Zerubbabel Baxter
rhyming quatrains in 6/5/6/5148 total reviews
Comment from Lulube
And what a handle that name is. Sounds like a red wine from Africa. lol Great rhyming story Brooke.
And I even have a couple of suggestions, being an old sea girl as such, they just popped into my view.
first verse you introduce the two guys by their given names and nicknames
second verse you address them as sailors, one with given and one with nickname.
When I was reading it I expected both to be named with their nicknames
so suggestion
could bring to these sailors
Mr. Tee and Mr. Zee.
verse 10 suggestion
2 last lines say but soon it will plunge
to the Ocean's deep floor
try but soon it will plunge
deep to the Ocean's floor
only cause the floor isn't deep but it's deep to the floor
verse 11 a little seamans jargen for where it will sink
and ships that are rotting
will sink far below
try this
and ships that are rotting
sink to down below
that's my suggestions had to share
lulube
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2014
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And what a handle that name is. Sounds like a red wine from Africa. lol Great rhyming story Brooke.
And I even have a couple of suggestions, being an old sea girl as such, they just popped into my view.
first verse you introduce the two guys by their given names and nicknames
second verse you address them as sailors, one with given and one with nickname.
When I was reading it I expected both to be named with their nicknames
so suggestion
could bring to these sailors
Mr. Tee and Mr. Zee.
verse 10 suggestion
2 last lines say but soon it will plunge
to the Ocean's deep floor
try but soon it will plunge
deep to the Ocean's floor
only cause the floor isn't deep but it's deep to the floor
verse 11 a little seamans jargen for where it will sink
and ships that are rotting
will sink far below
try this
and ships that are rotting
sink to down below
that's my suggestions had to share
lulube
Comment Written 07-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2014
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Thank you, lulube, for your thoughtful feedback :-) unfortunately, you suggestions don't fit in with the poem's meter/cadence
Brooke :-) Brooke
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sorry about that Brooke didn't count just read
lulube
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:-)
Comment from nancyjam
What a great story - I love the name Zerubbabel Baxter!
and the cute situation where neither character would give in so
they went nowhere.
Fun rhyming and bouncy rhythm would make this a
terrific read for little boys. Nancy
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2014
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What a great story - I love the name Zerubbabel Baxter!
and the cute situation where neither character would give in so
they went nowhere.
Fun rhyming and bouncy rhythm would make this a
terrific read for little boys. Nancy
Comment Written 07-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2014
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Nancy, thank you so much :-) Brooke
Comment from daeneam
Greatly penned, Brooke! We surely couldn't accomplish anything if both remained stubborn. One should learn to give way.
c", Mae
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2014
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Greatly penned, Brooke! We surely couldn't accomplish anything if both remained stubborn. One should learn to give way.
c", Mae
Comment Written 06-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2014
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Mae, thank you so much :-) Brooke
Comment from Just2Write
Zerubbabel is a tough name to get your mouth around - perhaps a good name to listen to in story telling, but harder if you're reading it off the screen.
A good story about him and Tobias (a name a little easier on the tongue, that's for sure)
I liked this stanza the best:
They argued through midnight,
then morning till noon --
soon stars turned to sunlight,
then sunlight to moon.
There's a great lesson in this story about compromise and/or the power of persuasion.
As always, Brooke - you spin a marvellous yarn.
Rose.
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2014
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Zerubbabel is a tough name to get your mouth around - perhaps a good name to listen to in story telling, but harder if you're reading it off the screen.
A good story about him and Tobias (a name a little easier on the tongue, that's for sure)
I liked this stanza the best:
They argued through midnight,
then morning till noon --
soon stars turned to sunlight,
then sunlight to moon.
There's a great lesson in this story about compromise and/or the power of persuasion.
As always, Brooke - you spin a marvellous yarn.
Rose.
Comment Written 06-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2014
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Thanks so much, Rose - the kids in Bible School got a huge kick out of saying this name aloud :-) Brooke
Comment from Aplgwest
Brooke, before I read that you took the name from the Old Testament I thought that someone's child nowadays has to suffer with that name. At first, I thought "poor kid," but I have repeated Zerubbabel out loud a few times, I kind of like it. Your story is witty, cleverly written, and of course the poetry is a flowing stream.--Elaine
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2014
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Brooke, before I read that you took the name from the Old Testament I thought that someone's child nowadays has to suffer with that name. At first, I thought "poor kid," but I have repeated Zerubbabel out loud a few times, I kind of like it. Your story is witty, cleverly written, and of course the poetry is a flowing stream.--Elaine
Comment Written 06-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2014
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Elaine, thank you - all the kids at Bible School had a hoot saying the name :-) Brooke
Comment from Charlene0513
To adewpearl,
When to overly anxious sea-goers are determined to have their own way only, something has to give and their animosity towards each other sealed their own fates.
Continual use of enjambments.
But had a nice flow and was very consistent
Charlene
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2014
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To adewpearl,
When to overly anxious sea-goers are determined to have their own way only, something has to give and their animosity towards each other sealed their own fates.
Continual use of enjambments.
But had a nice flow and was very consistent
Charlene
Comment Written 06-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2014
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Charlene, thank you so much :-) Brooke
Comment from jmdg1954
Zerubbabel... Never heard that name before (not that, that means anything), but you put it to good use in a magnificent story in a poem inspired by your teachings and Sawyer and his friend.
Nicely done, Brooke. John
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2014
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Zerubbabel... Never heard that name before (not that, that means anything), but you put it to good use in a magnificent story in a poem inspired by your teachings and Sawyer and his friend.
Nicely done, Brooke. John
Comment Written 06-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2014
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John, thanks so much :-) Brooke
Comment from mommydear42
Okay, to the queen of childrens' poems. You scored big again.
Another little gem for my Brooke notebook. You do know, of course, that I'm terribly jealous of your ability. I often sweat bullets when writing. It's not unlike having a tooth pulled. You poem's seem to flow along, rhyme and rhythm
rolling from your thoughts. I did like this very much. Keep them coming.
mommydear42
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2014
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Okay, to the queen of childrens' poems. You scored big again.
Another little gem for my Brooke notebook. You do know, of course, that I'm terribly jealous of your ability. I often sweat bullets when writing. It's not unlike having a tooth pulled. You poem's seem to flow along, rhyme and rhythm
rolling from your thoughts. I did like this very much. Keep them coming.
mommydear42
Comment Written 06-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2014
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mommydear, thank you so much :-) Brooke
Comment from CHIGYSISKI
I LIKE THE IMAGE THAT GOES WITH THIS POEM AND THE SHORT FORMS TEE AND ZEE WHICH GIVE US A FEELING THAT THESE CHARACTERS WERE YOUNG LIKE THE CHILDREN IN THE IMAGE.IT IS AMAZING HOW MUCH CATASTROPHE CAN OCCUR WHEN PARTIES INVOLVED IN AN ISSUE INSIST ON HAVING THEIR WAY. WE NEED MORE TOLERANCE IN EVERY SPHERE OF OUR LIVES. WELL DONE! LOVELY WORK.
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2014
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I LIKE THE IMAGE THAT GOES WITH THIS POEM AND THE SHORT FORMS TEE AND ZEE WHICH GIVE US A FEELING THAT THESE CHARACTERS WERE YOUNG LIKE THE CHILDREN IN THE IMAGE.IT IS AMAZING HOW MUCH CATASTROPHE CAN OCCUR WHEN PARTIES INVOLVED IN AN ISSUE INSIST ON HAVING THEIR WAY. WE NEED MORE TOLERANCE IN EVERY SPHERE OF OUR LIVES. WELL DONE! LOVELY WORK.
Comment Written 06-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2014
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Thank you so much, Chigysiski, for your thoughtful reading of this poem :-) Brooke
Comment from Selina Stambi
Zerubbabel Baxter
(whose friends called him Zee)
made plans with Tobias
(whose friends called him Tee). .. oh, I'm smiling already !
Zerubabel, son of Shealtiel ... he was also a direct ancestor of Jesus.
Such delicious piece, Brooke! This one is very reminiscent of Seuss.
I'd love to see this one win.
Sonali :)
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2014
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Zerubbabel Baxter
(whose friends called him Zee)
made plans with Tobias
(whose friends called him Tee). .. oh, I'm smiling already !
Zerubabel, son of Shealtiel ... he was also a direct ancestor of Jesus.
Such delicious piece, Brooke! This one is very reminiscent of Seuss.
I'd love to see this one win.
Sonali :)
Comment Written 06-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2014
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Sonali, thank you so much for your encouraging review :-) Brooke
