Stand Strong
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "A Door Opens"Social pressures threaten a childhood friendship
77 total reviews
Comment from IndianaIrish
Oh, how pleased I am to be reading this new revisd chapter of your story, Bev. I so love the band Skillet, and you make me want to pull up their music in my playlist. No changes noted or needed here. Excited to read more.
Smiles,
Karyn :-)
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2015
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Oh, how pleased I am to be reading this new revisd chapter of your story, Bev. I so love the band Skillet, and you make me want to pull up their music in my playlist. No changes noted or needed here. Excited to read more.
Smiles,
Karyn :-)
Comment Written 13-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2015
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Hi, Karyn. You are one of the reasons I decided to go back and give this novel another go. So, thank you both for that encouragement and the support of your words here. I simply cannot believe how many great Christian rock groups there are out there. It seems like a new one pops up every other week. My favorite is MercyMe, with Third Day a close second. But Skillet is a fantastic band as well.
:) Bev
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Yeah, we talked about this when you posted before. MercyMe is my favorite as well and seeing them live was incredible. Glad to be reading this story!
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:)
Comment from donaldww
Two tickets for the only Wisconsin tour stop of her favorite Christian rock group, Skillet <- Haha! These guys should do a concert on Masterchef.
Coming from a broken home, with her father out of the picture, they'd expressed concern that Jujee's mother might not be on top of all her daughter's activities.
(I thought this was a somewhat callous reason to disapprove of Jujee. The broken home is not Jujee's fault, and now her mother is stuck raising her alone. I would have thought Mara's parents would offer compassion and help rather than disapproval.)
Well written, on target for your teen audience.
Cheers, DW
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2015
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Two tickets for the only Wisconsin tour stop of her favorite Christian rock group, Skillet <- Haha! These guys should do a concert on Masterchef.
Coming from a broken home, with her father out of the picture, they'd expressed concern that Jujee's mother might not be on top of all her daughter's activities.
(I thought this was a somewhat callous reason to disapprove of Jujee. The broken home is not Jujee's fault, and now her mother is stuck raising her alone. I would have thought Mara's parents would offer compassion and help rather than disapproval.)
Well written, on target for your teen audience.
Cheers, DW
Comment Written 13-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2015
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Donald, this is just the kind of feedback I'm looking for with this novel. You are right on about the paragraph on the parents' feeling about Jujee's mother. It was insensitive as written. I've changed it, and I think it reads more in line with how I want the characters to come across, yet still maintaining the belief that Christian parents need to help in the choosing of the children's friends. Thanks so much for the great insights and bonus of your very generous rating. I appreciate both. :) Bev
Comment from rama devi
Hi dear Bev,
How are you, my friend? Glad I had a few minutes to visit here while you still have chapter one open...nice to start from the beginning. This is a good opening. I am not so familiar with teen-novel genre, but it seems fitting and well paced and worded for that age group.
Just a few minor suggestions to note--optional, mostly, so no stars knocked:
We? I wonder if Dad's home early from work?
Your use of internal dialog is good. One thing to bear in mind is that, when we speak to ourselves internally, we rarely use pronouns, especially "I". So, I suggest a minor edit to the above line to:
We? Wonder if Dad's home early from work?
*optional suggestion to use a contraction here:
"The extra ticket is for a friend of your choice.
"The extra ticket's for a friend of your choice.
*OPTIONAL COMMAS:
He grasped his wife's hand and(,) together(,) they headed downstairs.
*optional suggestion to use a contraction here:
"When is the concert?
When's the concert?
*
"It's Saturday. You have plenty of time to get an outfit together. Didn't you just get a pile of clothes for Christmas? There's got to be something in there to wear," Mara said.
No need for the speech tag there. The reader knows who is speaking. However, an action tag may be good, to add a visual 'flavor' of her countenance. Suggest something like:
"It's Saturday. You have plenty of time to get an outfit together. Didn't you just get a pile of clothes for Christmas? There's got to be something in there to wear." Mara smiled with suggestive eyes.
*Spag:
"Some of the items need to be returned, especially from my grandmother(,) who thinks I'm still eight years old."
*That way, I can spend it on what I want, not what she thinks I want," she complained.
First of all, complained is an awkward speech tag. Secondly, a speech tag is not needed there. I recommend instead using gesture, tone or facial expression to SHOW the complaining energy rather than TELLING it.
Example (feel free to use):
That way, I can spend it on what I want, not what she thinks I want." She rolled her eyes and sighed.
*
"Look at it this way," Mara offered, "now you can exchange them for something to wear to the concert and probably get even more since everything's on sale."
Suggest:
"Look at it this way," Mara's tone was conspiratorial, "now, you can exchange them for something to wear to the concert and probably get even more since everything's on sale."
*
"Right. Well, I gotta get going." Jujee continued without bothering to tone down her excitement. "I'll call you later and let you know how it went."
Inspired closing note:
I believe God's word, through music, can work miracles, Mara thought. This could end up being an awesome experience for us both.
Indeed, music can invoke grace and healing.
Lots of Love, Light and Hugs,
rd
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2015
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Hi dear Bev,
How are you, my friend? Glad I had a few minutes to visit here while you still have chapter one open...nice to start from the beginning. This is a good opening. I am not so familiar with teen-novel genre, but it seems fitting and well paced and worded for that age group.
Just a few minor suggestions to note--optional, mostly, so no stars knocked:
We? I wonder if Dad's home early from work?
Your use of internal dialog is good. One thing to bear in mind is that, when we speak to ourselves internally, we rarely use pronouns, especially "I". So, I suggest a minor edit to the above line to:
We? Wonder if Dad's home early from work?
*optional suggestion to use a contraction here:
"The extra ticket is for a friend of your choice.
"The extra ticket's for a friend of your choice.
*OPTIONAL COMMAS:
He grasped his wife's hand and(,) together(,) they headed downstairs.
*optional suggestion to use a contraction here:
"When is the concert?
When's the concert?
*
"It's Saturday. You have plenty of time to get an outfit together. Didn't you just get a pile of clothes for Christmas? There's got to be something in there to wear," Mara said.
No need for the speech tag there. The reader knows who is speaking. However, an action tag may be good, to add a visual 'flavor' of her countenance. Suggest something like:
"It's Saturday. You have plenty of time to get an outfit together. Didn't you just get a pile of clothes for Christmas? There's got to be something in there to wear." Mara smiled with suggestive eyes.
*Spag:
"Some of the items need to be returned, especially from my grandmother(,) who thinks I'm still eight years old."
*That way, I can spend it on what I want, not what she thinks I want," she complained.
First of all, complained is an awkward speech tag. Secondly, a speech tag is not needed there. I recommend instead using gesture, tone or facial expression to SHOW the complaining energy rather than TELLING it.
Example (feel free to use):
That way, I can spend it on what I want, not what she thinks I want." She rolled her eyes and sighed.
*
"Look at it this way," Mara offered, "now you can exchange them for something to wear to the concert and probably get even more since everything's on sale."
Suggest:
"Look at it this way," Mara's tone was conspiratorial, "now, you can exchange them for something to wear to the concert and probably get even more since everything's on sale."
*
"Right. Well, I gotta get going." Jujee continued without bothering to tone down her excitement. "I'll call you later and let you know how it went."
Inspired closing note:
I believe God's word, through music, can work miracles, Mara thought. This could end up being an awesome experience for us both.
Indeed, music can invoke grace and healing.
Lots of Love, Light and Hugs,
rd
Comment Written 13-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2015
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Hello, Rama! So good to hear from you :)
I really appreciate your great suggestions and have incorporated all of them. As always, you've offered me superb advice and wonderful support.
Hugs, Bev
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Thanks for your gracious response, dear Bev. Big warm smiles to you! Lovely to hear from you too! HUGS, rd
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PS--thanks for extra cent pump--so sweet of you,d ear. I am unable to answer by PM because of being a standard member. Your encouragement is much appreciated, as always! :)
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You deserve it, Rama. XXX Bev
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XXXooX
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xxxxXXXX(((( O ))))XXXXxxxx
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All of that a more back to you, Rama! xxxoooxx
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Ditto, dear! :-))))
Comment from Showboat
Hi Bev, well, finally I get in on the first chapter! Now I can follow along with you.
What a shame she can't find someone who really wants to go to the concert! Poor kid. Ah, I feel this is happening for a reason.
Great job, my friend, I'll be back!
Hugs,
Gayle
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2015
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Hi Bev, well, finally I get in on the first chapter! Now I can follow along with you.
What a shame she can't find someone who really wants to go to the concert! Poor kid. Ah, I feel this is happening for a reason.
Great job, my friend, I'll be back!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment Written 13-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2015
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Yes, it is, Gayle. Lots more coming, and I appreciate knowing you're going to be along for the ride. Thanks for the great review, my friend.
Hugs, Bev
Comment from Adri7enne
I can only review from my perspective, not being a Christian teenager and knowing nothing about the music. I come away from this chapter feeling sorry for Mara who doesn't seem to have a trust worthy friend. She has loving parents, though, and that should make up for it.
Mara comes across as 'super nice'. I hope you plan on giving her a few little quirks that will make her feel real.
A good beginning. Well done, Bev.
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2015
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I can only review from my perspective, not being a Christian teenager and knowing nothing about the music. I come away from this chapter feeling sorry for Mara who doesn't seem to have a trust worthy friend. She has loving parents, though, and that should make up for it.
Mara comes across as 'super nice'. I hope you plan on giving her a few little quirks that will make her feel real.
A good beginning. Well done, Bev.
Comment Written 13-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2015
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Thanks, Adrienne. Always good to get your perspective. :) Bev
Comment from anita1946
I thought the beginning of this story was beautifully written, introduces the characters well and gets the reader wanting to know more. I find any story about teenagers is fascinating, probably because so much has changed since I was one, and yet so much stays the same.
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2015
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I thought the beginning of this story was beautifully written, introduces the characters well and gets the reader wanting to know more. I find any story about teenagers is fascinating, probably because so much has changed since I was one, and yet so much stays the same.
Comment Written 13-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2015
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Hi, Anita. Thank you so very much for this very generous and encouraging review. Like you, I can enjoy stories about teenagers because I'm facinated, as well, by their coping with today's intense demands. Really great to hear from you!
:) Bev
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
A most enjoyable read, Bev -
the conversation between the
two girls, so natural.
I gotta get going[.](,)" Jujee continued
Margaret
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2015
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A most enjoyable read, Bev -
the conversation between the
two girls, so natural.
I gotta get going[.](,)" Jujee continued
Margaret
Comment Written 13-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2015
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Thanks for the great review and spag check, Margaret. Good to hear from you. :) Bev
Comment from Patrick G Cox
Hi writingfundimension,
Hmm, did I pick up a hint in the closing paragpahs that Jujee is probably going to get the two girls into hot water?
You capture the 'teen' mentality well, with the 'child/adult/rebel' lurking at each step. Nicely done.
Patrick
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2015
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Hi writingfundimension,
Hmm, did I pick up a hint in the closing paragpahs that Jujee is probably going to get the two girls into hot water?
You capture the 'teen' mentality well, with the 'child/adult/rebel' lurking at each step. Nicely done.
Patrick
Comment Written 13-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2015
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As usual, Patrick, you seem able to read my mind LoL. I really appreciate the vote of confidence for narrative tone of my book. That's my main concern right now. So, thanks very much.
:) Bev
Comment from gypsycaravan
The writing on this chapter is excellent, minus all spag, which is distracting to readers. Your early description of her alone in her bedroom struggling with her schoolwork are written very well with good visuals.
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2015
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The writing on this chapter is excellent, minus all spag, which is distracting to readers. Your early description of her alone in her bedroom struggling with her schoolwork are written very well with good visuals.
Comment Written 13-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2015
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Hi, G. Thanks for your really grand review. I much appreciate the encouragement and support. :) Bev
Comment from jpduck
This sounds like a great start to a novel which is well targeted at the (Christian) teen market, but which would probably be a turn-off for the rest. My senses were tweaked by the several hints at a complex relationship between Mara and Jujee.
One SPAG:
'This year, it was important for her to really dig in' (Change 'to really dig in' to 'really to dig in' - split infinitive).
Adrian
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2015
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This sounds like a great start to a novel which is well targeted at the (Christian) teen market, but which would probably be a turn-off for the rest. My senses were tweaked by the several hints at a complex relationship between Mara and Jujee.
One SPAG:
'This year, it was important for her to really dig in' (Change 'to really dig in' to 'really to dig in' - split infinitive).
Adrian
Comment Written 13-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2015
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Hi, JP. Thanks much for sharing your insights about my target market. I'd also agree that most folks will probably see this type of book as simplistic. I might have at one time too!
I really appreciate your excellent review and good suggestion.
Warm regards, Bev
