Along the Jericho Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 66 "Sota Moon, Part Two"Murder Mystery
39 total reviews
Comment from Liandra
the description brings the story alive. Excellent writing and visual. Very easy to see the action in progress.
(Brian slapped his forehead as if the blow would knock something loose.) Simple statement with a powerful punch. I've done that many times in frustration.
Liandra
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2014
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the description brings the story alive. Excellent writing and visual. Very easy to see the action in progress.
(Brian slapped his forehead as if the blow would knock something loose.) Simple statement with a powerful punch. I've done that many times in frustration.
Liandra
Comment Written 16-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2014
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Liandra, thank you very much for this gracious and generous review. I'm glad I'm not the only that tries to knock some sense into myself LoL. Much appreciate, my friend.
:) Bev
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You are very welcome, Bev,
:) Liandra
Comment from Sonaleeka
very well written and well deserve to recognized.I loved reading it.I will read the previous chapter soon.Worth reading.
God bless!
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2014
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very well written and well deserve to recognized.I loved reading it.I will read the previous chapter soon.Worth reading.
God bless!
Comment Written 16-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2014
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Thank you much, Sonaleeka. I really appreciate your kind and generous review. :) Bev
Comment from A Matter Of Words
An excellent post full of internal and external tension. You did a great job of writing Brian's torment and his attempts to deal with it. The supernatural aspect woven into your writing is fascinating.
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2014
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An excellent post full of internal and external tension. You did a great job of writing Brian's torment and his attempts to deal with it. The supernatural aspect woven into your writing is fascinating.
Comment Written 16-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2014
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Thanks so much for this very generous and encouraging review. I'm glad you stopped by to read the chapter! Warmest regards, Bev
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You are most welcome, Bev. I look forward to reading more....Stephanie
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Gosh, thanks so much, Stephanie. :))
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is excellent, writingfundimension, you had me on the edge waiting for the next shoe to fall and the Father is saved by tony's dead hound dog. reminds me of the episode of highway to Heaven where the dead dog leads jonathan and mark back to his family's car to save them.
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2014
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this is excellent, writingfundimension, you had me on the edge waiting for the next shoe to fall and the Father is saved by tony's dead hound dog. reminds me of the episode of highway to Heaven where the dead dog leads jonathan and mark back to his family's car to save them.
Comment Written 15-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2014
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Hi, Sweet. Thank you so much for your generous review! I used to love that show, but I don't recall that episode. I'd really like to watch those re-runs.
Much appreciate it!
:) Bev
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
A well written chapter, Bev. Intriguing with the combination of spirituality with cultural tradition. An enjoyable read. Take care, my friend~Debbie
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2014
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A well written chapter, Bev. Intriguing with the combination of spirituality with cultural tradition. An enjoyable read. Take care, my friend~Debbie
Comment Written 15-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2014
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Debbie, thank you so much for this most gracious review. I appreciate it very much. Hugs, Bev
Comment from PenWhispers81
Hi,
This is the first time I am reading your work, so my review is based in this chapter and in what I could gather from the story.
You described good visuals and the action plays well in the reader's mind. Something I really liked in this chapter it was the internal thoughts along with the descriptions and actions. It is a great way to show instead of tell when descriptions are necessary.
I also enjoyed the story line from this chapter. It's creative, and I can see myself following the story from this point or buying the book if I would open in this page.
It is very intriguing, great plot.
He felt the pressure of teeth against his thigh and then (,) he was (being-remove) pulled along the ground.
Inhuman shrieks battered his skull. / The shrieking took -- shrieks/shrieking
Brian's mind reeled with a sudden, sure knowing. -- I would rephrase it.
while (running-remove) worse-case scenarios (ran) through his mind.
The painted dog's eyes drew him in despite a raging urge to look away. Its muzzle contorted into a sinister smile, and Jake's brain buzzed with alarm. A disembodied metallic voice urged, " -- consider urge/urged
The painted dog's eyes drew him in despite a raging urge to look away. -- explain why the dogs eyes drew him.
Jake gulped air to ease his dizziness. -- How can gulping air ease the dizziness?
So much riding on me right now. -- riding/right Not very good practice to use alliteration in prose. It reads odd in the same line.
"God cares nothing for you, Father. Any more than he cared to show your own mother mercy. -- "No more than he" sounds better.
I agree, Father! I've said all along a truly loving -- consider the exclamation mark and describe the emotion instead, such as the tone of voice, eyes, expression of the face.
a light uncoiled itself in the center (centre) of his mind. (Though-remove) but a pinpoint, it carried the breath of holiness.
He felt the pressure of teeth against his thigh (,) and then he was (being-remove) pulled along the ground.
Then -- be careful with the overuse of "then". Whenever possible, avoid it.
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2014
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Hi,
This is the first time I am reading your work, so my review is based in this chapter and in what I could gather from the story.
You described good visuals and the action plays well in the reader's mind. Something I really liked in this chapter it was the internal thoughts along with the descriptions and actions. It is a great way to show instead of tell when descriptions are necessary.
I also enjoyed the story line from this chapter. It's creative, and I can see myself following the story from this point or buying the book if I would open in this page.
It is very intriguing, great plot.
He felt the pressure of teeth against his thigh and then (,) he was (being-remove) pulled along the ground.
Inhuman shrieks battered his skull. / The shrieking took -- shrieks/shrieking
Brian's mind reeled with a sudden, sure knowing. -- I would rephrase it.
while (running-remove) worse-case scenarios (ran) through his mind.
The painted dog's eyes drew him in despite a raging urge to look away. Its muzzle contorted into a sinister smile, and Jake's brain buzzed with alarm. A disembodied metallic voice urged, " -- consider urge/urged
The painted dog's eyes drew him in despite a raging urge to look away. -- explain why the dogs eyes drew him.
Jake gulped air to ease his dizziness. -- How can gulping air ease the dizziness?
So much riding on me right now. -- riding/right Not very good practice to use alliteration in prose. It reads odd in the same line.
"God cares nothing for you, Father. Any more than he cared to show your own mother mercy. -- "No more than he" sounds better.
I agree, Father! I've said all along a truly loving -- consider the exclamation mark and describe the emotion instead, such as the tone of voice, eyes, expression of the face.
a light uncoiled itself in the center (centre) of his mind. (Though-remove) but a pinpoint, it carried the breath of holiness.
He felt the pressure of teeth against his thigh (,) and then he was (being-remove) pulled along the ground.
Then -- be careful with the overuse of "then". Whenever possible, avoid it.
Comment Written 15-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2014
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Thank you for thoughts on my chapter. :) Bev
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You're welcome. Your writing is very good, but when I review I always spend at least half an hour on a piece, to bring both strengths and weaknesses to the author. I use fanstory to apply what I learned in my novels and editing and proofreading course. Praising is good, but the publishing world is tough. It's not the praise that will help the writer, thick skin is needed. You have talent and I enjoyed it :)
Comment from Cin
I had fry bread and honey when I was in Montana over 20 years ago - yum - I'd have a belly roll the size of a tyre if I had access to fry bread over here :-) Chapter was great - highly engaging - well written - great pace - looking forward to reading the next chapter.
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2014
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I had fry bread and honey when I was in Montana over 20 years ago - yum - I'd have a belly roll the size of a tyre if I had access to fry bread over here :-) Chapter was great - highly engaging - well written - great pace - looking forward to reading the next chapter.
Comment Written 15-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2014
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Thank you so much, Cin. I find fry bread seriously addicting and they make great shells for tacos too! :)
Comment from Joan E.
The quotation is a very effective way to reestablish the mood for this chapter. I think of Fry Bread as being like the beignet in New Orleans! I liked the device of having Jake up in the tree so that he could determine where the guy was going. Bringing the priest's mother's suicide into the story, along with the "Angelic bloodhound" were effective as well. Cheers- Joan
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2014
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The quotation is a very effective way to reestablish the mood for this chapter. I think of Fry Bread as being like the beignet in New Orleans! I liked the device of having Jake up in the tree so that he could determine where the guy was going. Bringing the priest's mother's suicide into the story, along with the "Angelic bloodhound" were effective as well. Cheers- Joan
Comment Written 15-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2014
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Hi, Joan. Thanks so much for the grand review! I started the novel with Father having a crisis over his mother's death and felt it was appropriate to now bring it full circle. It hasn't been a big part of the ongoing story, more like a seeping wound.
Again, thanks for taking time to read and offer your fascinating insights. Yes, I think I'd prefer beignets as long as I was having them at Café Dumond. Hugs, Bev
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How smart of you to bring the story full circle and characterize this element as a "seeping wound".
Fortunately, I just had dinner--so, your Cafe Dumond reference didn't make me salivate too much! Sweet dreams- Joan
Comment from Selina Stambi
My goodness, dear Bev! You keep the tension mounting to an unbearable climax!
See you in Ghostland, my dear.
Hugs to you,
xxx
Sonali :)
If I fall from here, there (are) broken bones in my future (not quite sure 'there're' exists in the written form)
It was an area of his life (where) God was not welcome
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2014
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My goodness, dear Bev! You keep the tension mounting to an unbearable climax!
See you in Ghostland, my dear.
Hugs to you,
xxx
Sonali :)
If I fall from here, there (are) broken bones in my future (not quite sure 'there're' exists in the written form)
It was an area of his life (where) God was not welcome
Comment Written 14-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2014
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Hi, Sonali. Thanks so much for the grand and generous review. I appreciate, as always, your suggestions for tightening as well. Hugs, Bev
Comment from Domino 2
I always remember the movie, 'Exorcist' where even priests couldn't expel the demon.
Maybe if some priests lived by the morals they preach, they wouldn't INVITE demons.
Fun theme with the dog.
Best wishes, Ray.
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2014
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I always remember the movie, 'Exorcist' where even priests couldn't expel the demon.
Maybe if some priests lived by the morals they preach, they wouldn't INVITE demons.
Fun theme with the dog.
Best wishes, Ray.
Comment Written 14-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2014
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Thanks, Ray. I appreciate your review. :)
