Along the Jericho Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 60 "Wazuzu Moon"Murder Mystery
36 total reviews
Comment from CR Delport
It is difficult to accept what you don't understand. Derek sure has a tough time dealing with all this. Another very well written chapter with great dialogue and excellent flow.
reply by the author on 20-May-2014
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It is difficult to accept what you don't understand. Derek sure has a tough time dealing with all this. Another very well written chapter with great dialogue and excellent flow.
Comment Written 20-May-2014
reply by the author on 20-May-2014
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He's a nuts and bolts kind of guy. His eyes may be opened in the near future, though. Thanks so much, CR. :)
Comment from misscookie
You captured my attention from the first line to the last.
Thank you very much for another interesting chapter.
There as all way no dull moments.
reply by the author on 20-May-2014
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You captured my attention from the first line to the last.
Thank you very much for another interesting chapter.
There as all way no dull moments.
Comment Written 20-May-2014
reply by the author on 20-May-2014
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Thank you so much, Cookie. You've blessed me with your consistent support and for that I'm very grateful. Hugs, Bev
Comment from AprilShower
I can't help but wonder how Father Brian DeShano is involved in all this. It seems that they can't get in touch with Jana now. I am anxious to find out why they can't. Well done, Bev.
April
reply by the author on 20-May-2014
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I can't help but wonder how Father Brian DeShano is involved in all this. It seems that they can't get in touch with Jana now. I am anxious to find out why they can't. Well done, Bev.
April
Comment Written 19-May-2014
reply by the author on 20-May-2014
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April, thank you so much. Your support and encouragement mean a lot to me. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from Joan E.
I admired your "train," "tulip" and "priest" analogies plus your "holy grail" metaphor. Your appealing to our senses of smell and taste with the anxiety-reducing coffee brew is effective as well. Your storytelling is gripping as usual, and you left us in suspense of Father Brian's soul! Cheers- Joan
reply by the author on 20-May-2014
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I admired your "train," "tulip" and "priest" analogies plus your "holy grail" metaphor. Your appealing to our senses of smell and taste with the anxiety-reducing coffee brew is effective as well. Your storytelling is gripping as usual, and you left us in suspense of Father Brian's soul! Cheers- Joan
Comment Written 19-May-2014
reply by the author on 20-May-2014
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Joan, thank you for noting my feeble poetic attempts! I sure appreciate you taking time to read and review. Your support and generosity mean a lot to me. Hugs, Bev
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Your use of imagery is always successful. I look forward to more poetic devices and plot twists. More hugs- Joan
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Joan, thank you once again. Your words lift my spirits. XX Bev
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Smiles- Joan
Comment from A.R. Curry
Very well written. I don't think anyone could really fault you on any of the fundamentals of writing (which is probably why you call yourself Writingfundemknsion lol) but it's good to read.
Curry
reply by the author on 19-May-2014
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Very well written. I don't think anyone could really fault you on any of the fundamentals of writing (which is probably why you call yourself Writingfundemknsion lol) but it's good to read.
Curry
Comment Written 19-May-2014
reply by the author on 19-May-2014
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Hi, Curry. Thanks for this delightful review. I picked my name out when I started the site without realizing what a pen name meant! Wish I'd given it a little more thought LoL.
:) Bev
Comment from Cumbrianlass
Another great chapter, Bev. A lot happening as this story begins to weave all the threads together.
Great dialogue and flow. That last line was a spine-chiller. Every single character in this book is so well defined and suits their status. Derek sounds like a sheriff, and man, that exorcist sure sounds like an exorcist! Fred is nothing if not intense. Brilliantly done.
I do have some suggestions for you to consider, my friend:
He checked his e-mail inbox for an update on Gertrude Pearce's autopsy. As he pulled it up to read it, Derek swallowed past a knot of anxiety. - you could lose 'inbox' and 'to read it' in this sentence to tighten it a little.
Derek nodded(.) "Good idea."
eyes of a punk (who's) raped his little girl
He licked his lips and frowned(.)
Sheriff Oleson's imposing figure filled the vacant doorway. "Father, please come in."
"Can I get you anything to drink... coffee, bottled water?"
Are these previous two sentences spoken by Derek? If so, you'll need to join them.
"Do you believe in visions, Sheriff(?)" he asked in a soft voice.
Also, perhaps take a look at the conversation between Derek and Fred. Fred uses 'Sheriff' in his dialogue quite a lot. I think you could probably lose a couple of 'sheriff's'. :)
Hope this helps, dear lady!
Love and hugs,
Av
reply by the author on 19-May-2014
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Another great chapter, Bev. A lot happening as this story begins to weave all the threads together.
Great dialogue and flow. That last line was a spine-chiller. Every single character in this book is so well defined and suits their status. Derek sounds like a sheriff, and man, that exorcist sure sounds like an exorcist! Fred is nothing if not intense. Brilliantly done.
I do have some suggestions for you to consider, my friend:
He checked his e-mail inbox for an update on Gertrude Pearce's autopsy. As he pulled it up to read it, Derek swallowed past a knot of anxiety. - you could lose 'inbox' and 'to read it' in this sentence to tighten it a little.
Derek nodded(.) "Good idea."
eyes of a punk (who's) raped his little girl
He licked his lips and frowned(.)
Sheriff Oleson's imposing figure filled the vacant doorway. "Father, please come in."
"Can I get you anything to drink... coffee, bottled water?"
Are these previous two sentences spoken by Derek? If so, you'll need to join them.
"Do you believe in visions, Sheriff(?)" he asked in a soft voice.
Also, perhaps take a look at the conversation between Derek and Fred. Fred uses 'Sheriff' in his dialogue quite a lot. I think you could probably lose a couple of 'sheriff's'. :)
Hope this helps, dear lady!
Love and hugs,
Av
Comment Written 19-May-2014
reply by the author on 19-May-2014
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Sorry if this is a duplicate, Av. I'm having a bit of trouble with my computer.
Thanks so much for this very helpful and encouraging review, my friend. I so appreciate your continued support and generosity.
Love and hugs,
Bev
Comment from DALLAS01
I really like the way you went over the last few paragraphs of the preceding chapter. A welcome refresher. You brought several characters together in this chapter that moved the story forward without leaning on some of your stars, and it worked well. Again, I must say that the way you employ the little detailed physical gestures of your characters, sets your writing apart. Great chapter.
reply by the author on 19-May-2014
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I really like the way you went over the last few paragraphs of the preceding chapter. A welcome refresher. You brought several characters together in this chapter that moved the story forward without leaning on some of your stars, and it worked well. Again, I must say that the way you employ the little detailed physical gestures of your characters, sets your writing apart. Great chapter.
Comment Written 19-May-2014
reply by the author on 19-May-2014
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Thanks so much, Dallas. I appreciate your insights very much. Let's me know things are working okay LoL. The stars will be back soon... :) Bev
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:.)
Comment from Norbanus
Super segment, Bev, with lots of suspense and wondering. Is the ending a hint that maybe Edward Pearce isn't quite as guilty as he seems up to this point?
One possible flow issue that might need checking:
Earlier the story relates that Ron got a CALL from his friend at the hospital.
Later he says:
'...The fear in her eyes... well... it was enough to convince me.' (How did he see the fear in her eyes over the phone?)
reply by the author on 19-May-2014
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Super segment, Bev, with lots of suspense and wondering. Is the ending a hint that maybe Edward Pearce isn't quite as guilty as he seems up to this point?
One possible flow issue that might need checking:
Earlier the story relates that Ron got a CALL from his friend at the hospital.
Later he says:
'...The fear in her eyes... well... it was enough to convince me.' (How did he see the fear in her eyes over the phone?)
Comment Written 19-May-2014
reply by the author on 19-May-2014
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Hey, Norbanus. Thanks for pointing that out. I'll change it to reflect that he was called to come to the hospital. Thanks for the help and great review! :) Bev
Comment from Loren (7)
Just picked up on this and I was more than intrigued by your last three paragraphs. (For whatever reason I always seem to start at the ending to see if it might nudge me enough to consider the beginning and middle - which yours did. Any writer that can relay the juxtaposition of what one assumes to a completely unrelated, but relevant point of view has my attention. Great job. Will need to go back some 59 chapters to see what this is all about. Loren
reply by the author on 19-May-2014
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Just picked up on this and I was more than intrigued by your last three paragraphs. (For whatever reason I always seem to start at the ending to see if it might nudge me enough to consider the beginning and middle - which yours did. Any writer that can relay the juxtaposition of what one assumes to a completely unrelated, but relevant point of view has my attention. Great job. Will need to go back some 59 chapters to see what this is all about. Loren
Comment Written 19-May-2014
reply by the author on 19-May-2014
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Hi, Loren. Thank you so very much for this grand and very generous review. I like your approach. It would be interesting to start with the last paragraph of a chapter and write backwards. Say, we might have an idea for a contest?! Unfortunately, I'm too busy to suggest it, but feel free if you think it sounds interesting. Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from michaelcahill
Wow. I need to jump on board for the next one. This had me totally engaged right away and I know nothing about it. The dialogue is so realistic and natural. I love the little descriptions within the dialogue that show the actions of the characters as they speak. This is school for me as that is something I'm working on. Awesome writing. mikey
reply by the author on 19-May-2014
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Wow. I need to jump on board for the next one. This had me totally engaged right away and I know nothing about it. The dialogue is so realistic and natural. I love the little descriptions within the dialogue that show the actions of the characters as they speak. This is school for me as that is something I'm working on. Awesome writing. mikey
Comment Written 19-May-2014
reply by the author on 19-May-2014
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Thank you so very much, Michael. I am deeply honored by this generous and encouraging review. Thanks, especially, for the insights on the descriptions. It's a struggle sometimes, so your words make it all worth while. Warmest regards, Bev
