OUT OF THE BLUE. (Shot at Dawn. pt1)
The forgotten ones.36 total reviews
Comment from brentman99
Overall, a nice effort. You capture the scene very well and I liked how you moved back and forth between what the main character is thinking and his interaction with those around him. I have a few editorial suggestions based on experience and what I've seen written. Take them or leave them as you see fit:
I'm OK(,) (S)ergeant Malone," I lied.
Sergeant is a rank/title and should be capitalised. You didn't do so here, but did in other spots.
Try - "Listen(,) (S)on(.) (I)t'll be over in a flash. You('ll) feel nothing." Be consistent in how you use contractions, especially in the same sentence. Always use them or never use them seems to work best.
Consider - That's a laugh(.) I do wish I could have looked after it better(,) though.
Be consistent - if you use dad, then mum should be the same, not Mum. You usually see capitals for names and titles. You change to mum two paragraphs down. I like Mum and Dad better.
Try - branded a coward.
Think about using - The hatch lid opened, "21:10 hours, Son."
How about - "Appreciate it(.) (T)hanks, Sergeant." My voice was uneven as I fought for control.
I never realised how bad he was until he was put in charge of our company(,) (in) the 7th Battalion(,) the Lancashire Regiment. - it is a unit name and this is typically how it is written e.g. 1st Bn, 1 PPCLI.
In your notes, I would mention physiologically and psychologically as it would have been just as mentally draining as physically exhausting.
I liked your story and look forward to seeing part 2.
Thanks for sharing, Brent.
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2014
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Overall, a nice effort. You capture the scene very well and I liked how you moved back and forth between what the main character is thinking and his interaction with those around him. I have a few editorial suggestions based on experience and what I've seen written. Take them or leave them as you see fit:
I'm OK(,) (S)ergeant Malone," I lied.
Sergeant is a rank/title and should be capitalised. You didn't do so here, but did in other spots.
Try - "Listen(,) (S)on(.) (I)t'll be over in a flash. You('ll) feel nothing." Be consistent in how you use contractions, especially in the same sentence. Always use them or never use them seems to work best.
Consider - That's a laugh(.) I do wish I could have looked after it better(,) though.
Be consistent - if you use dad, then mum should be the same, not Mum. You usually see capitals for names and titles. You change to mum two paragraphs down. I like Mum and Dad better.
Try - branded a coward.
Think about using - The hatch lid opened, "21:10 hours, Son."
How about - "Appreciate it(.) (T)hanks, Sergeant." My voice was uneven as I fought for control.
I never realised how bad he was until he was put in charge of our company(,) (in) the 7th Battalion(,) the Lancashire Regiment. - it is a unit name and this is typically how it is written e.g. 1st Bn, 1 PPCLI.
In your notes, I would mention physiologically and psychologically as it would have been just as mentally draining as physically exhausting.
I liked your story and look forward to seeing part 2.
Thanks for sharing, Brent.
Comment Written 03-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2014
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Thank you Brent, as always any help is appreciated.
I've made nearly all the changes.
I've changed physiologically for psychologically, that is what I meant to say. A slip of the dictionary.
The army unit name I took from the list of victims and wrote it as it was shown. I did change the Battalion number and the name of the person. I know that this is not how it would be referred to inside the army, but I thought it would be good enough for the story.
Have a good day. :) mel.
Comment from ravenblack
Battlefield tactics, well, really the lack of them, were criminal in World War One. Fully automatic weapons were knew technology and high command was still putting faith in Calvary charges. Battlefield tactics was still a simple rush the enemy and get mowed down. And behind every advance were a few in the rear charged with shooting any who turned back. That whole war was insane. And to execute some who objected to being mowed down - more insanity. Very well-written.
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2014
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Battlefield tactics, well, really the lack of them, were criminal in World War One. Fully automatic weapons were knew technology and high command was still putting faith in Calvary charges. Battlefield tactics was still a simple rush the enemy and get mowed down. And behind every advance were a few in the rear charged with shooting any who turned back. That whole war was insane. And to execute some who objected to being mowed down - more insanity. Very well-written.
Comment Written 03-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2014
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Thank you ravenblack, as you point we can see the insanity of it all. This just illustrates why the military must be accountable at all times, even today, ESPECIALLY today.
:) mel.
Comment from Max Edon
I thought that this was a great little story. It was very well-written. The main character is interesting. I want to read part two.
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2014
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I thought that this was a great little story. It was very well-written. The main character is interesting. I want to read part two.
Comment Written 03-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2014
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Thank you Max, I'm please you found it interesting. Part two will be on the site over the weekend.
:) mel.
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You are welcome
Comment from adewpearl
I'm OK, sergeant - add comma for direct address
the sergeant, who seemed a decent type - add the comma
thanks, Sarge - add comma
You get inside this kid's mind well as he counts down the hours to his execution for cowardice
It makes me think of one of my favorite films, Paths of Glory
a compelling story of a tragic event
Brooke
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2014
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I'm OK, sergeant - add comma for direct address
the sergeant, who seemed a decent type - add the comma
thanks, Sarge - add comma
You get inside this kid's mind well as he counts down the hours to his execution for cowardice
It makes me think of one of my favorite films, Paths of Glory
a compelling story of a tragic event
Brooke
Comment Written 03-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2014
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Thank you Brooke, for your thoughtful and helpful review.
:) mel.
Comment from dennis0530
The writer does a believable journey into the mind of a young soldier marked for execution. Though the readers can just surmise, it can be said that the writer's personality is trying to fit in with the soldier's.
One could feel sad and furious at the same time thinking that a country's own military would execute its own soldiers for cowardice and treachery.
But for we, witnesses situated far from the scene could only sympatize. To die this way and be really forgotten, we can only mourn the waste.
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2014
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The writer does a believable journey into the mind of a young soldier marked for execution. Though the readers can just surmise, it can be said that the writer's personality is trying to fit in with the soldier's.
One could feel sad and furious at the same time thinking that a country's own military would execute its own soldiers for cowardice and treachery.
But for we, witnesses situated far from the scene could only sympatize. To die this way and be really forgotten, we can only mourn the waste.
Comment Written 03-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2014
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Thank you dennis0530, for your kind review. I wrote it first person, so it may seem as if the authors personality is encroaching into the story. Although the character is very different to me. You make some good points.
:) mel.
Comment from AAud
This beginning is very well constructed, giving the flavor and atmosphere of the times. You can feel the tension and emotional turmoil going on in this poor soldier's mind. The dialog was believable. Great character development.
This is a story worth telling. Thank you. Awesome job all the way around!
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2014
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This beginning is very well constructed, giving the flavor and atmosphere of the times. You can feel the tension and emotional turmoil going on in this poor soldier's mind. The dialog was believable. Great character development.
This is a story worth telling. Thank you. Awesome job all the way around!
Comment Written 03-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2014
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Thank you AAud, for your kind review and the generous six stars you gave me. I'm so pleased you liked my write.
:) mel.
Comment from Sylvia Page
Very well narrated from the pov of a soldier who is waiting the final hours before he is put to death. What a waste of a life. Court-martial! Where else does this happen? Looking forward to part 2
Sylvia
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2014
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Very well narrated from the pov of a soldier who is waiting the final hours before he is put to death. What a waste of a life. Court-martial! Where else does this happen? Looking forward to part 2
Sylvia
Comment Written 03-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2014
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Thank you Sylvia, for your kind review. Part two comes out at the weekend. Glad you liked it...
:) mel.
Comment from royowen
This was, although tragic in nature, was a very absorbing narrative, to get in the head of the story's subject was very perceptive and empathetic, there weren't any slow moments in the story, and I was surprised when I came to the end! I am lover of happy endings, so it would be face the young man's demise! Well done, I loved it, blessings, Roy.
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2014
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This was, although tragic in nature, was a very absorbing narrative, to get in the head of the story's subject was very perceptive and empathetic, there weren't any slow moments in the story, and I was surprised when I came to the end! I am lover of happy endings, so it would be face the young man's demise! Well done, I loved it, blessings, Roy.
Comment Written 03-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2014
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Thank you Roy, for your kind review. Part two comes out at the weekend. Glad you liked it...
:) mel.
Comment from Kingsland
I can find no reason to put another person to death for anything, especially a soldier. This doesn't happen in the US anymore and that is a very good thing. We put these men in harms way and then we have the gall to say they are cowards. There is just about everything wrong with that kind of thinking. This story line has great emotions and you put yourself in the clutches of someone put into this situation so very well, or so it seems. No one would really know for sure, except the actual person at hand. In any event, I think you did a great job at writing this piece... John
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2014
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I can find no reason to put another person to death for anything, especially a soldier. This doesn't happen in the US anymore and that is a very good thing. We put these men in harms way and then we have the gall to say they are cowards. There is just about everything wrong with that kind of thinking. This story line has great emotions and you put yourself in the clutches of someone put into this situation so very well, or so it seems. No one would really know for sure, except the actual person at hand. In any event, I think you did a great job at writing this piece... John
Comment Written 03-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2014
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Thank you John, for your interesting review. As you remark this doesn't happen anymore. I believe that this should not be forgotten, and kept as an example of what the military can get up to when left to their own devises. Glad you enjoyed.
:) mel.
Comment from chasennov
"OUT OF THE BLUE. (Shot at Dawn. pt1)" I think I know how it must feel to be sentenced to death. I could feel the angst of that soldier. The same angst I felt when my wife was sentenced to death. She was given six months to live, but died within two. I think from a broken heart. Well done.
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2014
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"OUT OF THE BLUE. (Shot at Dawn. pt1)" I think I know how it must feel to be sentenced to death. I could feel the angst of that soldier. The same angst I felt when my wife was sentenced to death. She was given six months to live, but died within two. I think from a broken heart. Well done.
Comment Written 03-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2014
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Thank you chasennov, for your thoughtful review. I'm sorry to hear about your misfortune and the wound the story opened...
:) mel.
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You're very welcome, Mel.
