Comment from jpduck

Exceptional

I thought this was a really excellent piece, with a steady build-up to the great finale, even though I am no great fan of ghost and horror fiction.

One typo:
'The air inside was musty and moist.' (Delete the line break following 'moist').

 Comment Written 30-Dec-2014

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reply by the author on 30-Dec-2014

Thanks for taking the time to R&R, JP, and for catching that typo as well. I truly appreciate your help and stellar rating.

Happy New Year! :) ~Dean

Comment from Green Lake Girl

Excellent

I sure hope our hero was able to put Mr. Razor in a permanent "dead" status. Nothing like a good Ghost Carnival for a writing prompt. Why is it that Carnivals are creepy by nature? Hmmmmm. Good story; hope you do well in the contest.
(Loved the third picture--extra creepy!)

Some suggestions:

First paragraph--put a period after the last sentence.

Frankie-boy. (Should "boy" be capitalized if it's part of his name?)

"I outta throttle you stupid look" Outta - should be "oughta". Comma after "you".

 Comment Written 30-Dec-2014

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reply by the author on 30-Dec-2014

Thanks so much, Marietta. I'm really very glad to know you enjoyed this.

Ah, yes-s-s-s-s... carnivals. Those collections of vanishing vagabonds, vile villains, and wretched ne'er-do-wells. Ray Bradbury thought they were a bit eerie, and portrayed that in his story, "Something Wicked this way Comes", which is precisely the story I was thinking of as I wrote this. I wanted it to have the same ambiance, and feel to it.

As for the typos, thanks so much for spotting those and pointing them out.

The "I oughta' throttle you stupid" line means something like, I should beat you silly, or, I ought to knock you out, so I require it to be all one sentence, no commas. It's just a different and unusual way of saying the same thing.

Thanks again, Marietta, and happy 2015 to you! ;)

Comment from Patrick G Cox

Excellent

Hi the author,

Well, the Freak Show certainly touches on the 'creepy', a nice blend of the supernatural and the horror. Shame, it seemed like quite a nice town until the 'fun fair' arrived.

Good luck in the competition, and hope you have a good new year. Preferably not as an involuntary exhibit in Mr Razor's Show ...

Patrick

 Comment Written 30-Dec-2014

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reply by the author on 30-Dec-2014

Heh-heh, I sincerely hope not either, Patrick!

Thanks so much for your kind and thoughtful review. I truly appreciate it.

Happy New Year to you & yours, my friend. :)

Comment from mfowler

Excellent

I can see you enjoyed this, d. There's been a lot of fun had in concocting this saga of terror. I really enjoyed the premise, the storytelling, and of course, that 'kick-ass' twist in the freak show. You've done a wonderful job of setting the scene, making Jasper Creek etc, seem very real. The progression over time works really well as a narrative form. Your characterisations, especially of Mickey Miller, are very good, aided greatly by the clever vernacular styled speech. The setting has a wonderfully spooky feel and the old dude with the teeth is a good old fashioned weirdo villain, of the ghostly persuasion. Great yarn. Good luck in the count which is going well at the moment.

 Comment Written 30-Dec-2014

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reply by the author on 30-Dec-2014

Thank you very much, Mark, and I appreciate you taking time out to R&R this story for me. I did have a great deal of fun writing this -- getting into Lenny's mind and trying to picture his journey and mission in life to defeat once and for all Mr.Razor, the fiend who took his friend, Mickey.

Thanks again. I hope you have a very safe and happy 2015. :)

~Dean

Comment from Linda Engel

Exceptional

Nothing like a freak show and a bunch of abnormalities to entice a reader into a night of frightful story telling. Excellent presentation of scare tactics and bullying Mickey leaped onto Lenny.
It is a good thing that Lenny left us his story. His confession of where he had been and what he saw. Mickey will be forever be locked in that tent as Lenny plots his revenge. Sounds like a Part #2 could be coming next year. "The escape of Mickey's Soul" .
I remember the "freaks " at the fair grounds when I was a child in Jacksonville. They all lived in a community in south Florida. My dad made me go in to see the Alligator Woman and the Frog Boy. I was seven. You don't get those images of things in a jar out of your mind.
Excellent ending to 2014 and may we always have the hair stand up on the back of our necks reading your work.

 Comment Written 30-Dec-2014

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reply by the author on 30-Dec-2014

Aw-w-w, you're very kind, Linda, and I do appreciate your generous rating and comments. Thanks for all of the support you've shown me over the course of 2014. I've greatly appreciated it. Here's to more hair-raising thrills, chills and bloody quills in 2015!~

Happy New Year, and thanks again. ;)

Comment from adewpearl

Exceptional

excellent character descriptions - love the point of view of the narrator toward a worldly older kid of 16 LOL
good use of vernacular speech
had his interest peaked - piqued
Oh, that is one creepy ending with the gold teeth and look of recognition - now my skin is crawling and I'm glad it isn't too close to bedtime :-) Brooke

 Comment Written 29-Dec-2014

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reply by the author on 30-Dec-2014

Brooke, my dear friend. You have just made my year complete with your awesome rating and subsequent review. I'm so happy that you enjoyed this because I sure had a great deal of fun writing it. I wanted to show that even at 83 years of age, the elderly can still kick some demonic butt if need be.

Thanks again, Brooke, and have a very safe, happy and prosperous 2015, and beyond. ;)

~Dean

Comment from faragon

Exceptional

Very excellent story! One of my fears is getting caught up in a freak side show. You have managed to keep his fear going! I always enjoy your tales of misbehaving boys getting caught where they are not supposed to be. Good job and a wonderfully gruesome story!

 Comment Written 29-Dec-2014

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reply by the author on 31-Dec-2014

Thanks very much, Jane. I am so very happy that you enjoyed the story. I sure had lots of fun writing it.

Happy New Year! :)

~Dean

Comment from c_lucas

Excellent

Freaks are always part of a carnival. Especially if they are real. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very interesting read. Good luck in your contest.

 Comment Written 29-Dec-2014

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reply by the author on 29-Dec-2014

Thanks a bunch for you thoughtful comments, Charlie. The Freak Show was always my favorite carny attraction, but I doubt that the revelation will surprise you, heh-heh.

Have a safe, happy and prosperous 2015, my friend, and thanks for all of your support in 2014. I won't forget it. :)

reply by c_lucas on 29-Dec-2014

You're welcome.

Comment from Fandoodle

Exceptional

Great, entertaining story with so many pictures to go with it too. I didn't notice any errors. Thanks for sharing it and good luck in the contest. It sounded more like the devil than a ghost fiend however.

 Comment Written 29-Dec-2014

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reply by the author on 29-Dec-2014

Thank you very much for deciding to read and review my work, Fandoodle. I sincerely appreciate that as well as your kind comments and stellar rating.

The "ghost" in this story is the carnival itself. The catalyst behind the freak show is the lovely Mr. Razor, who is indeed an incarnation of the Big Red Guy himself, or the Devil.

Thanks so much again, Fandoodle. Have a safe and Happy New Year in 2015. :}

Comment from gypsycaravan

Exceptional

The bang you hoped for was heard, loud and clear. What a great, riveting story. I had a feeling it would be the 'snake.' You could even make a great sequel to this one. The metaphors and analogies within the story are fabulous. Loved it. Couple typos and misspelled words noticed, but the story was so good, they didn't even distract me as those things generally do. Great job.

 Comment Written 29-Dec-2014

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reply by the author on 29-Dec-2014

Thanks so much, Shirley. If you have the time, please point out those typos and misspellings you found. I have edited this over ten times (at least!), and had hoped I'd weeded them all out.

I sincerely appreciate the stellar rating and your awesome review. Here's to a safe, happy and very prosperous New Year in 2015 for us all.
:)

reply by gypsycaravan on 29-Dec-2014

raising the corners of some of the flaps that was covering different displays -should be ?were?

I'd always managed to located the freak show-should be ?locate?

them pantie wastes--should be ?waists? as you used it

There are some other mistakes as to ?tense,? but it seemed like that is the way the young kid would talk and I wouldn?t change them to be correct.

This is all I saw on a quick run-through again but will look at it closer later. It really is a terrific story.

reply by the author on 29-Dec-2014

Thanks, I'm very grateful to you for doing that for me.

"...raising the corners of some of the flaps that was covering different displays." -should be ?were? -- I used the word "was" intentionally here, in keeping with Lenny's colloquial speech patterns and such.

I've made some other changes based on your suggestions, however,

Thanks so much again! :)