Chasing of the Wind.
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "The Rescue "Conflict between the Human Needs and the Divinity
2 total reviews
Comment from Sarah_Goldwell
You have very good use of imagery and description. Your story moves at a good pace and the dialogue flows well. Nice work.
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2015
  |
You have very good use of imagery and description. Your story moves at a good pace and the dialogue flows well. Nice work.
Comment Written 10-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2015
-
Thanks for your review and encouraging comments. I hope you read earlier chapters of the book. Best regards and wishes.
Comment from Jay Squires
This is an entertaining chapter, for the most part well written. You have adventure, suspense and do a fair job of the pacing of the chapter. It seems there is a strange sentence structure used and that makes me think English is not your first language. This makes it difficult to be fair in my review.
I was forced to deduct a star for the SPAG, but if you make the corrections I suggesting (including all the spacing errors) I will return the star as soon as you let me know.
He lived further north on the New Mexico Route 525 [He lived FARTHER north... >> Use FARTHER for physical distance.]
He looked at his wrist watched and noted [...his wrist WATCH...]
laughed unnecessarily,jumped in the pickup [missing a space after "unnecessarily".]
" there is a man's leg your truck missed by just inches" [You need to bring this up to the previous line or space for a new paragraph.]
"What the hell is that?" He asked himself. [You need to space here.]
He wasn't afraid of dead ones; [another paragraph spacing error.]
fell on the Father Francis' face and torso. [Since this is in the point of view of Wayra, you can't use the priest's name unless Wayra already knows who it is.]
"Well. Let me get some advice from someone lot more experienced in these matters." [...someone A lot more...]
He reached to a decision and got his cell phone out. [This is phrased oddly. It should either be "He CAME TO a decision..." or,
"He REACHED A decision."]
He called the number and after several rings a sleepy voice came on [Another paragraph spacing error. Because of the number of these, I won't point any more of them out.]
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2015
 |
This is an entertaining chapter, for the most part well written. You have adventure, suspense and do a fair job of the pacing of the chapter. It seems there is a strange sentence structure used and that makes me think English is not your first language. This makes it difficult to be fair in my review.
I was forced to deduct a star for the SPAG, but if you make the corrections I suggesting (including all the spacing errors) I will return the star as soon as you let me know.
He lived further north on the New Mexico Route 525 [He lived FARTHER north... >> Use FARTHER for physical distance.]
He looked at his wrist watched and noted [...his wrist WATCH...]
laughed unnecessarily,jumped in the pickup [missing a space after "unnecessarily".]
" there is a man's leg your truck missed by just inches" [You need to bring this up to the previous line or space for a new paragraph.]
"What the hell is that?" He asked himself. [You need to space here.]
He wasn't afraid of dead ones; [another paragraph spacing error.]
fell on the Father Francis' face and torso. [Since this is in the point of view of Wayra, you can't use the priest's name unless Wayra already knows who it is.]
"Well. Let me get some advice from someone lot more experienced in these matters." [...someone A lot more...]
He reached to a decision and got his cell phone out. [This is phrased oddly. It should either be "He CAME TO a decision..." or,
"He REACHED A decision."]
He called the number and after several rings a sleepy voice came on [Another paragraph spacing error. Because of the number of these, I won't point any more of them out.]
Comment Written 09-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2015
-
Thanks for the review but I am bit surprised as which version got posted. I had edited most of the points before posting the Registered copy. The watch error was corrected before posting and spacing is difficult for me to visualize on the narrow box. I am going to go back to see what happened. As far as language of English being my second language, it was my first language after fifth grade and in all I have over 12 years of education in English and yet I am sloppy and lazy in writing. Some bad English is deliberate and some like Farther and further is just a mistake in picking a wrong word from the spell check's menu. Never the less your points are well taken and I shall definitely revisit each one you have pointed out. Thanks for taking the trouble. I appreciate it. Arun
