Rise from the Fall
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "The Routine"From one life to another
8 total reviews
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
I'm a first time reader and feel you write quite well. As I don't know how the last section/chapter ended, I was confused by the word, "fields", but figured it out after a few rereadings. I think you should say the second time the trap door is raised, he is the one raising it. Enjoyed reading this and will look for more.
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2021
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I'm a first time reader and feel you write quite well. As I don't know how the last section/chapter ended, I was confused by the word, "fields", but figured it out after a few rereadings. I think you should say the second time the trap door is raised, he is the one raising it. Enjoyed reading this and will look for more.
Comment Written 22-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2021
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Thank you, Carol Hillebrenner. I'm glad you are enjoying my work.
I currently have twelve chapters posted on fanstory.com. However, I will be editing them over the next few months.
Comment from Jay Squires
You are an exceptional writer. My hat off to you. It has all the action that prose allows but your poetic imagery brings that action to life with a vividness not often found here on FS.
Here are a few notes I made as I progressed through this chapter.
Fields. From here to the outer wall, it's all you could see. [With Fields being plural, the complement to it would be, "THAT'S all you can see. ] Please excuse my "all caps". The review function doesn't allow for italics for emphasis.
Like fleas on a dog's back, workers bob their heads out, only to disappear in the brush [Great image!]
The air ripped from my lungs. I keel over, unable to breathe, grasping my stomach [Your usually evocative writing in a telegraphic style brings the images to life, but here, I feel the reader needs a little less subtlety and actually KNOW what hit him in the stomach.]
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2021
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You are an exceptional writer. My hat off to you. It has all the action that prose allows but your poetic imagery brings that action to life with a vividness not often found here on FS.
Here are a few notes I made as I progressed through this chapter.
Fields. From here to the outer wall, it's all you could see. [With Fields being plural, the complement to it would be, "THAT'S all you can see. ] Please excuse my "all caps". The review function doesn't allow for italics for emphasis.
Like fleas on a dog's back, workers bob their heads out, only to disappear in the brush [Great image!]
The air ripped from my lungs. I keel over, unable to breathe, grasping my stomach [Your usually evocative writing in a telegraphic style brings the images to life, but here, I feel the reader needs a little less subtlety and actually KNOW what hit him in the stomach.]
Comment Written 22-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2021
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Thank you for your feedback Jay Squires. It's always appreciated.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
it may be an idea to include some sort of synopsis of the story so that the readers know what they'll be investing it at the beginning.
A good introduction to the main character with a little bit of backstory in there. The voice is solid and clear and there's a nice sense of place and some interesting world-building being established.
A few notes I made as I read through-
are citizens ,and the occasional group - spacing around the comma needs moved.
only the guy who I share my shift's with. - shifts is just a plural here so no apostrophe needed.
You know noble's will defend their little shits even- same thing here with nobles.
I was given a choice paying a heavy fine - choice of.
I'm not sure on the dialogue ending with commas followed by narrative action without tags.
would ensure that a share a birthday - that I share.
my patrons daughter." - patron's.
Be careful of your adverb usage. They tend to come in clumps when they come and this makes them more noticeable. It can expose a weakness in the verb choice.
"Look half-breed," one of them says grabbing a thick piece of wood from the ground, "This training - the second piece of dialogue should start lower case as the previous dialogue and narrative are not closed off.
While they are also unarmed I can't underestimate them / Raising his weapon into the air, he charges at me - this would appear contradictory. How did an unarmed man raise his weapon?
"What is the meaning of this?" The commander says in tone of authority.- following speech tags should be lower case unless a proper noun of name.
"Atamus!" He yells.- same thing here.
Though I wish that a certain item would be removed from permanently, - this reads a little awkward. Perhaps remove 'from'.
striped of all clothing and shown off - stripped.
their neck telling everyone were they are from, - in this instance it would be where.
services to me I final arrive at me destination. - perhaps my rather than me here?
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2019
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Hi there,
it may be an idea to include some sort of synopsis of the story so that the readers know what they'll be investing it at the beginning.
A good introduction to the main character with a little bit of backstory in there. The voice is solid and clear and there's a nice sense of place and some interesting world-building being established.
A few notes I made as I read through-
are citizens ,and the occasional group - spacing around the comma needs moved.
only the guy who I share my shift's with. - shifts is just a plural here so no apostrophe needed.
You know noble's will defend their little shits even- same thing here with nobles.
I was given a choice paying a heavy fine - choice of.
I'm not sure on the dialogue ending with commas followed by narrative action without tags.
would ensure that a share a birthday - that I share.
my patrons daughter." - patron's.
Be careful of your adverb usage. They tend to come in clumps when they come and this makes them more noticeable. It can expose a weakness in the verb choice.
"Look half-breed," one of them says grabbing a thick piece of wood from the ground, "This training - the second piece of dialogue should start lower case as the previous dialogue and narrative are not closed off.
While they are also unarmed I can't underestimate them / Raising his weapon into the air, he charges at me - this would appear contradictory. How did an unarmed man raise his weapon?
"What is the meaning of this?" The commander says in tone of authority.- following speech tags should be lower case unless a proper noun of name.
"Atamus!" He yells.- same thing here.
Though I wish that a certain item would be removed from permanently, - this reads a little awkward. Perhaps remove 'from'.
striped of all clothing and shown off - stripped.
their neck telling everyone were they are from, - in this instance it would be where.
services to me I final arrive at me destination. - perhaps my rather than me here?
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 09-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2019
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Thank you so much for all the feedback giraffmang. Providing me with examples helps greatly.
Comment from kahpot
I like the story for where it it might be going, maybe another look at some minor editing ie. the ending of the third to last paragraph, does not quite sound right" and possibly their education if they had to begin with" ( if they had one or any to begin with) an interesting read and I would like to read more****kahpot
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2019
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I like the story for where it it might be going, maybe another look at some minor editing ie. the ending of the third to last paragraph, does not quite sound right" and possibly their education if they had to begin with" ( if they had one or any to begin with) an interesting read and I would like to read more****kahpot
Comment Written 09-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2019
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Thanks for the review kahpot. I'm updating my first two chapters. Then I will continue with chapter 6.
Comment from Sandra Montanino
Nice work. I think you might want to put an apostrophe for"noble's sons."
On your second paragraph, it seems your protagonist is talking to someone, but I'm not sure who and there are no quotations. I can see you put a lot of effort into your story. Good job!!
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2019
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Nice work. I think you might want to put an apostrophe for"noble's sons."
On your second paragraph, it seems your protagonist is talking to someone, but I'm not sure who and there are no quotations. I can see you put a lot of effort into your story. Good job!!
Comment Written 08-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2019
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Thank you for the review. Its always nice to see readers enjoying my work.
Comment from LIJ Red
This seems like a rousing adventure tale worth polishing up.
I saw a change or two-my opinion, of course. One big one. Get out of the present tense into the past.
then some trivials:
out of reflex as a reflex?
shift's shifts
need speech tag in 4th paragraph
too many line spaces in one spot
behind me. Causing behind me, causing
far flung lands, with imperial
Striped of all clothing stripped
I hope I didn't repeat other reviewers. I hope I've helped.
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2014
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This seems like a rousing adventure tale worth polishing up.
I saw a change or two-my opinion, of course. One big one. Get out of the present tense into the past.
then some trivials:
out of reflex as a reflex?
shift's shifts
need speech tag in 4th paragraph
too many line spaces in one spot
behind me. Causing behind me, causing
far flung lands, with imperial
Striped of all clothing stripped
I hope I didn't repeat other reviewers. I hope I've helped.
Comment Written 15-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2014
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I'm grateful for those that took time to read my work. Thank you LIJ Red, every review helps me improve.
Comment from Fridayauthor
I really like the setting for this story and the descriptions are very good.
The writing needs some editing for missing commas, etc.
...at me with the intent of striking me... This is a "point of view" problem. You are writing in the first person so you
don't KNOW someone else's mind. You might THINK that is his intent or apparently trying to strike...
Line split after...one of the senior
if they had to begin with.
if they had any to begin with.
Thank you for the posting.
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2014
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I really like the setting for this story and the descriptions are very good.
The writing needs some editing for missing commas, etc.
...at me with the intent of striking me... This is a "point of view" problem. You are writing in the first person so you
don't KNOW someone else's mind. You might THINK that is his intent or apparently trying to strike...
Line split after...one of the senior
if they had to begin with.
if they had any to begin with.
Thank you for the posting.
Comment Written 14-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2014
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Thank you for the review Fridayauthor. I'm always grateful to those who have taken the time to read my work.
Comment from Juliette Chamberlain
There is quite a lot going on this this first chapter which causes the reader to pause at times and try to orientate, but you seem to have the guts of an interesting story.
I know that the spellcheck will not pick up on quite a few of the spellings I have corrected but you really do need to be aware of many different ways of spelling the same words.
If you are unsure it would be a good idea to keep a dictionary nearby and keep checking.
'step-father...'
'...his military (carrier) career...'
'...sister's birthday (day)...
'(Your) You're friends, I take it...'
'...as I'm concerned. (New sentence.) Walking towards the...'
"I'm just passing through, Atamus...
'people like you (shouldn't't)shouldn't...'
'walking (to) towards us...'
'I (to) too, bow...'
'...(wears) wares of merchants...'
'...and (possibility) possibly their education, if they had (add) any, to begin with...'
'...illegal (wears) wares...'
Warmly,
Juliette
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2014
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There is quite a lot going on this this first chapter which causes the reader to pause at times and try to orientate, but you seem to have the guts of an interesting story.
I know that the spellcheck will not pick up on quite a few of the spellings I have corrected but you really do need to be aware of many different ways of spelling the same words.
If you are unsure it would be a good idea to keep a dictionary nearby and keep checking.
'step-father...'
'...his military (carrier) career...'
'...sister's birthday (day)...
'(Your) You're friends, I take it...'
'...as I'm concerned. (New sentence.) Walking towards the...'
"I'm just passing through, Atamus...
'people like you (shouldn't't)shouldn't...'
'walking (to) towards us...'
'I (to) too, bow...'
'...(wears) wares of merchants...'
'...and (possibility) possibly their education, if they had (add) any, to begin with...'
'...illegal (wears) wares...'
Warmly,
Juliette
Comment Written 14-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2014
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Thanks for the review, I'm always grateful for these that types of reviews.
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I hate to reduce stars and would really like to always award five or six, but I do realise that sometimes giving less stars actually forces the writer to seriously examine their work.
Hope this helps,
Warmly,
Juliette
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That is completely true Juliette Chamberlain. This does force me to examine my work, and I'm grateful for it.
Thank you for the review, I always feel like FanStory.com provides writers with a good environment to improve in.
