Vision and Sound: Their Stories
Viewing comments for Chapter 41 "Forces Start To Muster"Two souls that meet as strangers on earth.
17 total reviews
Comment from Jay Squires
Hey, Mikey. I was afraid I was going to be in one of those awkward situations of having to give 4 stars because of SPAG, when the content is always 6 caliber. I only allow 4 SPAGs before deducting. If I counted the ellipsis concern it would have been 4 stars (though I always return it when the corrections are made.) Since that was a borderline issue I didn't include it.
Here are my concerns, below:
As the two woman [As the two women]
It is but here first day on the job." [It is but HER first day]
Why the notion is folly, it is an absur...." [For cutting a person off, Mikey, use a double dash (or elongated "M" Dash). The three dot ellipsis is used more for a trailing off in mid sentence. (You might want to delete the next sentence about Lourdes in order to accentuate the interruption. But the sentence probably should be deleted anyway, being an unnecessary understatement.]
self-righteousness screams from a mountain top [great metaphor]
"There son is beset with visions. [THEIR son is beset with visions.]
The chapter is about to reach a crisis point. Good foreshadowing of problems to come.
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Hey, Mikey. I was afraid I was going to be in one of those awkward situations of having to give 4 stars because of SPAG, when the content is always 6 caliber. I only allow 4 SPAGs before deducting. If I counted the ellipsis concern it would have been 4 stars (though I always return it when the corrections are made.) Since that was a borderline issue I didn't include it.
Here are my concerns, below:
As the two woman [As the two women]
It is but here first day on the job." [It is but HER first day]
Why the notion is folly, it is an absur...." [For cutting a person off, Mikey, use a double dash (or elongated "M" Dash). The three dot ellipsis is used more for a trailing off in mid sentence. (You might want to delete the next sentence about Lourdes in order to accentuate the interruption. But the sentence probably should be deleted anyway, being an unnecessary understatement.]
self-righteousness screams from a mountain top [great metaphor]
"There son is beset with visions. [THEIR son is beset with visions.]
The chapter is about to reach a crisis point. Good foreshadowing of problems to come.
Comment Written 05-Nov-2014
Comment from nancy_e_davis
The only problem I have with your story is mine. Keeping the people straight. The names are so strange. I saw a couple of mistakes.
It is but here first day (It is but her first day)
There son is beset (Their son is beset)
Your idea is great, touching on how they addressed mental illness in the dark ages. It had to be terrible. xx Nancy
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The only problem I have with your story is mine. Keeping the people straight. The names are so strange. I saw a couple of mistakes.
It is but here first day (It is but her first day)
There son is beset (Their son is beset)
Your idea is great, touching on how they addressed mental illness in the dark ages. It had to be terrible. xx Nancy
Comment Written 05-Nov-2014
Comment from ProjectBluebook
Damn, looks like these guys just arrived on the Mayflower. It looks shipshape GRAMMAR WISE. Tight as an oil drum. Looks nice. The author notes are a life saver. It's easy to forget who is who. I already glanced at them to get a better sense of what's happening. A very useful tool -- the author notes are. Cassius snick on Valerius and Julia who were kissing? I knew there would be romance in the air, sneaky one. Lol! The brother broke up and surprise the love mates. This chapter is heating up, I see. I see how they speak simple sentences and somewhat brief, mimicking the time and language, slang. Is it difficult to WRITE IN THIS MANNER, or must it take time to train your mind to write using this method. I can discern that this is a ancient time by the manner you speak via the wide diversity of characters. Looks like a warning has come from the old lady. Nicely told chapter full of events and what may come? I noticed that you write prose methodical, like you are carefully choosing your words, lots of in-debth study before the stroke of the quill, Apprentice Cahill. I say, you are honing a skill. One I need to pay attention to to improve my self worth. Victory! on a sweet chapter well penned and thought out; looks really nice, i must add. I fall short of the six biscuits in a wicker basket from the female peasant walking down a narrow pathway. A wolf has knocked the winch over and stole a biscuit from the girl, Floretina. The prtecting wolves are hungry Miss. Floretina. Count your doubloon. Sir Cahill. I saw you stroll down Hermit's road. (humor)
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Damn, looks like these guys just arrived on the Mayflower. It looks shipshape GRAMMAR WISE. Tight as an oil drum. Looks nice. The author notes are a life saver. It's easy to forget who is who. I already glanced at them to get a better sense of what's happening. A very useful tool -- the author notes are. Cassius snick on Valerius and Julia who were kissing? I knew there would be romance in the air, sneaky one. Lol! The brother broke up and surprise the love mates. This chapter is heating up, I see. I see how they speak simple sentences and somewhat brief, mimicking the time and language, slang. Is it difficult to WRITE IN THIS MANNER, or must it take time to train your mind to write using this method. I can discern that this is a ancient time by the manner you speak via the wide diversity of characters. Looks like a warning has come from the old lady. Nicely told chapter full of events and what may come? I noticed that you write prose methodical, like you are carefully choosing your words, lots of in-debth study before the stroke of the quill, Apprentice Cahill. I say, you are honing a skill. One I need to pay attention to to improve my self worth. Victory! on a sweet chapter well penned and thought out; looks really nice, i must add. I fall short of the six biscuits in a wicker basket from the female peasant walking down a narrow pathway. A wolf has knocked the winch over and stole a biscuit from the girl, Floretina. The prtecting wolves are hungry Miss. Floretina. Count your doubloon. Sir Cahill. I saw you stroll down Hermit's road. (humor)
Comment Written 05-Nov-2014
Comment from emrpoems
Well written with eloquent language as usual.
Good structure and developed so that the story moves along at a steady pace.
Good use of narrative and natural dialogue.
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Well written with eloquent language as usual.
Good structure and developed so that the story moves along at a steady pace.
Good use of narrative and natural dialogue.
Comment Written 05-Nov-2014
Comment from Gargantuan2
The story progresses nicely. It has a nice flow to it, but I did spot a couple of things:
It is but here first day
It is but her first day
There son is beset
Their son is beset
Minor, but important. I look forward to the next installment :)
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The story progresses nicely. It has a nice flow to it, but I did spot a couple of things:
It is but here first day
It is but her first day
There son is beset
Their son is beset
Minor, but important. I look forward to the next installment :)
Comment Written 05-Nov-2014
Comment from Michaelk
So now, instead of looking like a hopeless situation for Julia and Florentia, it seems the tide may be turning and some strength in numbers may be in order. What will win out religious fervor or common sense? I like the teenage romance awkwardness of Julia and Valerius. It's cute. It's also nice to see Trellitia feeling more part of the group. How's this for an unexpected twist.
Leopold gets everyone all riled up and has Julia at the stake ready to be burned when Trellitia casts a magic spell to draw attention to herself and says Julia was under her spell the whole time. They burn her at the stake, allowing her to sacrifice herself willingly to save the others.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
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So now, instead of looking like a hopeless situation for Julia and Florentia, it seems the tide may be turning and some strength in numbers may be in order. What will win out religious fervor or common sense? I like the teenage romance awkwardness of Julia and Valerius. It's cute. It's also nice to see Trellitia feeling more part of the group. How's this for an unexpected twist.
Leopold gets everyone all riled up and has Julia at the stake ready to be burned when Trellitia casts a magic spell to draw attention to herself and says Julia was under her spell the whole time. They burn her at the stake, allowing her to sacrifice herself willingly to save the others.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 05-Nov-2014
Comment from CR Delport
Although I love the interplay between Julia and Cassius after he caught them kissing, I am not sure it is suited to the situation. Trellitia already indicated the urgency and I think Cassius grasped that when he went to search for Julia and Valerius. Yet, when he found them there was no urgency. Just my thoughts. This is still a great story that I do enjoy.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
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Although I love the interplay between Julia and Cassius after he caught them kissing, I am not sure it is suited to the situation. Trellitia already indicated the urgency and I think Cassius grasped that when he went to search for Julia and Valerius. Yet, when he found them there was no urgency. Just my thoughts. This is still a great story that I do enjoy.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 05-Nov-2014
