Stories of the Dreamtime
Viewing comments for Chapter 11 "Jayawah's Terrible Lesson."Aboriginal myths and legends.
19 total reviews
Comment from Writingfundimension
Another fascinating legend you share, Kay. It seems a harsh judgment on the twins, but the water spirit knows what is best for the overall good the tribe. I enjoyed your post!
:) Bev
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2015
  |
Another fascinating legend you share, Kay. It seems a harsh judgment on the twins, but the water spirit knows what is best for the overall good the tribe. I enjoyed your post!
:) Bev
Comment Written 18-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2015
-
Hello Bev, Thanks so much for reading - we all need to learn respect for animals and children can be taught at an early age. Blessings, Kay.
-
Yes, I would they should be taught at an early age.
You're very welcome, my friend.
Hugs, Bev
Comment from Sasha
I enjoyed this very much. Very well written and filled with lots of fascinating facts I did not know. I have read a little about Australia and must admit am quite afraid of the many snake, spiders and other unfamiliar creatures that live there. But this has never erased my desire to visit you fascinating country.
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2015
|
I enjoyed this very much. Very well written and filled with lots of fascinating facts I did not know. I have read a little about Australia and must admit am quite afraid of the many snake, spiders and other unfamiliar creatures that live there. But this has never erased my desire to visit you fascinating country.
Comment Written 18-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2015
-
Thank you Sasha, Not many people in other countries know about our aboriginal myths and legends. Blessings, Kay. (everything in our animal world is BIG, not all are dangerous - Koalas are loved by visitors. Blessings, Kay.
Comment from mumsyone
Another great Aboriginal legend, Kay. Just a couple of suggestions.
Hugs,
Lois
weaving baskets or dilly-bags that the women collect their kumara to roast over the fire or ground (grind) to a paste to make a type of bread.
The tribe looked for the twins and mourned their loss.(,throwing) Throwing ashes from the cold fires upon their heads as a sign of loss.
The tribe had grown old and long forgotten the children,(. They) they drove the twins away.
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2015
|
Another great Aboriginal legend, Kay. Just a couple of suggestions.
Hugs,
Lois
weaving baskets or dilly-bags that the women collect their kumara to roast over the fire or ground (grind) to a paste to make a type of bread.
The tribe looked for the twins and mourned their loss.(,throwing) Throwing ashes from the cold fires upon their heads as a sign of loss.
The tribe had grown old and long forgotten the children,(. They) they drove the twins away.
Comment Written 18-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2015
-
Hello Mum, Thanks so much for reading and editing too. Glad you enjoyed. Cheers, Kay.
Comment from jpduck
Your writing has a fine voice, put to excellent use in this charming tale.
A suggestion and some typos:
'roots of the lilies are used for weaving baskets or dilly-bags *in which* the women collect their kumara'
After each of the following, insert a blank line to mark the new paragraph:
'Today was the day to move to a new camp and new billabong.'
'Kurria opened his large toothless jaws at the twins.'
'they had no fear now that Kurria had left'
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2015
|
Your writing has a fine voice, put to excellent use in this charming tale.
A suggestion and some typos:
'roots of the lilies are used for weaving baskets or dilly-bags *in which* the women collect their kumara'
After each of the following, insert a blank line to mark the new paragraph:
'Today was the day to move to a new camp and new billabong.'
'Kurria opened his large toothless jaws at the twins.'
'they had no fear now that Kurria had left'
Comment Written 18-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2015
-
Thank you jpduck! Glad you liked the story and thanks for the edits. Cheers, Kay.
Comment from Eigle Rull
You definitely get a six for this fascinating story. This was very well written and interesting as well as exciting. The narration was also very good. The storyline was smooth and understandable with good morals to it. It is a good children's story also.
Always with respect,
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2015
 |
You definitely get a six for this fascinating story. This was very well written and interesting as well as exciting. The narration was also very good. The storyline was smooth and understandable with good morals to it. It is a good children's story also.
Always with respect,
Comment Written 18-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2015
-
Hello my friend, Thanks so much for your kind review; glad you liked the little story. Blessings and hope all is well? Love, K.
Comment from royowen
I loved your story Kay, silly people who disobeyed the elders and finished up in a pickle, or more to the point in the stomach of crocodile nee water spirit and didn't release them until the tribe had moved away and they'd been long forgotten, the moral being, don't be unkind to animals, or you'll pay. Well written, well composed and conceived, nice story structure, good characterisation, absorbing and readable, blessings, Roy.
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2015
|
I loved your story Kay, silly people who disobeyed the elders and finished up in a pickle, or more to the point in the stomach of crocodile nee water spirit and didn't release them until the tribe had moved away and they'd been long forgotten, the moral being, don't be unkind to animals, or you'll pay. Well written, well composed and conceived, nice story structure, good characterisation, absorbing and readable, blessings, Roy.
Comment Written 17-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2015
-
G'day Roy, It is hard for me not to write as we speak; need to cater for Americans! Glad you enjoyed. Blessings, Kay :-) XX
-
Americans tend to be a little insular, but I enjoyed it.
Comment from Jay Squires
Good story, Kay. Mostly narrative as fables would be, with just enough dialogue to keep it real.
A few concerns:
Snake is popular, roasted over the fire - tastes like chicken. [Never use a single dash EXCEPT as a hyphen. Always use a DOUBLE dash to separate one clause from another. You do this each time, so I'll only point this out once, but you need to correct it.]
Jayawah had turned himself [Paragraph spacing error.]
The men bundled their spears [Paragraph spacing error in this and the next paragraph.]
I love your blending of fact with fable: Like the Kookaburra bird laughing, and your ascribing thought to him.]
I was unaware this was a fable, Kay, until the water spirit swallowed them.
As such it was very well done!
___________________________________________________________
Still missed several double dashes (you have single). Go to Word to the "find/replace" function, upper right. Find all the single dashes then in the replace box put in [-- ] and hit replace (not replace all!) it will take you to each one. Those that you want double dashes for, hit replace. It's that simple.
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2015
|
Good story, Kay. Mostly narrative as fables would be, with just enough dialogue to keep it real.
A few concerns:
Snake is popular, roasted over the fire - tastes like chicken. [Never use a single dash EXCEPT as a hyphen. Always use a DOUBLE dash to separate one clause from another. You do this each time, so I'll only point this out once, but you need to correct it.]
Jayawah had turned himself [Paragraph spacing error.]
The men bundled their spears [Paragraph spacing error in this and the next paragraph.]
I love your blending of fact with fable: Like the Kookaburra bird laughing, and your ascribing thought to him.]
I was unaware this was a fable, Kay, until the water spirit swallowed them.
As such it was very well done!
___________________________________________________________
Still missed several double dashes (you have single). Go to Word to the "find/replace" function, upper right. Find all the single dashes then in the replace box put in [-- ] and hit replace (not replace all!) it will take you to each one. Those that you want double dashes for, hit replace. It's that simple.
Comment Written 17-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2015
-
Hello Jay, My learned friend, who sees all in my writing! Glad you liked the little story. Blessings, Kay XX PS. If I wrote as WE speak, you would be confused! The aboriginal tribes have 10,000 dialects and white folk have a different language to Americans :-)
-
I gotcha, Kay. I love the hominess of it, though!
-
But wait, there's more! I am working on another little chapter. Now, Brooke edits my work and - is OK, you edit and it has to be -- this I don't understand because I haven't seen a double -- like that? :-{
-
Double dashes are the same in US and abroad. The only difference is the spacing before and after that we DON'T have in the US. On the other hand, the three dot ellipsis has a space before and after it in the US, but abroad there's no space. Why can't we all just be friends?
-
Yep, just hold hands across the miles and forget the dots and dashes -- mind you, I DID EDIT according to your instructions...any chance of another peek? :-)
Comment from Rdfrdmom2
Aussie:
My mom & dad had a friend when I was growing up who used to tell
us kids that he only had two rules for his young'uns:
1. Mind your manners
2. Mind your elders
He said if we did those two things, we would have a wonderful life.
thanks for sharing
jan
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2015
|
Aussie:
My mom & dad had a friend when I was growing up who used to tell
us kids that he only had two rules for his young'uns:
1. Mind your manners
2. Mind your elders
He said if we did those two things, we would have a wonderful life.
thanks for sharing
jan
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 17-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2015
-
Hello Jan, Thank you for reading and yes, we need to respect all others, especially the animals cause they rely on us so much. Blessings, Kay.
Comment from nancy_e_davis
A very nice tale of lore to make children listen and respect the laws of the elders. A story with a moral Kay. There was a
contest or prompt for a story like this. I enjoyed it very much. Well done. Nancy
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2015
|
A very nice tale of lore to make children listen and respect the laws of the elders. A story with a moral Kay. There was a
contest or prompt for a story like this. I enjoyed it very much. Well done. Nancy
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 17-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2015
-
Bless you Nancy. Thanks for reading my friend. Love, K.
