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Viewing comments for Chapter 42 "Kitty and Meow-Meow At the Bar"Shorter stories
29 total reviews
Comment from GeraldS
This is a strange narrative with a nice twist. It fits well with the writing prompt and should be a strong entry. I hope there will be another submission so that you have a chance for a win.
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2014
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This is a strange narrative with a nice twist. It fits well with the writing prompt and should be a strong entry. I hope there will be another submission so that you have a chance for a win.
Comment Written 23-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2014
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Thank you for the review. I should probably take this down for awhile.
Comment from Acquired Taste
Beautifully veiled tale - my favorite kind. Particularly am taken with the ladies/? names - too good and too real. Years ago I actually witnessed a rather indulgent friend do the exact same thing. Perhaps that is a story I should tell one day. The outcome was hysterical - happened in a public place and I wish a camera would have been available.
Like your sense of humor. AT=/
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2014
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Beautifully veiled tale - my favorite kind. Particularly am taken with the ladies/? names - too good and too real. Years ago I actually witnessed a rather indulgent friend do the exact same thing. Perhaps that is a story I should tell one day. The outcome was hysterical - happened in a public place and I wish a camera would have been available.
Like your sense of humor. AT=/
Comment Written 23-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2014
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Thank you, AT, for the great review. I reworked the end to this a few times for the SECRET aspect, as most reviewers thought Sylvia was a guy immediately.
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Well, you did an excellent job. See you again 'round the playground! AT=/
Comment from GWHARGIS
This was one of those stories that made me laugh and then feel strangely wrong for doing it. Nice character development with the dialogue. I like the names. I had to read it just because the names were hilarious. Great job and I commend you on your joke like delivery. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2014
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This was one of those stories that made me laugh and then feel strangely wrong for doing it. Nice character development with the dialogue. I like the names. I had to read it just because the names were hilarious. Great job and I commend you on your joke like delivery. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 22-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2014
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Thank you, Gretchen, for giving this a look.
Comment from pafaust
Women can sure be catty, can't they. I guess you do know based on the clever naming of the women. Your story made me smile and (of course) root for the older women.
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2014
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Women can sure be catty, can't they. I guess you do know based on the clever naming of the women. Your story made me smile and (of course) root for the older women.
Comment Written 22-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2014
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Thank you, pa, for the kind review.
Comment from Antoine Charlemaine
An interesting twist! Yep, you can never be too sure, these days. I enjoyed this little yarn.
'an inebriated and enthusiastic gentleman.' Paints the unfolding scene very nicely.
I thought a couple of things might make it a little smoother:
'in a way that enticed men as to a siren.' This reads a little awkwardly. Perhaps, 'in a way that enticed men; the intriguing way a man is drawn to a siren.' Or something like that.
'Sylvia was attracting the only man in the place like a sunflower, rising above the weeds, lures the bee.' Either needs a comma after 'place' to denote a pause, or perhaps, 'Sylvia was attracting the only man in the place, in the way a sunflower, rising above...'
Just a couple of suggestions. Hope that's okay.
Anthony.
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2014
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An interesting twist! Yep, you can never be too sure, these days. I enjoyed this little yarn.
'an inebriated and enthusiastic gentleman.' Paints the unfolding scene very nicely.
I thought a couple of things might make it a little smoother:
'in a way that enticed men as to a siren.' This reads a little awkwardly. Perhaps, 'in a way that enticed men; the intriguing way a man is drawn to a siren.' Or something like that.
'Sylvia was attracting the only man in the place like a sunflower, rising above the weeds, lures the bee.' Either needs a comma after 'place' to denote a pause, or perhaps, 'Sylvia was attracting the only man in the place, in the way a sunflower, rising above...'
Just a couple of suggestions. Hope that's okay.
Anthony.
Comment Written 22-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2014
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Thank you for the critique. I agree those lines are in need of revision.
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You are very welcome.
Comment from mfowler
OK, Sylvia's a guy. Outrageous, but funny. I like how the story i sbuilt around the conversation between the two women who are bombing out. It allows the narrative to show, not tell, and it also allows the reveal about her husband, to work with good effect. Good fun.
A suggestion: In the sentence below, I think you would improve the flow by simply removing the comma between sunflower-rising.
Sylvia was attracting the only man in the place like a sunflower, rising above the weeds, lures the bee.
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2014
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OK, Sylvia's a guy. Outrageous, but funny. I like how the story i sbuilt around the conversation between the two women who are bombing out. It allows the narrative to show, not tell, and it also allows the reveal about her husband, to work with good effect. Good fun.
A suggestion: In the sentence below, I think you would improve the flow by simply removing the comma between sunflower-rising.
Sylvia was attracting the only man in the place like a sunflower, rising above the weeds, lures the bee.
Comment Written 22-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2014
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Thank you for the critique. I agree that line is in need of revision.
Comment from freepass
I liked it
and it follows the rules
I didn't see anything wrong with it
good luck in the contest
I will give it
5 very big stars*****
so good luck with it!
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2014
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I liked it
and it follows the rules
I didn't see anything wrong with it
good luck in the contest
I will give it
5 very big stars*****
so good luck with it!
Comment Written 21-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2014
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Thank you for the excellent review.
Comment from Dean Kuch
Hah! I just knew that was comin'. Unfortunately for the guy who walked off with Sylvia, the only "comin" he's going to be doing is to come runnin' straight back to the bar...post riki-tic!
Great little tail...er, ah, ha-ha, I meant tale with a nice little twist of an ending. Best of luck to you in the contest.
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2014
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Hah! I just knew that was comin'. Unfortunately for the guy who walked off with Sylvia, the only "comin" he's going to be doing is to come runnin' straight back to the bar...post riki-tic!
Great little tail...er, ah, ha-ha, I meant tale with a nice little twist of an ending. Best of luck to you in the contest.
Comment Written 21-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2014
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Thank you, Dean, for the fun review.
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No problem.
Comment from Kenneth Schaal
Fantastic ending, I never seen it coming till it launched. Good writing skills are evident also, and the read was effortless, and interesting. I love the ladies handles--their nicknames. Good luck, this must be a contender. Kenny
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2014
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Fantastic ending, I never seen it coming till it launched. Good writing skills are evident also, and the read was effortless, and interesting. I love the ladies handles--their nicknames. Good luck, this must be a contender. Kenny
Comment Written 21-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2014
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Thank you, Kenny, for the excellent review.
Comment from jmdg1954
Are you kidding me? You threw me off the chair, down the stairs and into the well with that ending. "Holy Cow", as Phil Rizzuto used to say. This will certainly muster many votes. Outstanding... John
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2014
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Are you kidding me? You threw me off the chair, down the stairs and into the well with that ending. "Holy Cow", as Phil Rizzuto used to say. This will certainly muster many votes. Outstanding... John
Comment Written 21-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2014
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Thank you, John, for the fantastic review.
