Venus and Aphrodite
Your Dream Girls15 total reviews
Comment from Jay Squires
Well, not all would call it a horror story. I'm surprised you didn't have to give this an adult rating. But, that's cool!
and covered in what looked like seamen. [Unless the navy was involved, I think you mean "semen"]
He was amazed that even out the men had erections that still ejaculated. [I think you were too excited when you wrote this sentence. I can't get it to make any sense.]
Though physically he had sex his wife, [sex WITH his wife]
Good plot, entertaining, well-written.
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2014
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Well, not all would call it a horror story. I'm surprised you didn't have to give this an adult rating. But, that's cool!
and covered in what looked like seamen. [Unless the navy was involved, I think you mean "semen"]
He was amazed that even out the men had erections that still ejaculated. [I think you were too excited when you wrote this sentence. I can't get it to make any sense.]
Though physically he had sex his wife, [sex WITH his wife]
Good plot, entertaining, well-written.
Comment Written 01-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2014
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Thank you very much. You, have no idea how many times I write seamen. Thanks again.
Comment from missjosi
Well this is quite original. These twins do however remind me of what a modern day Dionysus would be like. Very well written and if there is a next part I would very much like to read. Great stuff :)
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2014
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Well this is quite original. These twins do however remind me of what a modern day Dionysus would be like. Very well written and if there is a next part I would very much like to read. Great stuff :)
Comment Written 01-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2014
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Thank you very much. There may be a next part.
Comment from Twilightspire
This was an excellent and unique horror story. I love that it didn't follow the typical sort of genre trope we're used to. This was fresh and highly creative. I love the idea of pheromones as a kind of weapon.
I hope you win this contest. I reserved a spot, but not sure if I'm still entering. Good luck, my friend.
-T.J.
reply by the author on 31-May-2014
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This was an excellent and unique horror story. I love that it didn't follow the typical sort of genre trope we're used to. This was fresh and highly creative. I love the idea of pheromones as a kind of weapon.
I hope you win this contest. I reserved a spot, but not sure if I'm still entering. Good luck, my friend.
-T.J.
Comment Written 30-May-2014
reply by the author on 31-May-2014
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Thank you very much. Yes, I wanted to try something a little different. I hope it wasn't too far outside the box.
Comment from Muffins
This is the type of compulsive page tuner( regrettable not that many) that causes the reader to re-read it over and over again. Without preaching or getting on a soapbox, you ask the reader to think about man's uncontrollable itch to play God and does he have the right? And, how responsible is he when it goes all wrong?
Lancellot, let give you the first place prize right now because I can't see anything else greater than what I just read. Again, I wish I had another six rating to give you. Maybe, I should save them all for you? What do you think?
reply by the author on 30-May-2014
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This is the type of compulsive page tuner( regrettable not that many) that causes the reader to re-read it over and over again. Without preaching or getting on a soapbox, you ask the reader to think about man's uncontrollable itch to play God and does he have the right? And, how responsible is he when it goes all wrong?
Lancellot, let give you the first place prize right now because I can't see anything else greater than what I just read. Again, I wish I had another six rating to give you. Maybe, I should save them all for you? What do you think?
Comment Written 30-May-2014
reply by the author on 30-May-2014
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Thank you very much. You've found level in this I didn't realize. No, I need a six, just knowing people enjoyed what I wrote makes me happy.
Comment from c_lucas
A very interesting story line; a horror story with sex as the killer. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words. Good luck in your contest.
Error:
and knew he what needed (and knew what he needed)
reply by the author on 30-May-2014
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A very interesting story line; a horror story with sex as the killer. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words. Good luck in your contest.
Error:
and knew he what needed (and knew what he needed)
Comment Written 30-May-2014
reply by the author on 30-May-2014
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Thank you very much. I appreciate the edit. I know this was a long tale. I really appreciate your time in reading it.
Thank you.
Lance.
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You're welcome, Lancellot. Charlie
Comment from adewpearl
well-developed, ovulating women at one year of age - fascinating
though they still had sex regularly, - add comma
the twins' D.N.A. - add apostrophe for plural possessive
When the lights went out, his smile - add comma
Gathering himself, he cautiously - add comma
Fighting to see and breathe, he made - add comma
Hearing the commotion, the owner slowly - add comma
Great use of the lyrics from the song and your playing them in the background
Love the dramatic ending - death by sex, bestiality, a much different kind of horror story than I'm used to LOL
Brooke :-)
reply by the author on 29-May-2014
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well-developed, ovulating women at one year of age - fascinating
though they still had sex regularly, - add comma
the twins' D.N.A. - add apostrophe for plural possessive
When the lights went out, his smile - add comma
Gathering himself, he cautiously - add comma
Fighting to see and breathe, he made - add comma
Hearing the commotion, the owner slowly - add comma
Great use of the lyrics from the song and your playing them in the background
Love the dramatic ending - death by sex, bestiality, a much different kind of horror story than I'm used to LOL
Brooke :-)
Comment Written 29-May-2014
reply by the author on 29-May-2014
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Thank you very much, Brooke.
Comment from WritingsByG
WOW! What a visual story in many ways, and to leave the ending there is excellent. As a screenwriter I really enjoy reading prose that paint a picture and not describes it. You have exceeded that. BTW very good use of the photos. And your song for the girls.
Now if I may I suggest the following
At first they were allowed > comma after first
warm breeze and bright > comma after breeze
time since, spontaneous > no comma needed
At first John thought > comma after John
9th and 10th para need separating
released the door and it swung > comma after door
caught the girl's attention. > girls'
"Come play with us, daddy, > Daddy = proper noun now
By instinct alone > comma after instinct
14th & 15th para need separating
unbreakable plastic, that the staff dubbed, The Glass House > Their enclosure was made of a clear unbreakable plastic the staff dubbed The Glass House (italicize The Glass House).
he had expected, Frank stood > comma not needed
matter the material, they simply > comma not needed
But what they really > comma after But
they cried and pleaded for > comma after cried
like angels but they're > comma after angels
John saw anger, fear and something > comma after fear
In an odd way it worked. > comma after way
Soon several staff members > comma after soon
If he was XX the vocal sort > he were
In John's dreams he > comma after dreams
For his wife and himself he was > comma after himself
Suddenly horses > comma after Suddenly
Within minutes several stallions > cooma after minutes
had broken out, and began > no comma needed
sun rose in the west the twins > comma after west
Sensual and forbidding and foreboding - more please :-)
Thanks
G
reply by the author on 29-May-2014
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WOW! What a visual story in many ways, and to leave the ending there is excellent. As a screenwriter I really enjoy reading prose that paint a picture and not describes it. You have exceeded that. BTW very good use of the photos. And your song for the girls.
Now if I may I suggest the following
At first they were allowed > comma after first
warm breeze and bright > comma after breeze
time since, spontaneous > no comma needed
At first John thought > comma after John
9th and 10th para need separating
released the door and it swung > comma after door
caught the girl's attention. > girls'
"Come play with us, daddy, > Daddy = proper noun now
By instinct alone > comma after instinct
14th & 15th para need separating
unbreakable plastic, that the staff dubbed, The Glass House > Their enclosure was made of a clear unbreakable plastic the staff dubbed The Glass House (italicize The Glass House).
he had expected, Frank stood > comma not needed
matter the material, they simply > comma not needed
But what they really > comma after But
they cried and pleaded for > comma after cried
like angels but they're > comma after angels
John saw anger, fear and something > comma after fear
In an odd way it worked. > comma after way
Soon several staff members > comma after soon
If he was XX the vocal sort > he were
In John's dreams he > comma after dreams
For his wife and himself he was > comma after himself
Suddenly horses > comma after Suddenly
Within minutes several stallions > cooma after minutes
had broken out, and began > no comma needed
sun rose in the west the twins > comma after west
Sensual and forbidding and foreboding - more please :-)
Thanks
G
Comment Written 29-May-2014
reply by the author on 29-May-2014
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Thank you very much, G. I think you put more time editing than I did writing. I really appreciate all the excellent help and the great review.
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I appreciate a good story and a writer willing to create such a story.
Thanks
G
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
What a fun "horror" story. Sure, it's scary and tragic and deadly, but in a fun way for a change. I like the originality here. Great job describing the "hell" scene in the building.
reply by the author on 29-May-2014
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What a fun "horror" story. Sure, it's scary and tragic and deadly, but in a fun way for a change. I like the originality here. Great job describing the "hell" scene in the building.
Comment Written 29-May-2014
reply by the author on 29-May-2014
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Thank you very much, Phyllis. This wasn't the original tale I was going to do. I started that one, and then didn't save it. So I went with the 2nd choice.
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Always save ...every few minutes. You know better! But it's just as well, since you did a terrific job on this one. :)
Comment from Dean Kuch
Having written my own entry for this contest --MEDIEVAL -- and posted it in February, I knew at the time that the entries for this competition would begin pouring in just before the contest got under way, needless to say, Lance, I am like a kid at Christmas, opening new gifts...
Hey, Lance? Do you know where I can find a couple of twins like Syble and Sable? They could cum... hah, ah -- I meant come in handy at times, heh heh...
""Come play with us, daddy,..." ---- The image of the two slaughtered twin girls from Stanley Kubrick's film adaption of Stephen King's novel, "The Shining", immediately came to mind here. "Come play with us, Danny..." they pleaded, only I don't think it was sex that these two preteens had in mind in that instance.
"Inside he saw Hell itself. Writhing in flames were men and women locked in a sexual frenzy as their bodies crumbled. He witnessed one man diving onto and into a woman covered in orange flames. The poor soul screamed in agony and pleasure, as he drove into her charred body, but she wasn't yet dead. Remarkably she wrapped her burning legs around him, and they both cried out in ecstasy as they vanished in black smoke." ---I really loved the picture following this descriptive paragraph,, Lance. I even used it once for a story here on FS myself entitled, Fried Frieda: A Campfire Tale.
Nice little twist there at the ending. I won't reveal too much in case there are those (and, believe me, there are!) who like to cheat and read the reviews of others to gain a quick buck or two of funny money.
It was an excellent story, lancellot, and should certainly be a very formidable opponent in the contest...
Great work, my friend! And even though I have a dog in this fight as well, I wish you the best of luck!
~5 out of 5 skulls~
reply by the author on 29-May-2014
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Having written my own entry for this contest --MEDIEVAL -- and posted it in February, I knew at the time that the entries for this competition would begin pouring in just before the contest got under way, needless to say, Lance, I am like a kid at Christmas, opening new gifts...
Hey, Lance? Do you know where I can find a couple of twins like Syble and Sable? They could cum... hah, ah -- I meant come in handy at times, heh heh...
""Come play with us, daddy,..." ---- The image of the two slaughtered twin girls from Stanley Kubrick's film adaption of Stephen King's novel, "The Shining", immediately came to mind here. "Come play with us, Danny..." they pleaded, only I don't think it was sex that these two preteens had in mind in that instance.
"Inside he saw Hell itself. Writhing in flames were men and women locked in a sexual frenzy as their bodies crumbled. He witnessed one man diving onto and into a woman covered in orange flames. The poor soul screamed in agony and pleasure, as he drove into her charred body, but she wasn't yet dead. Remarkably she wrapped her burning legs around him, and they both cried out in ecstasy as they vanished in black smoke." ---I really loved the picture following this descriptive paragraph,, Lance. I even used it once for a story here on FS myself entitled, Fried Frieda: A Campfire Tale.
Nice little twist there at the ending. I won't reveal too much in case there are those (and, believe me, there are!) who like to cheat and read the reviews of others to gain a quick buck or two of funny money.
It was an excellent story, lancellot, and should certainly be a very formidable opponent in the contest...
Great work, my friend! And even though I have a dog in this fight as well, I wish you the best of luck!
~5 out of 5 skulls~
Comment Written 29-May-2014
reply by the author on 29-May-2014
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Thank you very my Friend. It was a fun contest that I almost didn't enter. But, my muse awoke and this came out.
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Well, you did an excellent job.
Comment from tbacha58
Oh my God, Lancellot, first I love your name, second, I never ever read such a breathtaking story, its my first time to read long stories as I have eye trouble, but here, I HAD to go on and on. What a beautiful idea you invented to capture the readers. My God I did not want to stop and I will go back to your portfolio to see if you have written more before. I was away on vacation with my children in the US, they live there, and I see them 5 months a years. What a wonderful horror book writer you are Lancellot, I am your fan more then ever from now onwards. Good luck, I am so sure you are the winner. Lots of love Terry xoxoxo
My sixes for u next week. xoxo
reply by the author on 29-May-2014
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Oh my God, Lancellot, first I love your name, second, I never ever read such a breathtaking story, its my first time to read long stories as I have eye trouble, but here, I HAD to go on and on. What a beautiful idea you invented to capture the readers. My God I did not want to stop and I will go back to your portfolio to see if you have written more before. I was away on vacation with my children in the US, they live there, and I see them 5 months a years. What a wonderful horror book writer you are Lancellot, I am your fan more then ever from now onwards. Good luck, I am so sure you are the winner. Lots of love Terry xoxoxo
My sixes for u next week. xoxo
Comment Written 29-May-2014
reply by the author on 29-May-2014
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Thank you very much. I am glad you liked it.
