Sweet Jasmine
Whisked away to a distant shore...60 total reviews
Comment from Tomes Johnston
This is yet another dark and foreboding tale that the author has created with this piece of writing. I am left feeling that these lovers will be reunited in the afterlife. Good luck with the contest.
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This is yet another dark and foreboding tale that the author has created with this piece of writing. I am left feeling that these lovers will be reunited in the afterlife. Good luck with the contest.
Comment Written 07-Aug-2014
Comment from GE Parson
Brother Dean,
If you need a little help writing English Sonnets I can give you as little help as any one.
I think it is really very good - but of course coming from
some one who doesn't know one breed from another, doesn't
mean anything.
God Bless my Brother,
Your Friend,
Jerry
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Brother Dean,
If you need a little help writing English Sonnets I can give you as little help as any one.
I think it is really very good - but of course coming from
some one who doesn't know one breed from another, doesn't
mean anything.
God Bless my Brother,
Your Friend,
Jerry
Comment Written 07-Aug-2014
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
You learnt from the best, Dean, and you learnt well. She will be well chuffed! I like this, the sadness, the grief, the love, the pain, it's all there to make a really good sonnet for the contest. Good Luck! xsx Sandra
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You learnt from the best, Dean, and you learnt well. She will be well chuffed! I like this, the sadness, the grief, the love, the pain, it's all there to make a really good sonnet for the contest. Good Luck! xsx Sandra
Comment Written 07-Aug-2014
Comment from emrpoems
Once a poet always a poet no matter what the form. If Shakespeare could read this I think he would be proud.
Excellent use of alliteration throughout the entire poem
Good use of the abab rhyming scheme. Fantastic presentation and excellent choice of words
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Once a poet always a poet no matter what the form. If Shakespeare could read this I think he would be proud.
Excellent use of alliteration throughout the entire poem
Good use of the abab rhyming scheme. Fantastic presentation and excellent choice of words
Comment Written 07-Aug-2014
Comment from Christine B.
I don't believe this poem requires any improvement. Cheers to your original attempt, Dean Kuch. I am reminded of Wuthering Heights', a dear favorite of mine. Lovely, darkly lovely!
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I don't believe this poem requires any improvement. Cheers to your original attempt, Dean Kuch. I am reminded of Wuthering Heights', a dear favorite of mine. Lovely, darkly lovely!
Comment Written 07-Aug-2014
Comment from Jay Squires
I'm no expert on the English Sonnet, either, but you did what you do best:
You tell a story that is gripping and mysterious, and wrap it in words that are distinctly your own... and your last two lines rhymed.
If that's not an English Sonnet, then Sonnet be damned & England be collectively albeit virtually flogged as a pompous advocate of empty form!
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I'm no expert on the English Sonnet, either, but you did what you do best:
You tell a story that is gripping and mysterious, and wrap it in words that are distinctly your own... and your last two lines rhymed.
If that's not an English Sonnet, then Sonnet be damned & England be collectively albeit virtually flogged as a pompous advocate of empty form!
Comment Written 07-Aug-2014
Comment from Acquired Taste
Dean, I prepared myself when the photo of Jasmine appeared - I just knew it would explode or melt before my eyes...I was not prepared for the bloody angel to open its' eyes - that, sir, is spooky.
I think your sonnet is excellent and very sad - whether it is technically accurate I cannot fairly judge - I like what I like. This appeals to me. Jean
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Dean, I prepared myself when the photo of Jasmine appeared - I just knew it would explode or melt before my eyes...I was not prepared for the bloody angel to open its' eyes - that, sir, is spooky.
I think your sonnet is excellent and very sad - whether it is technically accurate I cannot fairly judge - I like what I like. This appeals to me. Jean
Comment Written 07-Aug-2014
Comment from Domino 2
Hi, Deano.
As you specifically ask for tips, here's my humble line by line review:
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Twixt twilight's smooth black velvet evening gown - top meter with silent 'evening' middle syllable
yon daybreak sings such sweet sad songs to me - tops again with excellent alliteration and poetic feel, though I'm not a fan of 'oldy' type words like 'yon'. but it does work here.
Lest I should flounder beneath cold, cold ground - meter is out here, starting with 'beneath' which is emphasised as 'be-NEATH' and therefore has two unstressed syllables running. Maybe something like:
'lest-I-should-FLOUND-er-'NEATH-the-FROZ-en-GROUND'
beseech death release its cold hold on thee - meter is out again with 're-LEASE' NOT SURE WHAT TO SUGGEST TO RETAIN YOUR MEANING
Twas on the morrow, I would soon be wed - TOP METER
yet fickle fate stepped in to intervene; - TOPS AGAIN PLUS ALLITERATION
vile sickness rendered my sweet Jasmine dead, JUST OK WHEN PRONOUNCING 'VILE' AS UN-EMPHASISED
left me here bereft - sallowed - in between. METER OUT, AS YOU START WITH A STRESSED SYLLABLE AND THE WHOLE LINE IS JUMPY
Her bright sapphire eyes will shine nevermore, METER OUT AS I PRONOUNCE AS [SA-phire]
'tis death stole their glorious gleam away. METER OUT
Whisking my love off to gray gloomy shores, NOT QUITE RIGHT AS YOU AGAIN START WITH EMPHASISED SYLLABLE. EASILY RECTIFIED BY [to-WHISK-my-LOVE-a-AWAY...']
death declared I stay back to rue the day. OFF AGAIN AS YOU START WITH EMPHASISED SYLLABLE. MAYBE SOMETHING LIKE;
'as-DEATH-de-CLARED-i-RUE-that-HAP-less-DAY'
Should I find the ferryman anchored there -- METER OUT
I'll beg he take me to my lady fair - TOP METER.
LOVELY SONNET THEME/FEEL, POETIC WORD CHOICES AND EXCELLENT RHYMES.
HOPE THAT HELPS A LITTLE, MY FRIEND.
CHEERS, RAY
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2014
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Hi, Deano.
As you specifically ask for tips, here's my humble line by line review:
__________________
Twixt twilight's smooth black velvet evening gown - top meter with silent 'evening' middle syllable
yon daybreak sings such sweet sad songs to me - tops again with excellent alliteration and poetic feel, though I'm not a fan of 'oldy' type words like 'yon'. but it does work here.
Lest I should flounder beneath cold, cold ground - meter is out here, starting with 'beneath' which is emphasised as 'be-NEATH' and therefore has two unstressed syllables running. Maybe something like:
'lest-I-should-FLOUND-er-'NEATH-the-FROZ-en-GROUND'
beseech death release its cold hold on thee - meter is out again with 're-LEASE' NOT SURE WHAT TO SUGGEST TO RETAIN YOUR MEANING
Twas on the morrow, I would soon be wed - TOP METER
yet fickle fate stepped in to intervene; - TOPS AGAIN PLUS ALLITERATION
vile sickness rendered my sweet Jasmine dead, JUST OK WHEN PRONOUNCING 'VILE' AS UN-EMPHASISED
left me here bereft - sallowed - in between. METER OUT, AS YOU START WITH A STRESSED SYLLABLE AND THE WHOLE LINE IS JUMPY
Her bright sapphire eyes will shine nevermore, METER OUT AS I PRONOUNCE AS [SA-phire]
'tis death stole their glorious gleam away. METER OUT
Whisking my love off to gray gloomy shores, NOT QUITE RIGHT AS YOU AGAIN START WITH EMPHASISED SYLLABLE. EASILY RECTIFIED BY [to-WHISK-my-LOVE-a-AWAY...']
death declared I stay back to rue the day. OFF AGAIN AS YOU START WITH EMPHASISED SYLLABLE. MAYBE SOMETHING LIKE;
'as-DEATH-de-CLARED-i-RUE-that-HAP-less-DAY'
Should I find the ferryman anchored there -- METER OUT
I'll beg he take me to my lady fair - TOP METER.
LOVELY SONNET THEME/FEEL, POETIC WORD CHOICES AND EXCELLENT RHYMES.
HOPE THAT HELPS A LITTLE, MY FRIEND.
CHEERS, RAY
Comment Written 07-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2014
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Thanks a million, Rayman, and this is exactly the kind of excellent feedback I was hoping to get for this. We both know that I struggle mightily with meter. And being that a sonnet incorporates a true iambic pentameter, I was always afraid to try to write on. As I say, I am no poet, by I do try very hard, LOL.
Thanks again, Ray, and I will get on making some changes right away!
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As I've said before, Dean, meter REALLY becomes easy and 2nd nature after a little practice.
Try reading each line aloud and nod your head to the EMPHASISED syllables (2nd and then alternate).
You - 'no poet'? You have to be joking mate.
Maybe practise with 8686 syllable lined verses (tetrameter/trimester), as they're easier than pentameter to start.
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I should have written my line suggestion emphasis as:
'as-DEATH-de-CLARED-i-RUE-that-HAP-less-DAY'
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Oh...I did anyway. D'OH.
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I got it , Rayman, and have made the changes.
Thanks, my friend!
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SO much better, Deano. You're a natural!
3rd line, 1st stanza, and 1st line of couplet still need work.
You've not only evened out the meter, but you've added alliteration and more apt poetic words, from that which I recall.
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Thanks for all of your kind support and assistance, Rayman. I will endeavor to keep honing it to make it even better. Since I have made your suggestions, along with Honeycombs, it has gotten a six star review! Yay!
Thanks again, my dear friend. Much appreciated! :}
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How about:
'should-FERR-y-MAN-be-AN-chored-FAR-or-NEAR'
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Okaey-dokey, Ray, I will try that and see...
Comment from drivenbackward
As you might already know, I'm not as skilled at reviewing poetry, but it seems as though this dark gem is about a man's pain after losing his love and then wanting to join her since the pain is so deep. But I could be way off. Either way, very well written.
sallowed -- Is this the word you intend? If so, I'm not familiar with it. That said, I'm sure it exists.
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2014
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As you might already know, I'm not as skilled at reviewing poetry, but it seems as though this dark gem is about a man's pain after losing his love and then wanting to join her since the pain is so deep. But I could be way off. Either way, very well written.
sallowed -- Is this the word you intend? If so, I'm not familiar with it. That said, I'm sure it exists.
Comment Written 07-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2014
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sallow-
? adj
1. (esp of human skin) of an unhealthy pale or yellowish color. To make ill or pale
? vb
2.( tr ) to make sallow
[Old English salu; related to Old Norse sol seaweed (Icelandic solr yellowish), Old High German salo, French- dirty]
You're absolutely right, DB, that is exactly what the sonnet is about. As far as the word, "sallowed", it is archaic, Old Norse. It means literally to feel so ill that you turn green, or yellow. Poe used it quite a few times...
Thanks for the review, my friend. Much obliged, and congrats on your recent success.
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Cool word. Thank you! Great poem. And thanks.
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You are welcome, DB, and my thanks to you, buddy! :}
Comment from boxergirl
Hey, Dean. I think you have done an outstanding job with your sonnet. I am trying to pen one as well, but so far, my muse isn't cooperating. Syllables and rhyme scheme look good and the sad tone spills out as well. Good job! 8-)
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2014
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Hey, Dean. I think you have done an outstanding job with your sonnet. I am trying to pen one as well, but so far, my muse isn't cooperating. Syllables and rhyme scheme look good and the sad tone spills out as well. Good job! 8-)
Comment Written 07-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2014
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Thank you very much, boxergirl. I sincerely appreciate you very encouraging words, my friend. I wish you the best of luck in writing your own. It'll come to you eventually, and if it is anything like my Sweet Jasmine, it will sneak up on you and cause to to leap out of the bed at 3:00 and begin writing it down, LOL.
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Ha! Thanks for sharing that visual, Dean! lol
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:) No sweat, BG, heh-heh...
