Writings From the Heart
Viewing comments for Chapter 30 "O mother dear"A book of Poetry & Writing
101 total reviews
Comment from Dustybones
Good poem. I just jumped in and read this because of the picture. You tellof a sad lonely way to die all for the price of changing what would have been the history of the land.
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2014
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Good poem. I just jumped in and read this because of the picture. You tellof a sad lonely way to die all for the price of changing what would have been the history of the land.
Comment Written 14-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2014
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thank you for the review
Comment from judiverse
This is very powerful with its strong message. It is easy to see the men thinking of mother as they lay dying. Your word choices really get across the feeling. Telling it from the first person POV makes it seem very real and immediate. You call this free verse, yet you use rhyme almost consistently. If you want to keep a strict rhyme, you could change grow in the second line to stand--poppies stand. To be grammatically correct, use lying instead of laying in the 8th line. judi
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2014
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This is very powerful with its strong message. It is easy to see the men thinking of mother as they lay dying. Your word choices really get across the feeling. Telling it from the first person POV makes it seem very real and immediate. You call this free verse, yet you use rhyme almost consistently. If you want to keep a strict rhyme, you could change grow in the second line to stand--poppies stand. To be grammatically correct, use lying instead of laying in the 8th line. judi
Comment Written 14-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2014
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thank you
Comment from Just2Write
A loving tribute poem in 15 syllable lines about the thoughts of a soldier in battle in WWI.
So many deaths, and still we did not learn.
I found the piece touching. The thought you put into the words was full of compassion and grace.
I did find a couple of things that you may want to look at:
around this fields where
either: around this field where -or -
around these fields where
I'm not sure if you were doing it for effect, or unconsciously, but the word 'this' comes up quite a few times. I tend to duplicate words myself sometimes and need to go back and edit them out. If your use was intentional, my apologies.
What evil times has history chosen to bring us to 'this' land?
Death and dying lie all around 'this' fields where poppies grow.
We fight 'this' hell and pray to God we will make it through 'this' day
But faith is lost, remembering the cost of thousands who died 'this' way.
The fields are red from blood we bleed that seeps into 'this' ground.
My time has come to meet the foe, we go hand to hand
But what of me? my time is done, laying here upon 'this' land.
How time will tell of the kids that fell, within 'this' hallowed place
We fell and died upon 'this' field in sight of God and grace.
Nice internal rhyme with 'faith is lost, remembering the cost'
You switch from men in line 5 to kids in line 9:
How time will tell of the kids that fell
Suggestion:
How time will tell of we who fell (or something similar)
Rose
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2014
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A loving tribute poem in 15 syllable lines about the thoughts of a soldier in battle in WWI.
So many deaths, and still we did not learn.
I found the piece touching. The thought you put into the words was full of compassion and grace.
I did find a couple of things that you may want to look at:
around this fields where
either: around this field where -or -
around these fields where
I'm not sure if you were doing it for effect, or unconsciously, but the word 'this' comes up quite a few times. I tend to duplicate words myself sometimes and need to go back and edit them out. If your use was intentional, my apologies.
What evil times has history chosen to bring us to 'this' land?
Death and dying lie all around 'this' fields where poppies grow.
We fight 'this' hell and pray to God we will make it through 'this' day
But faith is lost, remembering the cost of thousands who died 'this' way.
The fields are red from blood we bleed that seeps into 'this' ground.
My time has come to meet the foe, we go hand to hand
But what of me? my time is done, laying here upon 'this' land.
How time will tell of the kids that fell, within 'this' hallowed place
We fell and died upon 'this' field in sight of God and grace.
Nice internal rhyme with 'faith is lost, remembering the cost'
You switch from men in line 5 to kids in line 9:
How time will tell of the kids that fell
Suggestion:
How time will tell of we who fell (or something similar)
Rose
Comment Written 14-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2014
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thanks Rose for this
Comment from pipersfancy
A heartfelt work that paints sweeping murals of imagery across the canvas of free verse. Having visited the Canadian National War Museum in Ottawa earlier this summer, it strikes a poignant chord in me. My only suggestion would be to consider changing "kids that fell" to "boys that fell" because you've already used the male word, "men" earlier, so it would add to the consistency. Also, "kids" seems a little too informal a term to use in this piece.
Regards,
PF
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2014
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A heartfelt work that paints sweeping murals of imagery across the canvas of free verse. Having visited the Canadian National War Museum in Ottawa earlier this summer, it strikes a poignant chord in me. My only suggestion would be to consider changing "kids that fell" to "boys that fell" because you've already used the male word, "men" earlier, so it would add to the consistency. Also, "kids" seems a little too informal a term to use in this piece.
Regards,
PF
Comment Written 14-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2014
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thanks PF
Comment from nancy_e_davis
I'm not going to grab your money and run.
I noticed that your first two lines do not rhyme. I suggest you change the second line to [to where poppies stand] That would rhyme with land. Drop the [s] in fields or change 'this' to 'these.'
My time has come to meet the foe,[as] we go hand to hand. Need 'as' for syllable count.
It is a very sad poem and otherwise well done. The picture is amazing.I just needs a little work and I will up the rating. Nancy
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2014
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I'm not going to grab your money and run.
I noticed that your first two lines do not rhyme. I suggest you change the second line to [to where poppies stand] That would rhyme with land. Drop the [s] in fields or change 'this' to 'these.'
My time has come to meet the foe,[as] we go hand to hand. Need 'as' for syllable count.
It is a very sad poem and otherwise well done. The picture is amazing.I just needs a little work and I will up the rating. Nancy
Comment Written 14-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2014
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thanks Nancy done
Comment from James Dooney
Very good old piece and work you have given us here. You do the boys well and I am sure they would enjoy the read also ! Well done !
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2014
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Very good old piece and work you have given us here. You do the boys well and I am sure they would enjoy the read also ! Well done !
Comment Written 14-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2014
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Thanks James for the review
Comment from Rose Hearth
As my rating shows, this poem is "good, but adjustments are needed".
Suggestions--
this field, or these fields
thousands (who)
lie
Inconsistent rhyme- The lack of rhyme in the first two lines may be intentional so I gave you the benefit of the doubt.
If you choose to make the adjustments, I will be happy to edit my review to reflect a 5 star (excellent, no revisions needed) rating.
This is a beautiful and touching poem.
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2014
 |
As my rating shows, this poem is "good, but adjustments are needed".
Suggestions--
this field, or these fields
thousands (who)
lie
Inconsistent rhyme- The lack of rhyme in the first two lines may be intentional so I gave you the benefit of the doubt.
If you choose to make the adjustments, I will be happy to edit my review to reflect a 5 star (excellent, no revisions needed) rating.
This is a beautiful and touching poem.
Comment Written 14-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2014
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thanks
Comment from flylikeaneagle
deepwater: I love the red poppies blooming on the ground. I hate the blood shed of innocent people, like Michael Brown, laying on the street shot by police.
Well written story of war, kids that fell, stories we must tell and remember. Innocence, Jesus weeps, people care.
Well done, my friend. Saving my sixes for you.
flylikeaneagle
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2014
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deepwater: I love the red poppies blooming on the ground. I hate the blood shed of innocent people, like Michael Brown, laying on the street shot by police.
Well written story of war, kids that fell, stories we must tell and remember. Innocence, Jesus weeps, people care.
Well done, my friend. Saving my sixes for you.
flylikeaneagle
Comment Written 14-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2014
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thank you for the review and the six Fly
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deepwater: I am glad that we can be a voice on FS and I can learn from you. I got promoted to a level 5 reviewer by reading your story. Have a blessed day.
flylikeaneagle
Comment from Bryan G
This is a great tribute to the memory of those who have fought and died in war. I once heard it said that the last words on a soldier's lips is Mother. I dream of the time when war shall be no more.
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2014
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This is a great tribute to the memory of those who have fought and died in war. I once heard it said that the last words on a soldier's lips is Mother. I dream of the time when war shall be no more.
Comment Written 14-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2014
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thank you
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
Beautiful poem, with sad emotional words. The line that made me choke was your title, 'Oh Mother Dear' when you wrote it in the line where the words carry on the winds from grown men. I often wonder how many have died crying for their mothers. Lovely poem, but naturally very sad. :) Sandra
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2014
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Beautiful poem, with sad emotional words. The line that made me choke was your title, 'Oh Mother Dear' when you wrote it in the line where the words carry on the winds from grown men. I often wonder how many have died crying for their mothers. Lovely poem, but naturally very sad. :) Sandra
Comment Written 14-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2014
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Thank you for the review Sandra
gary
