Comment from Jeffrey L. Michaux

Excellent

Thank you for sharing your work. I found myself feeling a bit sorry for the lass having to navigate through math. It wasn't my strong suit either. The reward from her parents was so sweet. I enjoyed this. Very well written and very well done.

 Comment Written 16-Jan-2018

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reply by the author on 16-Jan-2018

Hi, Jeff. Thank you very much for taking time to read my chapter! I appreciate your insights very much. Math was a horrible disaster for me. Much better suited to English LoL.

Bev

Comment from Amy DeValk

Excellent

I really enjoy writing that helps paint a picture in my mind, and yours does just that. I could see Mara sitting in her room, the expressions on the characters' faces and feel the emotion. Very relatable as the issues with school and friends are common among all teens (or anyone who was a teen)!

 Comment Written 16-Jan-2018

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reply by the author on 16-Jan-2018

Hi, Amy. Thank you very much for taking time to read my chapter. I much appreciate your great insights and encouragement. Though it's tempting to fill the story with present day lingo, I think what may stand the test of time is sticking with issues common to all teens past and present.

Kind regards,

Bev

Comment from Thomas Bowling

Exceptional

Excellent Several years ago, I thought in order to be Christian music, it had to come from a hymnal. All rock type music was evil. Then I started listening to the words and said these performers know what they're singing about and are reaching a lot of people.

 Comment Written 16-Jan-2018

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reply by the author on 16-Jan-2018

Thanks for your grand review, Thomas. I really appreciate your insights and taking time to read. I find much of the music from folks like Mercy Me, Third Day, and even TobyMac to have lyrical, poetic foundations. It really gets me groovin' (showing my age),

Bev

Comment from estory

Excellent

I think you did a pretty good job with this. The scene setting is nice, you put us right there in the room with Mara, and the dialogue between daughter and parents make the characters come alive. The two teen girls seem realistically rendered in all their talk about getting ready to meet this guy. I think you did a good job of describing the girl's faith and her focus on these two important issues for her; doing well on the math test and making a connection with this tenuous friend. Good suspense at the end, we want to know what happens next. In the background is this slight tension between parents and daughter, in their expectations for her, and their pride in her, and I think herein is the real gist of your story. Real life can be disappointing, and that can be difficult to overcome. And through the life lessons, God gets us to grow up. estory

 Comment Written 16-Jan-2018

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reply by the author on 16-Jan-2018

Thank you for your excellent review. I appreciate the time you took to point out what you felt were the positive points in the chapter. Such feedback is especially helpful.

Comment from Mustang Patty

Excellent

Thank you for sharing this Christian story aimed at young adults. It seems all too often that Christian parents forget their children can be used to spread God's words, too. I think the small voice Mara heard was sound. With some guidance from Mara, Jujee can learn to rely on God, too.

~patty~

 Comment Written 16-Jan-2018

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reply by the author on 16-Jan-2018

Thanks, patty. I really appreciate your insights into the chapter. Mara will be challenged in her friendship with Jujee, but she sees past the rough surface.

Have a great week!

Bev

Comment from Brigitte Elko

Excellent

While reading this with eager anticipation because of the targeted audience, I immediately came to realize that this author is totally in touch with realities of a teen's life and teen pressures. This is penned in an easy to read style and presents profound underlying messages. Having a teenage granddaughter, this piece hits a personal reaction. I loved it. There is absolutely nothing I can find that needs changing or improving. You, my friend, are in touch with the times. Keep writing so that I can keep reading.
Blessings,
:)Brigitte

 Comment Written 15-Jan-2018

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reply by the author on 15-Jan-2018

Brigitte, bless you for this most encouraging review. My concern has been that I'm out of touch with the age group I hope will read the work. So, your wonderful words are so appreciated. I'll be posting again next week, and hope you will have a chance to read because I need feedback from folks like yourself to keep me honest and on track.

Blessings to you as well,

Bev

reply by Brigitte Elko on 15-Jan-2018

I will keep reading and sharing with my Granddaughter for relevant feedback and reaction.
:) Brigitte

reply by the author on 15-Jan-2018

Thanks again!

reply by Brigitte Elko on 15-Jan-2018

:)
Brigitte

reply by Brigitte Elko on 15-Jan-2018

Comment from apky

Excellent

I think this is an excellent story for that teen group, especially the Christian teens.
You did a wonderful job of making the reader love and root for Mara - such a wonderful character, with such understanding and caring parents.

I thoroughly enjoyed the read and the excellent writing and characterization. The dialogues flowed and felt natural. There was just one small glitch below.

We're comfortable you'll keep you(your) side of our bargain

 Comment Written 15-Jan-2018

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reply by the author on 15-Jan-2018

Hi, apky. Thank you so very much for your great review! Your insights are just what I'm looking for. So, thank you for mentioning the aspects of the chapter that worked for you... so helpful. I will correct the error you spotted.

Thanks again!

Bev

Comment from Dean Kuch

Exceptional

It's just great to be able to read you once again, Bev. However, I realize the passing of a beloved sibling can take its toll on us.
Regardless of the circumstances involved, I'm raring to go...

Working on her math assignment for two hours made her anxious and inclined to head downstairs to reward herself with something sweet before chilling out with her favorite Christian rock group, Skillet. ... Skillet? Skillet, really? What, Mara didn't like STRYPER, one of the hardest rockin' Christian metal groups of all time? Well... different stokes for different folks, as they say, heh-heh.

Mr. Devlan smiled in that crooked way he had and reached over to squeeze Mara's shoulder, giving her the warmth of his encouragement. ...
"There was a crooked man, and he walked a crooked mile.
He found a crooked sixpence upon a crooked stile.
He bought a crooked cat, which caught a crooked mouse,
And they all lived together in a little crooked house." ~ Unknown

"Jayson's going? I have to be there! But I don't have anything to wear or enough money to get my nails done!" ... Oh, for the love of ... C'mon, Jujee! Wear something tight-fitting and buy a bottle of black nail polish at Wal-Mart for $3.99. Chances are, if you have any curves at all, Jayson ain't gonna be starin' at your clothes or your manicure. I'm a guy who was once a teen himself.
Trust me, I outta know! LOL...

Waking the next morning, she felt more at peace. Underneath her friend's tough exterior, Mara heard God whisper, was a hurting heart. The bitter divorce of Jujee's parents had left her angry and confused.

I believe God's word, through music, can work miracles, Mara thought. The concert could end up being an uplifting spiritual experience for us both.
... Ask and ye shall receive...sometimes. Hopefully it all works out in Mara's favor.

Sensational writing as always, Bev. You haven't missed a beat!

 Comment Written 15-Jan-2018

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reply by the author on 15-Jan-2018

Dean, my friend. SOOOO good to receive one of your most unique reviews. I love your comments because I feel you might be better able to write this proposed novel than myself. You truly speak the lingo that is more likely to heard today even in church youth groups LoL.

My tastes turn to Mercy Me and Third Day, so I haven't listened to Stryper. But I'm about to. So funny too, because when I first put this out a few years back one reviewer thought Skillet was a bit too rough for a girl Mara's age. At the time, he may have been right. Things change on the music scene so fast.

Thank you so very much for your generous, fun and insightful review, Dean.

Bev

reply by Dean Kuch on 15-Jan-2018

The pleasure's all mine, Bev, as always.
STRIPER's great, especially live, in concert.


Rock On!
~Dean

reply by the author on 15-Jan-2018

Seeing your group in person is SO much better than just listening to their CD's. What I love about the Christian rock groups is, of course their personal testimony of faith, but how generous many of these groups are in terms of the cost of tickets. Sounds like we share a common ground Dean (besides writing). :)

reply by Dean Kuch on 15-Jan-2018

Oh yes, Bev.
We absolutely do. :)

Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear

Excellent

This continues promoting the same great ideal and values, how God's word work miracles, faith in God is, a nice story is well said, well done. Keep writing. DR ALCREATOR

 Comment Written 14-Jan-2018

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reply by the author on 15-Jan-2018

Thank you so much for your very encouraging review. I appreciate you taking the time to read and review.

Bev

Comment from Angela VA

Excellent

I enjoyed the interactions between Mara and her parents. The dialogue was good and the descriptions of body language added to the setting.
Here are some suggestions.
1st paragraph: You don't really need the last sentence.
3rd paragraph: The first sentence ends with "she thought." Since that is not part of the thought, it doesn't need to be in italics.
4th paragraph - The last sentence is missing a word before "well."
I don't understand why some of the sections have a white background while others don't.
I haven't read any previous chapters, but this looks promising.

 Comment Written 14-Jan-2018

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reply by the author on 14-Jan-2018

Hi, Angela. I have no idea why sections of the story look strange. It's an edit from the original, so I assume it has something to do with that.

I appreciate your interest and insights.

Bev