haibun (a needed rest)
haibun-contest entry34 total reviews
Comment from tbacha58
The sun is setting. The moon is rising a silky silver. Stars wink in approval.
Hello Mickey, I missed you. Well, I read the rules of course, and your poem, and your Haiku, and you are definitely amazing young man. THank God you found your beautiful path in writing, I am so happy for both of you. I feel you so relaxed when you write, and that is amazing. I feel you are so much settled in your within, and that man is you. Bravo , Bless you both. Love u Terry xoxo
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The sun is setting. The moon is rising a silky silver. Stars wink in approval.
Hello Mickey, I missed you. Well, I read the rules of course, and your poem, and your Haiku, and you are definitely amazing young man. THank God you found your beautiful path in writing, I am so happy for both of you. I feel you so relaxed when you write, and that is amazing. I feel you are so much settled in your within, and that man is you. Bravo , Bless you both. Love u Terry xoxo
Comment Written 11-Aug-2014
Comment from adewpearl
vivid detail of setting
excellent alliteration in phrases like glorious greens grace
and in festive floral
excellent use of personification
good sensory appeal to a variety of senses
lots more good alliteration
good use of fragments as the contest lays out
a lovely romantic/passionate scene
effective pairing with haiku
Brooke
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vivid detail of setting
excellent alliteration in phrases like glorious greens grace
and in festive floral
excellent use of personification
good sensory appeal to a variety of senses
lots more good alliteration
good use of fragments as the contest lays out
a lovely romantic/passionate scene
effective pairing with haiku
Brooke
Comment Written 11-Aug-2014
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
Your prose is stunningly beautiful, devoid of excessive verbage and great alliteration. Your imagery is wonderful and I feel as though I am there. Your haiku I think could be much stronger. I love the Japanese forms, but haiku is my weakness so I won't mark you down for that. I don't see a seasonal reference which is required and your satori line doesn't really give that 'aha moment'. You might want to look at it again. It is good to see someone trying the Japanese forms which I dearly love. Good luck in the contest, my friend~Debbie
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reply by the author on 11-Aug-2014
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Your prose is stunningly beautiful, devoid of excessive verbage and great alliteration. Your imagery is wonderful and I feel as though I am there. Your haiku I think could be much stronger. I love the Japanese forms, but haiku is my weakness so I won't mark you down for that. I don't see a seasonal reference which is required and your satori line doesn't really give that 'aha moment'. You might want to look at it again. It is good to see someone trying the Japanese forms which I dearly love. Good luck in the contest, my friend~Debbie
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Comment Written 11-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2014
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Thank you so much. I may be too concerned with tying it in with the prose. In fact I'm sure that I am. I will mull it over some more. I think I was looking at it as the prose leading to the poem and then back to the title. But, perhaps I can improve that. Thanks for the great compliments and the tip. Oh, and the kind heart. :)) mikey
Comment from Patti R.
I like the staccato-beat of your prose, Mikey! Colors burst forth, and sounds. All the critters out feeding before dark.
I think there needs to be a comma after 'He follows(,) intoxicated. Either that or a full stop for emphasis. I know punctuation should be minimal, but not at the cost of the overall feel or impact of a statement. Just me.
'A perfect
evening on day five
but man cometh' ... only a suggestion! I did love this, great entry, I'm in trouble now.
Patti
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2014
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I like the staccato-beat of your prose, Mikey! Colors burst forth, and sounds. All the critters out feeding before dark.
I think there needs to be a comma after 'He follows(,) intoxicated. Either that or a full stop for emphasis. I know punctuation should be minimal, but not at the cost of the overall feel or impact of a statement. Just me.
'A perfect
evening on day five
but man cometh' ... only a suggestion! I did love this, great entry, I'm in trouble now.
Patti
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 11-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2014
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Yeah! Mikey likes that. That is icing on the cake type improving. That is exactly the tone I want!!! See? You keep offering genius ideas and I keep skipping the other four hundred reviews. Hahaha. Thank you!! If I win the fake money, the fake drinks are on me. mikey
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I'd like a fake-Caesar! easy on the tabasco, fresh lime and celery stick of course, fake of course! so smiling.
