Creepy Poems
Viewing comments for Chapter 23 "Beware the Trees"A touch of Fear
16 total reviews
Comment from Eigle Rull
This poem was very well written with a perfect flow of the words. It was very scary and made the hair on the back of MY neck rise. Your words are easy to read and understand. I enjoyed reading this horrible little poem. It was excellent, my friend.
Always with respect,
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2014
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This poem was very well written with a perfect flow of the words. It was very scary and made the hair on the back of MY neck rise. Your words are easy to read and understand. I enjoyed reading this horrible little poem. It was excellent, my friend.
Always with respect,
Comment Written 12-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2014
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Thank you Eigle.
Comment from Pyrrho
Whatever you call it, it is principally an aabccb rhyme scheme that demands of the reader or the one reciting that they give it a galloping flow.
It is the vehicle Robert Service used so effectively in many of his masterpieces. You almost did it perfectly and only used one or two forced rhymes.
With a bit of work this could be a masterpiece, but I am going to award you a six-star outstanding assessment because it is so rare on this site to find such a nearly perfect gem.
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2014
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Whatever you call it, it is principally an aabccb rhyme scheme that demands of the reader or the one reciting that they give it a galloping flow.
It is the vehicle Robert Service used so effectively in many of his masterpieces. You almost did it perfectly and only used one or two forced rhymes.
With a bit of work this could be a masterpiece, but I am going to award you a six-star outstanding assessment because it is so rare on this site to find such a nearly perfect gem.
Comment Written 12-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2014
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Thank you Phrrho. I am very pleased with you comments and ranking.
Comment from adewpearl
Fantastic pairing of photo and poem
an interesting form
excellent use of alliteration
vivid descriptive detail
strong rhymes and internal rhymes
traveler's tales - travelers' - plural possessive
effective use of personification
you successfully create an eerie mood, and this sounds great when read aloud :-) Brooke
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2014
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Fantastic pairing of photo and poem
an interesting form
excellent use of alliteration
vivid descriptive detail
strong rhymes and internal rhymes
traveler's tales - travelers' - plural possessive
effective use of personification
you successfully create an eerie mood, and this sounds great when read aloud :-) Brooke
Comment Written 02-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2014
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Thank you Brooke i appreciate your detailed review and comments. Will fix that one sprag
Comment from Green Lake Girl
Excellently penned, Tom! Firstly, love the photograph. I can definitely see the ominous qualities of these (normally) life-giving trees. I love the internal rhyme.
My favorite line:
"For danger lurks in old earthworks concealed within the grass."
I'll never look at trees quite the same way again. Great job!
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2014
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Excellently penned, Tom! Firstly, love the photograph. I can definitely see the ominous qualities of these (normally) life-giving trees. I love the internal rhyme.
My favorite line:
"For danger lurks in old earthworks concealed within the grass."
I'll never look at trees quite the same way again. Great job!
Comment Written 02-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2014
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Thank you . Glad you liked it.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
This poem is really good, Tom. Trees at night are really evil looking yet the next day in daylight, they can look totally different. Your photo is brilliant, I can see exactly where your words came from. I loved the internal rhyme too, it had blustery blowing feel, ideal for walking through the eerie feel of the trees at night! :) Sandra
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2014
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This poem is really good, Tom. Trees at night are really evil looking yet the next day in daylight, they can look totally different. Your photo is brilliant, I can see exactly where your words came from. I loved the internal rhyme too, it had blustery blowing feel, ideal for walking through the eerie feel of the trees at night! :) Sandra
Comment Written 01-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2014
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Thank you Sandra. Yes, they can be scary. I always feel like Icabod Crane.
Comment from Angel Debbie
A keep at the edge of the seat write.
Very different and entertaining.
Add a little fog and night and it would be a great hallows eve write.
Thanks for sharing this wonderful poetic art.
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2014
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A keep at the edge of the seat write.
Very different and entertaining.
Add a little fog and night and it would be a great hallows eve write.
Thanks for sharing this wonderful poetic art.
Comment Written 31-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2014
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Thank you Angel Debbie.
Comment from RGstar
Treischel,, a very good first attempt.. Your storyline is perfect
A couple of things that would enhance it which were not quite evident; in hindsight, I would not expect you to get at first try. Be careful of the second stanza, your first line is a little long and not the same rhythm as your first stanza.
Your first four normal lines of your first stanza have perfect rhythm
Try to make the refrain two separate phrases rather than one sentence, perhaps something similar to a chant or saying.
Your last four lined refrain is fantastic.
''There's an evil breeze
flowing through those trees.''
Perhaps; There's an evil, evil breeze
Beware,beware those trees
1) 'PACE' LINE= offers speed and an injection of emotion, intense or soft.
2) 'COMMAND' LINE = directs an order or a wish for a special action, strong or soft.
3) 'DRUM ROLL' LINE = creates that special rhythm in answer or in influence to the line before.
(A drum roll line usually follows or is in response to a line before. Do not start your stanza with it.)
These are the secret to a good 'Tambour', they can be used one or more times in one stanza in creating the mood, speed and feel of your poem.
Pace lines and the short syllable (Command lines) break up the rhythm of your base, or normal, lines .. followed directly by a long syllable ( Drum roll line) in answer to it or influenced by it. Without these , the Tambour' would not be a Tambour'
The PACE lines throughout the poem are very important, because not only do they offer a break of rhythm, but what they contain or what they say are equally as important as syllables and rhythms they make.
I will give you an example below so you will understand what I mean by the 'PACE Line.' and the reasons why they are so important. Then, if I may, I will organize your first stanza, not to change the story, but to add the PACE line along with the short COMMAND Line and long syllable DRUM ROLL line.
I have used your first stanza as a marker so it is easier to compare with your original
Your original first Stanza
A forest glade with trees and shade, and travel trampled path
may harbor hosts of ghouls and ghosts, or hidden psychopaths.
For danger lurks in old earthworks concealed within the grass.
One seldom sees but even trees are hostile to trespass.
It's understood that even wood can contain an evil strain
that holds a grudge when strangers trudge within their harsh domain.
Unbidden, unwanted, traveler's tales say they're haunted
where only the bravest, the very bravest, can travel undaunted.
In this dark vale where travail may leave you pale
there's an old wives' tale that angry oaks can assail.
There's an evil breeze
flowing through those trees.
My Example with suggestions implemented for guidance only.
A forest glade with trees and shade, and travel trampled path
May harbor hosts of ghouls and ghosts, or hidden psychopaths.
For danger lurks in old earthworks concealed within the grass.
One seldom sees but even trees are hostile to trespass.
Command Line - Beware! The cunning trees, beware their evil strain
Drum Roll line - Which holds that grudge, when strangers trudge, within their harsh domain.
Unbidden and unwanted, traveler's say they're haunted
Where only the bravest brave, can travel there undaunted.
Within this darkest vale, where travail may leave you pale
Drum Roll line - There's an old wives' tale, a beaten trail; where angry oaks, assail, assail
There's an evil, evil breeze
Beware, beware those trees
A forest glade with trees and shade, and travel trampled path
May harbor hosts of ghouls and ghosts, or hidden psychopaths.
For danger lurks in old earthworks concealed within the grass.
One seldom sees but even trees are hostile to trespass.
Beware! Oh cunning trees, beware their evil strain
Which holds that grudge, when strangers trudge, within their harsh domain.
Unbidden and unwanted, traveler's say they're haunted
Where only the bravest brave, can travel there undaunted.
Within this darkest vale, where travail may leave you pale
There's an old wives' tale, a beaten trail; where angry oaks, assail, assail
There's an evil, evil breeze
Beware, beware those trees
Ok, good luck. I am making a competition for the 'Tambour'
so get writing your second one. There is a 30 dollar prize on top of the normal prize from so hope to see you contending. Great write Treischel. Hope this helps a bit.
Best wishes,
RG
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2014
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Treischel,, a very good first attempt.. Your storyline is perfect
A couple of things that would enhance it which were not quite evident; in hindsight, I would not expect you to get at first try. Be careful of the second stanza, your first line is a little long and not the same rhythm as your first stanza.
Your first four normal lines of your first stanza have perfect rhythm
Try to make the refrain two separate phrases rather than one sentence, perhaps something similar to a chant or saying.
Your last four lined refrain is fantastic.
''There's an evil breeze
flowing through those trees.''
Perhaps; There's an evil, evil breeze
Beware,beware those trees
1) 'PACE' LINE= offers speed and an injection of emotion, intense or soft.
2) 'COMMAND' LINE = directs an order or a wish for a special action, strong or soft.
3) 'DRUM ROLL' LINE = creates that special rhythm in answer or in influence to the line before.
(A drum roll line usually follows or is in response to a line before. Do not start your stanza with it.)
These are the secret to a good 'Tambour', they can be used one or more times in one stanza in creating the mood, speed and feel of your poem.
Pace lines and the short syllable (Command lines) break up the rhythm of your base, or normal, lines .. followed directly by a long syllable ( Drum roll line) in answer to it or influenced by it. Without these , the Tambour' would not be a Tambour'
The PACE lines throughout the poem are very important, because not only do they offer a break of rhythm, but what they contain or what they say are equally as important as syllables and rhythms they make.
I will give you an example below so you will understand what I mean by the 'PACE Line.' and the reasons why they are so important. Then, if I may, I will organize your first stanza, not to change the story, but to add the PACE line along with the short COMMAND Line and long syllable DRUM ROLL line.
I have used your first stanza as a marker so it is easier to compare with your original
Your original first Stanza
A forest glade with trees and shade, and travel trampled path
may harbor hosts of ghouls and ghosts, or hidden psychopaths.
For danger lurks in old earthworks concealed within the grass.
One seldom sees but even trees are hostile to trespass.
It's understood that even wood can contain an evil strain
that holds a grudge when strangers trudge within their harsh domain.
Unbidden, unwanted, traveler's tales say they're haunted
where only the bravest, the very bravest, can travel undaunted.
In this dark vale where travail may leave you pale
there's an old wives' tale that angry oaks can assail.
There's an evil breeze
flowing through those trees.
My Example with suggestions implemented for guidance only.
A forest glade with trees and shade, and travel trampled path
May harbor hosts of ghouls and ghosts, or hidden psychopaths.
For danger lurks in old earthworks concealed within the grass.
One seldom sees but even trees are hostile to trespass.
Command Line - Beware! The cunning trees, beware their evil strain
Drum Roll line - Which holds that grudge, when strangers trudge, within their harsh domain.
Unbidden and unwanted, traveler's say they're haunted
Where only the bravest brave, can travel there undaunted.
Within this darkest vale, where travail may leave you pale
Drum Roll line - There's an old wives' tale, a beaten trail; where angry oaks, assail, assail
There's an evil, evil breeze
Beware, beware those trees
A forest glade with trees and shade, and travel trampled path
May harbor hosts of ghouls and ghosts, or hidden psychopaths.
For danger lurks in old earthworks concealed within the grass.
One seldom sees but even trees are hostile to trespass.
Beware! Oh cunning trees, beware their evil strain
Which holds that grudge, when strangers trudge, within their harsh domain.
Unbidden and unwanted, traveler's say they're haunted
Where only the bravest brave, can travel there undaunted.
Within this darkest vale, where travail may leave you pale
There's an old wives' tale, a beaten trail; where angry oaks, assail, assail
There's an evil, evil breeze
Beware, beware those trees
Ok, good luck. I am making a competition for the 'Tambour'
so get writing your second one. There is a 30 dollar prize on top of the normal prize from so hope to see you contending. Great write Treischel. Hope this helps a bit.
Best wishes,
RG
Comment Written 31-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2014
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Thanks RG. Yes, I would have been good to have those instructions first. I read both of your and tried to figure it out, but there was no mention of pace and command lines. I like your modifications.
so basically there is an aabb quatrain followed by a command line, then a drum roll line, then a closing Quatrain incorporating a drum roll .
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Kind of..but no two poems will be the same. You can place the drum rolls where ever you like , but it always follow a shorter line or the shorter line may follow it if so desired.
The essence is the incorporation of each, somewhere in the stanza, sometimes even two command lines after each other as I have done in Gungalo's poem.
The rhythm must remain even unless you change them intentionally so be careful with rhythm and syllable count.
Best wishes,
Rg
Comment from Joan E.
I enjoyed your Tambour with the parade going past the personified trees plus your rhymes and use of alliteration. The parallel Animated Still is splendid--what a terrific ensemble! Cheers from Costa Rica, with many different kinds of trees- Joan
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2014
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I enjoyed your Tambour with the parade going past the personified trees plus your rhymes and use of alliteration. The parallel Animated Still is splendid--what a terrific ensemble! Cheers from Costa Rica, with many different kinds of trees- Joan
Comment Written 31-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2014
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Thank you Joan, yes, I'll bet there are. Complete with exotic creatures and birds.
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It has been raining a lot--well, it is the rainy season! We came now because we wanted to see the green sea turtles laying their eggs, and we were successful. Happy weekend to you when it arrives- Joan
Comment from Capricorn30
I kind of like your tree artwork, Tom;
As eerie as they look, they possess a unique beauty;
This is a great poem--enjoyed learning of the many possible frights we might encounter entering this wooded, quiet glade;
"may harbor hosts of ghouls and ghosts"
"travelers tales say they're haunted";
A spooky feel--great visual imagery; good alliteration;
A well-penned poem, caution needed for entering woodlands with human appendages.
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2014
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I kind of like your tree artwork, Tom;
As eerie as they look, they possess a unique beauty;
This is a great poem--enjoyed learning of the many possible frights we might encounter entering this wooded, quiet glade;
"may harbor hosts of ghouls and ghosts"
"travelers tales say they're haunted";
A spooky feel--great visual imagery; good alliteration;
A well-penned poem, caution needed for entering woodlands with human appendages.
Comment Written 31-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2014
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Thank you Margaret. I took a while to write this one, so I'm glad you liked it.
Comment from Zinnia48
This was an interesting, engaging, engrosssing story--and the fact that you contained it in sucha difficult format--I find daunting! I liked how you engaged the senses. I could see, hear, feel everything. Hope to read more from you! Caroline
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2014
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This was an interesting, engaging, engrosssing story--and the fact that you contained it in sucha difficult format--I find daunting! I liked how you engaged the senses. I could see, hear, feel everything. Hope to read more from you! Caroline
Comment Written 30-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2014
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Thank you Caroline.
