Poisoned Parasol
I thought I'd gotten away with it...126 total reviews
Comment from c_lucas
Our sins will always find us out. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a macabre read. Good job. I could not find Fanstory Classic.
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Our sins will always find us out. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a macabre read. Good job. I could not find Fanstory Classic.
Comment Written 07-Dec-2014
Comment from tfawcus
And it is ever thus! Consumed by our own guilt. I did enjoy the slithery sibilance of the insistent intrusion of your cyanide victim and there is a lovely sense of rising panic in:
"Twirling, twirling, ever whirling --
reeling, kneeling, my head was swirling,"
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2014
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And it is ever thus! Consumed by our own guilt. I did enjoy the slithery sibilance of the insistent intrusion of your cyanide victim and there is a lovely sense of rising panic in:
"Twirling, twirling, ever whirling --
reeling, kneeling, my head was swirling,"
Comment Written 07-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2014
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Thanks so much, Tony, and that's precisely the reaction I'd hoped that particular stanza would evoke in readers. As usual, I'm very grateful for your thoughtful review and appreciate your support, my friend. :)
~Dean
Comment from Dr. Nad
I may be new but I have found in your work a simple, sincere yet striking creativity. So far, each of your poems have taken me on a marvelous adventure that twists and turns around a familiar scene that I have oft seen before but then you help me realize I have never seen THAT before at all. I learn from you! Thanks for SHARING!, I thought I'd gotten away with it...Poisoned Parasol God Bless You!
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2014
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I may be new but I have found in your work a simple, sincere yet striking creativity. So far, each of your poems have taken me on a marvelous adventure that twists and turns around a familiar scene that I have oft seen before but then you help me realize I have never seen THAT before at all. I learn from you! Thanks for SHARING!, I thought I'd gotten away with it...Poisoned Parasol God Bless You!
Comment Written 07-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2014
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Thanks, Dr. Nad, sir, and that is so very kind of you to say so, my friend.
Author Stephen King once wrote in his book, "Stephen King on Writing: A Memoir of the Craft" why writers feel compelled to write as strongly as they do, and I quote...
"Writing isn't about making money, getting rich, getting famous, getting dates, or making friends. In the end, it's about enriching the lives of those who will read your work, and enriching your own life, as well. It's about getting up, getting well, and getting over. Getting happy, okay? Getting happy. Writing is magic, as much the water of life as any other creative art. The water is free, so drink. Drink -- and be filled up."
So, that being said, thanks very much again for the fabulous compliment, Dr. Nad, sir.
May God bless you & yours as well. :)
Comment from CheyLGwriter
I love this piece. I need 4 more stars to give it, it's true rating. Scary when a scorned mate comes back for revenge. Especially if they are dead. Thanks for sharing a great read. Truly Awesome.
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I love this piece. I need 4 more stars to give it, it's true rating. Scary when a scorned mate comes back for revenge. Especially if they are dead. Thanks for sharing a great read. Truly Awesome.
Comment Written 07-Dec-2014
Comment from Delahay
I do not like the "new and improved" version of FanStory. I do, however, like your macabre poem. It is very well written and tells such a delicious story of revenge. The video clip included is also quite intriguing. I would like to know how you manage to make and include those. It adds such a wonderful visual to your story.
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I do not like the "new and improved" version of FanStory. I do, however, like your macabre poem. It is very well written and tells such a delicious story of revenge. The video clip included is also quite intriguing. I would like to know how you manage to make and include those. It adds such a wonderful visual to your story.
Comment Written 07-Dec-2014
Comment from vfbryant
OK, so you've persuaded me to give up plans on murdering my husband...ghastly piece, totally intriguing. Love the image of death, and the comic irony of the parasol. Well written, and frightfully funny.
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2014
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OK, so you've persuaded me to give up plans on murdering my husband...ghastly piece, totally intriguing. Love the image of death, and the comic irony of the parasol. Well written, and frightfully funny.
Comment Written 07-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2014
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Whew! That's a good thing, right, vfbryant? No one wishes to have someone else's blood on their hands. That's why they created rubber gloves, LOL...
Thanks so much for the thoughtful review. I do appreciate it.
Comment from Jay Squires
I hope you explained the SNAFU with Tom. There are more and more examples of problems that, if Tom doesn't get it straightened out he's gonna lose some otherwise loyal subscribers.
This poem is up to your impeccably high standards of horrible. It always amazes me how you tell a story in verse that his cohesive, entertaining, and daggumit keeps the meter skipping along!
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I hope you explained the SNAFU with Tom. There are more and more examples of problems that, if Tom doesn't get it straightened out he's gonna lose some otherwise loyal subscribers.
This poem is up to your impeccably high standards of horrible. It always amazes me how you tell a story in verse that his cohesive, entertaining, and daggumit keeps the meter skipping along!
Comment Written 07-Dec-2014
Comment from Dorothy Farrell
Hi Dean - Very well written and 'viewed' on the old system fine. I don't know how you keep thinking of these stories and manage always to achieve a story in perfect rhyme - this one in good aabb form. Good use of alliteration in 'suppress a scream' 'towering tall, whilst twirling' 'slithered slow' alongside others. Such a good read - Warm regards Dorothy xx
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Hi Dean - Very well written and 'viewed' on the old system fine. I don't know how you keep thinking of these stories and manage always to achieve a story in perfect rhyme - this one in good aabb form. Good use of alliteration in 'suppress a scream' 'towering tall, whilst twirling' 'slithered slow' alongside others. Such a good read - Warm regards Dorothy xx
Comment Written 07-Dec-2014
Comment from Just2Write
Oh, I love it when a wife gets her revenge. He may have 'offed the bitch' but the bitch got him back. Ooo - Hell hath no fury, like a woman scorned - or poisoned either, I guess.
Fantastic tale-telling in this dark poem. The meter bounces around quite a bit - you start in iambic tetrameter, and then switch intermittently to trochee tetrameter, and sometimes mixing meter within a line. Some lines are 8 syllables and some 10, without a pattern of where the length will vary. It works, but most people want to settle in to a regular rhythm when reading a poem - especially longer works. Sometimes, a poet will change meter for effect - but I didn't discern that this was the case here.
She came to me, as in a dream[.]
[W]hile trying to suppress a scream,
I tried rememb'ring where I'd seen
a creature as lovely, s-s-s-o s-s-s-serpentine. (10)
this lovely thing, s-s-s-o s-s-s-serpentine. (8)
whilst twirling her horrid parasol. (9) suggestion:
whilst twirling her grim parasol. (8) -or-
and twirled her horrid parasol (8)
'other women' with whom you've lain..."
(eight syllables - but meter is Trochee)
O-ther WOM-en WITH whom YOU'VE lain
Twirling, twirling, ever whirling --
(Trochee meter)
reeling, kneeling, (trochee) my head was swirling, (iambic)
The balance of the poem has similar mixes of meter. When reciting this I think it does smooth out, but reading it is a tad choppy.
Perfectly gruesome tale, Deano. Wouldn't it be awesome if all murdered people could come back and 'invite' their murderers to join them in Hell? There'd be a whole lot less killing going on.... That's for sure.
Rose.
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2014
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Oh, I love it when a wife gets her revenge. He may have 'offed the bitch' but the bitch got him back. Ooo - Hell hath no fury, like a woman scorned - or poisoned either, I guess.
Fantastic tale-telling in this dark poem. The meter bounces around quite a bit - you start in iambic tetrameter, and then switch intermittently to trochee tetrameter, and sometimes mixing meter within a line. Some lines are 8 syllables and some 10, without a pattern of where the length will vary. It works, but most people want to settle in to a regular rhythm when reading a poem - especially longer works. Sometimes, a poet will change meter for effect - but I didn't discern that this was the case here.
She came to me, as in a dream[.]
[W]hile trying to suppress a scream,
I tried rememb'ring where I'd seen
a creature as lovely, s-s-s-o s-s-s-serpentine. (10)
this lovely thing, s-s-s-o s-s-s-serpentine. (8)
whilst twirling her horrid parasol. (9) suggestion:
whilst twirling her grim parasol. (8) -or-
and twirled her horrid parasol (8)
'other women' with whom you've lain..."
(eight syllables - but meter is Trochee)
O-ther WOM-en WITH whom YOU'VE lain
Twirling, twirling, ever whirling --
(Trochee meter)
reeling, kneeling, (trochee) my head was swirling, (iambic)
The balance of the poem has similar mixes of meter. When reciting this I think it does smooth out, but reading it is a tad choppy.
Perfectly gruesome tale, Deano. Wouldn't it be awesome if all murdered people could come back and 'invite' their murderers to join them in Hell? There'd be a whole lot less killing going on.... That's for sure.
Rose.
Comment Written 07-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2014
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Thanks so much for your indepth review and wonderful suggestions, Rose That change in meter in the fifth stanza was completely intentional. I wanted it to feel a bit jangled, rattled, but stick closely to the meter I'd already chosen as closely as best I could.
I made several edits based on your suggestions. I truly appreciate the assistance! :)
~Dean
Comment from ravenblack
I hope that new coke did not mess up your fifth stanza. The twirling, whirling not only complements the photo, but gives the piece a surreal reality as if the victim is hypnotized by the heaviness of the dream made real. My head was swirling - madness, the repetition of twirling in a way reminding me of " The Bells" ( my favorite of Poe' s). Excellent poem. Now run out and get yourself a bar of Almond Joy.
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2014
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I hope that new coke did not mess up your fifth stanza. The twirling, whirling not only complements the photo, but gives the piece a surreal reality as if the victim is hypnotized by the heaviness of the dream made real. My head was swirling - madness, the repetition of twirling in a way reminding me of " The Bells" ( my favorite of Poe' s). Excellent poem. Now run out and get yourself a bar of Almond Joy.
Comment Written 07-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2014
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Hah, I will, Ed, and thanks. You picked up on that fifth stanza quite nicely as I just responded to another reviewer why it was written the way it was. I wanted it to feel disorienting, and a bit jumbled, but stick to the meter as best as I could.
Thanks for the great R&R. As always, I do appreciate it and value your opinion very highly. :}
~Dean
