Comment from Phyllis Stewart

Excellent

I loved her reaction to Val, and his to her. Well done. As for category, change it to GENERAL. That's where I have my Hell and demons, after all, since the story is not really fantasy or supernatural imo. General is like "none of the above" .. USE IT!

 Comment Written 29-Sep-2014

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reply by the author on 29-Sep-2014

Yes. That's what I'm going to do. Fantasy rubs me the wrong way. Some of this story, especially the ending is based on non-fiction. In the original there is more of the narrator and input about the souls in Heaven and their reactions etc. I'm afraid to interrupt the story with any of that. Wise? mikey

reply by Phyllis Stewart on 29-Sep-2014

Just change it quietly. No one really cares, not until you publish it and have to list the category. Then you go with general. :)

Comment from CR Delport

Excellent

That is the thing about soul mates. They will always feel that attraction, and is never really strangers, even if they have never met. There is just one thing that I would like to mention. When reading this, it is like I am listening to someone telling me what happened, instead of seeing it happened. Does that make sense?

 Comment Written 29-Sep-2014

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reply by the author on 29-Sep-2014

Yes. In the original write the narrator is more prominent and there is more information about what the reaction is in Heaven to what is transpiring. I have that in my mind. I'm afraid to break up the flow of the story with the narrator cutting in with his thoughts. The stories were quite a bit shorter in the original. The last segment with the Roman Republic/Persian thing was a page long with another page of the narrator and reactions of the souls in Heaven. I'm working on it. This segment was half a page and none of what is here was in it! But, now I've got the Dark Ages and mental illness and her remembering past lives and all of that going on. Hahaha. Soooo organized. Thank you for pointing that out. That's good to know. I'm working on it. mikey

Comment from Jay Squires

Excellent

Your narrative and the storyline just keep getting better and better, mikey.

I found only one small nit, and consider myself (and you) lucky that I was so enrapt by your story I apparently left my grammar cop badge at home.

Valerius barely had enough breath to great Trellitia [to GREET Trellitia.]



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 Comment Written 29-Sep-2014

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reply by the author on 29-Sep-2014

I appreciate the Grammar Cop more than you can know! I had NO idea where to put a comma when I started a year ago. If it weren't for the grammar help, I still wouldn't know! I'm pleased that you were caught up in the story though. That is great news! Errr. Great/greet. One of my favorites. Thank you very much, mikey

Comment from Michaelk

Excellent

Somebody's smitten. Valerius is in big trouble now. He may even end up getting burned at the stake for Julia. This seems to be a trend you're creating here. He sees her and falls instantly in love. This is why I have a hard time with the end of the stories. To love so intensely then to say that they were aquainted and discussed it in Heaven, just lessens the feelings here on earth. Just my opinion.
Another great chapter. Looking forward to the next.

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 Comment Written 28-Sep-2014

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reply by the author on 29-Sep-2014

It's a problem I'm having resolving the original manuscript to what is spinning out here. The original has more going on in the hereafter with the narrator and the two characters. I'm reluctant to break up these longer stories. In the original, the narrator is cutting in more and there is more going on when the two of them go back. I'm going to try and get back to that at some point. I don't want to just do the same thing in different settings over and over even if it is different circumstances. It makes me want to get to the end too quick thinking everyone is wanting it to get there and get happy! Great point. I appreciate you pointing it out. Reinforces what I suspect. mikey

reply by Michaelk on 29-Sep-2014

The way I see it you could do more with the Heaven side if things. Think about it. In Heavens we're all supposed to be happy, and it says in the Bible about how we're supposed to be like little children. Now imagine instead of somberly sitting and discussing the passions of earth feelings in some scholarly way, what if you turned it on its ear. Have them be little kids every time they go back to Heaven. They could tease each other and talk about 'you saved me, you loved me' in a playful way.
This is just a thought that occurred to me. It may be too late to do this because you've already set up the scholarly style.
Just throwing out ideas. :)