The Long Night
Eyes play tricks late at night23 total reviews
Comment from Writingfundimension
Ooh, nice twist at the end. I loved the section where Lisa imagines all the horrible things the aliens are going to do to her based on actual reported cases. Poor Lisa doesn't know what she's gotten herself into.
This was most refreshing and enjoyable, Rox. Well done.
:) Bev
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2014
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Ooh, nice twist at the end. I loved the section where Lisa imagines all the horrible things the aliens are going to do to her based on actual reported cases. Poor Lisa doesn't know what she's gotten herself into.
This was most refreshing and enjoyable, Rox. Well done.
:) Bev
Comment Written 20-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2014
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Thanks so much Bev, no where near as good as your writing, but it was fun. =} Rox
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Apples and oranges, Rox. I thought it was great! Hugs, Bev
Comment from Treischel
A very well written story's with a twilight zone feel to it. You carried off the intensity of her fear, resolved the scene pleasantly, then threw in a twist. Very clever and entertaining.
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2014
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A very well written story's with a twilight zone feel to it. You carried off the intensity of her fear, resolved the scene pleasantly, then threw in a twist. Very clever and entertaining.
Comment Written 20-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2014
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Thanks so much. Halloween give me spooky ideas. =} It was very fun to write. Rox
Comment from jmdg1954
Good one Roxanna. You swung the pendulum to this story a few times leading the reader in a few directions. You built up the audience into a frenzy thinking what was going to happen to Lisa. Then calmed everyone firm thinking all is well. Then, bam! Right between the eyes!
Good twisted ending... Nicely done. John
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2014
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Good one Roxanna. You swung the pendulum to this story a few times leading the reader in a few directions. You built up the audience into a frenzy thinking what was going to happen to Lisa. Then calmed everyone firm thinking all is well. Then, bam! Right between the eyes!
Good twisted ending... Nicely done. John
Comment Written 20-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2014
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Thanks you John, I guess I watched too much Twilight Zone, I still do, those marathons they have on holidays. =} It was fun to write.
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I can see Rod Sterling narrating it. Black and white and eerie...
Comment from CR Delport
Sometimes our eyes plays tricks on us, but sometimes they actually hide the truth from us. This is an interesting and well written story. Good job.
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2014
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Sometimes our eyes plays tricks on us, but sometimes they actually hide the truth from us. This is an interesting and well written story. Good job.
Comment Written 20-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2014
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Yes, you just never know what your getting into, esp these girls who will just go out with anyone, then they end up missing. I watch a lot of Twilight Zone and Dateline. I think I could now commit the perfect murder. =} Don't tell anyone I said that. Thanks so much for the great review, Rox
Comment from perpetualwallflower
Wow the ending was unexpected. You've done a magnificent job with this story. I'm sure the way Lisa acts is the way most of us would act if we were confronted with the same thing. Great story.
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2014
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Wow the ending was unexpected. You've done a magnificent job with this story. I'm sure the way Lisa acts is the way most of us would act if we were confronted with the same thing. Great story.
Comment Written 20-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2014
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Yes I based the character on myself and how I would freak out of things and they'd turn out to be noting. I'm not as bad as I used to be, but sometimes... Thanks so much for the great review. Rox
Comment from Dean Kuch
Ah, so John was an alien after all. This is like an episode of the Twilight Zone or something, a surprise faux pas ending within a surprise ending.
You built the tension rising in Lisa here very well, although I noted several grammatical and punctuational errors. Correct all of those, and you'll have a winner!
I probably would have been just fine. I'm such a chicken.-----> Being that the previous lines in the story up until this point were introspective in nature, this particular line needs some sort of closure to note that your protagonist is currently thinking the thought, Roxanna. For instance, it should read something like this; "I probably would have been just fine. I'm such a chicken, thought Lisa."
"She looked in her rear view mirror and saw a faint blue lightfloated , floating behind her about twenty yards [back] behind her". In this sentence, since you're having your narrator speaking in the present tense, the word "floating" must be substituted for "floated" here. In addition, while "back" is fine, "behind her" reads a bit better.
Lisa blinked several time (s).----->Need an 'S' after time.
She kept looking in the review mirror even though she told herself not to[.],-----> Need a comma here instead of a period which terminates the sentence, Roxanna...
"I should havelisten listened to Mike," she said, choking on her sobs."----->"Listened" to Mike...
"She turned into the parking lot, tire (s) squealing,tire trying to hide in the shadows, and turned off her lights."----->You need an 'S' after "tire" here, Roxanna, unless her car uses just one tire, all of them would be screeching. Also, I believe you meant "trying" to hide in the shadows.
Lisa laughed too as sheexisted exited her car, but at herself for having such a wild imagination.
Nice writing!
~Dean :)
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2014
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Ah, so John was an alien after all. This is like an episode of the Twilight Zone or something, a surprise faux pas ending within a surprise ending.
You built the tension rising in Lisa here very well, although I noted several grammatical and punctuational errors. Correct all of those, and you'll have a winner!
I probably would have been just fine. I'm such a chicken.-----> Being that the previous lines in the story up until this point were introspective in nature, this particular line needs some sort of closure to note that your protagonist is currently thinking the thought, Roxanna. For instance, it should read something like this; "I probably would have been just fine. I'm such a chicken, thought Lisa."
"She looked in her rear view mirror and saw a faint blue light
Lisa blinked several time (s).----->Need an 'S' after time.
She kept looking in the review mirror even though she told herself not to[.],-----> Need a comma here instead of a period which terminates the sentence, Roxanna...
"I should have
"She turned into the parking lot, tire (s) squealing,
Lisa laughed too as she
Nice writing!
~Dean :)
Comment Written 19-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2014
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I thought I already responded to this but I guess I forgot to send it, or maybe an alien kept if from being sent. They are so sneaky. Thank you so much for taking so much time on this. I don't feel worthy. I can read something over 100x and still miss stupid mistakes. I have fixed them and how the story reads better now. Thank you for your time and the help. Roxanna =}
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No worries, Roxanna, and we all make mistakes. I've made my fair share while writing here, believe me! I will reread and update your rating if the revisions have be made. That's what we're all here for, to try and help, as well as learn.
Respectfully,
Dean~ :}
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I have updated your rating. It reads much better now.
Good work! :}
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Well thank you so much. So nice of you to take the time. Have a great day. Hey, are you also on the Writers Carnival site?
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Yes, as a matter of fact I am. Same user name, same types of stories. Look me up sometime. :}
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Yes I thought I saw your name, I haven't been on it forever, but I did post this story. You can read it again, how lucky are you?! =}
Comment from MizKat
Hi Roxanna,
This is a very interesting and well written story. Thanks for your author notes too. I did see a few little mistakes and put them down. I love when people do that for me.
In the 10th paragraph, 1st line, the word should be - I should have listened (not listen) to Mike. In the 13th paragraph, 2nd line, 3rd part of it should be - tried (not tire) to hide in the shadows. 17th paragraph should be - The creature reached (not reach) up and removed it's head. 2nd to last paragraph from the bottom - Why did Lisa say: Lisa and coffee would be very nice, she replied. Why not say - Coffee would be very nice, Lisa replied. Last paragraph, As Lisa entered (not enter) John looked (not look) out across the parking lot.
I love the last line. It sounds like he's an alien after all.
Kat
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2014
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Hi Roxanna,
This is a very interesting and well written story. Thanks for your author notes too. I did see a few little mistakes and put them down. I love when people do that for me.
In the 10th paragraph, 1st line, the word should be - I should have listened (not listen) to Mike. In the 13th paragraph, 2nd line, 3rd part of it should be - tried (not tire) to hide in the shadows. 17th paragraph should be - The creature reached (not reach) up and removed it's head. 2nd to last paragraph from the bottom - Why did Lisa say: Lisa and coffee would be very nice, she replied. Why not say - Coffee would be very nice, Lisa replied. Last paragraph, As Lisa entered (not enter) John looked (not look) out across the parking lot.
I love the last line. It sounds like he's an alien after all.
Kat
Comment Written 19-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2014
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Thanks so much Kat. All fixed now. Thanks for the help. Rox
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I'm so glad you didn't take my pointing things out in the wrong way. Kat
Comment from jpduck
I thought this was a great story. Moves at a good pace, good dialogue and I loved the twist in the tail - just when I thought I could breathe again!
A few typos:
Para 13, Line 1 - tire = time
Para 33 - to = too
Para 36, Line 1 - look = looked
I loved 'spread her fingers just a hair'
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2014
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I thought this was a great story. Moves at a good pace, good dialogue and I loved the twist in the tail - just when I thought I could breathe again!
A few typos:
Para 13, Line 1 - tire = time
Para 33 - to = too
Para 36, Line 1 - look = looked
I loved 'spread her fingers just a hair'
Comment Written 19-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2014
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Thanks so much. I fixed all my boo boo. I can tell I haven't written in a long time. Too many mistakes. Why can't spell check figure out the tense too?! =} Thank you for your help. I can read something 100x times and never see my own errors. My brain sees what it wants too. Rox
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Hi Roxanna,
Yes, that bit about the brain seeing what it expects when reading its own work is the same for everyone, I reckon.
Comment from nancy_e_davis
"I should have listen[ed] to Mike," (add ed)
Ha, you give us hope and relief only to squelch
it in the end! This was a very entertaining write. What an imagination you have with all your weird thoughts. Very funny. Good job Rox. Nancy
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2014
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"I should have listen[ed] to Mike," (add ed)
Ha, you give us hope and relief only to squelch
it in the end! This was a very entertaining write. What an imagination you have with all your weird thoughts. Very funny. Good job Rox. Nancy
Comment Written 19-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2014
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Hi Nancy,
How are you? Good I hope. Thanks so much for the help and good review. I can read something 100x and never see my errors. ={
Have a great day. Rox
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I know, I will help when I can. Nancy
Comment from Brabazon
The story line is brilliant but the grammatical flaws seemed like fiction. I was keeping track of them until I could not handle them anymore. REVIEW for rearview, some speech marks open at the wrong points and are absent at other points where they should be present.
Somebody in my place was, once, short on his thigh on suspicion of being an armed bandit. His headlights had failed, so he tailed another vehicle closely to take advantage of its own beams. The car ahead, however, panicked thinking it was been shadowed by bad guys and floored the gas pedal to report to a police check point ahead. When the trailer arrived, police stopped and shot him, based on the report of the frightened driver. The victim was lucky he wasn¡®tkilled and became a governor of a state months later. Big lesson: always be home before dusk!
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2014
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The story line is brilliant but the grammatical flaws seemed like fiction. I was keeping track of them until I could not handle them anymore. REVIEW for rearview, some speech marks open at the wrong points and are absent at other points where they should be present.
Somebody in my place was, once, short on his thigh on suspicion of being an armed bandit. His headlights had failed, so he tailed another vehicle closely to take advantage of its own beams. The car ahead, however, panicked thinking it was been shadowed by bad guys and floored the gas pedal to report to a police check point ahead. When the trailer arrived, police stopped and shot him, based on the report of the frightened driver. The victim was lucky he wasn¡®tkilled and became a governor of a state months later. Big lesson: always be home before dusk!
Comment Written 19-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2014
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I'm sorry I had so many boo boos! I read it over 100x times but didn't see them. How does that happen. My brain just compensates I guess. My brain is so much smarter than me. =} I did go back and fix it, I think. Hopefully it's easier to read now and won't cause anyone's eyes to bleed. =}
I was with a friend who's lights keep going out when she put on her brights, and you need them in the dessert where there are no lights except stars. But we made it home okay and no one got shot. At least your guy got to be governor. =} Thanks for the time and review. Have a great day. Rox
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Truly sorry. I never intended to hurt you. Hope you find time to visit the desert one day. It¡°s not exactly the photo in people¡®s minds. Thanks.
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You didn't hurt me at all, I'm glad for the feedback. I need it to get better, why I don't know. I write mainly children's stories, Super Pig, and funny poems. I love to be funny and that's what I was trying to be in my response. Don't feel bad please.
I was born and raise on the desert. If you've seen the movie 'Erin Brockovich' It's about the town I was born in. Very sad, it no longer exists. They have torn it down because of the water. We had the biggest lawsuit against a power company in US history, I didn't know anything about it so didn't get any money, rats!, but they opened up another lawsuit years later and my little sis got some, she was dying of cancer so didn't get to enjoy it much. Lots of sick people in Hinkley, very sad. I escape the effect of the contaminated water so far, but a lot of people didn't, my sister being one. Really sad, she was a great person, really miss her. Greed does terrible things.
Sorry didn't mean to get so depressing. Anyway, don't worry, we're good. =}
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It¡®s ok. Sorry to hear about what happened to your sister. One¡®s place of birth and upbringing is usually special in his/her heart. So I see what it means to lose it for whatever reason. Sorry to hear that too.
Brabazon.
