OUT OF THE BLUE. (Shot at Dawn. pt1)
The forgotten ones.36 total reviews
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hi Write Hand Blue,
This is written very well. Dialogue most believable. I could feel the emotion, with great imagery.
Well done!
Cheers * Blessings
keep Smilin'.... Jax
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2014
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Hi Write Hand Blue,
This is written very well. Dialogue most believable. I could feel the emotion, with great imagery.
Well done!
Cheers * Blessings
keep Smilin'.... Jax
Comment Written 04-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2014
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Thank you Jax, for your kind review... :) mel.
Comment from The Death
Hi, Mel.
Nice to see you posting again. I loved the beginning, especially because November 14 is my birthday...LOL!
The introduction part draws one in. Readers would read more to know about Robert's life. It seems like a diary entry and his voice comes out strongly.
One can relate to the thoughts storming his mind. He's scared, but not of death. He is concerned for his family. It has very sad overtones and you've finely balanced the narrative with natural-sounding dialogues.
Notes:
# Got that wrong(,) didn't I? A grim(,) high(-)pitched laugh escaped my lips, at the memory of it.
# How misguided was I, just another lamb to the slaughter. To join the thousands before me.
Is it your intention to represent disjoint thoughts to hint at his psychological condition/mindset? It would have been better as a single sentence.
# Today(,) they told me I was a liar when I gave them my true birth date. Couldn't even remember the false date.
# Backwards and forwards(,) I rocked on a rickety chair that the kindly Sergeant had just given me.
# This(,)my GOOD LUCK charm(,) had stopped working after a few weeks in the trenches.
It is a very intriguing story with excellent POV. Strong characterization of Robert and you build the settings nicely. It will interesting to see what happens next. :)
Regards,
Anupam
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2014
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Hi, Mel.
Nice to see you posting again. I loved the beginning, especially because November 14 is my birthday...LOL!
The introduction part draws one in. Readers would read more to know about Robert's life. It seems like a diary entry and his voice comes out strongly.
One can relate to the thoughts storming his mind. He's scared, but not of death. He is concerned for his family. It has very sad overtones and you've finely balanced the narrative with natural-sounding dialogues.
Notes:
# Got that wrong(,) didn't I? A grim(,) high(-)pitched laugh escaped my lips, at the memory of it.
# How misguided was I, just another lamb to the slaughter. To join the thousands before me.
Is it your intention to represent disjoint thoughts to hint at his psychological condition/mindset? It would have been better as a single sentence.
# Today(,) they told me I was a liar when I gave them my true birth date. Couldn't even remember the false date.
# Backwards and forwards(,) I rocked on a rickety chair that the kindly Sergeant had just given me.
# This(,)my GOOD LUCK charm(,) had stopped working after a few weeks in the trenches.
It is a very intriguing story with excellent POV. Strong characterization of Robert and you build the settings nicely. It will interesting to see what happens next. :)
Regards,
Anupam
Comment Written 04-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2014
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Thank you Anupam, for your kind help.
I've made the changes you suggested. And glad I picked your birthday. LOL.
The second half should be on the site today, if I win the battle with my perverse computer, I don't have a write hand when it comes to technology.
Kind regards mel.
Comment from mjac777
Most excellent post! Vividly told tale about the horrors of war, and the harsh treatment of soldiers who run afoul of military rules.
You write with such understanding and sensitivity to the plight of these poor souls. The details of military regiments and army life only gives the story more credence.
If only history were written in this narrative, I am sure we would have a much better understanding of the past.
Well done - well done.
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2014
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Most excellent post! Vividly told tale about the horrors of war, and the harsh treatment of soldiers who run afoul of military rules.
You write with such understanding and sensitivity to the plight of these poor souls. The details of military regiments and army life only gives the story more credence.
If only history were written in this narrative, I am sure we would have a much better understanding of the past.
Well done - well done.
Comment Written 04-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2014
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Thank you mjac777, for your kind review. I'm so pleased you liked it.
:) mel.
Comment from Patrick G Cox
Hi write hand blue,
I sometimes think the one's that died were the lucky ones. Both sides left the survivors traumatised, and some men just lost their minds. Such was the fear of a mutiny, or the refusal of orders to stand-to the high command felt they had no alternative but to 'make an example' of those that broke under the strain. Even in WW2 the whole thing wasn't understood properly.
Nice tribute story, hopefully it will give a wider appreciation to those who read it. Not all officers were bastards, but those who were, were often so far out of their depth they'd lost their way. My grandfather's talked of that.
Patrick
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2014
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Hi write hand blue,
I sometimes think the one's that died were the lucky ones. Both sides left the survivors traumatised, and some men just lost their minds. Such was the fear of a mutiny, or the refusal of orders to stand-to the high command felt they had no alternative but to 'make an example' of those that broke under the strain. Even in WW2 the whole thing wasn't understood properly.
Nice tribute story, hopefully it will give a wider appreciation to those who read it. Not all officers were bastards, but those who were, were often so far out of their depth they'd lost their way. My grandfather's talked of that.
Patrick
Comment Written 04-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2014
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Thank you Patrick, for your interesting review.
The fact that we were engaged in a static war with doddering old aristocrats in charge, is the only reason why the top commanders shouldn't have been shot themselves in my opinon.
I'm not passionate about the subject, I just like to see these crimes shown for all to read occasionally.
Kind regards :) mel.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I got goose bumps as I read. That is a mark of good writing. I can't say I actually enjoyed reading this, but it's because of the subject not the writing.
Got that wrong didn't I? (comma after wrong)
, "07:30 hours." (military time written 0730 hours)
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2014
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I got goose bumps as I read. That is a mark of good writing. I can't say I actually enjoyed reading this, but it's because of the subject not the writing.
Got that wrong didn't I? (comma after wrong)
, "07:30 hours." (military time written 0730 hours)
Comment Written 04-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2014
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Thank you Barbara, I could do with a few goose bumps, it's so darned hot here. LOL.
I understand what you say, it's not a pleasant subject. To me it seems even more crucial these days to keep a close eye on the military. Thanks for reading...
:) mel.
Comment from Kausar_Javeria
Hello there~!
Wow.. this made for a very... a very... amazing, interesting and heart-breaking read. I can't even begin to imagine how the soldiers feel.
Thanks for sharing this amazing piece. Will be looking forward to the next~
JazakAllah Khair~!
(God Bless~!)
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2014
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Hello there~!
Wow.. this made for a very... a very... amazing, interesting and heart-breaking read. I can't even begin to imagine how the soldiers feel.
Thanks for sharing this amazing piece. Will be looking forward to the next~
JazakAllah Khair~!
(God Bless~!)
Comment Written 04-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2014
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Thank you Kausar, for your kind and glowing review.
:) mel.
Comment from Selina Stambi
Hi Mel,
You've done a great job here. I found myself getting emotionally involved with your ill fated character.
The thoughts and feelings are very realistic, as is the dialogue.
So very well done! Will be watching for part 2.
Hope you've had a wonderful week.
Sonali
p.s. Alas - those commas .... :)
Oh(,) how I hated that word coward
It was(,) of course(,) Sergeant Malone.
Lied about my age(,) I did
find (its) way and come down ... (no apostrophe needed)
His eyes watched me and after a pause (said/replied/ I heard), "07:30 hours."
Why(,) oh why(,) did I ask? Yet(,) of course(,) I should
know when I'm
potato lay cold by my bed(,) a straw palliasse, there
their son has been branded (a) coward - not 'as a'
(No one) will talk to them
to weep for Mum(.) (W)hat will she think? Will
you want anything else(,) just ask."
thanks Sergeant(.)" (M)y voice was uneven as I fought
charge of our company(,) the (S)eventh (B)attalion Lancashire regiment
were good lads(,) fighting in the most appalling conditions(.) (T)here was
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2014
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Hi Mel,
You've done a great job here. I found myself getting emotionally involved with your ill fated character.
The thoughts and feelings are very realistic, as is the dialogue.
So very well done! Will be watching for part 2.
Hope you've had a wonderful week.
Sonali
p.s. Alas - those commas .... :)
Oh(,) how I hated that word coward
It was(,) of course(,) Sergeant Malone.
Lied about my age(,) I did
find (its) way and come down ... (no apostrophe needed)
His eyes watched me and after a pause (said/replied/ I heard), "07:30 hours."
Why(,) oh why(,) did I ask? Yet(,) of course(,) I should
know when I'm
potato lay cold by my bed(,) a straw palliasse, there
their son has been branded (a) coward - not 'as a'
(No one) will talk to them
to weep for Mum(.) (W)hat will she think? Will
you want anything else(,) just ask."
thanks Sergeant(.)" (M)y voice was uneven as I fought
charge of our company(,) the (S)eventh (B)attalion Lancashire regiment
were good lads(,) fighting in the most appalling conditions(.) (T)here was
Comment Written 03-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2014
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Hi Sonali, great to hear from you again.
I have made the corrections you suggested.
We would say over here.. (branded as a coward). I changed it at your suggestion to (branded a coward) to try and make my writing a little more Mid-Atlantic, so to speak. Although I have tried to give a North of England flavor to it. (flavor... American, Oh dear) LOL.
It's over thirty degrees, here, and I'm roasting.
Have a nice day. :) mel.
P.S. I have a handful of commas, ready to sprinkle over part two. To be shown tomorrow. LOL.
-
Hi Sonali, great to hear from you again.
I have made the corrections you suggested.
We would say over here.. (branded as a coward). I changed it at your suggestion to (branded a coward) to try and make my writing a little more Mid-Atlantic, so to speak. Although I have tried to give a North of England flavor to it. (flavor... American, Oh dear) LOL.
It's over thirty degrees, here, and I'm roasting.
Have a nice day. :) mel.
P.S. I have a handful of commas, ready to sprinkle over part two. To be shown tomorrow. LOL.
Comment from c_lucas
War always had men who couldn't take any more stress and fell by the wayside. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a good read.
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2014
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War always had men who couldn't take any more stress and fell by the wayside. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a good read.
Comment Written 03-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2014
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Thank you charlie, for your kind review.
:) mel.
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Thank you charlie, for your kind review.
:) mel.
Comment from Jay Squires
I really enjoyed this story, told with empathy for Robert Baker. Using time's passage as an element of suspense works well.
Balanced narrative with dialogue and the latter being quite realistic.
I really want to weep for Mum what will she think? [just calling your attention to a run-on sentence, with a semicolon or period needed after "Mum". Not counting as SPAG since it's a part of a colloquial monologue and it might be intentional for effect.]
Good job.
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2014
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I really enjoyed this story, told with empathy for Robert Baker. Using time's passage as an element of suspense works well.
Balanced narrative with dialogue and the latter being quite realistic.
I really want to weep for Mum what will she think? [just calling your attention to a run-on sentence, with a semicolon or period needed after "Mum". Not counting as SPAG since it's a part of a colloquial monologue and it might be intentional for effect.]
Good job.
Comment Written 03-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2014
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Thank you Jay, for your suggestion I will see to it.
:) mel.
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Thank you Jay, for your suggestion I will see to it.
:) mel.
Comment from LIJ Red
Have you read The Execution Of Private Slovik by W. B.
Huie? you would,I think, find it most interesting. this is excellent, the kind of thing I read.
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2014
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Have you read The Execution Of Private Slovik by W. B.
Huie? you would,I think, find it most interesting. this is excellent, the kind of thing I read.
Comment Written 03-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2014
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Thank you LIJ Red, for your kind review. I'm pleased you liked it.
:) mel.
