CHAPTER CUATRO, PART UNO
Soni has a visitor.45 total reviews
Comment from rama devi
This drew me in and it's well paced with good characterization nicely enhanced by swift-paced dialog too. Good build up of subtle tension with the agent. I sense some more plot development unfolding relating to the land issues, etc.
NOTES and small suggestions (mostly optional, but recommended)
* Hughes handed Soni a thick stapled packet of legal looking papers,
legal-looking papers
*The best I can tell(,) this land has livestock roaming freely and is open to wild life. Plus(,) quite a few oil wells and farm land."
*Both men signed agreeing that(,) as of July seventeen of 1884(,) this Lipan Apache's tribe could live on the designated land as long as the Adler family agreed.
* "Well, again(,) your ranch would be a great place for drug cartels to hide the drugs until they're distributed."
* Optional--consider using contraction here:
"Thank you. Your grandfather is a Shaman, right?"
"Thank you. Your grandfather's a Shaman, right?"
here too:
"I'm sure you know peyote is an illegal drug. Mescaline is derived
"I'm sure you know peyote's an illegal drug. Mescaline's derived
* It's my understanding that the Lipan Apaches(,) who went with the Mescalero Apaches to live on reservations in New Mexico and Arizona(,) continued the practice well into the 1960's. The small group who remained behind never used peyote."
*
"That isn't a problem because these Lipan Apaches fear peyote for two reasons;(:) first, they believe
*
"Not a problem." Soni, Alex, and the two dogs escorted the Home Land Security Agent through the house.
I think just saying 'agent' would be best here, since the reader already knows who he is:
"Not a problem." Soni, Alex, and the two dogs escorted the agent through the house.
or, even just using 'him':
"Not a problem." Soni, Alex, and the two dogs escorted him through the house.
Since most of the above are optional, five stars for you, dear B.
Blessings, rd
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2014
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This drew me in and it's well paced with good characterization nicely enhanced by swift-paced dialog too. Good build up of subtle tension with the agent. I sense some more plot development unfolding relating to the land issues, etc.
NOTES and small suggestions (mostly optional, but recommended)
* Hughes handed Soni a thick stapled packet of legal looking papers,
legal-looking papers
*The best I can tell(,) this land has livestock roaming freely and is open to wild life. Plus(,) quite a few oil wells and farm land."
*Both men signed agreeing that(,) as of July seventeen of 1884(,) this Lipan Apache's tribe could live on the designated land as long as the Adler family agreed.
* "Well, again(,) your ranch would be a great place for drug cartels to hide the drugs until they're distributed."
* Optional--consider using contraction here:
"Thank you. Your grandfather is a Shaman, right?"
"Thank you. Your grandfather's a Shaman, right?"
here too:
"I'm sure you know peyote is an illegal drug. Mescaline is derived
"I'm sure you know peyote's an illegal drug. Mescaline's derived
* It's my understanding that the Lipan Apaches(,) who went with the Mescalero Apaches to live on reservations in New Mexico and Arizona(,) continued the practice well into the 1960's. The small group who remained behind never used peyote."
*
"That isn't a problem because these Lipan Apaches fear peyote for two reasons;(:) first, they believe
*
"Not a problem." Soni, Alex, and the two dogs escorted the Home Land Security Agent through the house.
I think just saying 'agent' would be best here, since the reader already knows who he is:
"Not a problem." Soni, Alex, and the two dogs escorted the agent through the house.
or, even just using 'him':
"Not a problem." Soni, Alex, and the two dogs escorted him through the house.
Since most of the above are optional, five stars for you, dear B.
Blessings, rd
Comment Written 11-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2014
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I made most of the changes. One of the contractions I'd thought about when I was writing but decided to leave it as two words for effect. Thank you for your help. You already know I hate commas
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Thanks, dear B. Yes, those commas are perky things. I did not have a handle on them, either, for many years. Learned lots here on FS!
Love, rd
Comment from pbroussard209
This was a well thought out chapter. I found it extremely interesting, my only suggestion would maybe give a brief description of Hughes. Young or older, hair color, handsome or not handsome. Just something to give the reader something to latch on to, otherwise at least with me my visual of him keeps changing.
I like the layer of mystery you added with this character.
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2014
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This was a well thought out chapter. I found it extremely interesting, my only suggestion would maybe give a brief description of Hughes. Young or older, hair color, handsome or not handsome. Just something to give the reader something to latch on to, otherwise at least with me my visual of him keeps changing.
I like the layer of mystery you added with this character.
Comment Written 11-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2014
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Soni describes him later to Jim. Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from AAud
I really enjoyed this installment. Because the story is a romance, I keep trying to guess who Soni's love interest will be. At first I thought it might be Jim, but then he disappeared. Now I'm wondering if it will end up being Robert Hughes. I love guessing, so don't tell. LOL
Your dialog was awesome. There might have been a few places where the double quotes at the start of dialog was missing, but probably another reviewer has already caught them.
I like how complex Soni is. She was justifiably brusque with Robert Hughes when he started asking about the legalities of her workers, and you portrayed that wonderfully through dialog and her actions. In the beginning, I expected her to be more suspicious when Robert first introduced himself as being from Homeland Security. However, her behavior could be another aspect of her character and the fact that she's polite. I was just surprised that she volunteered so much information about her relationship with Miguel. Would she tell someone she just met that Miguel asked her out? It's quite possible that she would, but I just wanted to be sure.
Wow! What a surprise when Robert mentioned the "small print" about returning the entire tribe to the reservation if anyone breaks Federal Law. Great conflict potential!
I would have liked a little internal dialog showing what Soni was thinking when Robert asked for a tour of the ranch house. Even though she knows everything they're doing is on the "up-and-up" I wanted to know if she was secretly resenting him for nosing around.
I'll miss your frequent posts when you go back to school!
But I'll keep an eye out for when you can add another installment.
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2014
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I really enjoyed this installment. Because the story is a romance, I keep trying to guess who Soni's love interest will be. At first I thought it might be Jim, but then he disappeared. Now I'm wondering if it will end up being Robert Hughes. I love guessing, so don't tell. LOL
Your dialog was awesome. There might have been a few places where the double quotes at the start of dialog was missing, but probably another reviewer has already caught them.
I like how complex Soni is. She was justifiably brusque with Robert Hughes when he started asking about the legalities of her workers, and you portrayed that wonderfully through dialog and her actions. In the beginning, I expected her to be more suspicious when Robert first introduced himself as being from Homeland Security. However, her behavior could be another aspect of her character and the fact that she's polite. I was just surprised that she volunteered so much information about her relationship with Miguel. Would she tell someone she just met that Miguel asked her out? It's quite possible that she would, but I just wanted to be sure.
Wow! What a surprise when Robert mentioned the "small print" about returning the entire tribe to the reservation if anyone breaks Federal Law. Great conflict potential!
I would have liked a little internal dialog showing what Soni was thinking when Robert asked for a tour of the ranch house. Even though she knows everything they're doing is on the "up-and-up" I wanted to know if she was secretly resenting him for nosing around.
I'll miss your frequent posts when you go back to school!
But I'll keep an eye out for when you can add another installment.
Comment Written 11-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2014
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In a previous novel, I used a lot of internal dialogue and a publisher told me to take most of it out, so now I am cautious about using it. Thank you for the kind review. I will still post on Sunday's but the post will be shorter.
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I guess that's true, you don't want a lot of internal dialog, but sometimes a little can help.
I'm also starting a job at a school soon, but my posts are sure to be farther apart than Sundays. LOL
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
Paige has a visitor. (wrong name)
A good chapter. That is a lot of land to keep track of! This should prove to be an interesting investigation. Take care, my friend~Debbie
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2014
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Paige has a visitor. (wrong name)
A good chapter. That is a lot of land to keep track of! This should prove to be an interesting investigation. Take care, my friend~Debbie
Comment Written 11-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2014
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written, Barbara, this is longer than your usual posts, but I am glad for it. I love to read anything that you write. I have to get back to answering reviews. I have almost 200 to answer because I couldn't do it on the other computer
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2014
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this is very well written, Barbara, this is longer than your usual posts, but I am glad for it. I love to read anything that you write. I have to get back to answering reviews. I have almost 200 to answer because I couldn't do it on the other computer
Comment Written 11-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2014
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Oh my, you will be busy. Thank you for dropping by and leaving this kind review.
Comment from Cian Mateo
It's alarming that Home Land Security would choose to focus on an established Native American culture, with threats of displacement; when their focus should be illegal drug activity and human trafficking--wouldn't you think?!
Good storyline continues. So many questions unanswered that continue to hold the reader's attention.
What about Jim? And, Miguel? Who showed so much interest in Midnight.
Look forward to this continued storyline.
Cian
So many questions unanswered. And, I look forward to finding out the answers.
As always, your description and dialogue I look forward to your next post.
Cian
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2014
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It's alarming that Home Land Security would choose to focus on an established Native American culture, with threats of displacement; when their focus should be illegal drug activity and human trafficking--wouldn't you think?!
Good storyline continues. So many questions unanswered that continue to hold the reader's attention.
What about Jim? And, Miguel? Who showed so much interest in Midnight.
Look forward to this continued storyline.
Cian
So many questions unanswered. And, I look forward to finding out the answers.
As always, your description and dialogue I look forward to your next post.
Cian
Comment Written 11-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2014
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Thank you for dropping by and leaving this kind review.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Very interesting developments. So they have nothing better to do than pick on some poor Indians who have a nice place to live and aren't bothering anyone. They'd like nothing better than to force them from their home and onto some desolate federal reservation. This is so close to the truth about our sick govt that it's hard to read.
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2014
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Very interesting developments. So they have nothing better to do than pick on some poor Indians who have a nice place to live and aren't bothering anyone. They'd like nothing better than to force them from their home and onto some desolate federal reservation. This is so close to the truth about our sick govt that it's hard to read.
Comment Written 10-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2014
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Thank you for dropping by and leaving this kind review.
Comment from CALLAHANMR
Hi Barbara:)
Now you are getting to the heart of this story. Your readers still don't know who Jim is, but It appears to be no coincidence that Robert Hughes knows who Miguel Sanchez is, since he quickly came up with a last name before Soni mentioned it.
Now I suspect that Miguel is a government agent working with Hughes in some capacity. After all Miguel asked a lot of questions about Soni's grandfather being an Lipan Apache Shaman and if he used peyote in his rituals. I wondered why Miguel questioned Soni so much at the time.
I only found one small nit: Alex and Soni's eyes met as they watched Robert place the bottom of [this ==> his] thumb against a rectangular pad on the edge of the metal briefcase and it opened.{A typo?}
I'm certainly ready to find out more about the government interest in Soni's ranch. You have my love and Irish Hugs for continued interest,
Roger
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2014
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Hi Barbara:)
Now you are getting to the heart of this story. Your readers still don't know who Jim is, but It appears to be no coincidence that Robert Hughes knows who Miguel Sanchez is, since he quickly came up with a last name before Soni mentioned it.
Now I suspect that Miguel is a government agent working with Hughes in some capacity. After all Miguel asked a lot of questions about Soni's grandfather being an Lipan Apache Shaman and if he used peyote in his rituals. I wondered why Miguel questioned Soni so much at the time.
I only found one small nit: Alex and Soni's eyes met as they watched Robert place the bottom of [this ==> his] thumb against a rectangular pad on the edge of the metal briefcase and it opened.{A typo?}
I'm certainly ready to find out more about the government interest in Soni's ranch. You have my love and Irish Hugs for continued interest,
Roger
Comment Written 10-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2014
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Thank you for dropping by and leaving this kind review. Thank you for catching that typo, will fix it.
Comment from abbasjoy
There is a lot of detailed description about the land and where it extends to, and I guess Hughes is trying to tell Soni, with the vastness of the ranch there is no way she could be aware of all that is going on.
Soni is quite sharp and seems to have all her ducks in a row, but Hughes sounds like he wants to intimidate her.
What of Jim? Whose side is he on and where is he?
I like the suspense regarding Jim's disappearance, it keeps us guessing. I suppose we'll soon find out.
Good job, Barbara!
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2014
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There is a lot of detailed description about the land and where it extends to, and I guess Hughes is trying to tell Soni, with the vastness of the ranch there is no way she could be aware of all that is going on.
Soni is quite sharp and seems to have all her ducks in a row, but Hughes sounds like he wants to intimidate her.
What of Jim? Whose side is he on and where is he?
I like the suspense regarding Jim's disappearance, it keeps us guessing. I suppose we'll soon find out.
Good job, Barbara!
Comment Written 10-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2014
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Thank you for dropping by and leaving this kind review.
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You are welcome.
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hi Barb,
And so the plot thickens. Indeed Hughes did a most illegal search, all under the guise of architecture.
Should be interesting to find if all Hughes mentioned had been going on, or part.
Heads are gonna roll!
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'.... Jax ('^')
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2014
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Hi Barb,
And so the plot thickens. Indeed Hughes did a most illegal search, all under the guise of architecture.
Should be interesting to find if all Hughes mentioned had been going on, or part.
Heads are gonna roll!
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'.... Jax ('^')
Comment Written 10-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2014
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Thank you for dropping by and leaving this kind review.
