Dark Covenant
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Of Man and Beast"The Berwick Witches Series: Book One
28 total reviews
Comment from Thewriterwithnoname
So far, this seems like a real interesting story with a lot of promise. The premise is definitely engaging and the setting feels very surreal. A few problems, however. Your descriptions are a little hit and miss, often tending to be a little too purple. This one in particular stood out to me; "Five nameless, lifeless, little heroes lying in a row like cartons of eggs on a bottom shelf in a run-down grocery store." I feel like it's too much, and it's a weird simile.
I appreciated the explanation for the child killings, but I wouldn't call the murder of one daggering. It just seems off. Also, the explanation is too much telling and not showing. You're missing a great opportunity for a huge reveal to hit your audience with.
Like I said, though, very promising start.
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reply by the author on 21-Oct-2014
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So far, this seems like a real interesting story with a lot of promise. The premise is definitely engaging and the setting feels very surreal. A few problems, however. Your descriptions are a little hit and miss, often tending to be a little too purple. This one in particular stood out to me; "Five nameless, lifeless, little heroes lying in a row like cartons of eggs on a bottom shelf in a run-down grocery store." I feel like it's too much, and it's a weird simile.
I appreciated the explanation for the child killings, but I wouldn't call the murder of one daggering. It just seems off. Also, the explanation is too much telling and not showing. You're missing a great opportunity for a huge reveal to hit your audience with.
Like I said, though, very promising start.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 21-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2014
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Thank you.
Comment from Donya Quijote
Witches, werewolves, curses, humans, and a whole lot of carnage and mayhem. Tough job to do, kill ones own son and so many. You've set the scene for a subplot as we begin to find the full extent of the sorcerer's activities. Intense...
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2014
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Witches, werewolves, curses, humans, and a whole lot of carnage and mayhem. Tough job to do, kill ones own son and so many. You've set the scene for a subplot as we begin to find the full extent of the sorcerer's activities. Intense...
Comment Written 21-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2014
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Thank you, Donya.
Comment from jaeladarling
Wouldn't even the women carry the genes necessary for this curse to continue? One would think the only way to truly end it would be a mass suicide for all those carrying the genes - men and women.
I say this realizing it's fiction. :p
Anyway. A bit thick on the back story, but otherwise a good read. :)
A couple suggestions:
What did you do? You look wonderful." (Open the quote)
"She emptied a vile of blood" ("vial")
"After added a mystic herb," ("adding")
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2014
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Wouldn't even the women carry the genes necessary for this curse to continue? One would think the only way to truly end it would be a mass suicide for all those carrying the genes - men and women.
I say this realizing it's fiction. :p
Anyway. A bit thick on the back story, but otherwise a good read. :)
A couple suggestions:
What did you do? You look wonderful." (Open the quote)
"She emptied a vile of blood" ("vial")
"After added a mystic herb," ("adding")
Comment Written 21-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2014
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No. 'Were' means man. Werewolf, Man wolf. I could have allowed the women to carry the gene, but didn't want the story to go that way. The first chapter needed the back story. It didn't fit in the prologue. Thank you for catching those. I've corrected it.
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I can't say a whole heck of a lot on back story. LOL I'm still going back and forth with someone on Book 1 of my fantasy trilogy about a prologue that's basically a snapshot of history before the events of the rest of the book. Some say it should be the prologue. Some say it should be part of the first chapter (with no prologue at all). Some say it should be removed entirely and somehow melded into the story instead of standing on its own.
There are a thousand and one opinions on back story! LOL But I always appreciate the opinions I get, because it gives me something to think about. So I share mine, and you can (and probably should) take it with a grain of salt. ;) :)
And I wasn't being overly serious with the genetics thing. I've been submerged in so much geekery that I've seen those sorts of discussions going on. That's why I added the line about saying that stuff even though I know it's fiction! LOL That's like once in high school when I wrote a story with a winged unicorn, and my teacher told me there's no such thing as a unicorn with wings. Yeah, um...there's no such thing as a unicorn! I still laugh at that one.
Anyway! Carry on and all that. :) :)
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Very strange stuff. I don't normally read stories about witches and curses and such stuff, but this seems to be well written, despite the subject matter.
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2014
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Very strange stuff. I don't normally read stories about witches and curses and such stuff, but this seems to be well written, despite the subject matter.
Comment Written 20-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2014
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thank you.
Comment from Neonewman
Once again I enjoyed another well-crafte piece by this very talented individual. I am completely enambered with this story as well as the artwork. God Bless!
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2014
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Once again I enjoyed another well-crafte piece by this very talented individual. I am completely enambered with this story as well as the artwork. God Bless!
Comment Written 20-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2014
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Thank you, very much, Neonewman.
Comment from Jay Squires
This is so good, Ama, so rich in layering, in back story, in richness of narrative and leanness in dialogue.
It is simply superb!
She forced the sea back into her eyes; it burned and blurred her vision. [sea is a beautiful metaphor]
too. Good reddens." ["Good RIDDANCE" >>It was part of the dialogue,so I was hesitant to mention it. No SPAG count.[
he was placed in salutary and scheduled to hang. [placed in SOLITARY (as in solitary confinement)]
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2014
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This is so good, Ama, so rich in layering, in back story, in richness of narrative and leanness in dialogue.
It is simply superb!
She forced the sea back into her eyes; it burned and blurred her vision. [sea is a beautiful metaphor]
too. Good reddens." ["Good RIDDANCE" >>It was part of the dialogue,so I was hesitant to mention it. No SPAG count.[
he was placed in salutary and scheduled to hang. [placed in SOLITARY (as in solitary confinement)]
Comment Written 20-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2014
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Wow, thanks, Jay. I guess there's nothing like fresh eyes. I went over this darn thing and still missed something. LOL I really appreciate this review, Jay.
Comment from Ric Myworld
Thanks for the pleasure of an interesting chapter that sets the stage for many conflicts and some trying times for the characters of your story. Great job. :-)
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2014
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Thanks for the pleasure of an interesting chapter that sets the stage for many conflicts and some trying times for the characters of your story. Great job. :-)
Comment Written 20-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2014
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thank you.
Comment from royowen
So sad killing all the males just to kill off the werewolves, just seems a little drastic, but horrible things are happening to others if the don't, and perhaps they will succeed In doing so, how come it doesn't affect the females, or is that just the way it is! Well done, well composed, blessings Roy.
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reply by the author on 20-Oct-2014
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So sad killing all the males just to kill off the werewolves, just seems a little drastic, but horrible things are happening to others if the don't, and perhaps they will succeed In doing so, how come it doesn't affect the females, or is that just the way it is! Well done, well composed, blessings Roy.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 20-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2014
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Were is Old English for man. I knew the first part would be disturbing that's why I put a warning. Thank you for your review, roy.
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You're welcome Amahra, I'm having fun, it forces me to be well rounded in my reading, bless you Roy.
