Comment from adewpearl

Excellent

Your poem is in excellent 5/3/5 syllable count for the Lune
I just checked with my dictionary to see if my instincts were right about scamper - it means a quick LIGHT run, not the kind of run I associate with making a thunderous noise
I would consider finding another verb for the horses' movements
good consonance of hard C sounds
Brooke :-)

 Comment Written 01-Jul-2014

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reply by the author on 01-Jul-2014

Hi Brooke - Would 'gallop' be a better word for this poem? I originally wrote ... wild horses gallop, but thought 'gallop' to be too strong a word. Will consider replacing 'scamper'. Appreciate all your comments.
Cheers ... ;) Art

reply by adewpearl on 01-Jul-2014

I think gallop would work better - they are running so hard and fast in this scene that it seems appropriate to me whereas scamper is something I think of a kitten doing or a fawn - lightfooted running while playing

reply by the author on 01-Jul-2014

Thanks - I changed it to 'gallop' -
in regards to 'scamper', I was thinking the thunder made them scamper - scatter/quickly move from a more sedate activity like drinking from a river, then the sound of hooves blending with and becoming one with the thunder - yes, for this poem, they're doing more than a lightfooted run.

Comment from Erik McGinley

Exceptional

I hate these little poems with short words and supposedly deep messages.

But ...

I hear the thunder, and I see the horses run, and I hear the thunder.

Most of these little poems are crap. Chinese / Japanese / Korean / whatever-the-ethos-is just cannot be conveyed into English.

But I think you have used the style and conveyed it into English.

I would give you a seven for writing something short and succinct that actually made me think.

For once, not shite. This is an excellent piece of work.

 Comment Written 01-Jul-2014

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reply by the author on 01-Jul-2014

Thanks again for the wonderful review and special rating!
Appreciate it much. Cheers ... ;o)

Comment from Karen B.

Excellent

Love the imagery you've created, it would be visible even without the artwork. Plus the sounds of horses hooves and thunder. This is a very good lune. Good luck in the contest!

 Comment Written 01-Jul-2014

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reply by the author on 02-Jul-2014

Thanks, Karen. Glad you enjoyed the imagery in this lune poem, and I'm pleased that the word choices make the poem work even without the artwork. I was hoping the reader would hear the hooves pounding the ground and the thunder at the same time. Appreciate all your comments. Cheers ... ;o) Art

Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin

Excellent

Hi,

Beautiful artwork to enhance your poem. The horses give me a carefree, free to me feeling.

Nicely done. Good luck in the contest.

Cheers * Blessings
Keep Smilin'... Jax

 Comment Written 01-Jul-2014

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reply by the author on 02-Jul-2014

Hello smilin' Jax. So glad you enjoyed this poem and the artwork. Wouldn't be fun to be a wild horse for a few days? Appreciate all your comments. Cheers ... ;o) starkat

Comment from Dean Kuch

Excellent

What a wonderful, creative lune you've composed for the contest, starkat. Vivid imagery, rife with the thundering hoof beats of wild mustangs, galloping through the wild.

Excellent in capturing and harassing such power in so few words.

best of luck!

 Comment Written 01-Jul-2014

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reply by the author on 02-Jul-2014

Thanks, Dean - So glad you enjoyed the imagery and felt the sound-dynamics in this lune. Yep, harnessing the power of hooves pounding the ground along with rolling thunder before the big storm. The wild, wild west is one of my favorite places to be.

Appreciate all your comments.

Cheers ... ;o) starkat

reply by Dean Kuch on 02-Jul-2014

Cheers to you as well, starkat. It was a pleasure.

Comment from Acquired Taste

Excellent

Very good entry for the contest - the artwork is simply gorgeous - really exemplifies what your lune is about. When thunder roars around here - my dog looks like the lead white stallion! Good luck....AT=/

 Comment Written 01-Jul-2014

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reply by the author on 02-Jul-2014

Thanks, AT - So glad you enjoyed this lune and the artwork.
Appreciate all your comments. Cheers ... ;o) sk

Comment from acerisestory

Excellent

This is a nicely written lune. It paints a clear picture of the horses being startled by the thunder and wildly galloping in response (as does the artwork!). Good luck in the contest. Alana

 Comment Written 01-Jul-2014

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reply by the author on 02-Jul-2014

Thanks for the wonderful review, Alana. So glad you enjoyed the visual and auditory imagery. Appreciate all your comments.
Cheers ... ;o) Art

Comment from Domino 2

Excellent

Very clever to have 2nd line acting as a 'pivot', Art. It connects equally well to the 1st and 3rd lines, and the 3 lines also read as one flowing dramatic sentence.

Good luck and best wishes, Ray.

 Comment Written 01-Jul-2014

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reply by the author on 02-Jul-2014

Thanks, Ray. This 'lune' format is new to me - the guy who invented it calls it an American Haiku - his answer to Japanese Haiku. Still wrapping my mind around the best way to approach it. Appreciate all your comments. I did change one word 'scamper' to 'gallop' - still thinking that the sound of hooves blend with the sound of thunder. I imagine it's a loud thunder announcing a whale of a thunderstorm. I was in a humongous thunderstorm yesterday, close to a tornado with huge lightning, torrential rain, hail, and 60 mph winds. It was intense and scary for a little while.

Cheers ... ;o) Art

reply by Domino 2 on 02-Jul-2014

Thanks for the great reply, Art.

'gallop' is sure more dramatic than a timid little 'scamper' :-) Ray

Comment from Ritsal

Exceptional

Yes, I'm sure they would. A lot of animals get scared during storms. Your word choices paint a clear picture without the accompanying artwork. Good luck in the contest.

Best wishes,
Rita

 Comment Written 01-Jul-2014

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reply by the author on 01-Jul-2014

Thanks again for the wonderful review and special rating!
Glad you enjoyed the word choices. I did change one word ... changed 'scamper' to 'gallop'.

reply by Ritsal on 02-Jul-2014

It works for me--so would stampede

reply by the author on 02-Jul-2014

I think 'stampede' might be a better word than 'gallop'.
more dynamic considering the circumstance.

reply by Ritsal on 02-Jul-2014

Yeah, I can hear thundering hooves

Comment from Andrewajgblue

Exceptional

This is a brilliant entry in the lune contest, it's really vivid and grabs you attention, almost like thundering hooves, it's so hard to achieve in such small poems but you have done a great job, great picture to accompany this poem, good luck, I really liked this worthy of six stars
Andrew

 Comment Written 01-Jul-2014

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reply by the author on 02-Jul-2014

Thanks again, Andrew, for the wonderful review and special rating!
Appreciate it much. Cheers ... ;o) Art