Chasing of the Wind.
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "Father Francis Christo Mendez"Conflict between the Human Needs and the Divinity
2 total reviews
Comment from Edward J
A very well written and enjoyable story. My only suggestion would be to show us more. A little bit - when the wife is pestering us - you show us it. You use dialogue to show them fighting. That helps bring them to life. Overall, well done.
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2014
  |
A very well written and enjoyable story. My only suggestion would be to show us more. A little bit - when the wife is pestering us - you show us it. You use dialogue to show them fighting. That helps bring them to life. Overall, well done.
Comment Written 10-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2014
-
Thanks Edward for the encouraging words and 5 stars. I wanted to move quickly on to the main character and drop off irrelevant individuals after the initial introductions. The story is evolving into two subjects. Spirituality in the Jesus' teaching and acceptance of others as they are and leaving the desire and freedom to change in the hands of individuals who we may think are different than us. I learnt in my life that I can change myself but can only hope others will if they want to. Best regards.-Arun
Comment from Jay Squires
This is an odd combination of classical writing style but with many writing errors. The content is cogent and entertaining. Structurally, it jars the reader because of the grammatical errors.
I had to deduct a star for the SPAG.
However, if you let me know when the corrections have been made I will gladly return your star.
"I would rather be at sea talking to stoves, the chickens and pigs; they don't say nothing to me even if I cuss"; [you need a comma BEFORE the closed quote. Remove the semicolon. I see you've done this more than once. You always precede the quote mark with a comma, if the sentence is continued after the dialogue tag, or a period if it ends there.]
"I haven't seen you at the Sunday Mass", [same as above.>> since this is a recurring problem I won't bother to point each instance out.]
Frankie was admonished often [Paragraph spacing error]
was not always discreet about it and say so in front of the Padre. [... and WOULD say so ... >> without the WOULD it sounds like you mean part of being discrete is mentioning it in front of the Padre.]
Mendez were wealthy land owners of bygone era [If you are speaking of his family it would be: [The Mendez's were wealthy...]
poorer sort of folks who couldn't't come up [folks who COULDN'T come.]
. Frankie just couldn't't think of doing to Miriam [I thought the above misspell was an oversight, but you did it again.]
I want to mention, though it may be out of order, that you use entirely too many semicolons when commas would be better.
routines and their well-choreographed matriarchal life. [matriarchal?? life>> Do you mean marital?]
just a day's journey, but couldn't't come home [same error as before.]
************************************************************
Here is your star back, Arun. Thanks for letting me know. Reads very well, but you still missed a few Paragraph spaces.
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2014
|
This is an odd combination of classical writing style but with many writing errors. The content is cogent and entertaining. Structurally, it jars the reader because of the grammatical errors.
I had to deduct a star for the SPAG.
However, if you let me know when the corrections have been made I will gladly return your star.
"I would rather be at sea talking to stoves, the chickens and pigs; they don't say nothing to me even if I cuss"; [you need a comma BEFORE the closed quote. Remove the semicolon. I see you've done this more than once. You always precede the quote mark with a comma, if the sentence is continued after the dialogue tag, or a period if it ends there.]
"I haven't seen you at the Sunday Mass", [same as above.>> since this is a recurring problem I won't bother to point each instance out.]
Frankie was admonished often [Paragraph spacing error]
was not always discreet about it and say so in front of the Padre. [... and WOULD say so ... >> without the WOULD it sounds like you mean part of being discrete is mentioning it in front of the Padre.]
Mendez were wealthy land owners of bygone era [If you are speaking of his family it would be: [The Mendez's were wealthy...]
poorer sort of folks who couldn't't come up [folks who COULDN'T come.]
. Frankie just couldn't't think of doing to Miriam [I thought the above misspell was an oversight, but you did it again.]
I want to mention, though it may be out of order, that you use entirely too many semicolons when commas would be better.
routines and their well-choreographed matriarchal life. [matriarchal?? life>> Do you mean marital?]
just a day's journey, but couldn't't come home [same error as before.]
************************************************************
Here is your star back, Arun. Thanks for letting me know. Reads very well, but you still missed a few Paragraph spaces.
Comment Written 10-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2014
-
Thanks Jay for your review. Part of the problem like leftover alphabet from the 'replaced word', came because of using spell check provided by the Fanstory. I corrected them and my poor editing skills caused the "," issues in spite of knowing the rule. The other issues related to clarification of sentences and inappropriate use of semicolons, I have corrected. I will let you know after I edit the text one more time to ensure all corrections are in. I was planning to get all my works edited before I publish them on paperback or e-book media. I appreciate your feed back and will not rush to up load the chapters again. The difficulty I encounter here is that I have to memorize your comments as two pages (My text and your comment page) cannot be opened side by side nor I can copy and past in MS Word. Thanks again. Best regards. -Arun
-
Do let me know, Arun. I do enjoy your style and find your voice unique. I'm glad to see you're attending to the corrections. And, by the way, thanks again for the nomination.
-
Thanks for the review. It is a first draft and I should have waited to edit it but impatiens to get the work out in front of readers wins. I will edit it and let you know.
-
I would appreciate your letting me know, even though I forgot to deduct the star. But it's the thought that counts, Niyuta. Correct?
-
Stars only elevate ego. Good critics help improving skills.
-
It is the cost of my carelessness. I learned the lesson and now edit the chapters before loading. Thanks.
-
Thanks I will do so.
