Catching Moonbeams
Short Story22 total reviews
Comment from MissMerri
You obviously know what makes a story sing. This story has it all... Interesting sympathetic characters, a clever plot, action, suspense, and a satisfying outcome. I enjoyed every word. If I were to change anything, it would be to break up some of the longer sentences into two or three shorter ones. Variety is nice. Your writing is excellent.
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2014
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You obviously know what makes a story sing. This story has it all... Interesting sympathetic characters, a clever plot, action, suspense, and a satisfying outcome. I enjoyed every word. If I were to change anything, it would be to break up some of the longer sentences into two or three shorter ones. Variety is nice. Your writing is excellent.
Comment Written 09-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2014
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Thanks so much for this lovely review, MissMerri. I'll have another read through and see if I can slash some of those longer sentences apart. Glad you enjoyed it anyway!
Comment from RGstar
Just my kind of read. Magical, intriguing. I just felt I would like to read on, perhaps a little of the magic could have remained to strengthen the ending. Never-the -less a wonderful story.
I missed this one but saw it in the story of the month competition so will go there now to vote.
Good writing, Tony
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2014
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Just my kind of read. Magical, intriguing. I just felt I would like to read on, perhaps a little of the magic could have remained to strengthen the ending. Never-the -less a wonderful story.
I missed this one but saw it in the story of the month competition so will go there now to vote.
Good writing, Tony
Comment Written 06-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2014
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I appreciate you reading and responding to this one, Roy. It was always my intention to turn it into something more than a short story but the bones of it have been gathering dust for such a long time that I decided to dust it down and see how it went down as a fragment. I had always meant it to have more magic and less social comment and may well return to it one day and see if I can strengthen that side of it. I am delighted that you thought it worth six stars. That makes me a bit more confidant that it might be worth extending. Best wishes, Tony
Comment from MM lives on :)
Hello my dear friend. I appreciate the ride you took us the reader on in this dialogue filled delight. I am not a writer but I do know you lured me in like a life lesson and wisdom learned. Smudge is quite the character and will have to read back on this one.
Bravo and a vote from your fan. Christopher.
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2014
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Hello my dear friend. I appreciate the ride you took us the reader on in this dialogue filled delight. I am not a writer but I do know you lured me in like a life lesson and wisdom learned. Smudge is quite the character and will have to read back on this one.
Bravo and a vote from your fan. Christopher.
Comment Written 06-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2014
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Thanks for taking the time to read this one, Christopher. I am delighted that you thought it worth six stars. That makes me a bit more confidant that it might be worth expanding one day. Best wishes, Tony
Comment from kiwisteveh
Must have missed this when you first posted it. What a lovely story of the two lonely characters, outsiders who meet by chance. The moonbeams element adds a touch of magic to the tale.
I found myself hurrying through the other parts of the story to get back to the boy and the tramp. I know it was your intention to highlight the innate racism and intolerance of ordinary people, but I wonder how the story might be different if that was more implied, less explicit. Hope you understand what I mean by that...
Good luck in the SOM.
Steve
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2014
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Must have missed this when you first posted it. What a lovely story of the two lonely characters, outsiders who meet by chance. The moonbeams element adds a touch of magic to the tale.
I found myself hurrying through the other parts of the story to get back to the boy and the tramp. I know it was your intention to highlight the innate racism and intolerance of ordinary people, but I wonder how the story might be different if that was more implied, less explicit. Hope you understand what I mean by that...
Good luck in the SOM.
Steve
Comment Written 03-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2014
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Thanks, Steve. As usual, perceptive and to the point. I wrote this some years ago and had shelved it until recently when a poem of Brooke's reminded me of it. I know exactly what you mean. I had intended to pursue the moonbeam magic into a growing relationship of trust between the two lost souls but allowed myself to be waylaid into didacticism. You have pinned my dissatisfaction with it and your words encourage me to have another go at re-writing it with the original purpose in mind. Once I get over the 'stranger danger' hurdle, I should be on my way. There is a better story in there somewhere but thank you nonetheless for your six stars. I have started to read some of the other entries and find myself in the shadow of some most accomplished writers.
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Yes, I can see the better story trying to get out. It reminds me of something - not sure what - Oscar Wilde or St Exupery???
An yes, the are some writers here of exceptional skill. Lee (Humphistle) never fails to amaze me with skill and ingenuity and variety and thro-away lines that make me snort my coffee out my nose.
Way back in his portfolio are some marvellous dark tales about a slave/musician called Bumpus and there's a story about his struggle with his mother's Alzheimers that should be posted on the walls of old folk's homes everywhere.
You truly will need good luck to crack the top spot, so I'll send it again
Steve
Comment from Muffins
A compassionate view of the innocence of a child and his openness to the magic and mystery of moonbeams.
Wolfgang is a character many people can relate to. He has lost or forgotten in the hope and light of catching moonbeams, in the wonder of life. However, his kindness in telling Smudge to believe and seek his own is both sensitive and heartbreaking. I enjoyed reading this.
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2014
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A compassionate view of the innocence of a child and his openness to the magic and mystery of moonbeams.
Wolfgang is a character many people can relate to. He has lost or forgotten in the hope and light of catching moonbeams, in the wonder of life. However, his kindness in telling Smudge to believe and seek his own is both sensitive and heartbreaking. I enjoyed reading this.
Comment Written 08-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2014
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Thank you so much for your review, Muffins. Sorry I've been a while in responding. FS has had to take a back seat in my life during this past week!
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That is perfectly ok. This week it's the same with me. Hopefully next week I can satisfy my fanstory craving!
Comment from Kausar_Javeria
Hello there~!
Now this was quite an interesting story. I loved reading it but what I liked the most was the description in the beginning.
Well done!
JazakAllah Khair~!
(God Bless~!)
(^_^)-<~~KAUSAR~~>-(^_^)
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2014
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Hello there~!
Now this was quite an interesting story. I loved reading it but what I liked the most was the description in the beginning.
Well done!
JazakAllah Khair~!
(God Bless~!)
(^_^)-<~~KAUSAR~~>-(^_^)
Comment Written 08-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2014
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Thank you so much for your review, Kausar. Sorry I've been a while in responding. FS has had to take a back seat in my life during this past week!
Comment from Just2Write
Hey Tony - Congratulations on your 3rd place finish with the story. It was a great read! Rose.
Original Review
Hi Tony:
Avery interesting story. Quite captivating and definitely different from the normal fare. Two souls lost and searching for their place in a world where they are displaced from their original homes. Very nice inter-weaving of the two lives and left me wanting to know more about what eventually happened to both of them.
Just a few things to consider:
In your introducing paragraph, you mention that Smudge is on a boat (I think, because there was a deck-hand) but in the next paragraph, you do not mention that he is now on land. There should be a few words to transition him to shore. (also, a reference to the time period at sea and where the scene setting is from [just a reference, so that the reader knows approximately what year or decade it is.)
in a pink dressing gown, brandishing a poker and thin, sagging breasts. (misplaced modifier - sounds like the woman was brandishing her breasts. Suggestions for a fix:
in a pink dressing gown; she was thin, with sagging breasts and was brandishing a poker.
slipped in through the open mouth of the bag. (???)
(A little more detail on the swag, or bag, and how the tramp managed to get it a moonbeam to slip into it. This is a pivotal part of the story for me, and a few more words would help to round out what was happening would be welcome. Such as - Did the tramp catch the moonbeam, or did it find its way to the bag on its own?
The dialogue in your piece was excellent, and so was your character development.
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2014
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Hey Tony - Congratulations on your 3rd place finish with the story. It was a great read! Rose.
Original Review
Hi Tony:
Avery interesting story. Quite captivating and definitely different from the normal fare. Two souls lost and searching for their place in a world where they are displaced from their original homes. Very nice inter-weaving of the two lives and left me wanting to know more about what eventually happened to both of them.
Just a few things to consider:
In your introducing paragraph, you mention that Smudge is on a boat (I think, because there was a deck-hand) but in the next paragraph, you do not mention that he is now on land. There should be a few words to transition him to shore. (also, a reference to the time period at sea and where the scene setting is from [just a reference, so that the reader knows approximately what year or decade it is.)
in a pink dressing gown, brandishing a poker and thin, sagging breasts. (misplaced modifier - sounds like the woman was brandishing her breasts. Suggestions for a fix:
in a pink dressing gown; she was thin, with sagging breasts and was brandishing a poker.
slipped in through the open mouth of the bag. (???)
(A little more detail on the swag, or bag, and how the tramp managed to get it a moonbeam to slip into it. This is a pivotal part of the story for me, and a few more words would help to round out what was happening would be welcome. Such as - Did the tramp catch the moonbeam, or did it find its way to the bag on its own?
The dialogue in your piece was excellent, and so was your character development.
Comment Written 06-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2014
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Thanks so much for this detailed review, Rose, and for your suggestions. Much appreciated. I need to go back over this piece and consider them carefully, for you have some very good points that I had not considered.
Comment from Nosha17
This was such a lovely story, I didn't want it to end. Your descriptions were spot on, the characters so well drawn, the dialogue good, the story line great. It encompassed the innocence of childhood along with the dangers of the adult world. The narrative flowed so well. Simply enchanting. I'm glad I saved a six till Saturday night! Faye
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2014
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This was such a lovely story, I didn't want it to end. Your descriptions were spot on, the characters so well drawn, the dialogue good, the story line great. It encompassed the innocence of childhood along with the dangers of the adult world. The narrative flowed so well. Simply enchanting. I'm glad I saved a six till Saturday night! Faye
Comment Written 06-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2014
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Thank you for this lovely review, Faye, and the six stars. I wrote the first draft of this years ago. Brooke's recent poem about sunbeams and moonbeams prompted me to dig it out, dust it down and revise it! So glad you enjoyed it!
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
Tony, what a beautiful story. I loved it from beginning to end and I think we should all look for more moonbeams! It was a trifle sad though, and a reflection on life today, Giddy
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2014
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Tony, what a beautiful story. I loved it from beginning to end and I think we should all look for more moonbeams! It was a trifle sad though, and a reflection on life today, Giddy
Comment Written 06-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2014
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Thanks very much for this most encouraging review and sixth star, Giddy.
Comment from James Dooney
Sounds like the poor boy got into some trouble ! This is quite a well done little piece of work you have given to us here ! keep it up !
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2014
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Sounds like the poor boy got into some trouble ! This is quite a well done little piece of work you have given to us here ! keep it up !
Comment Written 06-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2014
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Many thanks for your review, James.
