Comment from Lovinia

Excellent

Hi Mikey

Sorry I missed this one. I can sure see why you won. A master of the sonnet now ... you've worked hard. Perfect meter as far as I can tell .. though I'm sure the experts know. An excellent read and great rhyme with a perfectly smooth flow. I love the concept. I love the closing couplet. Well time sure isn't going to defeat you. Forever young comes to mind.

"You clasp with claws untender 'round my throat,
excited by my trembling tear soaked lips.
Each whispered plea for mercy softly floats,
you hear me not while focused on your grip."

My favourite verse. Really draws the reader in and though dark and dire it has the melody of a love sonnet of olde. Making up words I see? hehehe! ... love that. Great alliteration in the "clasp/claws", "trembling/tear", "floats/focus". Great consonance of 'l', 'y' which really adds to the affect in "mercy/softly and softly/floats", assonance of 'o' in "throat/soaked/softly/floats". Yadda yadda - I won't go through all the fabulous poetic technique you've used here... and that's just one verse.

I enjoyed your take on this boastful beast .... thinks it has power over the immortal soul of Mikey Cahill .... huh! Like a little dance with the devil. Well done ... haven't you come a long way since learning meter ... there might be hope for me yet. Well done and congratulations, another fine win. Hugs - Lovi xoxoxo

I hesitate with a six ...you've already won! I might keep it for a more current one. :)))

 Comment Written 27-Oct-2014

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reply by the author on 27-Oct-2014

Hi! I was just over singin' in the rain with your bush warbler!! Wow, you make it sound like I know what I'm doing. Well, I'll just go right along with you on that. Hahaha. I do think I have the meter though. This is the very first one with zero help. I am truly shocked to win this. The alliteration is mostly intentional. I wonder if people do the consonance and assonance intentionally. I think it is more of an instinct. There is more than hope for you, it is a certainty if you want to learn it, you will. I swear I couldn't get a single line straight when I first tried. I just started writing sonnets, posting them and waited for the help. Slowly it seeped in thru the small fissures in my skull. MFowler had just about the same experience and the same result. He can knock one off with ease now. I was still begging for help with my puppy poem. Massive adulation and praise is always better than a six. :)) mikey

reply by Lovinia on 27-Oct-2014

Hi Mikey

I do enjoy some good allit. I know what you mean, perhaps not a conscious effort for assonance and consonance ... though I do think the 'sound' of the word plays a role in what words we use.

LOL I remember your frustration when you first started writing the meter. I don't have the time to concentrate on sonnets (much as I would like to) ... at the moment just trying to get a better knowledge of the Japanese short forms and improve my free verse. I would like to concentrate a bit more on prose also.

Adulation ..... oh yes oh great one!!!!

I'm pleased you found the singing in the rain play with "shower".
I was wondering if you still had the bird shop. I don't usually post haiku with an image ... this photo by cleo85 was just too irresistible. Hugs - Lovi xoxoxo

Comment from Darkhorse555

Excellent

i see congratulations is in the pipe line on this piece mikey really love how it just rolled down very beautifully penned dear pal

 Comment Written 25-Oct-2014

Comment from Diny

Excellent

congratulations!- bravo...
Well deserved!

As sonnets go this is well done...
And I love the theme of TIME and you expressed and wrote this beautifully!

Write on

Diny

 Comment Written 25-Oct-2014

Comment from ravenblack

Excellent

So true, particularly when coupled with your author notes. Time is something to dance around, to blow raspberries at. Just keep moving and let time stand still. Congrats on the win

 Comment Written 24-Oct-2014

Comment from seaglass

Excellent

This is an interesting concept about time. It's a challenge to define a fluid idea like time. From your perception I read it as a fearful enemy that must be ignored to survive as long as possible. I also like your word "untender". I make up words all the time. I've used terderless before.

 Comment Written 24-Oct-2014

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reply by the author on 24-Oct-2014

Love made up words. I can't believe they never thought of them before. This is doing pretty well. Lots of great entries. Fingers crossed. Thank you, mikey

Comment from Sankey

Excellent

Interesting poem my friend. Thanks for sharing. Loved the great art work as well. Good work all round. Looking forward to some more of your novel.

 Comment Written 24-Oct-2014

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reply by the author on 24-Oct-2014

Glad you liked it. A lot of good entries. I'll cross my fingers! More novel coming. Writing now. :) mikey

Comment from MissMerri

Excellent

I enjoyed your time poem so much. It is creative and in perfect meter and rhyme. I could find nothing I didn't admire. Best of luck in this contest. MM

 Comment Written 24-Oct-2014

Comment from rama devi

Excellent

You clasp with claws untender 'round my throat,
excited by my trembling tear soaked lips.


Wow--what an intense opening, my friend. Superb assonance between throat and soaked...almost sound like internal rhyme. I like your coinage of UNTENDER...which has a nice resonant of the sound T echoes in the alliterated trembling teat. Food alliteration of C as well.

Nice internal rhyme here and consonance and alliteration of F as well:

Each whispered plea for mercy softly floats,
you hear me not while focused on your grip.


Good conversational tone--talking to time:

I carry on, what else am I to do?
I realize your presence, yes it's clear.
There's no ignoring my great debt to you.
Must payment due consign my life to fear?

Good exploration of the theme leading into the volta.

*punctuation suggestions:

But,(NO COMMA) I've the portion that I have, you see,(; or . or --)
you cannot take a moment more(-- or ,) it's true.

My strongest suggestion for above edits

But I've the portion that I have, you see;
you cannot take a moment more--it's true.

Very well-voiced:

In truth, you have no power over me.
My journey travels boldly over you.

* An outstanding closing couplet (note one suggestion):

I hear you brag and boast, your voice is shrill(; or ,)
Yet, I am moving! You are standing still.

Overall, this has great rhyme, great compositional style, good approach in 'addressing time' and flawless meter. Fine poetic devices too.

Good luck in the contest, dear Mikey.

Warmly, rd

 Comment Written 23-Oct-2014

Comment from flylikeaneagle

Excellent

Michael: Well done and I am sure that you did well in the contest. Congrats on your award. Time doesn't stand still and you are moving on. This relates to your past and living with your moms, time marches on and you aren't trapped. I like your sonnet and time standing still.
flylikeaneagle

 Comment Written 23-Oct-2014

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reply by the author on 23-Oct-2014

Thank you so much. The contest is still going on and there's some great competition, so we'll see. Hahaha. Appreciate the encouragement and kind words. Thank you kindly, mikey

Comment from emrpoems

Excellent

I hear you brag and boast, your voice is shrill
Yet, I am moving! You are standing still.
Your closing lines tell the story very well.

Well done rhymes with rhythm

 Comment Written 23-Oct-2014