Vision and Sound: Their Stories
Viewing comments for Chapter 19 "The Deacon & The Doctor Are In"Two souls that meet as strangers on earth.
16 total reviews
Comment from nor84
The following sentence has a name in direct address and needs a comma:
I'll need you as well Julia and you(,) Abramus."
I'm so far behind in the story that I can't catch up, but I noticed a few things. Possessives could be shorter if the apostrophe was used:
Valerius realized, as he looked at the gaping wound in the leg of Cassius (the gaping wound in Cassius's leg) that he had never treated a wound before. He had his instincts and the brief instructions of Trellitia (Trellitia's brief instructions) to go by for this, his first patient.
The eyes all in unison looked into the eyes of Cassius.>>>I'd suggest:
Everyone looked into Cassius's eyes, because people don't do things in unison, at least not usually, and you don't want eyes in the sentence twice.
In the dialogue between Valerius and Cassius, I'm first names used when people are spoken to. That's not the way people usually talk.
As always, these are just suggestions. Take what you can use.
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2014
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The following sentence has a name in direct address and needs a comma:
I'll need you as well Julia and you(,) Abramus."
I'm so far behind in the story that I can't catch up, but I noticed a few things. Possessives could be shorter if the apostrophe was used:
Valerius realized, as he looked at the gaping wound in the leg of Cassius (the gaping wound in Cassius's leg) that he had never treated a wound before. He had his instincts and the brief instructions of Trellitia (Trellitia's brief instructions) to go by for this, his first patient.
The eyes all in unison looked into the eyes of Cassius.>>>I'd suggest:
Everyone looked into Cassius's eyes, because people don't do things in unison, at least not usually, and you don't want eyes in the sentence twice.
In the dialogue between Valerius and Cassius, I'm first names used when people are spoken to. That's not the way people usually talk.
As always, these are just suggestions. Take what you can use.
Comment Written 03-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2014
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These are great. Love it. Usually, I just get some grammar corrections. The thoughts on how to tighten up the writing stick with me when I write the next chapter. Very valuable. I worry too much that readers won't know who is speaking. If I write it correctly they should know easily. I'll fix those other ones too. I get on a roll trying to sound ancient. It's 500 AD and I go overboard. Hahaha. Thanks for the help, mikey
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In a scene with two people, once the reader knows who they are and who speaks first, only a rare tag is needed if the dialogue goes on for a long time. Instead of dialogue tags, consider using an occasional 'beat'. Abramus picked up his goblet is just as effective if it comes right where Abramus said would usually go, right after he says whatever. When you try to substitute using back and forth first names in dialogue, it stands out.
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Having them do things while they speak is something I have to remember. I have a tendency to have them give speeches. It's not hard, I just have to remember to do it. I get wrapped up in them blathering. Hahaha. I wonder why....
Comment from Jay Squires
Another delightfully entertaining chapter, Mikey.
Only two SPAG I could find, one just an oversight.
she had seen laying there [she had seen LYING there.]
As far as young Cassius her, [young Cassius HERE...]
Great work!
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2014
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Another delightfully entertaining chapter, Mikey.
Only two SPAG I could find, one just an oversight.
she had seen laying there [she had seen LYING there.]
As far as young Cassius her, [young Cassius HERE...]
Great work!
Comment Written 03-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2014
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But, she was laying an egg. It's a new twist! I'll never get that straight. I have half a dozen rhyming poems about it memorized too. I fixed that other one, I wonder why it's still there? I'll go check. So pleased you liked this one. This pointed me in a direction that I like. I'm laughing, my poor original story is sitting there unopened for three weeks now. This just took off on its own! Thanks for the help, mikey
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
I love seeing how he instinctively knew to set the broken leg in order for it to heal properly. He will become a good doctor. Leopold, though, will surely be a danger to Julia. Now I'm scarrred for her.
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2014
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I love seeing how he instinctively knew to set the broken leg in order for it to heal properly. He will become a good doctor. Leopold, though, will surely be a danger to Julia. Now I'm scarrred for her.
Comment Written 03-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2014
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I have plans for Leopold. I actually know something that is going to happen for a change!! I'm glad the fixing the leg scene came across well. I tried to have him use nothing but logic. I love crazy chicks. I'll do my best to protect Julia. :)) mikey
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So glad to hear you love crazy chicks. Phew! I'm safe for sure. :)
Comment from ProjectBluebook
I noticed a lot of things you did right grammar wise. Like the commas before the side notes. You pay attention to FANBOYS. The subject and verb is welded together. need not of a comma before an action verb. I been doing my homework. Paragraphs are spaced even enough to be reader friendly. i see, you are developing the characters as they interact with other key characters. the plot is building. Their status in the village is clear. He is aware of her unique abilities, supernatural, advising her to keep a low profile. it's safer for her to lay low. In that century, I'm sure peasants were accused of sorcery and witchcraft. She has a special gift. Your moving along with no stutter. this had to take considerable time to plot out. Looks good from my point of view. Job well done. do loco
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2014
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I noticed a lot of things you did right grammar wise. Like the commas before the side notes. You pay attention to FANBOYS. The subject and verb is welded together. need not of a comma before an action verb. I been doing my homework. Paragraphs are spaced even enough to be reader friendly. i see, you are developing the characters as they interact with other key characters. the plot is building. Their status in the village is clear. He is aware of her unique abilities, supernatural, advising her to keep a low profile. it's safer for her to lay low. In that century, I'm sure peasants were accused of sorcery and witchcraft. She has a special gift. Your moving along with no stutter. this had to take considerable time to plot out. Looks good from my point of view. Job well done. do loco
Comment Written 03-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2014
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What's FANBOYS? I am getting better on grammar. They've been on me for over a year. Something had to sink in. I noticed that recently, that DAMN, I know that a comma goes there or hey, I know a comma doesn't go there. I started out with none, then I put the little guys everywhere. I think I just about got it now. Glad you're liking this. No time plotting, off the top of my head. I like living in danger! Hahaha. Check your mail. mikey
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FANBOYS -- For, And, Nor, But, Or, Yet, So. You always put a comma before them when you got independent sentences that can stand alone. Thats' what i was doing primarily, on the other site, reading the free grammar tips, mainly about commas. Comma drama, is what it's called. i'm learning about where to put them little boogers. Butch said. They are welded together, the subject and the verb. Not like an address, where you place a comma after Butch. they are always welded together. I been reading but a long ways to go. i saw your side noted were correct. a comma separating both end words. i did not notice a comma out of place or needed one. people are always nailed me with them damn commas, i got tired of it. i will check e mail. this is my home, forgive me for abandoning me mates. had a negative force telling me to leave, but know I know that we are family. Later Lion King
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Hey! That's a damn good tip. Hahaha. I've got that tattooed on me grey matter matey. There's four or five reviewers I have that point out the grammar. That's how I learned it. it did bug me when it was "nice story" and five pages of corrections!!!! But, now its a review with a couple corrections. I just can't feel it over there. Nice folks, but I don't feel like I can pop in and say hello to anyone. They're all strangers and I've been there as long as I've been here. I've never spent more than an hour there.
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I felt out of place there Mikey. i was a stranger to them, and I could sense that. Kind of boring. The prose does not look as fancy. they do pay a few cents for each word -- 2 cents? A flat fee for poems. They are desperate for poems right now. they got editors come on site giving tips, like ow to avoid the slush pile ans so forth,and you may work your way into a magazine with an article. Still, I feel lost there and I missed it here. i missed voting for Mikey and the gang and giving reviews. My cat is bothering me to play with him.
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Never turn down pussy.......
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You are still a jester, Lion King. I'm confused about the people in charge. Is the girl married to the dude with the anvil beard on Carnival? Think they both live in the B.C. area. I'm a loss for names. Chief something. There is also Doug who is a part owner.
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I don't know. I know that Emmex is over there and she's cool. Brooke does a class there, I think. They're okay, it just doesn't compare. I have trouble answering reviews and getting around. I had a hard time submitting a poem to their magazine. Nothing against them at all. I drop in once in a while. I never get a tip in a review or a suggestion on how to improve anything. It's all praise. It's nice praise, not fluff, but I'd prefer some hardcore help. When I started here a couple people knocked me down hard! But, that is how I started to become a good writer. There isn't a damn thing I wrote before I got here that I can use without rewriting it.
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You got that right, Mikey. Same here. had a hard time navigating as well. I got confused. Had to go to the dashboard to submit something. Seemed more complicated to me. I was a lost pup. I forgot to do my wednesday thing today. You must relpy to at least three peole to be a contestant i the wednesday thing. Plus you got to e mail your two votes for that week. I ain't even got third place yet, and I know one I did was pretty good. They don't vote much for a stranger. They got their allies, it seemed. Site looked kind of plain looking. I t ain't as fun and you can't post picture in the text like you can do here. I may do a contest soon. I miss doing that. I need to do one to stay in practice. i can't sleep... the silenc eis bugging me -- don't know if it is a good or bad thing? They ain't posted nothin' today regarding her status. I fear for the worse. You knew Maureen as long as me. Seems like a fracking nightmare!
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Oct 1 at 7:30 PM was the last update. It's awful waiting.
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Yo -- mate, I was reading your review you gave me. I realized, you said that it had seven poems and it does. You sais it was a lucky seven. That's it!!! You just named my new poem. Lucky Seven, it will be. You are a genoius. I'm a little nervous as the pendulum swings.
Comment from CR Delport
Unlike the people from the church, Valerius see something special in Julia. Hopefully he can help her before the church people get a hold of her. They would rather burn her at the stake. Another well crafted chapter.
Of course, Julia, you father meant nothing by that. --- your father?
As far as young Cassius her --- here?
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Unlike the people from the church, Valerius see something special in Julia. Hopefully he can help her before the church people get a hold of her. They would rather burn her at the stake. Another well crafted chapter.
Of course, Julia, you father meant nothing by that. --- your father?
As far as young Cassius her --- here?
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 03-Oct-2014
Comment from seaglass
You are doing a great job with the use of wording to depict the language of the period. The treatment of the break was well told, believable and descriptive.
Tiny typo
"As far as young Cassius (her,) I consider..." "here'
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
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You are doing a great job with the use of wording to depict the language of the period. The treatment of the break was well told, believable and descriptive.
Tiny typo
"As far as young Cassius (her,) I consider..." "here'
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 03-Oct-2014
