Wilderness Encounter
Viewing comments for Chapter 15 "Plying her with whiskey"A love story of two loners who meet by accident
3 total reviews
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hi, Catherin,
Interesting chapter.
I suggest that some narration be edited in the narrative parts. Less is more. You want to get your thoughts into the readers head with a few words as possible to make for a smoother read.
~~ SPAG ~~ [] delete () add
There are a lot of SPAG issues that need fixing. I just picked out some obvious ones as I read.
Missing quotes // Unneeded quotes
- it's too dangerous. I'm going back to sleep.(")
-["]Looking at Bo-peep with eyes shooting darts she manages
- You got five minutes. Move it?(")
- As she enters the cave Pebbles ask(s),
~~ Direct address needs a comma.
- "Hey(,) Pebbles, Let's reward ourselves;
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'... Jax (*;*)
reply by the author on 14-Dec-2014
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Hi, Catherin,
Interesting chapter.
I suggest that some narration be edited in the narrative parts. Less is more. You want to get your thoughts into the readers head with a few words as possible to make for a smoother read.
~~ SPAG ~~ [] delete () add
There are a lot of SPAG issues that need fixing. I just picked out some obvious ones as I read.
Missing quotes // Unneeded quotes
- it's too dangerous. I'm going back to sleep.(")
-["]Looking at Bo-peep with eyes shooting darts she manages
- You got five minutes. Move it?(")
- As she enters the cave Pebbles ask(s),
~~ Direct address needs a comma.
- "Hey(,) Pebbles, Let's reward ourselves;
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'... Jax (*;*)
Comment Written 14-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 14-Dec-2014
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Thank you for your very educational review. I look forward to editing the two chapters and making any necessary correction as recommended.
Comment from Larissa B
Grinning as she stands, "Pebbles, not a damn thing. Get your ass in gear we're late with ten miles of rough terrain ahead of us. You got five minutes. Move it?
** Here, you are missing a quotation mark and need to change the punctuation -- from a question mark to an exclamation point.
A lot of commas are missing in many places and also, I think you write as you think and the words-- all your words-- including the inner thoughts and dialogues are extensions of that process. Try and filter the narration out, and the inner thoughts . It will make for smoother read. Just my suggestion. When I write, I check on words that do not add to the core idea and if the sentence can still be a sentence-- grammatically correct and all, then that word is not necessary and needs to be edited. How you make your writing tight instead of looking like it's all over the place.
Also-- Peep, Bo-Peep-- this in particular got me distracted. This refers to one person, right? In many places you use small case letters and in some put it in quotation. Not sure that's needed. If it's a name or nickname, it could just be written as any name and the reader could establish that idea as he/she reads along.
Good luck on your book.:)
Larissa
reply by the author on 14-Dec-2014
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Grinning as she stands, "Pebbles, not a damn thing. Get your ass in gear we're late with ten miles of rough terrain ahead of us. You got five minutes. Move it?
** Here, you are missing a quotation mark and need to change the punctuation -- from a question mark to an exclamation point.
A lot of commas are missing in many places and also, I think you write as you think and the words-- all your words-- including the inner thoughts and dialogues are extensions of that process. Try and filter the narration out, and the inner thoughts . It will make for smoother read. Just my suggestion. When I write, I check on words that do not add to the core idea and if the sentence can still be a sentence-- grammatically correct and all, then that word is not necessary and needs to be edited. How you make your writing tight instead of looking like it's all over the place.
Also-- Peep, Bo-Peep-- this in particular got me distracted. This refers to one person, right? In many places you use small case letters and in some put it in quotation. Not sure that's needed. If it's a name or nickname, it could just be written as any name and the reader could establish that idea as he/she reads along.
Good luck on your book.:)
Larissa
Comment Written 14-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 14-Dec-2014
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Thank you for taking the time to read and review chapter 15. I will look at the items you mentioned for editing. Again, Thank you.
Comment from robina1978
When I opened this as the title attracted me, I did not realise it was quite far in a book. Maybe a suggestion is to write a small intro with every chapter. Even though somewhat in the dark it sounds like an interesting book.
reply by the author on 13-Dec-2014
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When I opened this as the title attracted me, I did not realise it was quite far in a book. Maybe a suggestion is to write a small intro with every chapter. Even though somewhat in the dark it sounds like an interesting book.
Comment Written 13-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 13-Dec-2014
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Thank you, Robina1978, for your review; and your suggestion. I appreciate you stopping by, please do so again.
