Of Mice and Women
Short Story44 total reviews
Comment from Michaelk
You, Mikey are a true conniver. Even though it says fiction at the top, I could see you trying this at twelve years old...and again around fifty or so. :)
You built your story so well. You set the foundation and then just built on it. My favorite line was why do ducks fly south. Your usual blend of great storytelling with wry humor permeates this piece. The cries of the women as they tried to get the mice out of their pants were hysterical. This could've easily fit in the revenge co test as well.
Well done. I can't imagine what you trained the cats to eat. :)
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You, Mikey are a true conniver. Even though it says fiction at the top, I could see you trying this at twelve years old...and again around fifty or so. :)
You built your story so well. You set the foundation and then just built on it. My favorite line was why do ducks fly south. Your usual blend of great storytelling with wry humor permeates this piece. The cries of the women as they tried to get the mice out of their pants were hysterical. This could've easily fit in the revenge co test as well.
Well done. I can't imagine what you trained the cats to eat. :)
Comment Written 08-Dec-2014
Comment from Mary Ann MCPhedran
A WELL WRITTEN Story with good imagery and storyline. I enjoyed the flow of the story and it was easy to read. I found no reason to suggest any changes. Mary
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A WELL WRITTEN Story with good imagery and storyline. I enjoyed the flow of the story and it was easy to read. I found no reason to suggest any changes. Mary
Comment Written 08-Dec-2014
Comment from rjuselius
haha. lol. lmao. rotf. this has a priceless ending! i laughed so hard i got teary. the whole story is read mesmerized with the pure wit you have written it in! just genius:)
thank you for sharing! virtual six!!!
rebekka x
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haha. lol. lmao. rotf. this has a priceless ending! i laughed so hard i got teary. the whole story is read mesmerized with the pure wit you have written it in! just genius:)
thank you for sharing! virtual six!!!
rebekka x
Comment Written 08-Dec-2014
Comment from Jumbo J
Hi Mike,
I must say, a very creative plot. Your story read smoothly and had entertainment value all the way... just wondering how this little terrorist is going to fair when the hoity man folk work out where all the mice came from? That many purchased mice may be a dead give away... let's hope the shop owner thought it as good of a prank as what i did and clams up... and what a way to end the evening mice, men and well let's just call them pussy cats to keep it all 'G' rated scattering the floor... yeah, I think someone's in for a tarring.
Sorry you missed the contest with this one... very entertaining.
I mean it old school,... check comma spacing...
'revlsive' a very strong reaction over some old ladies panties don't you think?...
I(hear) (y'all) a hollerin'
with our thoughts we create,
a fury affair,
James.
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2014
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Hi Mike,
I must say, a very creative plot. Your story read smoothly and had entertainment value all the way... just wondering how this little terrorist is going to fair when the hoity man folk work out where all the mice came from? That many purchased mice may be a dead give away... let's hope the shop owner thought it as good of a prank as what i did and clams up... and what a way to end the evening mice, men and well let's just call them pussy cats to keep it all 'G' rated scattering the floor... yeah, I think someone's in for a tarring.
Sorry you missed the contest with this one... very entertaining.
I mean it old school,... check comma spacing...
'revlsive' a very strong reaction over some old ladies panties don't you think?...
I(hear) (y'all) a hollerin'
with our thoughts we create,
a fury affair,
James.
Comment Written 08-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2014
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Well, the contest called for a terrorist plot that failed. I got halfway into it and I figured there was no way it was going to fail! I may have to have the mice come from someone with a reason to get even or a buddy who breeds them. Maybe, he's a weird kid and breads them for his pet gator. I guess to a 12 year old granny panties are pretty gross. But, yeah, he does have awfully high standards! I woke my wife up laughing at "a fury affair". Hahaha!!! mikey
Comment from Green Lake Girl
Mice and panties. Amazing imagination you have there, Mikey! Or is this a true story? LOL Sorry you missed the contest. Takes some time getting used to the new system. I still think it's an improvement over the "old" site.
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Mice and panties. Amazing imagination you have there, Mikey! Or is this a true story? LOL Sorry you missed the contest. Takes some time getting used to the new system. I still think it's an improvement over the "old" site.
Comment Written 07-Dec-2014
Comment from bob cullen
What a great read and very nearly the best last three words I've ever read.
In my opinion, this could easily feature in a how-to-write short story text book. It commences with a little background history of the major character, his and his family's grim circumstances prior to launching into the plot.
Then comes the planning, the gathering of knickers, the purchasing of mice and then the training of the mice. The reader is still unaware of the actual plot.
All in all a brilliant read. I've just upgraded it to a six
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What a great read and very nearly the best last three words I've ever read.
In my opinion, this could easily feature in a how-to-write short story text book. It commences with a little background history of the major character, his and his family's grim circumstances prior to launching into the plot.
Then comes the planning, the gathering of knickers, the purchasing of mice and then the training of the mice. The reader is still unaware of the actual plot.
All in all a brilliant read. I've just upgraded it to a six
Comment Written 07-Dec-2014
Comment from Antoine Charlemaine
Apart from questioning the ability of your mind to dream up these things...this is SO brilliant! I cacked myself right through this light-hearted romp. You have a wicked sense of humour, Michael. Very, very well-written and executed, right down to the final sick twist at the end. Sick...but clever.
'"Francis(.)" (T)hat one word would signal his entrance to the ring.' How about a stop after 'Francis' and start a new sentence?
'Well, at least (for) people interested in such a thing.' Think you need 'for' in there.
'I here ya'll a hollerin' an a sympathizin' ' Spelling - hear
'revulsive' - is that a word? 'repulsion' is a noun, but I think (could be wrong) you need 'repulsive' here. (Just got to the end and read your notes - oh well...you can do what you like with it - as you did with this whole story! ;)
Very amusing little yarn, Michael. Loved it.
Ant.
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Apart from questioning the ability of your mind to dream up these things...this is SO brilliant! I cacked myself right through this light-hearted romp. You have a wicked sense of humour, Michael. Very, very well-written and executed, right down to the final sick twist at the end. Sick...but clever.
'"Francis(.)" (T)hat one word would signal his entrance to the ring.' How about a stop after 'Francis' and start a new sentence?
'Well, at least (for) people interested in such a thing.' Think you need 'for' in there.
'I here ya'll a hollerin' an a sympathizin' ' Spelling - hear
'revulsive' - is that a word? 'repulsion' is a noun, but I think (could be wrong) you need 'repulsive' here. (Just got to the end and read your notes - oh well...you can do what you like with it - as you did with this whole story! ;)
Very amusing little yarn, Michael. Loved it.
Ant.
Comment Written 07-Dec-2014
Comment from JBCaine
Michael-
This has some good humor in it, and you brought the story to life in the reader's imagination. Anyone who didn't laugh at the visual of the feeding frenzy either has no imagination, or has their own panties wadded a bit too tightly.
Funny how stereotypes along this particular bent are perfectly acceptable, even to the point of ridiculing them.
Anyway, bald head really should be two words, and while your use of revulsive is not wrong, the word has a completely different connotation, in actual usage, than the word revulsion. Your world, though, and your word.
I was left wondering how an extremely poor 12-year-old could afford 40 feeder mice, and rather disturbed at his stealing of panties, something generally considered a fairly twisted practice.
Good work with some sparks of great.
JBCaine-
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Michael-
This has some good humor in it, and you brought the story to life in the reader's imagination. Anyone who didn't laugh at the visual of the feeding frenzy either has no imagination, or has their own panties wadded a bit too tightly.
Funny how stereotypes along this particular bent are perfectly acceptable, even to the point of ridiculing them.
Anyway, bald head really should be two words, and while your use of revulsive is not wrong, the word has a completely different connotation, in actual usage, than the word revulsion. Your world, though, and your word.
I was left wondering how an extremely poor 12-year-old could afford 40 feeder mice, and rather disturbed at his stealing of panties, something generally considered a fairly twisted practice.
Good work with some sparks of great.
JBCaine-
Comment Written 07-Dec-2014
Comment from Sasha
This is hysterical and got me laughing out loud. You have the most amazing imagination and awesome ability to put it into words. Marvelous work with this one. Doesn't get much better than this.
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This is hysterical and got me laughing out loud. You have the most amazing imagination and awesome ability to put it into words. Marvelous work with this one. Doesn't get much better than this.
Comment Written 07-Dec-2014
Comment from Caroline Yego
You are great! To my standards, you are accomplished writer. I admire your unique way of writing:words just tumble freely from your mind. excellent work.
Carol
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You are great! To my standards, you are accomplished writer. I admire your unique way of writing:words just tumble freely from your mind. excellent work.
Carol
Comment Written 07-Dec-2014
