Dark Covenant
Viewing comments for Chapter 9 "Body Heat/Part Two"The Berwick Witches Series: Book One
17 total reviews
Comment from Antoine Charlemaine
Hey, Amahra, another entrancing (and stimulating!) read. Your story flows gracefully and easily and nothing is ever forced. Your intimate scene was tastefully and sensitively written, while still evoking the requisite reactions ;)
Sentences like this create an aura, an atmosphere that sets the tone so well:
'...rocking them both into an emotional frenzy with inaudible utterance that needed no interpretation.'
A couple of suggestions:
'He couldn't get enough of looking at her(;) by now (Kayla) was exhibiting a buzz from her third glass of Mourvedre.'
'...her breast(s) looking like two scoops...'
'...rocking them both into an emotional frenzy with inaudible utterance(s) that needed no interpretation.'
That's it. Well-written and engrossing.
Ant.
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2015
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Hey, Amahra, another entrancing (and stimulating!) read. Your story flows gracefully and easily and nothing is ever forced. Your intimate scene was tastefully and sensitively written, while still evoking the requisite reactions ;)
Sentences like this create an aura, an atmosphere that sets the tone so well:
'...rocking them both into an emotional frenzy with inaudible utterance that needed no interpretation.'
A couple of suggestions:
'He couldn't get enough of looking at her(;) by now (Kayla) was exhibiting a buzz from her third glass of Mourvedre.'
'...her breast(s) looking like two scoops...'
'...rocking them both into an emotional frenzy with inaudible utterance(s) that needed no interpretation.'
That's it. Well-written and engrossing.
Ant.
Comment Written 04-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2015
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Thank you so much, Antoine. I'm really glad you enjoyed it. I made a note of your corrections. I appreciate your sharp eye. Thank you for the stars.
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:)
Comment from Jay Squires
Exellently written Ama. Your love scene was among the very best I've read here. If it were a less experienced writer, I'd have suggested an adult rating, but this was not prurient in nature. It was controlled and beautiful.
"Didn't say I turn it down. I just don't sit in an office all day." [Either, "Didn't say I'D turn it down," OR, "Didn't say I TURNED it down."]
My dad's been pruning me since I was fifteen. [Just clarification. "pruning" TO ME means taking something that's larger and paring it down. I personally would use "grooming"]
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2015
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Exellently written Ama. Your love scene was among the very best I've read here. If it were a less experienced writer, I'd have suggested an adult rating, but this was not prurient in nature. It was controlled and beautiful.
"Didn't say I turn it down. I just don't sit in an office all day." [Either, "Didn't say I'D turn it down," OR, "Didn't say I TURNED it down."]
My dad's been pruning me since I was fifteen. [Just clarification. "pruning" TO ME means taking something that's larger and paring it down. I personally would use "grooming"]
Comment Written 04-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2015
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Thanks, Jay, you're right about grooming instead of pruning. The warning gadget on fanstory isn't working. I contact Tom and told him it's not working. And I also told him that they should fix it so you can see the warning from the author side, that way you'd know if it isn't working. I don't want to offend people who may not want to read it. So I had to type the warning myself in big red letters. I'll make those corrections Jay.
Comment from Selina Stambi
Hi Harriett,
You forgot to put the 'mature' warning on your piece.
Some questions: Was this young high schooler of legal drinking age?
As a mother of two young daughters, I worry about her 'expertise' and with what ease she stepped out of her clothes! And she's still in her teens ....
Well written. Good dialogue. Excellent formatting.
Happy New Year to you. Here's to many writing dreams come true!
Sonali
portrait hanging above the cold (fireplace).
above the flickering (candlelight).
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2015
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Hi Harriett,
You forgot to put the 'mature' warning on your piece.
Some questions: Was this young high schooler of legal drinking age?
As a mother of two young daughters, I worry about her 'expertise' and with what ease she stepped out of her clothes! And she's still in her teens ....
Well written. Good dialogue. Excellent formatting.
Happy New Year to you. Here's to many writing dreams come true!
Sonali
portrait hanging above the cold (fireplace).
above the flickering (candlelight).
Comment Written 04-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2015
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I didn't forget the warning. It's obviously isn't working. So I've placed the warning manually and contact Tom. Thank you for the review and corrections. Happy New Year.
Comment from c_lucas
This is very well written, but you do need a sexual warning on it. Your post has a smooth flow of words, making for a very sensuous read. I did not see any errors. Thee is very good imagery.
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2015
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This is very well written, but you do need a sexual warning on it. Your post has a smooth flow of words, making for a very sensuous read. I did not see any errors. Thee is very good imagery.
Comment Written 04-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2015
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Thanks Charlie. But, see that's just it. I do have a warning on it. But only the reader can see it. So if it's not working, I won't know.
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It's the new format, I was looking under the title. My apologies, Amahra. Charlie
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
This is a well written chapter. You do a wonderful job of setting the scene. I could envision this in my head very easily. I like how you include details without overdoing it. Very well written.
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reply by the author on 04-Jan-2015
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This is a well written chapter. You do a wonderful job of setting the scene. I could envision this in my head very easily. I like how you include details without overdoing it. Very well written.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 04-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2015
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Thank you very much, Michael.
Comment from sumbody32point5
Very well written, the sexuality is really well played from both characters and the tattoo of the mythical beast makes me want to read more into this. I would like to know more about the characters' relationship with one another. For example, it seems that they are getting to know each other, but the dinner together at the man's house seems unusual for a first meeting. Anyways, really good read look forward to more!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2015
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Very well written, the sexuality is really well played from both characters and the tattoo of the mythical beast makes me want to read more into this. I would like to know more about the characters' relationship with one another. For example, it seems that they are getting to know each other, but the dinner together at the man's house seems unusual for a first meeting. Anyways, really good read look forward to more!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 04-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2015
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Thank you very much for reading and reviewing. I really appreciate it. This is their third meeting. They met months ago, and she's been infatuated with him every since.
Comment from pbroussard209
great description, you did a great job in building and the sexual tension and I enjoyed the conversation between the two of them. You kept it natural and realistic. great job.
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2015
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great description, you did a great job in building and the sexual tension and I enjoyed the conversation between the two of them. You kept it natural and realistic. great job.
Comment Written 04-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2015
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Thank you so much. I really appreciate you reading me and for the six stars.
