stop, (comma) but I do not want to wake him
More ings:
I pretend to sleep. I ignore his invitation in the hope he will stop touching me.
If you make the touchING the only ING. By getting all the other ing verbs fixed up in the run up to it. You will draw a great deal of attention to it , and increase the considerable shock value of what this kid is up to all the more.
The ings in the next para, in morning, and three nothings, actually work. If you cull your earlier ings.
The nothing, nothing, nothing will echo the touching.
Make it 'now I know why my brother SLEEPS on the sofa. '
I watch from my bedroom window as Al grows older and wilder
OR
I watched from my bedroom window as Al grew older and wilder
One day, in May 1984,
I like these dates. You use of them gives a great progression and context. But you must use the commas to give them the emphasis.
'in the hope (not in hopes) the sun would revive it' - the lizard
He grieves, "I feel sorry . . ." Make this line its own paragraph. Emphasis.
This whole lizard bit is terrific.
"You CATCH fish and leave them on the ground."
I love the confessional screen of the window.
But you need a ,
Through the confessional screen of my window, I preach to my former Sunday Schoolmate, three years my junior
Really good straight on down
You have some more ings at the point, and it is a key point:
He returns me this pitying look, as if he is visiting a prison and looking into my cell.
You might want to actually leave these ings. To lace back to the whole touching and nothing business. Just be aware of them.
But instead of saying 'I am a twenty year old virgin living in Mom's apartment.
say I am a twenty year old virgin. I live in Mom's apartment.
Al ran with the pack. I WANTED to flee with him, but REMAINED behind the screen
You may want to watch your past/present tenses from here on in, as you wind up the story. I have noted your earlier use of tense.
I would suggest you move here into the past tense:
Al ran with the pack. I wantED to flee with him, but remainED behind the screen. In the days to come the BB riddled lizard beneath my window rottED and driED in the sun.
Five months later, in October '84, Al's family movED . . . He SEEMED so lucky. I wishED I could join him. I WROTE in my diary: '
Thirty years passED
After my Mom died I returnED . . . and I askED . . .
My brother answerED
My eyes widenED
When my brother SAID this, Al's nocturnal smile ignited IN my memory. The smile which SHONE on me in the darkness, and faded . . .
My brother CONCLUDED,
My mouth GASPED for words. I SHOOK my head. Mom's warning HAUNTED me
___
It's fabulous. Reading it line by line, like this, made me realize just how much so. You have a great talent.
Comment Written 22-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2015
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Thank you very much, Cat of Letters. Yes, my storytelling is aural, but I appreciate your nuts and bolts recommendations to get it right on page. I will incorporate them. Thank you for taking the time to make my story better.
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Thank you very much, Cat of Letters. Yes, my storytelling is aural, but I appreciate your nuts and bolts recommendations to get it right on page. I will incorporate them. Thank you for taking the time to make my story better.
Comment from adewpearl
You set the stage well in your opening
wish I could join them, but - I added the comma
you introduce the narrator and the narrator's family well
"Rock Concert," which - I added the comma
you convey the narrator's emotional reaction well to Al's touching in the middle of the night
excellent dialogue
eyes plead, eyes widen - good use of non-verbal communication to enhance the emotion of the conversation
a powerful story, well told
Brooke
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2015
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You set the stage well in your opening
wish I could join them, but - I added the comma
you introduce the narrator and the narrator's family well
"Rock Concert," which - I added the comma
you convey the narrator's emotional reaction well to Al's touching in the middle of the night
excellent dialogue
eyes plead, eyes widen - good use of non-verbal communication to enhance the emotion of the conversation
a powerful story, well told
Brooke
Comment Written 21-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2015
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Thank you! I had a lot of fun creating non-verbal forms of communications for this story. It could be a glance or a gesture. There is so much that is unsaid but felt and hinted. I am glad you picked up on these non-verbal cues. Thank you for the feedback!
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Thank you! I had a lot of fun creating non-verbal forms of communications for this story. It could be a glance or a gesture. There is so much that is unsaid but felt and hinted. I am glad you picked up on these non-verbal cues. Thank you for the feedback!
Comment from Seraphim Delphinium
Wow. Just wow.
Awesome writing. Incredibly authentic voice. Content, context and characters all exceedingly well developed. "Through the confessional screen of my window I preach..." Great imagery!
When the author introduces, "May 1984" the reader looked back to see if she had missed an earlier date. Since dates are involved in the storyline, I would suggest adding a date in the beginning strophes for contextual purposes.
All in all, well worth the read. Superb writing and a captivating story! BRAVO! S~
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2015
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Wow. Just wow.
Awesome writing. Incredibly authentic voice. Content, context and characters all exceedingly well developed. "Through the confessional screen of my window I preach..." Great imagery!
When the author introduces, "May 1984" the reader looked back to see if she had missed an earlier date. Since dates are involved in the storyline, I would suggest adding a date in the beginning strophes for contextual purposes.
All in all, well worth the read. Superb writing and a captivating story! BRAVO! S~
Comment Written 20-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2015
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Thank you for the compliments! I worked hard this weekend to reimagine and revise "Wild Animals" away from its origin as a live performance story script to a story that will work on the page because of the mood, pacing, and details. I will incorporate your recommendation to add a date earlier in the text. Thanks for the feedback!
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Thank you for the compliments! I worked hard this weekend to reimagine and revise "Wild Animals" away from its origin as a live performance story script to a story that will work on the page because of the mood, pacing, and details. I will incorporate your recommendation to add a date earlier in the text. Thanks for the feedback!
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I wanted to read one of your posts to see what I did wrong, because many people gave me sixes because my dialogue was so good. I noticed you use very little dialogue. I use dialogue to move my plot along.
Marc blows smoke in my face through the window screen as he holds his rifle again, "Hey, Andre, why don't you come with us to the quarry lake? We're going fishing." (period after again it's not speech tag)
I squirm, "Shouldn't you guys be in school now?" (period after squirm it's not a speech tag)
Marc blows more smoke in my face, "We're playing hooky (period after face, it's not a speech tag. You only use comma's if words come out of the speaker's mouth)
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2015
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I wanted to read one of your posts to see what I did wrong, because many people gave me sixes because my dialogue was so good. I noticed you use very little dialogue. I use dialogue to move my plot along.
Marc blows smoke in my face through the window screen as he holds his rifle again, "Hey, Andre, why don't you come with us to the quarry lake? We're going fishing." (period after again it's not speech tag)
I squirm, "Shouldn't you guys be in school now?" (period after squirm it's not a speech tag)
Marc blows more smoke in my face, "We're playing hooky (period after face, it's not a speech tag. You only use comma's if words come out of the speaker's mouth)
Comment Written 20-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2015
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Thank you! I will incorporate your corrections.
Comment from jpduck
A haunting story which translates exceptionally well from the spoken word to the written word. I would guess you must have been very hurt, not to say outraged, by the slam judge's assessment.
Adrian
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2015
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A haunting story which translates exceptionally well from the spoken word to the written word. I would guess you must have been very hurt, not to say outraged, by the slam judge's assessment.
Adrian
Comment Written 17-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2015
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You are right. This story is not as captivating as "Ninety to One" because the conflict is less clear. It is part performance, part memoir. It dates six months before I studied "The Moth" anthology of personal stories and hit my stride with creating new ones like "Ninety to One" and "Night Cravings" which mark a new evolutionary era in my writing and performance. If I were writing "Wild Animals" for performance today I would write it differently, shorter, simpler, and tighter. As for the "hour" I could rewrite it to say "Mark was so drunk that by the time he sobered up he realized that his brother was missing. He drove all the way back down the desert highway before dawn searching for him only to find his crushed body lying in a Utah road." As told to my brother, it was Marc himself who found his dead brother Brandon in the road because he was the one looking for him. A motorist or the paramedics did not find Brandon. My sense of Marc's story is that Brandon fell out of the vehicle while they drove drunk at night where it can be hard to distinguish a human body in or along the road from a dead deer. I have never been to Utah, but I have driven the deserts of California, Arizona, and New Mexico at night, and I do not want to stop for anything or anyone in the road and get out of my car. My first impulse is to drive around whatever is in the road and ask questions later. In the broad daylight, a human body in the road would have been obvious and reported. Thanks for the suggestion. I will change that line, but the story needs a lot more work if it is ever to see the light of day again. I find writing new stories more fun than fixing stories I have outgrown.
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One of the things I struggled with when writing "Wild Animals" is whether or not to tell the story of just Al or of Al and his friends--Mark, Brandon, and Felix. If I were rewriting the story today, I would just stick with Al's story. The others dilute his. Do not attempt to tell the story of every traumatized teen. Tell the story of one to represent them all.
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I'm sure you're right about that.
Adrian
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If I were retelling the story today at The Moth I would tell it as a straight, personal story without the dramatic reenactments of boys blasting lizards. I would control the tone of the piece. I will apply these lessons to new stories.
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Thank you for our discussion of my story "Wild Animals." I applied my own recommendations to this story and improved it to the point where I love it more due to its mood, narrative arc, and characters. Thanks.
Comment from pixie74
Powerful story, thanks for sharing. Although I believe that sometimes in life, suffering is inevitable for many people. To escape what you've already been brought up into is not always easy to get away from, even if your removed from the problem. The mental trauma if there was any still remains, and is very difficult to heal. And I'm not excusing any bad behavior, but usually the person who ends up hurt, or dead is the one who went through all that trauma, and suffering as a child.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2015
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Powerful story, thanks for sharing. Although I believe that sometimes in life, suffering is inevitable for many people. To escape what you've already been brought up into is not always easy to get away from, even if your removed from the problem. The mental trauma if there was any still remains, and is very difficult to heal. And I'm not excusing any bad behavior, but usually the person who ends up hurt, or dead is the one who went through all that trauma, and suffering as a child.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 17-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2015
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Thank you. I have to pinch myself to know I am alive. I find it painful to accept that I used to hang with those guys, but I made a conscious decision not to join them. That was the best decision I made. Everyone of those boys ended up deranged, disappeared, drunk, or damaged. I survive to tell their stories. When I was growing up with them I had no idea, we had no idea what would happen to them, but it appears that the trauma and violence of their childhood followed them into adulthood.
